What is wrong with me? I think I am situationally depressed...

It is difficult when you are giving so much time and energy, both physical and emotional, to have any energy or desire left to get dressed, get out of the house and then try to "fake it" in front of other people. Even our closest friends get tired of hearing about our situation with our elderly Mothers, and it's hard to put on a smile and brave face and act like nothing is bothering you.  If we do make the effort it is usually worthwhile at the end of the evening and I hope you are able to find some rest and peace and take a caregiving break soon.

I knew moving my mother in with me would never work, on multiple levels... I'm sure the neediness might come into play, but her negativity, repetition of everything, knowing how dementia would go downhill, not liking my cats, etc in addition to her being unable to do full stairs (only way in or out of my place) AND the fact that my back would never allow me to be able to physically assist her (she outweighs me to begin with!), there was no way I would do it. My brothers on hearing the cost of AL/MC were initially saying gee for that price I'll take her in! I just said be careful what you are saying - get informed and KNOW what this means and what will be in store for you before committing to that!!! (Adding also that their SO, wife in one case, needs to be considered in this equation as well)

So I agree with some other suggestions people have given.

Getting out of the house, whether it be a job, volunteering, or just being with friends (and NOT discussing FIL AT ALL!), the more the better. I will guess maybe you are both retired? If you give hubby a good taste of caring for him all by himself all day every day, perhaps he will see the light!

Counseling can help, even if it just allows you to vent (you can do that here as well, and get feedback so that you know you are not alone!) As someone else said, medication might help you some, but it is NOT going to get FIL out of the picture! One could only dream of a pill that would take care of all life's displeasures!!!

Another suggestion I saw was going the respite route again, despite FIL not liking it. It is not his decision. I'm not sure exactly what FIL's needs are, you do not specify in profile what his condition is. If not dementia and he can be left alone, leave a loaf of bread, plate, knife and some PBJ! No need to prepare meals, but if hubby wants to do that, so be it. Refuse to help out there. I would suggest an extended (at least a week, perhaps 2) respite, where you either take a vacation with hubby, or just stay home alone and reconnect with each other, maybe he will see how nice it is... it would have to be more than a few days, let it soak in!!!

Although hubby thinks a lot of his dad, placing him in AL where he can visit, take him out, etc as often as he wants is still honoring his dad - just without compromising his own health or his marraige!! He can hang with dad as much as he wants, somewhere else...

Sounds like you need a break. Take a holiday or weekend away with your husband. Look for alternative care for FIL. Is there a way to live more separately at least.

I just went through this, I would actually look at my mother and seethe with hatred. I put her in one week respite and she comes home tomorrow. 8/21/18. Still need more time, I say, but I do feel a whole lot better. I think the only answer is, is you have to put him in respite care, I say 2 weeks for you to relax, refresh and rejuvenate. My outlook is already turning around for the better and I don’t look at my mother now, and seethe with hatred.

I recently wrote on another MIL post “You are balancing two ‘wants’ - what you want and what she wants. You can’t balance a see-saw if one end is always the weightiest, and no-one gets any fun out of it either”. Your problem is worse, because Hubby is also sitting on the see-saw close to FIL’s end. Logic says get off your end and tell Hubby he’ll have to sit there for a while. Logic isn’t always easy to follow, but could you go away for a break on your own and let the two of them see what it’s like to cope? Considering the number of marriages that break up over this (and it is drifting toward this point for you, from the sound of it), it is worthwhile doing something drastic to avoid things getting worse. It seems awful that a spell in hospital for you might seem like the only justifiable way to do it. Can’t you think of someone who might agree to ‘need you desperately’ for a month?

We had (now departed) MIL stay to recuperate for 10 weeks a while ago, in a completely self-contained end of the house. Although at home she usually stayed in bed until about 9.30am, with us she would get up and join us at 7am as soon as she heard any movement. It drove us nuts, and we both really loved her. I don’t think you can look forward to coping long term in your situation. You have my total sympathy.

