Condensed: mom fell twice, once before memorial day and the day after. She ended up in the hospital: was there 3 days and transferred to a rehab nursing facility where they make her walk. She was walking at home but as little as possible.
I am unsure what she is capable of, and what she isn't. There will be a final meeting at the home, the final assessment whether she needs supervision or assistance.
Now, there are things the nursing home will do and take care but she acts stupid. (she has acted stupid on occasion her entire life as passive-aggressive manipulation). The remote needs batteries, doesn't ask any of the aides, but will I get it. I mentioned it to the floor nurse on my way out. Wants me to get things that the home will provide is the heading on that...
She eats in her room, she has on occasion gone to the main dining room with everyone else but is now back to eating in her room. Asked her why...'No one takes me.' All I can think is, 'why don't you open your big, fat, pie-hole (those terms), nothing keeps her from opening her yap to me. I can't stand this poor me crap. She will probably be sent home in about 3 weeks and I really am not looking forward to it. I don't mind assisting her but for cripes sake, do some things for yourself. She doesn't like being treated as if she's stupid but when she acts stupid... gaaah. I don't know what is age and what is deliberate. She whines about hurting. I ask her if she wants to pursue more pain management. 'well, it hasn't been as bad for a while..' So, leave me alone.
I really wish she'd stay in the home. We both really are better off even if she isn't completely happy.
The one thing that has not been addressed, because it wasn't found at the hospital. Her odd behavior the time of the second fall. She was in bed when I got home (around 7 pm) she usually watches jeopardy, but was in bed. When I tried to get her up to watch it all I got was this whiny response, 'i can't see it (she has great difficulty, her sight is very very bad), and just tired acting. Later I asked her about it and she seems to think she was out of her head. This 'thing' whatever it is lead to her first big fall 4 years ago (ended up in the same scenario), I don't know if it is another mini stroke, meds, or even if it is interactions with the booze she drinks. She has a jigger or two of brandy in the morning. Couple of small glasses of wine noon to mid day (not much more than a cup of wine) and a jigger or two more of brandy in the evening. I know her meds will interact with alcohol, I just don't think it produced this whacko behavior. I just think, sooner or later, no matter what the assitance, she's gonna fall again. Next time she may really smash her head.
wish she'd stay at the home, but that is up to the personnel there
I'm not one to easily suggest the alternative of care in some type of facility, but I think in this case it might be a good consideration. There's intense feeling against caring for her on your part, so why not consider something that doesn't stress you out?
Also, if I understand what you're saying, she's drinking about 12 ounces of alcohol a day (8 oz of wine and 4 oz of brandy), which is a LOT (in my opinion) for a senior. Is she on medications? I would double check if alcohol and her meds mix OK. Most don't. That alone could acount for her falls.
So work on finding her another place to say so that she doesn't drive you up the wall.
I'll survive. I have always survived. "
Well, it seems you've already made your decision and aren't going to explore the idea of her living elsewhere. I wish both of you luck.
I'm pulling portions of your original post so you can read them and contemplate the image you present of your attitude toward your mother:
"All I can think is, 'why don't you open your big, fat, pie-hole (those terms), nothing keeps her from opening her yap to me. I can't stand this poor me crap. She will probably be sent home in about 3 weeks and I really am not looking forward to it. I don't mind assisting her but for cripes sake, do some things for yourself. She doesn't like being treated as if she's stupid but when she acts stupid... gaaah."
"So, leave me alone.
I really wish she'd stay in the home. We both really are better off even if she isn't completely happy. "
"I know her meds will interact with alcohol, I just don't think it produced this whacko behavior. I just think, sooner or later, no matter what the assitance, she's gonna fall again. Next time she may really smash her head.
wish she'd stay at the home, but that is up to the personnel there "
Frankly, not only do I think that your attitude toward her is such that you SHOULD NOT be allowed to care for her, but that your knowledge of the medicine/alcohol interaction constitutes a threat to her health.
You should not be taking care of her, not only because of your attitude toward her but because it's not safe for her.
twocents, I do know what you're talking about when it comes to parents wanting to be waited on. I think a lot of it has to do with it being harder for them to walk than it is us. And my mother dreads interacting with people, especially now with dementia. She leaves almost any interacting up to me unless I exit the premise and force her to do it. I think a lot of elder parents do this. Yes, it is frustrating.
If my mother wants to do something I know she can do, I tell her it would be better for her to do it -- the use it or lose it argument. If I started doing everything for her, then she would quickly not be able to do it. She is not happy when I tell her no, but her anger passes quickly about these things. As her dementia progresses, I am doing more of the human interactions for her. She gets baffled easily, so it is easier for me to do them. I wonder if your mother is shy of asking other people for things, but doesn't mind asking family.
Your mother actually sounds rather normal to me. Some elder people get to where they want to sit and be waited on. We have to do what we can to keep them doing things that they can. Other things are easier if we just do it ourselves. It can get frustrating, but that's why we talk about helmets and finger pistols on the group.
Hope the next few weeks goes well. I do think we need to overhaul our thinking almost daily to keep our spirits up. And I'm glad that we have a place like AC where we can talk about our frustrations.
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