My parents and I made the decision not to have my grandmother move in with us if anything should happen to her. We are waiting for the next crisis to hit and we will let the social worker and discharge planner know that she will not be staying with us and she would be alone at her house. Does your mom have some kind of mental illnesses and what is your relationship like?
Great answer Lindaz! I think what makes the decision a harder one is if it is a parent. We have to keep in mind though, that with any illness, there's going to be personality changes. Our loved one will want, even though they say not, attention and care. They are scared of what is to be, rightfully so. With any memory impairment involved the caregiving grows in intensity as the disease progresses. It will become overwhelming, physically and mentally hard, you will need experienced help. I am my brother's caregiver, afflicted with ALZ. This has been a roller coaster ride from day 1, I now, more than ever, question my decision on taking on this role. As he has struggled with all of his losses, his old tough self has tried to hold on. I realize I am still on the tip of the iceberg, trying, and it saddens and troubles me. With this d--- disease he's losing, I am not winning either. It's important to really think caregiving through and ask yourself questions, tough ones. Home forever? Help coming in? Look at all options, seek out advisement, have a plan and see it through. Stay focused and strong. God Bless
Zanschild40, it seems to me that your primary question is when do you have your mom move in with you? is that right? BEFORE you make any decision to do that, PLEASE,PLEASE read the answers on this site about caregiver burnout and second (third, fourth, fifth etc) thoughts as to whether or not this was a good decision! Being a caregiver is a VERY stressful, unappreciated 24/7 job. If the person being cared for has dementia, personality changes or is in anyway impaired (other than a heart condition) or if you've always had a difficult relationship I think you are heading for a heartache. Most of us, truly want to care for our parents but do not understand (or DID NOT understand) what this would really entail. You will lose your freedom being a fulltime caregiver, and if you have any siblings or relatives, you can pretty much count on getting a bunch of criticism and no help. You really need to take all of this in mind BEFORE you make any decision to take your mom into your house. What will you do if she becomes completely bed-ridden? What if she has dementia and asks you the same question 47 times in a row and then starts up again the next day. What if she becomes angry and abusive and tells everyone that you are stealing from her or not feeding her? Many people on this site have had all of these things happen to them, and even more or worse things. Please look into all of these things before you decide, blessings Lindaz.
I know it is hard to take a parent into your home. But put yourself in your parent's shoes. Would you want your children to toss you aside in a nursing home with people who don't really care about you? Make sure it is the right time. If they are unable to comprehend the mail they receive, have memory problems, are falling down a lot, can't handle their finances anymore, then it is time for them to live with someone to handle all of that for them. Is it a sacrifice? Yes it is, but it is the right thing to do. So many of us just want to toss our old parents aside. Look at other cultures, they revere their elders. Granted, sometimes you feel resentful, angry, and trapped. Sometimes I'm not as patient as I should be. But put yourself in their shoes. Would you want a loved one to help you or a stranger? My mother is very grateful to have me. It gives her a peace of mind, and she is still in a home with someone who loves her. She has fallen many times, and I have picked her up many times, which can be hard physically to do at times. We have LifeAlert for emergencies when I am not here and I live within a mile of a hospital. That is the best we can do for now. I know as she ages (she'll be 92 in August), she will probably be wearing depends every night, I may have to give her a baths, fix her hair, help in the bathroom, but I don't mind. It is like having a child at times, but I try to treat her with dignity. She is very lucky to have a daughter who has empathy and loves her.
In agreement with everybody. Once they move in, it-is-permanent; there's no moving out. I retired early, moved, and bought a condo next door to Mother for 10 years, until she needed 24/7 round the clock care (plus wandering). They all need 24-hr care eventually if they live long enough, in order that they don't fall and hit their head in the middle of the night (which absolutely happens). Eventually there is no relief - it IS 24/7 for the caregiver. I've been through all of the stages. As for predicting end-of-life, unless it is a predictive condition like a severe and growing cancer, you cannot predict. 3 years ago the doctors called me to the hospital to be with my mom in what they thought was her last few hours of her life - Pulmonary embolisms. She is now 95 and could live several more years despite physical and mental challenges brought about by aging - and blindness (not due to her eyeballs, instead suddenly due to a stroke type event in her brain). You must look way down the road when making this decision - for her sake and yours.
We put a 450 square foot ADA compliant addition on our house for my Mom. She was driving at the time & now she's not. I did it for ME. I was going to her house constantly and this is so much easier. She has company - if she wants but is independent for the most part. Love having her around & then love closing the door & saying goodnite. A very very personal & life-altering decision. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
All good advice. You don't mention what sort of relationship you have with your mom. That is a huge consideration. Personally, I could never have had my mother live with me. But I understand that in some cultures, the children are expected to care for their elders. I am my husband's caretaker. I was lucky in that when he became disabled, I was no longer working and our children were grown. But as other have said, it is a HUGE undertaking and not for the faint of heart. Explore all your options, speak with sibs if you have them. Be honest with yourself. You now have an inkling of what is to come in the future. Do all the research you can on all your options. Do what is best for Mom, but more importantly, for YOU.
