What is the potential thought process that makes my 82-year-old mom no longer desire to be self-sufficient and/or independent?

Does she have to "inconvenience" others if she hires people to work for her? Or is she not wanting to have people work for her now? I was not clear about that. As people age, they often want to let go of some of their responsibilities for the home. Make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives and a will if she has assets. You may need an attorney to help with this, if it's not already done. My mother agreed to make me (her POA) joint owner of all of her financial accounts. Assuming that you are or will be her POA, talk to your mother about taking over the financial matters for her at this time. She might be ready for this. Then set up online access for the accounts and set up autopay as much as you can. Have all of the bills and statements sent to your address. Also talk to your mother about living options. Perhaps she would prefer a senior independent living facility where they serve meals and do the housekeeping, arrange activities, and there are other people her age, etc. For my mother, we looked for a continuous care facility that had independent living/assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing all on one campus (different wings), and they helped with the move when the time came for my mother to move to wings that offered more care. Try to do this while she is still able to sign legal documents and she can still make decisions about her future.

Baseball: Perhaps your mother needs to see her primary care physician for a physical.

I think many (/most!) people eventually get to a point where they are just tired of keeping up with life and don't really care. Some people don't feel responsible for their own happiness and like to hold others responsible. Add in some depression that comes from increased isolation and health problems (even aches and pains that make life more challenging), and some people will resort to dependency quite quickly.
My mom has always been very independent but in her weakened state of dementia, she has become increasingly more dependent and less motivated to keep herself up. My MIL, on the other hand, was pretty healthy even past 90, but would have let someone do absolutely everything for her if they were willing. She was depressed and no amount of attention from friends or family (or medication) seemed to help. She had no problem putting people out, but I did understand that depression played a big part in her behavior. All I can say is try to set good, healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't burn out.

You have been given alot of good advice. What almost screams out to me is assuming there is a logical thought process regarding this issue. Realistic situations require logical thinking.

You are fortunate you had years with a mother who did all she did. I have an aunt who was a great cook, always kept a spotless home, raised three children and went to work when extra money was needed. She also helped greatly with her grandchildren. She now cannot do any of that. She lives with a divorced daughter and her son who has brain damage from a terrible car accident. My senseless cousins have allowed her to drive knowing she has severe memory loss. Police have had to get her home. I know I am rambling but I guess my point is that there can come a time when rational thinking is no longer in play. I hope you find the help you need.

Does aging automatically make us have disregard for other people? I don't think so! I'm in my 80's, have been independent my whole adulthood. I hate asking for help.

But I also hate the fact that I no can no longer drive. I have to do a lot of advance planning to accomplish basic shopping, haircuts, a needed trip to the post-office, getting clothes to the cleaners of even the GoodWill, visit to my attorney, my doctor, the bank etc.
I'm not as quick-thinking as I used to be and if I move at what seems a normal speed for me, the body doesn't always co-operate. Sometimes I fall. Falls didn't used to bother me, but that was because it was easy to get up and keep going. Now it's difficult to get up and I risk breaking a hip like other elderly people I know.

Actually, life is a lot more convenient these days with the internet and credit cards. But I didn't grow up with internet. It's an ever changing world online and I'm not very skilled at handling it. Oh, I used to have pretty good control of things...but nowadays not even my bladder cooperates (now, that's embarrassing). Nor do my arthritic hands that used to easily sew on a button or fasten a necklace behind my neck.

I used to have friends with whom I could commiserate. We would laugh about our difficulties, swap tips for getting things done. But most of them are gone now, dead before I was ready to say goodbye. And I miss them.
Sorry if this sounds like a sob story. I know young people have children, homes to care for and multiple tasks at work... many social obligations, too. Been there, done that.
I hate asking for help, busy as they are, but I just sometime see my life falling away in little pieces and there's not much I can do about it.
I try to express how grateful I am for any help someone can give. It's often a sacrifice for others, but I hope they never feel unappreciated!

I’ve read all the thoughtful, helpful posts, and will add this, cause I didn’t really see this scenario. Our mom had arthritis my whole life. I’m
Oldest of four daughters, the youngest, by 14 years, is full time caregiver to our folks, as she has always lived with them. Natural order of things. They took care of her, enabling her far more than the older daughters, and now she enables mom, more so than dad. Sometimes one doesn’t realize how young our parent is, when they start giving up, and the youngest two sisters began doing for mom, stuff she could and should, have been doing herself. Mom chose not to move the way one needs to, in order to maintain mobility. Period. And now she is waited on by our sister. Now, dad is plenty mobile, but hard to control, if he wants to do too much, so our sister encourages him “to relax”.

