From 1 to 10, what is your love and compassion meter like?

When Dad first first came home from rehab, I was furious at my siblings for not helping. Compassion was overridden by anger and despair. I not only had to take care of my father 24/7, I was getting little sleep, awake at any noise. I had no training, nor a loving empathic personality.

So i Took my strengths analysis, foresight, competence, and I put them to use. I educated my self, read every book, I could find on the subject of elderly care, and Parkinson's.. My I built a support team, to my lover, I cried out my despair, he calmed me, and taught me to honor Dad's wishes, my best friend was a nurse, she calmed my fears and gave me valuable input. I carved out pockets of time just for me, early morning was best. When family came over for get togethers, I took naps. As I gained confidence my compassion was around 5. I was approachable but still angry.

Slowly inexorably I learned patience. I started to enjoy the caregiving. If I was stuck in the house, I baked bread. I stopped doing things for Dad, and started making his efforts successful. Big difference, when I learned to let go and listen, my compassion was 7. Miracles happened, I became approachable, happy. Through education, especially this website, I understood their fears , and childhood roleplay. I taught them listen to him, trust your gut. Enjoy him. I made it easy for them to offer help. I let go of anger, now all 6 siblings give me 4 hours a week. My one sister, who I thought would never come through, just gave me a 3 day respite.

Now my compassion level is 9, for everyone. I have learned and grown immensely througth this year and a half. . Sister Imaculatta used to tell me everyday of fifth grade patience is a virtue that must be cultivated. I think she would be proud of me.

I know how you feel, I took on my MIL and made everyone's life easier,, Your husband needs to "Man up" and take responsibility for 'his" mother..Let him know how unhappy you are..Start looking into NH with your husband...Also do the overnight with out your husband and let him care for her while you're away..He'll get the message...It's time to start thinking about "you", not your husband,MIL, children...Stop letting people take advantage of you..

Lately I've been pretty numb. I despise my MIL for refusing to leave her home. I've had to leave mine, for 3 yrs now. My husband is an only child & won't try to move her anywhere. Just when we found a place for her, he decided we should fix up our home and bring her there! We are in the process of renovating our own home (due to water damage) .

.She has been mentally ill for at least 60yrs. I want to help her, I just never thought it would mean being under her thumb and control. She's very intelligent and uses her disabilities to gain sympathy from people. I'm afraid the compassion I once had, is lost. Can't even get away for a single overnight together. She won't ALLOW any stranger in her house to help her. I lined up a podiatrist to do a house call but she blew up at the last minute & put her foot down. That's when I realized she will never let us bring in help! There will only be one move in her future. I think it will have to be to assisted living. Her vision, OCD, paranoia, & physical unsteadiness would make it very hard to leave her in our home alone.( At her house at least she knows where everything is.) It's either her house , or a home! I've tried to explain to her if no help can come in, she will end up somewhere else. She just thinks I can do everything , constantly, forever!

Sooo I suppose my meter is broken & stuck. Struggling to keep it above a 2. I try to stay involved in small ladies group bible studies, church activities and my 6 grandchildren but the minute I walk back into this house, my compassion sinks...

Does my compassion vary from day to day? No.

Does my ability to express and implement my compassion vary from day to day. Yes!

I don't have a meter for it, though.

Thank you for your input and honesty. It's always good to hear a fresh outlook on it all.
The truth is, I tell him all the time how I feel. I have packed up a couple of times & spent the night back at our house, alone. (I even took a week at a ladies retreat.) Keep in mind , our house is under construction and not so cozy , right now. He understands how difficult she is!
He is also a highly respected , salt of the earth kind of guy. I am just realizing that he just can't make a plan for the next step! I have realized that I need to go and gather the info for assisted living. ( He is also extremely busy between being self employed, on staff at church, handling her household finances & ours while trying to settle his fathers estate). I am glad he wants to care for his mother. I know he will always take care of me ,as well.
I just don't think he can really comprehend how emotionally damaging it is on me. He keeps promising me a vacation anywhere I want to go , when its all over. I'm just not sure I will be the same person, by then.

We also don't have POA. All she has financially , is signed over to my husband though. Not even sure if we can force her anywhere, against her will. (she was in a mental institution for a yr in 1960 & hates any in institution!). We are hopeing she will go along with the assisted living & not the more restricted.(she doesn't mean to be the "pain..." that she is)Honestly she may not even survive the move. She will be in such a state...Thanks again for the discussion!

What advice would you give your own children who were in this situation??

Hi JPFrazzled, thanks for sharing. I agree with ppalmer316 about your husband. Maybe he has a deeper issue within himself(from your story, he seems fully occupied). By promising to take you for a vacation, I could sense he is a good man & son. Its just about time. And time is patience in our journey. While I know that this is about YOU, we cant ignore the facts that we must keep it together as a family. Hope you can take it one day at a time. Bydway, I have the same feeling when you wrote the minute I walk back into this house, my compassion sinks.... well, just forget about the meter reading ok :-)

Hi kathyt1. Your story is so inspirational! Thanks a lot for sharing. Whilst I wish I'd have your sibling/family/nurse friend, which seems unrealistic, lol, im happy that you made it this far. Owh, the childhood roleplay works for my dad too. Hope you can continue sharing your input here elsewhere in other thread/discussion as well. Thankyou :-)

Hi jeannegibbs. Wow. Ok :-)