Though very kind and generous in many ways before his dementia became severe, he now insists that his retirement money that is directly deposited in Our joint account is just his to use as he pleases. We are in dire credit card debt due to his inability, it's to keep from buying things like a truck, two large screen tv's, a move and buying a new house in another state, which had a payment far higher than we could afford, all the while we continued to lose money in the stock market. He would simply not listen to me. He had been doing work as a handy man and had earned enough for the down payment and I had hoped that I would be able to cut back on my hours at work, but though he'd been retired for several years, I continued to have to work full time in order to pay the bills. We eventually had to short sell the house, returned to CA and then tried to dig out from under.
He would max out one credit card, then get a new one at a lower interest rate to pay that one off and proceed to do the same thing all over again. We finally came to an understanding, but it was pretty much too late to save our savings. So now I am trying to pay off credit card debt with a very good counseling service. But it requires a large payment every month, though the cards are on much lower interest rates. So far I have paid off three cards. But the point is that he is constantly finding things that he wants to spend "his" money on, talks about moving in with his son or daughter and taking his money with him so that he can get his license back and buy a car. He hounds me constantly about seeing the bank statements, peruses them for hours, asking the same questions over and over, like "what's "Rx?". This is his prescriptions. Or "who drinks this?" -milk I bought at the pharmacy. "What does solar mean?" I try to make notations on things without descriptions. Needless to say, with his dementia, he does not understand or remember what I explain-but he won't let it go.
We recently sold our home in order to be able to have enough money as we live in an HOA community. I invoked the POA after discussing our situation with his kids and they agreed that this was the right thing to do -to simplify our lives. So the sale was handled solely by me and I am managing the funds received by putting them in a credit union savings. It was not much as our home is very tiny and we had only three years of equity. The house turned out to be a huge money pit, thereby taking every extra cent we could save, and I am glad to be rid of it. And now he of course thinks I just steal his money. OMG! So sorry about all of that! I guess I just needed to vent. But is has been a struggle to keep our heads above water.
I would not recommend turning over your finances though. Money makes the worst come out in a lot of people, not saying anything against anyone, just don't agree it should leave your capable hands.
Have you asked his son to talk to him and let him know that he better be nice to you because his house is not an option?
Also, are you legally married? If yes, he can not just walk away from the debt. If no, was both your names on everything? He can not just dump it all on you, regardless of what he thinks.
I am so sorry you are having to battle his broken brain and unreasonable spending habits.
You are doing great, keep it up and come here to vent when you need to, cuz we all understand your frustration and the need to blow steam and how utterly useless it is to reason with dementia.
Hugs 2 u!
Dad became very hostile toward Mom: if she wasn't so dumb she would be able to understand his "investments", didn't want the heat or AC running in the house when he wasn't there, wanted every light turned off, didn't want to run the oil furnace even when it was below zero, didn't want Mom eating "his" groceries, didn't want to pay monthly bills, etc. I was a terrible daughter who betrayed him by giving Mom money to pay back taxes and when his grandsons started college set up bank accounts and deposited money for their living expenses (instead of "investing" my money with him where it would do some good).
Dad's brain wasn't working well and he would have most likely done a lot of this stuff anyway, but my family situation wasn't helped by my oldest brother "agreeing" with Dad and actively working to isolate Dad. According to my oldest brother _everyone_ in the family besides him were against Dad (we were against his irresponsible spending) and betraying Dad by supporting Mom in her crazy ideas. My brother didn't have any job except helping Dad run his "investments" and resisted my mother wanting an accounting of Dad's money when he started telling her he couldn't afford to pay the electric bill.
Based on my experience with my father, I doubt your husband will ever drop this topic or that you will ever be able to satisfy him that you are managing your resources better than he can now. You could try telling him the doctors don't think he should be managing finances anymore but he may just decide the doctors are dumb. If you can get to a point where you view this behavior as not really coming from your husband and instead a sad manifestation of his disease, you may be better able to listen to his crap with less stress.
This doesn't change anything but maybe trying to look at it from his brain, at least as much as one can follow a diseased brain and then come up with inventive ways to let him live in that world. Maybe that means giving him control over a bank account with a card attached so he feels in control of "his" money. Set up an automatic transfer into it each month and tell him that's his SS/Pension after they take out medical and whatever else you can come up with that could make sense. Have the real one electronically deposit to your real main account so it's only a small portion really that is going into the account he is in control of. It would take some work and dip further into the possible "deceptive" category but you or one of his kids could even create official looking statements that are either available on-line or mailed to the house for him to open. You could create bills as well that he can then pay from his account and feel like he is taking back over the household responsibilities. You could get as extreme or not as you want but the object here would be to give him back a sense of control, the power he used to have even if that's the way he looks at it. I know my mom digs in and starts hiding things, demanding more control when she starts feeling like she isn't understanding or manage something important. Instead of looking for help when she knows she needs it she goes the other way, not in areas that don't matter either, things like her medication. I'm picturing your husband doing a bit of the same thing, they aren't conscious of it really and yes I know it's the disease and you can't control the disease but often you can manipulate it a bit. Instead of telling him what he can't do anymore and what he did wrong your focusing on things he can do or you need him to do that aren't giving up control. Perhaps helping him get that control he is loosing and missing in some way will help him let that go a bit and you can both enjoy life again.
One important suggestion, I think, loop his kids in. If you can enlist their help somehow even better but maybe share the basic finances each month with them somehow, even if it's just sending them a list of the expenditures. Since your husband can't be fully included anymore for his own good offering some transparency to them helps everyone & might protect you too by making them back up should he catch on. Take blame focus off you as much as possible, like driving make sure he knows the doctor made that decision or legalities once he was diagnosed. Keep venting!
You would not let a child manage their own funds (much less yours). You cannot give him access as he is not responsible.
Tell him the transfers (going to your account) are creditors getting payment for overdue accounts. That as soon as they are paid off - money will stay in his account. (Not)
He has Alzheimer’s but he still goes out and spends money? Oh, dear. That’s not good. You may want to speak with the kids again to see how they think you could get him to stop. Maybe hand the finances over to one of them. Get it out of the house, more or less.
I don’t sleep at night worrying about money. Hubby lays in bed, immobile from not applying himself during many courses of physical therapy and rehab stints, and binges on 50 year old reruns.
I know how you feel. I’m there with you.
See All Answers