Well, since being relocated to new ranch condo, several years ago, from the huge split level, with all his stuff, yard and garage, dad seems lost, relying on the caregiver to do everything, cause she never fully moved them into the home, and she doesn’t want him messing in things. So dad does 90% less, and we know it frustrates him, but he is not asking us to help him, he just stays with his wife, sitting in their recliners, doing nothing much of anything. That was the first move our sister ever made at age 45, we all helped get them to the new place, but she is still trying to get organized, almost four years later. She wants ZERO help. No thanks. It confuses dad. It is becoming a hoarders home, and he is becoming less and less independent, and inclined to do things on his own.

Mom and dad have different reasons for allowing their daughter to do everything. I have no say, cause so far, she is pulling it off. So while I wish my younger two sisters had not encouraged mom to do nothing, and did whatever she didn’t want to do for her, I have no interest in that lifestyle. But I understand how easily it could sneak up on someone. I watched it happen to my
parents and elders before them. So I am doing my best to stay active, moving and independent, Along with my husband. Teamwork, and the healthier we are, the easier it will be. Our kids have been told not to become our servants, if we lose our minds, in our old age. Get us checked out, and placed, if necessary, and sorry time went too fast, and we did not do it ourselves. I will have less stuff to move, cause I started early!

Life is tough, good luck with your mom, give her grace, and try to help her get back her confidence, if she can indeed stay home. If not, do the tough thing, like my friend right now, and get her in a safe home. Take care.

Interesting reading here, makes me think. I am an 82 widow, living alone, children all live over an hour away, all boys. My ex DIL is the one who comes and helps me the most but she has a house, pets, sm children, full time job, and fosters new borns and volunteers too. She is the one who takes care of me as much as she can, the boys either don't come or when they do they just want to visit, have a meal and leave and that isn't very frequent. Due to the rising gas prices I realize the visits will probably drop in frequency. So I'm trying to find local help with transportation mostly for errands, medical appointments, etc. Housekeeping is a hit and miss for me and that too I need to probably find help with. Problem is finding help.

I do not understand it. My Dad wasn't this way. He fought to the bitter end to move his body. Only used a walker last few mos of his life. Passed at 92. My Mom does not exercise..walk in her neighborhood. No walker. Just doesn't have the positive outlook he had.. Sad to see, but this is her choice. We have to release ourselves of feeling our responsibility. Everyone has ability to appreciate life ..live to the fullest they can ...choose to not.

Could be cognitive decline - ask for a nuerologist and have them order a MRI . My Dad had a stroke last summer and won’t do anything not even get his mail . We have a car he never drives . He won’t walk or take out the trash . Everything has to be done for him . I am getting pretty burnt out at this point .

As for your friend, it doesn't sound like he's a quick learner.........LOL!!!! Perhaps friends can get together and build him a deck?

As for mom, it sounds like she's ready for Assisted Living; she's lived a long life and probably deserves to be assisted each day and not expected to perform duties/chores. Perhaps you can take her to visit some Assisted Living sites to see if she likes them. Life is always changing and the aging process reminds us that the "clock of life is ticking."

I read some of the posts so sure you have gotten good answers.

If Mom has not been to the doctor for a while, get her there and ask for a full physical. A cognitive test too. Her PCP can do a small one if found Dementia may be involved then see a Neurologist. Labs will show anything physical. Low potassium can slow people down causes depression. B12 effects connectivity so does Cholesterol meds. Thyroid can cause problems. I now 82 yr olds that are still active. At 82 my MIL did everything for herself. Kept up a 6 room house with 2 baths and laundry room.

Not wearing her hearing aids will cause depression. Even though my DH has been wearing them since 4, he gets depressed because even though he wears one still (deaf in damaged ear) he does not hear everything. Her life would be so much better if she heard.
Ask her why she won't wear them. First, you have to go back for adjustments. The first fitting may need to be tweaked. Does her mold fit right. Lose and you get feedback, tight and it rubs the inside of the year and leaves it sore. Lose means it probably has shrunk over time and got brittle. Too tight and it can be shaved down. Digitals work on a baseline. They are adjusted for up and down only so far. If you have lost more of your hearing since last fitted, you may need the baseline adjusted so the up and down in the volume can be louder or softer.