Side, I'm with you! My mom is out of rehab and I took her to my house for the second time knowing I shouldn't . She has been here 4 days now, and I can't stand the sight of her. I have in a back bedroom with a couch and a tv and wants nothing but to be out with us in the living room with the tv blaring. We made rules before she came, and she won't stick to them after day two without a fight. I am ready to take her back to her apartment and let her manage on her own. I am tired of the tv, hygiene, neediness, waiting on her, thermostat, bowel movement problems etc. and just the invasiveness of her being here! I have begged her to stay in the back but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be with her. My SO , argue all the time. We have been waiting for in home service for almost eight weeks and they keep prolonging everything. I thought she would be here a few days at most but now I get a letter from IHSS that the doctor didn't fill out the med cert completely ( which I hand delivered to them 3 weeks ago) 3 weeks to tell me this! So Side, I'm not offering any advice, because I don't have any. But I send you a big hug! But, the last 24 hours have been good as we finally found a 1 yr old pup we rescued,after losing our dog three months ago. This puppy is the cutest, snuggle buggle I've ever seen, so at least I have something to be happy for...
Sorry for my venting.....

Who or what is a FIL ? Everyone seems to know but me. Oh - Father-In-Law?
* If this is the situation, wouldn't you need to get in agreement/alignment with your husband to decide what to do?
* Does your husband know - to the degree - how you are feeling? Does he support you?
* Often we need a little help (medication, anti-depression/anxiety) to get through a difficult time - do it. It doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. It may not be 'just a mood' as brain chemistry and hormones change.
* Exercise.
* Practice gratitude exercises - they do help.
* Perhaps couples counseling. Sounds like your husband and you need to communicate and hear each other. I don't know how your husband feels or if he even understands how you feel. Sounds like this would be a joint decision where both of you need to be in agreement - if changes are to happen so you have a life - and your home - again. G

first of all ... i am NOT being funny !

i feel really bad for you but i want to thank you for posting. I am so sorry youre in this situation and wish there were a good answer for you.

my daughter feels uncomfortable going to AL facilities with me to check them out for someday and i think hurt because i dont want to live with her.

Your post says it exactly why i dont even want to imagine her having to face this. Ive sent it to her.

Ive sent it to her.

God Bless you for taking him into your home. I know the feelings you are having and it is so hard. You are not alone in this.
Its so important to take care of ourselves. To continue to try to care for ourselves even when we feel our efforts aren’t working. One thing that works wonders for me is taking a walk ( when I’m granted the strength to get out of the door). My walk takes me about forty minutes and I always feel great when I’m done.
Granted, moods can change throughout the day based on the circumstances. However, I know I’ve done something good for myself and that makes me feel better too.
Its too bad he doesn’t like respite care. Honestly, it’s not his choice. You need it, your husband needs it. He will get used to it. We can’t sacrifice ourselves for one person. It’s exhausting.
I pray you find something you can do a few times a week or daily to smile and keep hope.

Dear Sidelined,

i wish that I had read your post last year! I felt the exact same way with my MIL who came to live with us, her only son, for a year. She was 95 and unable to live alone anymore.
I used to like her even though she was sassy and opinionated. She was quite intelligent and stylish in her youth. Having her in my home was a different matter. She was either needing attention or watching tv constantly with the volume up. She did not help herself with meals and drinks even though she could. She did not like our respite people or a beautiful assisted living respite home. She thought our home in Vermont was “in the middle of the g-d Woods.” When she became more confused and had bathroom accidents and wakefulness at night, we moved her to assisted living (she did not like that one bit).

Until then, we did set up her own tv space, had her wear headphones for viewing tv, spent time by ourselves in our living room, and went out on a regular basis. We took handles off the stove, and had a security camera in the house. she wore an alarm pendant when we went out. We did include her in a weekly movie, invited her to about 60% of our meals together, occasional rides and outings, family visitors, etc. Despite all of this, she was never happy, did not want to go to a senior center, only wanted to hang out with us all of the time. When I gave gentle cues for bathroom hygiene, she became very anxious. The stay at our home really impacted our relationship negatively.

During that time, I did go to a counselor. It helped me to have perspective and to take care of myself. It helped to put limits on the “invasiveness” of her presence. Luckily, my husband was on the same page. That it important!

I truly wish for you to have private time, peace of mind, and know when enough is enough. For now, respite!!!