Yep. My mom was diagnosed nine years ago with CHF and was told 12-18 months to live. It's now 9 years later. She's still alive, but has all kinds of other issues to deal with. She is still living with me (moved in with my at the time of that dire diagnosis) and it's admittedly a struggle. Be careful in your decision-making as I've learned that two-year prognosis could end up being a lot longer than two years.
All great advisement! You have your homework to do and education and knowledge will only empower you in your decision making. Caregiving is hard, physically and mentally. In a health crisis most will say we don't want to become dependent, but it happens, we do, not our intent to hear bad news. Our loved ones may need us; they trust us, are frightened of what's to come, who wouldn't be? We are there, most, and instincts seem to kick in, on what we do, how much and for how long. You need to consult with your mom's doctors, possibly together, hear what's to happen down the road. Start considering and discussing what's best for all. There will be many options to consider, finances entering the picture as well. "No place like home," may be true but must be thought thru carefully. It's hard to see our loved one ill, with any illness there can be personality changes, it's a 24/7 responsibility and even with help you will find yourself staying involved. You care, worry, strive to trust. This is your mom, who better, you will know, go with your decision. Stay strong and focused. God Bless
Excellent advice above. Most who move an elderly parent in with them have the best of intentions, but often discover that they are in over their heads very soon afterward. Your freedom will be seriously curtailed if not stopped altogether. Even the most patient caregivers can begin to resent the situation and sometimes, even their parent. As the others mentioned, do you have a contingency plan if you become overwhelmed? Can you bring in help, and is bringing strangers into your home acceptable to you? What other obligations do you have in your life? Do you have an exit strategy if the situation becomes unbearable?
Please think good and hard before you move her in with you. I'd recommend exhausting other options first.
If she is able to live on her own allow her the dignity to stay in her own home as long as possible. It was very important to my Mom to be in her home with her belongings that she worked for her entire life. She made it in her home until 94 with lots of help from me. I would go there 3 times a day and help her. Once you move her in with you your entire freedom goes away. Hope this helps.
I think the best person to speak with is her cardiologist. Ask pointed questions and for their opinion on whether Mom can continue to live on her own (and for how long). You need an educated and experienced "guess" from someone who knows her medical history and ability to care for herself, if she is doing so at this point, and her prognosis. Explore ALL your options for caregiving, including a skilled nursing facility and health care in her home. Will you need to make modifications to your home? I truly believe your first step is to speak with her health care team.
My advice is not to move her in with you if you can avoid it. Think long term as her function deteriorates. How many weeks, months are you willing to nurse her 24/7? Will you hire in help?, how will this affect your family/friends/relationships and ability to do things? Will you still be able to have vacations?, family activities?, visiting grandchildren?, attending events? -- THink very hard on this.
Are there other ways you can spend quality time with mom over the next few years without being primary caregiver? Is time better spent getting her in the mindset to accept outside care in her home setting? Talking to hospice now and knowing what your options will be in the future?; doing more meaningful trips/outings with her while she still can -- while both of you maintain your independence? Are there ways to get her help/services while she can remain in her home?
Sorry u r going thru this but food for thought, my mother was told the same almost 15 years ago when she was diagnosed with CHF! Don't jump into anything too quick that you can't get out of...
Steady on a second - that 20-25% figure, there, is that her ejection fraction? Because if so, that doesn't equate to a fifth to a quarter of normal heart function; it represents the amount of blood that the heart pumps out with each beat. Normal is 55% and upwards (and yes I did have to check that!).
So it's possible that your mother's heart function (while I'm not pretending it's good) is not quite as bad as you were perhaps thinking?
Then the next bit: moving her in with you. Why do you feel that will become necessary, exactly? Where is your mother living now, and what sort of support does she have?
Please think good and hard before you move her in with you. I'd recommend exhausting other options first.
Are there other ways you can spend quality time with mom over the next few years without being primary caregiver? Is time better spent getting her in the mindset to accept outside care in her home setting? Talking to hospice now and knowing what your options will be in the future?; doing more meaningful trips/outings with her while she still can -- while both of you maintain your independence? Are there ways to get her help/services while she can remain in her home?
Second, what is your situation? Are you at home all day? Do you have family there to support YOU while you are supporting her?
What are the "other problems? Can she be left alone while you go to the store, for example?
So it's possible that your mother's heart function (while I'm not pretending it's good) is not quite as bad as you were perhaps thinking?
Then the next bit: moving her in with you. Why do you feel that will become necessary, exactly? Where is your mother living now, and what sort of support does she have?