What makes someone a bad person?

You are the minority thinking that because they cared for you, you must care for them. That is comparing apples to oranges!

Dialysis, you raise some good points. Why do some of us go the extra mile?

I do believe that those with unkind, cruel, abusive parents etc., have an out and should not be expected to sacrifice themselves. But, those of us who had wonderful, kind, caring, loving parents should not have an out unless of course we have our own health concerns or our parents needs are more than we as mere human beings can handle physically and financially.

I like you lost a lot of respect and or love for my siblings and at the time of my mom's greatest need there were four of us, including myself that could have stepped up to the plate. I was alone at the plate and like you scratch my head and ask why?

And Glad is right. Just cause someone cares for you doesn't mean it should or will automatically be reciprocated. Life just doesn't work like that.

People feel & show care in different ways.

Some give time & offer an ear, emotional support. Some bring gifts, nice flowers or practical aides. Some prefer hands-on tasks - from fixing a broken tap, computer to providing personal/nursing type care.

I ask: who should judge how another person showes care?

People can 'honour' in different ways too.

Honour means respect - it does not equal being a handmaiden.

Respect is letting people live their life the way they choose. Respecting may include where they end & others begin, staying free of enmeshment.

Is your brother a 'bad' person for not being built exactly like youself?

Leave the good vs bad. It is childish & poisonous. Accepting your brother is a different person to you & is able to make his own decisions separate to you - that's honourable to me.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I believe that belittling others to make ourselves feel more important is a character flaw we would do well to work on improving.

My mantra is that people do what they can do.

That's it.

Don't waste brain cells judging others on what they can or can't do. It's not productive. You've chosen to do what you're doing, and your brother and your friend are doing what they can do. Leave it alone, and for heaven's sake, stop asking what makes a "bad" person. It makes YOU look bad and holier than thou.

From another post of yours: "My S.O. is suffering from my choices and this isn't fair to her either. But, if I go, she can retire immediately. My liver has probably suffered as well since Wellbutrin isn't enough. Ultimately I don't care if I die, since then I'm no longer responsible. Sadly, it's almost a fantasy"

Your health and relationship with your SO are being negatively affected because of your insistence on taking care of your mother.

Just because someone doesn't want to become their parent's 24/7/365 caregiving slave, doesn't make them bad. You resent your brother because he's stepped away. That could be your choice, too.

" It sucks taking her to banks and trying to re-arreange accounts based upon her will (I had to make the appt with a lawyer to get this going as well)."

Why did you have to rearrange bank accounts according to her will, as you wrote in another post? Is your mother going to leave more assets to you because she lives with you?

Also, I hope she's contributing towards living expenses, since she lives with you?

As the “abandoned one”, who agreed to “sharing care” exactly 3 seconds before the other “devoted child” “unexpectedly”moved 1,000+ miles away, I consider myself lucky.

Safely and ultimately contentedly domiciled in a fine SNF a couple miles from my house, LO is by no stretch of the imagination “…abandoned…”, and now close to death is visited daily, impeccably cared for, cherished by my spouse and me, and over all treated with the same respect as those whom she loved herself when younger.

If you’re looking to relieve yourself of her hands on care while assuring yourself that excellent care can be found elsewhere, do your research and do that.

First of all, I was one who went the last mile to help both my parents, whose dying took almost six years. I've taken care of another relative after stroke and also a friend - both hands-on care in the home. Now I'm caring for my beloved husband. BUT. To answer your question:

Maybe you never had a parent that beat you with various objects for minor infractions while you were growing up, even to the extent of breaking a ruler on your hipbone, and so now opening your home to your abuser is abhorrent to you. Maybe you never had a sweet kind old grandpa that everyone thought was just that, but he started sticking his tongue down your throat when you were 8 years old and raped you at age 11, so you continue to keep your silence but refuse to help when he becomes old and sick. Maybe you never had a husband who was the life of the party in public but living with him was hell because he cursed and yelled at you in the privacy of your home, got drunk every night, and committed physical, emotional and financial abuse against you, so you turn over caregiving to your stepchildren when he gets sick because you were planning on divorcing him and you've already retained a lawyer. Maybe you never had a mother who put you down, talked about you behind your back, and betrayed you when she could have been supportive, so you can't bear the thought of being around her at all much less changing her diapers. All these things happened to people I know. All these are excellent reasons not to provide caregiving to those who think they are entitled. No one owes anyone caregiving. Caregiving is a gift, and people don't care to make a gift to those who have created misery, chaos, and mayhem in their lives.

A few final words - "When you judge others you don't define them. You define yourself." --Earl Nightingale

I think I would give up the busy-ness of judging others, and just get on with your own choices. It will curb a lot of the anger you feel. They have made their choices. You have made yours.
I myself understand my own limitations. While I was a RN for my career and LOVED it, I was well paid, and worked three days a week toward the end of the career, with lots of paid vacation and time off. It was always clear to me that this caregiving was not something I could EVER do in my own home, no matter the love I had for my family. Again, it is about our human limitations. I never pretended in my life to be the best person out there; when the nominations for Sainthood come along you won't see my name (given the outcome for the job of Sainthood, I am fine with that).
You can love a parent without throwing yourself upon some sacrificial altar in giving up your own life for them. My parents never wanted that for me, and I have (I am 80) make it clear that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I want that for my own children.
We have our own lives with our own choices when we are adults. If we have children we owe it to them to raise them the best way we can. They owe us the love we earned by being decent parents, and then they owe us to get on with THEIR OWN LIVES, caring for their own children should they choose to have them, and living decent lives.
My opinion only. We all have one. I am afraid I fall into your brother's camp. You can judge me, if you still have time for such meaninglessness in your busy life. Or you can just get on with your own choices. I wish you the very very best.

