What is the best way to answer when Alzheimer’s mom asks where her kids are when her son is sitting in the same room?

My dad lives with me and my mom lives with my sister. He asks every day where his wife is and so far he is ok when I say she is with my sister. He doesn’t know that I am his daughter but he knows that he is ok with me. He also talks about his “mommy” and his brothers who are all gone. I have no real answers I just address every question as it comes and sometimes he’s agreeable, sometimes not so much. I can distract though with a magazine, cookies, talking about what used to be a favorite pastime like hunting or fishing or his job as a welder.

No, this isn't strange. She is 'reacting' out of her changing brain, lost and losing brain cells. She is responding / doing 'exactly' as a person with Alzheimer's might (it may be different to degrees with everyone, depending on how the brain is processing information).

In her mind's eye, she sees her son as - perhaps 8 years old. She doesn't 'know' the 60 year person sitting next to her 'now.' Her ' present time,' is NOT the same as our / your 'present time.' She is not present - she believes she is seeing or believing reality of 50+ years ago.

It will help you immensely to understand what happens to the brain when a person is inflicted with dementia. Google Teepa Snow. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia, explaining both how to interact with a person inflicted as well as grounded education on what is happening to a person and their brain. I encourage you to watch her You Tubes, take her webinars, buy her books.

When you educate yourself on what the changing brain is 'doing,' many of your questions will be answered; in addition, you will learn / know how to respond 'better' to your mom.

Do understand that she is doing what her brain is 'telling' her - you cannot talk or interact with her AS IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA - her brain cells are dying. Her brain has changed. Once you study a bit, you will understand that you need to 'see' life through her brain, not yours.

This isn't an easy adjustment or education. Most people are 'tossed' into a situation of a loved one with dementia without ANY understanding (or education, training) of what is happening. It is GOOD that you came here asking.

My heart goes out to you. I can imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you, the family.

Gena / Touch Matters

We need to remember that our ALZ loved ones live in the past. They only have long term memories no short term with that you could tell her they are at school, baseball practice, friends house. If she wants to help mom or dad on the farm - tell her mom and dad have gone to the store and to help mom and dad we need to wash these clothes, fold the clothes or go out and sweep the walkway or rake the leaves.

It is not lying. It is called “entering into HER reality”. Agree with their feelings, acknowledge how they feel, “ I know you miss Dad but it will be nice to see if catches any fish”, or “the kids love working on the farm. You taught them well”.

Q: How long do residents stay in assisted living?
A: They stay in assisted living as long as the family decides or until they pass usually. They are in that setting generally because either family is unable to care for them any longer or they do not have any family and they can no longer care for themselves at that point.

Q: Is it ok to put signs up in the house to remind mom she's home?
A: Yes it is okay to put signs up around the home for reminders to the mother. Pictures are always good no matter what. Personal belongings within a vicinity of a room or home to make a resident/patient feel as if they were still at home is a necessary thing because its comfort for the person with Alzheimer's even if they have issues remembering.

MamawT: Perhaps the son could answer the question in a loving way by saying, i.e. "Hi, mom. Do you want to have a dish of ice cream with me?"

Her son could share a favorite memory with her, only something they would know. It might jog her memory. Showing her family photos might calm her. If not, distraction might help. Don't argue the point with her. It will only frustrate her. I use reassurance and distraction with my mother. Little white lies are sometimes necessary to diffuse a situation.

They gave my grandmother a realistic looking baby doll to hold. All during her life she loved babies and children. It seemed to comfort her to hold that baby. Maybe having something like that could make her feel she was caring for her children. Just a thought.

I agree with many of the comments. Don't try to "correct" the loved one.

I will also say we all live with limited and different perceptions - that is, in a land of illusion. So when I engaged with my mom during rare periods of "atypical-orientation," or engage with my friend with AD who I visit regularly, I strive to keep in mind their perceptions may be completely valid - like living in another dimension.

My math PhD nephew says there are at least 14 dimensions.

From my own metaphysical & physics perspective, EVERYTHING is just a changing pattern of vibration.

So, yes my mother, at times, and my friend with AD perceived/perceive things differently. I can no more live in their world than they in mine. But as I have the capacity to recognize the situation, I strive to blend the worlds. I am in no way perfect in this regard, but I do my best and it seems to have worked (and works) out pretty well.

Have fun with this: https://nautil.us/12-mind_bending-perceptual-illusions-237228/

That’s pretty much just how dementia goes.

Really the best you can do is the therapeutic fibbing. Even if they are right there…play into their childhood…say they won be back from school yet, band practice, football, ballet whatever.

Sadly she will repeat questions even though you’ve answered, that’s because she forgot she just asked! Either fib or distract with something she likes…a treat, music, Tv, take out outside if possible to listen to the birds for a bit…whatever she likes. You can always ignore her…but I know that’s hard to do.

My brother died in 2019 and that pretty much kicked off my mother's descent into dementia. Four months afterward she was diagnosed.

When she asks where my brother is, I always tell her "he's gone home", and that satisfies her.

When she asks about her parents, I usually tell her "I haven't spoken with them today". Same thing with her deceased siblings.

My dad is always "at work".

There is no need to tell her that they're all dead because it breaks her heart in the moment.

