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Hi,


My sister recently moved out of state and since then my father has pretty much told me I cannot go visit or on vacation because he should not be alone. I don't understand where the problem is, my sister and I have been going away together right up until recently before she moved. He says he cannot handle being alone and we need to find a caregiver and he is not paying for it. What kind of caregiver would I need to just drive him to the store or appointments and just check in on him maybe once a day. He still cooks,cleans, handles all the yard work himself. I just feel this is another controlling thing he is doing to me. My own fault, yes I never left home because of his narcissistic ways I am 53 and have been bullied my whole life. I work 4 days a week 12hrs a day and he does just fine alone. also insists he doesn't want to be a burden but then pulls stuff like this whenever I try to go somewhere. Refuses to go to senior living so that leaves me with no life.

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How about standing up to him and leaving?
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Why do you believe that because he says he can’t be alone that it’s on you to solve this? You’re an adult, hence free to decide what you will and won’t do. If he wants a caregiver for when you’re gone, it’s on him to hire one with his money. There’s zero reason for you to give into this, you deserve a life free from guilt and manipulation
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You mention in your profile that dad has dementia. Given this fact he really should not be left alone.
You can contact an agency and request a caregiver. One that can drive him to the store and appointments.
YOU do not pay for the caregiver HE pays for the caregiver with his assets.
If he does not have dementia and he can manage on his onw then you can leave him and he can make his own arrangements for appointments or to the store.
I would suggest that if he does have doctor appointments scheduled while you are going to be gone that you reschedule them for your return so you can go with him.
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Well how very nice of him to tell you this.. NOT ! And you get to pay for HIS care too?? You simply say I am going, and I hired XYZ to help you out as you said you need a CG.. your funds will cover it.. or you can pay ME for the time I spend with you.. No discussion,, just the statement. You get vacation from your "real" job,, so if he wants to act like your employer instead of your Dad he gets to pay his own way also. If he is OK alone you probably can get away with a "companion" instead of someone with medical training. Sounds like he needs a friend or someone to hang out with instead of real caregiver. My BIL and wife used to hire one to check in on FIL when the went on short trips. Helped with meals and errands.
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Why does he think that he doesn’t have to pay for a caregiver? They aren’t free! Nothing in life is free! You can call some agencies and see what they can offer for people going on vacation. You could also hire an independent caregiver. If it weren’t during COVID, I would recommend that he could stay at an assisted living facility for respite care.

He will continue to believe that you owe him your entire life if you allow him to think so. You deserve a life of your own.

I am sorry that he has been this way with you. He most likely won’t change at this point, so you will have to decide if you want to continue living with these restraints or if you wish to be free.
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Tell Dad to pound sand.

He does not have the right to dictate your lives.

You do have a life, you just need to take control of it away from your Dad.

Move out and let him sort it out.

Now I expect that as you have lived for 53 years under his thumb you will need a considerable amount of therapy, but you still have upwards of 40 years ahead of you. Seize the day and live your best life.
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