I should have looked at your first post because I hadn't seen your reply to me. The Mormon thing. My GF and her husband are Mormon. She has a beautiful family. Girls independent even though married. Very close knit. Even though miles away from each other seem willing to drop things to help each other. But from your post, it doesn't seem you have lived that close to Mom to be her -go to person. So I don't see where u have spoiled her. Where are ur brothers in all of this? Seems to me since you have not really been there that she would be more independent. Sounds to me that Moms house may be too much for her and she needs to downsize. Maybe time for an AL.

In my opinion, I believe your mother is normal. She has earned the right to be "waited" on. She has worked her entire life in the home and outside the home. All her life, she has had to sacrifice "fun" for boring, dissatisfying tasks. While everyone else was watching TV, she was working in the house, the garden, or on her career. As soon as she got home from work, she had to prepare the evening meal, pay bills, feed the dogs, pick up after the kids, do the laundry, make the beds, and run household errands. She was probably the last one to go to bed at night and the first one up in the morning. She took care of the children when they were sick, arranged for babysitters, went to their school programs, and handled crisis after crisis with aplomb. She was her husband's wife and caregiver which are both full-time jobs. Give your mom a break--she has been taking care of you and her family her entire adult life. She has earned the right to be "waited" on.

You would be a much much better guesser about what Mom's mental thoughts are on all this; I would ask her if I were you. Have a long long talk about it, and gently explore together her thoughts, and options.
Do tell her that you cannot pick up the slack due to your own life.
Mom may be worrying about a need for help versus spending down money she may be saving for future needs. Just a whole lot of things.
See to it you don't pick up a whole lot of slack. There will be little thanks for it; it more or less just becomes "accepted" that you are doing it because you wish to help her, and that's that.
Good luck. Every relationship, every person in every relationship is as individual as his or her own thumb print, but we CAN adapt when we need to.

I have watched both my mom and my MIL slowly slide into old age--not attractive in either case.

Neither has much energy nor desire to do anything. In fact, last week, my MIL refused to go to the funeral of her best friend of 65 years. I wasn't there, (I don't go where she might be as I trigger her temper tantrums)...this was a woman I had known fairly well and had I known my MIL would bail at the last minute, I could have gone.

DH says she doesn't even go outside anymore. She's a total recluse. SIL is wonderful and does everything for her mom. DH has taken a backseat, for the most part (he also triggers his mom) and it really is just, so sad.

My mom also has no interest in life other than gossiping about her friend, Wanda. Mother only leaves the house twice a week, one hour for Bingo on Tuesdays and 1 hour for grocery shopping on Friday. (YB drives to the store, mother sits in the car and reads and he does her weekly shop in 1/2 hr. She doesn't even go in the store.)

It's kind of hard to watch my mom just kind of give up--b/c both of MY grandma's were totally self sufficient until the day they died. Mom has pretty much checked out.

MIL plans to live to 99-1/2. I am pretty sure she's going to make it.

COVID didn't help the situations, but they were both headed toward immobility and pushing people away anyhow.

Neither would see a psych doc--in fact they both proclaim loudly that they have 'never had a depressed day in their lives'.

Every person is different. You may need to consider her experiences with older generations, especially her parents and grandparents. She may consider that she is "retired" and that includes self care tasks and home care tasks. She may identify as the great grandma (my mom does and takes her cues on behavior from her great grandparents who lived and died over 50 years ago). She may betaking cues from her culture or what others have told her. She also might have a touch of depression and would do better with care of a geriatric psychiatrist.

Loneliness?

I dunno, its hard to say without knowing a persons situation, personality, ailments, etc. Getting old can likely be very scary. So many people say "when I get old, or I if get ill with X, Y, Z then I'll do *this*, or I wont mind dying (or various other brazen remarks)" but when the reality arrives they start to think/talk somewhat differently. I definitely think loneliness can be a killer, & "requiring help" would ensure one isnt left alone. That could be way off base as far as your Mother is concerned though.

Initiative. It goes away when there is cognitive decline.

She may not be ABLE to even figure out how to accomplish tasks on her own, or with others’ help.

As her child, she may still, though, be able to know that you are a helpful person who can get things done.

It’s EXTREMELY frustrating to those around the elder. I’m sorry.

She has pain and impaired vision, correct?

These knock your confidence and make you tired and demoralized. It's just easier to hope that someone else will magically sort all your stuff out.

What's she asking you for that:
a) you believe she could actually manage herself if she put her mind to it;
b) you can't fit comfortably in to your own schedule?

What you aren't happy to do (I stress, happy) she must do herself or pay someone else to do.