Telling her that everyone is just fine and all is well and it's a beautiful day goes a long way in avoiding anxiety and upsetting her.

To try and break the spell, try to respond and deflect with a question on the same thread that makes her to reach back in her memory. For example:
I have not seen him for a while. When did you last speak to him?
What are you planning for dinner?
What needs to be done on the farm today?
Do you remember the vacation we took to____with aunt or uncle?

It may take the burden off of the cycling question to focus on an event with that person.

My mom does the same. Just part of this terrible disease.

I think you just have to be willing to go to that other world with her. It can be exhausting to answer the same questions over and over. My mom's repetitive question every single time that I took her for rides to the mountains was You are such a good driver. Who taught you to drive? My answer was always You did, Mother, because you were the only one brave enough. Five minutes later she'd ask it again and then again and again. Once I asked her what would make me a bad driver in her mind. Speeding, she said. Sometimes she'd look at me curiously and ask if I had once been young. She was thinking of me as a younger person and confused why I looked so old. She didn't recognize anyone but me. She did however remember that she had grandchildren, but didn't know them when they visited. I told them just to remind her who they were and that worked. When a best friend visited Mom was very polite and conversational, but when the friend stood up to leave Mom said she was very glad to meet her friend. Oh, the look on her friend's face when she realized my mom had been talking to her for an hour and had no idea who she was. An hour later it dawned on Mom who the friend was and called her to say she remembered her. It seems all was still stored in her brain somewhere, but just hard to get to most of the time. I don't think reminding who a person is hurts as long as the information is given in good cheer. It might be different though when the person is not actually present. When my Mom had eventually forgotten that my dad had died and asked where he was, I'd usually say he was fishing with his friend Joe and that satisfied her. I thought telling her he died would be too upsetting and she wouldn't remember anyway. My brother died when she was deep into her Alzheimer's, but I didn't tell her. She'd ask what he was up to and I'd say Oh who knows and tell her some silly story about him.

I just wouldn't say anything - My Dad thought I was his sister , another time he called me by my Mothers name for a few days and then he realized it was me . Another time he had a perplexed look on his face " Karen did Billy Die ? " " Yes Dad Billy died . " ( My Brother ) We Both took care of My brother the Last year of His life he Lived with us . I wouldn't worry about it too Much .

Are there Grand Kids?? Don't place have memory care?? That's what you or the govt are paying for???

Two things:

1. When she doesn't recognize her son, maybe have him walk out of the room, then walk in again wearing something else. I found out that doing something like this may occasionally trick them into recognizing you by accident. I had noticed that sometimes, if I happened to change out of my house clothes to go out, when I'd walk back into the room, it jogged something. I'm not saying this will work 100% or even 1% of the time but it's worth a try.

2. Humor her, like you've been doing (tell her that her kids are busy somewhere.) It's all you can do sometimes. My mother will frequently look at me straight in the eye and say, "rcnyc2364, where is rcnyc2364?" When I say I am her, she will firmly say, "No, you are not her. I am looking for my daughter." Or she'll ignore me and say, "Oh, you have the same name as my daughter." Unfortunately, that's how dementia is. There's no getting around it.

There's not much to do but keep repeating answers to her questions. She won't retain the answers and will ask, and you'll answer, and she'll ask, and that goes on and on. Tell yourself every day that's this is just the way it is, and as my friend told me while taking care of her mother and her MIL, "recommit every day to doing it with goodwill."

I tell fibs (not lies IMO) as they are more comforting to my Mom than the truth. The first time she asked me where her father was and I answered truthfully, that he passed away, was the last time I answered truthfully since she got so upset. So I guess I’ve become a liar and I’m ok with that. The truth was painful for my Mom. Her Dad is now fishing every time she asks which is daily and that answer makes her happy.

Simply answer with the truth, gently. If she asks where her son is and he is sitting right there simply say "I am right here, Mom, I am your son". You can add whatever you like. You can show her old photos of yourself and her.
What you CANNOT do is change how she sees her world. Dementia cannot be reasoned with.
I personally don't believe in lies. They are no more believable to those with dementia than the truth. Help her put together simple puzzles. Watch Hallmark Channel. Whatever you can to divert her attention a bit. But don't expect her to "make sense" or to be able to comprehend real life.

As the late great Oliver Sacks observed "They have a very real world. It just isn't OUR world."

"The kids are at a friends house." then redirect "It is time for dinner."

"The kids are reading a book." then redirect "Do you want to walk the dog now or later?

"The kids are out playing." then redirect "Do you want chicken or meat for dinner?

"It is raining today at the farm so we can't go help." redirect "What do you want for breakfast?

"You must really like helping on the farm. What to you like doing on the farm? Then stop and listen.

"You must be a big help to your Mom and Dad on the farm." redirect Do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast?

On the redirection statement it helps if you ask a question.

My granny did this. It was so sad that she couldn't identify her adult children that she knew she had. (I don't think it was curiosity that caused her to not recognize them and ask about them, more like brain cells gone from disease. So tough.)

We would just makes sounds of hearing her, we would say, you know those kids, always busy and anything that would put her mind to rest for the moment, then redirect. Nothing stopped it but time.

She benefited greatly from having a life sized baby doll. She had something tangible to put her attention on and to nurture. Maybe your mom would find comfort in something like that.