You've received some great suggestions, recommendations and support already. I just want to add a couple of thoughts.
1. In order to survive and even thrive while your FIL is living with you, you need to consider what your needs are. This may be alone time, time alone with your husband, time out with girlfriends to recharge your batteries...
2. If at all possible, consider either hiring an aide to come in a few hours each day (if your FIL cannot be left alone)
3) IF your FIL can be left alone, consider asking your church, synogogue, or community senior center if there are any volunteers who could come and visit with your FIL4) While your FIL may object to in-patient respite care, he might do well at a day program where he gets picked up and dropped off each day, or a few days/week. This can also offer respite for you as he won't be in the house 24/7
4) Yes, you and your husband need date nights more than ever to keep your relationship loving and not just about caregiving.
5) Support groups are helpful... I created one that takes place on the phone because all too often caregivers cannot leave the house... If you can leave, and there's a support group near you, it can be helpful to attend so that you don't feel so isolated and alone (which contribute to feeling depressed)
6) It's time to take as good care of yourself as you do of your FIL... as they tell you whenever you fly on an airplane, that should oxygen be required and you're traveling with dependents, place the oxygen mask over YOUR face first... so, this is all about what you're doing or going to do to take in YOUR oxygen...
Wishing you ease going forward, and a reminder to breathe...

Sidelined- fil might not fathom all the hard work, you have done for him. The older generations tend to think women are natural caregivers. Like we love to do this. Hah!
He probably feels great, I get to be with family! Wonderful. Not thinking He is like a missile dropped into your life. Now your living with the fallout. My attempt at humor. ~
I wouldn't wait for hubs & fil to thank you. Or take notice all you do, and give up for them.
So you treat yourself right. 😚

I feel the same way sometimes. I’m on lexapro daily and Xanax when it gets bad. It’s no way to live.

Get yourself to the doc asap. That sounds like depression. You need help bc this situation isn't going away. Go more often to therapist. Call a friend who won't mind you venting.

Once your at the party, you might find yourself able to relax and have fun. I've done that. Didn't want to go out. Forced myself, on many occassions. Once there, got in a better mood and had fun.

If friends start asking how is fil, say fine, don't elaborate! Drop subject. Your putting him on a shelf for the moment, and enjoying yourself. Do not elaborate, it will depress you more. Depression is anger turned inward. This is your time. Fil doesnt get to intrude on your thoughts, whilst out with friends. Your compartmentalizing.

Next I'd have a big ol chat with the hubs.... It's prob getting on his nerves too. He probably thinks he can't say it.

Fil doesnt like respite care because it is strangers, different souroundings, strange bed, strange noises, told by strangers when to get up, eat, dress, next activity, etc. And he might not remember when your coming back. Even if told. Scary! We are all creatures of habit. Love our routines, and souroundings.

Unfortunately you gave fil a say in where he will go. Of course he'll say no. Hes got family to wait on him in familiar surroundings. It can't work like that. Not any more.

Compromise and get him, a carer to come to the house. Too bad if he doesn't like it. Too bad husb wont like it. Most people are pleasant to strangers. It's family they have no problem taking their moods out on.
If he balks and says he wants to go with you, casually say sorry not this time. I'd just say your going out. Do NOT elaborate where, or he'll demand to go. He does not need to know your whereabouts. Dont be defensive. Just no thanks, maybe next time. All light and nice. Even though you want to scream. Tell him short and sweet, this is me time. I've made arraingments. Do not ask him if he minds! Do not have a discussion, or argument. Do not elaborate. Do not include him in the planning stage. Your telling him about an hour before it happens. By the way, nonchalantly, so and so is coming over to keep you company. Dont say "to watch you", while I'm out. So there can be no change of plans. No demands to go. No demands you stay. If he gets mad, tell him you'll be back. End of discussion. Then go! Keep it light, so he can't argue. Tell him if he's good you might bring him something back lol.

If he doesn't like it, he can go to bed early, get comfy on the bed, and watch his programs with a snack. How about a special dvd from the 2 dollar red box? That will keep him busy lol.
I'd put on the military channel, my dad was in heaven. Occupied for hours. If that doesn't work, TMC oldie movies. He'll love it Lol.

I'd making it a standing weekly thing for your sanity. Don't let hubs talk you out of it! Go to a movie, dinner. Force yourself!. You will feel better once you get there. You will feel better once you take back your life.

Does Fil have a tv in his room, and a comfy chair? Get one. Send him up to watch his programs. That way you can maintain your routines and have some relaxing time alone, or with hubs in the evening. Or you go up to your room and watch your fav shows, and the 2 guys can watch guy shows downstairs. Get a DVD player if you have to. Go read, take a bath. Take a walk. Walk around your property.
You will have to carve out your life from him. Make yourself a priority.