I can't blame her for outsourcing her ironing! Good on her. Much better than doing it badly or secretly resenting the shirts' owners; and I wish more working women would hire cleaners.

The honest answer is that it really depends on your mom.
Is this new behavior? If so she could be depressed. She could have pain that she isn't telling you about. She could possibly have a UTI. She could have some new diagnosis that needs to be explored including dementia or even something else physical.
If it's not new, you may need to explore when the behavior really started. Without too much detail, we've dealt with this with my FIL for a long time due to a personality disorder. He has long believed that he was owed many things. He has been waited on hand and foot by a number of enablers but for most of his life he didn't have pain that went along with it so he still did for himself. As he aged, a number of comorbidities piled up and began to cause him pain and one thing he cannot tolerate in the slightest is pain of any kind (that is not meant to sound insensitive, he can't tolerate so much as a stubbed toe without a trip to the ER, he just doesn't do pain at all) So when doctors, nurses and physical therapists advised movement to alleviate pain and maintain mobility and independence he shut that down and did the opposite and insisted that he be waited on and unfortunately he was in a situation to be obliged. He was warned that this would eventually lead to him losing his mobility entirely and I believe he thought that when he was ready to get back up he just.....would? Now...well it's no longer a matter of won't.. it is a matter of can't.
So that's the long answer. I think for some people, if there are no underlying reasons why they have shut down, they honestly don't think there will be any repercussions to stopping until they can't get back up...they spend all of that time not doing anything thinking that when they decide to get back up and do they will just pop right back up where they left off and go right back to how they were. And part of it is a little bit of denial maybe. And part of it is that it isn't as easy, so it's just easier to NOT do it? But it is better if they can to keep doing anything they can as long as they can. Because once they stop, it's very difficult to get it back and takes twice as much effort.

My mother went in the other direction due to her dementia. She was always independent, but with the dementia, she would get angry if anyone tried to help her. If she could not do something, she would not let anyone else do it, and then not do it herself. She would not let caregivers clean the house, wash her clothes, throw out old food, etc. Eventually, we had to move her to a memory care facility, where she complains bitterly about her lack of independence. But she is safe and in better health now.

I'm not in my eighties but I've noticed how a multitude of little things that I used to do without thinking have become increasingly more challenging, and I'm no couch potato. I think that we often fail to take into account just how hard even simple tasks may have become for someone who is older and how exhausting just living can be, especially for those who are perhaps not terribly fit. Imagine coupling that with the feeling life has passed you by so why keep fighting, or perhaps a cultural creed that says elders are to be pampers and waited on.🤔

If this is a "new" behavior for your mom, then I would assume it's related to a change in cognitive status and not "age related decline."

My mother was the most considerate person on the planet, and then she wasn't. In turned out that she'd had a stroke that had taken out most of her executive function and planning ability. So she just kept asking us/telling us to do things. But we had jobs!

She also mis-understood EVERYTHING her doctors said to her.

So maybe this isn't manipulation
Maybe she isn't reasoning/understanding stuff.

I suspect one's existing personality, upbringing, and the examples we've seen over our lifetimes all play a role in how we react to temporary or ongoing infirmity and loss of abilities. Some people as they age are willing to reach out and pay for things they can't do for themselves, but still have a sense of control and autonomy so they don't feel "beholden" to others for voluntary services. Others may take help for granted and do seem to lose the ability to see that they are in fact putting out, "inconveniencing," those who are helping them. I had two long-lived grandmothers who were very independent, and my parents were likewise. Like Alva, I'm determined not to be reliant/dependent on our children and we've planned accordingly. We do have several kids who live nearby and who do nice things for us, e.g., bring over meals or goodies, but we want them to live their own lives and not be tied down by us.

I think age brings an acknowledgment of loss of skills, some of which are too challenging to overcome, or are activities in which people have lost confidence in their ability to handle.

I think you'd need to consult a medical person, perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist focusing on aging, to address a declining or loss of self sufficiency. 

There's also the blunt and perhaps frightening recognition that age has or is compromising us and we do need to seek help.  Or someone could just be tired and worn out from the challenge of aging.  

As to "hating to inconvenience people", I think that could be more than just inconvenience, but rather, arises from a survival concept.

You say "why do we........" but the fact is we are not all like your Mom. I am 80. Neither of my children live anywhere near the state I live in. I determined to make myself independent of my children and I in fact do all I can to minimize any worry they may have, and to reassure them.
This is what my parents did for me as well.
We are all individuals and we are as unique as our own fingerprints.
Good luck out to you.