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Condensed: mom fell twice, once before memorial day and the day after. She ended up in the hospital: was there 3 days and transferred to a rehab nursing facility where they make her walk. She was walking at home but as little as possible.
I am unsure what she is capable of, and what she isn't. There will be a final meeting at the home, the final assessment whether she needs supervision or assistance.
Now, there are things the nursing home will do and take care but she acts stupid. (she has acted stupid on occasion her entire life as passive-aggressive manipulation). The remote needs batteries, doesn't ask any of the aides, but will I get it. I mentioned it to the floor nurse on my way out. Wants me to get things that the home will provide is the heading on that...
She eats in her room, she has on occasion gone to the main dining room with everyone else but is now back to eating in her room. Asked her why...'No one takes me.' All I can think is, 'why don't you open your big, fat, pie-hole (those terms), nothing keeps her from opening her yap to me. I can't stand this poor me crap. She will probably be sent home in about 3 weeks and I really am not looking forward to it. I don't mind assisting her but for cripes sake, do some things for yourself. She doesn't like being treated as if she's stupid but when she acts stupid... gaaah. I don't know what is age and what is deliberate. She whines about hurting. I ask her if she wants to pursue more pain management. 'well, it hasn't been as bad for a while..' So, leave me alone.
I really wish she'd stay in the home. We both really are better off even if she isn't completely happy.
The one thing that has not been addressed, because it wasn't found at the hospital. Her odd behavior the time of the second fall. She was in bed when I got home (around 7 pm) she usually watches jeopardy, but was in bed. When I tried to get her up to watch it all I got was this whiny response, 'i can't see it (she has great difficulty, her sight is very very bad), and just tired acting. Later I asked her about it and she seems to think she was out of her head. This 'thing' whatever it is lead to her first big fall 4 years ago (ended up in the same scenario), I don't know if it is another mini stroke, meds, or even if it is interactions with the booze she drinks. She has a jigger or two of brandy in the morning. Couple of small glasses of wine noon to mid day (not much more than a cup of wine) and a jigger or two more of brandy in the evening. I know her meds will interact with alcohol, I just don't think it produced this whacko behavior. I just think, sooner or later, no matter what the assitance, she's gonna fall again. Next time she may really smash her head.
wish she'd stay at the home, but that is up to the personnel there

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Your mother probably hasn't had a sip of alcohol since going into hospital...unless you are smuggling it in, Twocents, which would be a big no-no! So let's assume that she moves into a nursing home. She will no longer be at risk of having alcohol interact with her medications. If she returns home to you, are you going to provide her with alcohol because I get the impression from your posts that she can't go to the liquor store herself. So if you did procure it for her then I would agree with Garden Artist that you would be harming her.
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ChurchMouse, I think you're right, but I had hoped the suggestions made would help counter that frustration. I do understand it's hard to be open to suggestions, and it's hard to change ingrained behavior.
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GA, I got the feeling that twocents was writing out of total frustration, and this is a good place to vent that frustration. Lord knows how many times I've thought similar things. We have to shove the thoughts aside and keep doing what we think best.

twocents, I do know what you're talking about when it comes to parents wanting to be waited on. I think a lot of it has to do with it being harder for them to walk than it is us. And my mother dreads interacting with people, especially now with dementia. She leaves almost any interacting up to me unless I exit the premise and force her to do it. I think a lot of elder parents do this. Yes, it is frustrating.

If my mother wants to do something I know she can do, I tell her it would be better for her to do it -- the use it or lose it argument. If I started doing everything for her, then she would quickly not be able to do it. She is not happy when I tell her no, but her anger passes quickly about these things. As her dementia progresses, I am doing more of the human interactions for her. She gets baffled easily, so it is easier for me to do them. I wonder if your mother is shy of asking other people for things, but doesn't mind asking family.

Your mother actually sounds rather normal to me. Some elder people get to where they want to sit and be waited on. We have to do what we can to keep them doing things that they can. Other things are easier if we just do it ourselves. It can get frustrating, but that's why we talk about helmets and finger pistols on the group.

Hope the next few weeks goes well. I do think we need to overhaul our thinking almost daily to keep our spirits up. And I'm glad that we have a place like AC where we can talk about our frustrations.
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NY DIL makes some good, succinct observations.

I'm pulling portions of your original post so you can read them and contemplate the image you present of your attitude toward your mother:

"All I can think is, 'why don't you open your big, fat, pie-hole (those terms), nothing keeps her from opening her yap to me. I can't stand this poor me crap. She will probably be sent home in about 3 weeks and I really am not looking forward to it. I don't mind assisting her but for cripes sake, do some things for yourself. She doesn't like being treated as if she's stupid but when she acts stupid... gaaah."