Tell husb he is pitching in more. Fil can go to adult day care 1x a week. Or for a few hours couple times a week. It will get him out of your hair for a bit. You can also say it's for Fil sanity, bc he's just plopped on couch 24/7. He needs to be mentally stimulated. This is true.
Or husb can take him for a ride to the park, drugstore, or a leisurely drive. They can go to nearby park, sit and feed the birds. Go to dog park, watch the dogs. It's an hour. Let's you relax.
Good luck~

You're a grown up. You don't have to burn what limited energy you have on a rain dance, you just say you're sorry but you are not up to it and hope you can get together another time.
You also need some down time. The good feeling is fleeting, but after my little adventure a couple weeks ago I have decided that as caregivers we all need SOMEthing to look forward to. For me it was having the blessings of a good friend to indulge my desire and spend three nights that went so quickly within 45 minutes of home where I am caring for my elder parents. I slept. I ate, I had room service and my OWN THERMOSTAT. A view of trees and sky.
I can imagine how hard this must be considering this isn't a blood relative.
I am no fan of support groups but have been helped immensely by the one monthly I attend for adult children. IF only to realize things could be so much worse.
Adopt a pup, distract yourself, do a good thing and feel the love. ANd remember, this will not last forever.
And especially don't forget you get to say NO. ALthough...it's possible once you get there you might feel better...

I went to an excellent counselor that really helped me. It doesn’t matter to your brain if you are depressed because of a bad situation or depressed for no reason. You are still depressed.
I told the counselor, “Help me learn to live with this person in my life, and then I can make the right decision about whether I should continue living with this person. “

My friend got a part time job at CostCo handing out samples to get out and be around people and away from the situation. She loves it, and she was a corporate banker.
If your FIL cannot be left alone, then his son will have to figure something out.
I needed help with my emotions and anxiety and depression so I could be at peace. Then all that other fell into place because I was a stronger advocate for myself.
None of this is easy. But you are being discounted and your feelings are important too.

By the way, your husband doesn't seem to be helping the situation. You must come first as his wife, and dad second. Your husband needs to support his wife! Maybe you can take a little vacation and see what happens while your gone.... but bottom line is you both need time alone with each other. If dad has his own room, make him watch tv there, and NOT in the living/family room. He has taken over your house, it seems... time to do something about it!

Side; I'm going to encourage you to visit your doctor for a check-up. Depression is a disease (I have it at times) and you need to get treatment, just as if you had diabetes or cancer.

You can see solutions MUCH more clearly when you're not depressed. Please; reach out for treatment!

It sounds like you are getting burned out. Not that you don't like FIL, but the lack of privacy and time alone with your hubby is getting to you. It may be time for you and hubby to sit down with FIL and explore alternative arrangements for his care.

I totally understand where you're coming from. My mom lived with us too for awhile and the lack of privacy was one of the hardest things. I also turned down invites from friends because I just didn't have any energy, I was so exhausted. He may not like respite, adult day care, AL, any of those choices, but you and hubby have to take care of yourselves and your marriage too.

its so easy to start feeling depressed and then get caught not doing anything about it. I was depressed just the other day. and it lasted a few days. that may not be a 'true' depression, but it feels like crap so that's what I call it. I swear, I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. I don't even want to SHOP for fun. everything seems BLAH.
I feel better today. but ive had depression off and on for years. so maybe im just prone to it.

sometimes you have to force yourself into an activity. so since you already RSVP'd  - I would say try your best to go. I usually end up having a better time than I expected. start by picking out something to wear. maybe even contact your lifelong friend and explain how you feel. sometimes just telling someone how you feel, and hearing their voice and concerns will help pick you up.

on the long term part of caring for FIL. sounds very hard if the sight of him is making your blood boil. for this im sorry for you situation. and I understand how it could bring you down...

I forgot to mention that three things helped me out of a severe depression and break down 4 years ago. A change in situation (I left a job) and many hours of one on one counselling, plus Ativan as needed when I could not calm myself down.

Originally I took a 4 month leave from my job. After I went back I started to make plans for a big change and 8 months later left for good and went back to school.

I know my situation did not involve a elderly parent at that time, but I did learn that my well being comes first. For 30 years I put everyone else ahead of me and it took its toll.

Yes, it sounds like depression. Just as we do not choose to be depressed, we can not switch it off at will.

I do not know your situation as far as why your fil lives with you and do not have time right now to look at your prior posts. But if his living with you is having an adverse impact on your own health and mental health is as important as physical health, then you may need to rethink his being there.

It does not matter if Mr. Picky does not like respite care, it is not for him, it is for you and your dh. He does not get a choice in the matter. Off he goes to give you an important break. A week off will not cure your depression, but it will allow you time off and either privacy in your own home or a chance to get away.