Your brother is not a bad person. He does not owe your mother care. Raising a child and caring for an elder cannot be compared. Two completely different skill sets.

People do not get abandoned in ALs or NHs. They need to go there to be safe and cared for when they required more care than a family can give or are able to give. A bad person would condemn those of us who needed to make that choice.

Does your mom have a POA?

My brother didn't help. We both loved and cared about our mom. He couldn't help for whatever reasons, no patience, agoraphobia, alcoholism, fear, that kept him in his own house, so many possible reasons. I was better at it, so I did it. I did not think he was a bad person. In fact when my brother was dying, a year before our mom died, he asked me about her every day and in the end called out for her. There's no point judging. It takes up too much energy.

Their mouth.

I'm clearly in the minority here, in that I agree with much of what you say, while most of those who answered before me seem not to.

But ultimately, it comes down to this - while a lot of people here have a lot of experience here on the topic, it's just a forum of strangers on the internet. Each of us, them, you, me, can express any opinion. It's is not a council, with any authority.

And the opinions we hold about each of our situations, are just one more lonely aspect of our situations. You will sometimes feel like you're the only person on earth who feels the way you do.

not helping doesn’t make someone a bad person. It means they don’t want to help. caregiving a cute baby is not the same as caregiving an old person

People will do what they want to do. Some will do more, some will do less, some will do nothing. Some of us are willing to sacrifice more, some are not willing to do so for a variety of reasons. Are those who choose to do nothing bad? Not necessarily, they may have had bad relationships(abuse, personality clashes, etc.) with their parents or be physically unable to help. Barring poor relationships or physical infirmities, I, like you, believe we owe them care. It's the humane thing to do. But it is for each person to decide how far they are willing to go in providing care.

I am the oldest of 4 and a girl. I also was the one living in the same town as my parents. One brother 8 hrs away, the other 30 min. I took Mom into my home in 2014 after a hospital stay for a UTI showed she could not go home. I had her for 20 months. I am not a Caregiver and my Mom was fairly easy to care for. But I could not do the unpredictability of Dementia. It was like having a small child again. I would finally get to sit down, and she wanted something. My brothers daughter was getting married 8 hours away. No way was I taking Mom on an 8 hour trip. After 20 months of literally 24/7 care (only getting out when DH was home and that about 1 hr because there were things he could not do for Mom) I needed to get away and have a good time. So, I went to the nearest AL to see about respite care. Found they were having a half price sale on room and board so ended up placing Mom. Best thing for her. She had more freedom. Adapted right away. The aides loved her. And I enjoyed her more.

See, it was always JoAnn. I was the babysitter for the other 3. The one given the most responsibility. The one there for Hospital and Rehab stays. When Mom could not drive anymore, her driver to appts and shopping. I raised 2 girls and cared for 2 grandsons. My daughter is an RN and at one time they lived with me so I babysat grandson while she went to school. She graduated, placed him in Daycare and moved out. But I still had him every other weekend and overnights to drop him off at daycare. Then I worked for the next few years. She married and had another boy who I babysat for 18 months. That stopped because I took Mom in. I enjoyed about 1 year of retirement, I was so tired of caring for others by the time Mom came along. Forgot, in 2008 my physically disabled nephew, chose to live with my Mom after living with my brother for 11 years. Mom was 80. I had to set him up with a Special Needs Trust, SSD and the ARC. When Mom passed, I had to find him State help for housing and a coordinator. I am his driver and POA. He does well on his own and has an aide once a week but I am payee for a Government annuity and I have some overseeing I have to do. I will have this responsibility until one of us dies.

I too wondered why people didn't take their parents in, I found out. You must be a special person to continue to care for someone, I carry no grudges against my brothers. The one thing that did anger me was they did not see her or even call her often. She was a good Mom and deserved better from her sons. But, they are the ones that have to live with that, not me. At 73, I do not plan on caring for anyone else but my DH. And he has been told that if his care gets physically too much for me, I cannot promise that I will not place him. Its an actual fear for him do I pray the Lord takes him before I ever have to make that decision.

Cut ties with your brother if he is Not your friend . Friends help each other out .

Your brother is not a bad person. He is a smart person. You want to take care of your mother and change her diapers for the next one or two decades because she changed your diapers when you were a baby that's your choice. But don't demonize your brother because he doesn't want to see his mother's vagina or wipe feces from her behind daily.

Your mother needs more care than you can humanly be expected to provide. Why don't you think your mother is #### because she doesnt see how much of a burden this is on you? If she has social security or money it should be used to get help in your house to care for her. If she is unwilling and wanta you to do it all she is selfish.

Seems like you are too caught up in trying to determine who is good and bad. Human relationships are complicated. I could never live with my mother and have to limit contact for my own mental health. So if you want to call me a bad person you go right on ahead but you don’t know the whole story. Maybe your brother is right that you can’t handle this because you do sound very frustrated and upset but I don’t know your whole story…