"So, leave me alone.
I really wish she'd stay in the home. We both really are better off even if she isn't completely happy. "

"I know her meds will interact with alcohol, I just don't think it produced this whacko behavior. I just think, sooner or later, no matter what the assitance, she's gonna fall again. Next time she may really smash her head.
wish she'd stay at the home, but that is up to the personnel there "


Frankly, not only do I think that your attitude toward her is such that you SHOULD NOT be allowed to care for her, but that your knowledge of the medicine/alcohol interaction constitutes a threat to her health.

You should not be taking care of her, not only because of your attitude toward her but because it's not safe for her.
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"What is really needed" is a change in your attitude - to accept her for who she is - or a change in her place of residence. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. And it sounds like you are enabling an alcoholic.
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I use to love wine - it was a hobby- learning about it, going to vineyards, food pairings - even had a wine cellar put in my home. But then I messed up my back - pain killers and alcohol do not mix! So bye-bye wine cellar! Many medications and alcohol do not mix. But you know this and given what you've described it's probably the lesser of evils for your mother up until now. If mom returns home to you it's probably a battle you'll not win. So my advice - listen to what the care plan team recommend and act accordingly. I know my brother and I didn't and it was one of the biggest mistakes I've made during this hellish journey.
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"I woulld rather she stay at the home, technically she has no income other than ss and a pension so medicaid might pick it up. Other than that, if they deem her ready to come home, she'll be home. Until the next fall.
I'll survive. I have always survived. "

Well, it seems you've already made your decision and aren't going to explore the idea of her living elsewhere. I wish both of you luck.
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I will have to wait until the final meeting to really determine where she goes. The major difficulty with mom is the pickiness. She hardly eats anything, wants a diner, and a hell of a lot of food gets tossed. Frozen dinners may well be an answer, but, like the home, just put it in front of her and 'take it or leave it..?'
As for the booze, on the one hand it probably helps her cope. On the other hand, the meds she is on, some of them do interact with alcohol. To what extent, I have no idea. I am going to have to ask the questions, despite the fact that mom will probably have a hissy. She may not get drunk but I think she has a lot of the attitudes and behaviors of alcoholics. My main concern would be to avoid any legal problems from her drinking. My method of dealing with mom when she is out of hand is simply to walk out of the room. This stops the situation and she does not seem to remember the incident. Which I suppose gets into another area: at one point do we have to 'take away the booze' or just let them self medicate (she says it helps some of the pain). If she ccomplains about pain, I ask her does she want to pursue pain managment, whereupon she back pedals and says 'oh, it hasn't hurt for a while'. I woulld rather she stay at the home, technically she has no income other than ss and a pension so medicaid might pick it up. Other than that, if they deem her ready to come home, she'll be home. Until the next fall.
I'll survive. I have always survived.
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I agree with GardenArtist - it sounds like you're totally burned out on caring for your mom. Believe me, I understand. Try to find a place for her that is not with you.

Also, if I understand what you're saying, she's drinking about 12 ounces of alcohol a day (8 oz of wine and 4 oz of brandy), which is a LOT (in my opinion) for a senior. Is she on medications? I would double check if alcohol and her meds mix OK. Most don't. That alone could acount for her falls.

So work on finding her another place to say so that she doesn't drive you up the wall.
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You say she's had at least one mini stroke. I'd consider that she has some damage in the brain that may be causing her to have certain behaviors. Perhaps her doctor could shed light on that. ( The drinking may be adding to that.) Since that condition can cause odd and unwelcome behavior, I think I might arrange for others to provide her care. If you are in your home, you don't have to allow her there and if it's her home, you could live elsewhere and let her make other arrangements, as long as she is competent.
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It may be up to "them" if she stays in that home but not necessarily if she can stay in a nursing home or even assisted living. If the rehab where she's at want to send her home to you - explain that you can no longer care for her. They will probably try to bully you and make it seem there is no other option but that just is not the case. Stand firm and the social worker there will help you find an alternative. Be prepared that you may have to pay out of pocket if your mom continues to stay there while other living arrangements are being sought.
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With vision issues and drinking, she is more prone to falling. But I think the biggest issue is your attitude toward her. I'm not judging on whether it's justified, but it does reflect that you aren't going to be happy about caring for her if she comes home.

I'm not one to easily suggest the alternative of care in some type of facility, but I think in this case it might be a good consideration. There's intense feeling against caring for her on your part, so why not consider something that doesn't stress you out?
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