What is a realistic way out of being a sole caregiver?

"I see a lot of encouragement, do’s and don’ts, but what I haven’t read is a way for the caregiver to really Get Completely Out !!!!"

Really? I read posters who patiently detail the steps for overburdened enslaved caregivers to get out of their situations.

Unfortunately, most people who come here for help can't/won't do what is necessary to change their lives. Once in a while, a poster WILL make the necessary changes, and we cheer them on as they take the necessary steps to change their lives for the better.

A "realistic way out" will depend on you having a "realistic" expectation for what a solution looks like. Once you tell her you're not going to do her caregiving anymore she WILL be angry/upset/emotional/manipulative/etc. All of which you will ignore.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness -- especially since you stated "she's coherent" (I guess meaning she doesn't have dementia...?)

If I were in your shoes I'd resign by telling her you do not want to do the caregiving anymore. This is different than saying you "can't" do the caregiving because that implies you can change your mind if there was some sort of token change. No to that. Assure her that before your last day you will help her get other help in place. If she refuses that you can allow it to go how she chooses, but then don't rescue her. Leave her the names and numbers of people she can call for help OTHER than you. You still love her but see that your presence is just keeping both of you from living best lives (yada yada however you want to express this). Then leave by the deadline and move on with your life, knowing she'll be calling you often to manipulate you back into the enslavement. Solution: let her calls go into voicemail and then decide when you call her back and what you'll discuss. You can do it -- it won't feel good (at first) but then it will. I wish you all the best moving forward!

Hello,
I have never answered anyone on here (that I remember) but this time I need to. I have a very demanding Spanish mother who has been the Ruler of this house and our family for YEARS. Very demanding, uses words to hurt, doesn't care if she makes you cry. She can be Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Almost makes YOU feel crazy. I had to leave my beloved job one week early (5th grade math co-teacher and will never see most of them again) because my mom was released from her rehab nursing home. I did not lose my job but this tore my heart out. My #1 priority is my family so this was what I needed to do. My dad and mom are 82 but my dad had a stroke on October 31, 2021 and mom had hers on Easter 2022. Dad is not completely balanced on his right side. My mom is completely bed/wheelchair bound. The first month here I cried more than I have in YEARS. My situation is not as horrible as yours but here is my advice. I had to tell my mom that I run from being treated bad, I will NOT STAND FOR IT. When she is nasty I tell her that I will be upstairs and will come back when she "feels better". I leave and don't come back for 30 minutes to an hour. She is taken care of changed, fed, and is safe. She has treated me this way my entire life and I have always said, "Oh that was just the way it was back then". Well now that I am 58 I will not take it anymore. I love my mom but have said for years that if she was not my mom I would have cut our relationship many years ago. I have learned that it is best for me to walk away or tell my dad that I am taking my BELOVED dog to the park. If you let "guilt" take over you will be a prisoner in your mom's castle forever. You need to contact a social worker. I have never had therapy but since this change in my life I do now. I "pay" her to be my BEST FRIEND and listen to me complain and tell her how I deal with my life now. You need to have BOUNDARIES. When you walk away and go to the store or park it will feel like you are free from what has bound you for years. You need to care about yourself now. I am the only child that can take care of my mom but I told my dad .... if I go insane what do you have now? I also got visiting angels which my dad did not want to do until I went home (2 hours away ... all my plants are dead.....) for 3 days to get dental work and he realized that taking care of her is hard physically, emotionally and EVERYTHINGLY. (made up that word!)
If you value your life don't be a martyr. You have the power to change YOUR life. Get a weekend pass and get away. Give your mom the phone and water and protein bars and let her know you will be gone. I would actually start by leaving for an 1 or 2 hours....one day and more the next until she knows that you mean what you say. What would she do if you got sick and could not care for her? PLEASE don't be a slave to your mind and thoughts. I was trained to feel guilty about everything. My mom wanted to be a Catholic Nun so... imagine my youth. Catholic guilt like no other. STAND UP FOR YOU. You have the key to get out of your cell....to leave the shackles that bind you. Otherwise you might as well nail all the doors and windows shut. I wish I could convince you to act for your well being but only you can do that. Try to read books about co-dependence. I learned so much about why I acted the way I did. My trained guilt. Good luck. Care about yourself. Btw... you don't have to leave the house to get help. My counselor/therapist is by phone and zoom. The books on codependency can be read on your phone. Good luck. I hope I have helped. I do not mean to be harsh but this is the truth that I live until my job starts AUGUST 31st. Since June 12th I have only been home for 3 days. Before this I could not be around my mom for a weekend. It has been hard. but I have learned.

Nancy in Seabeck Wa.

This is your "no win situation" and your mom is playing you like a fiddle.

Talk to the sitters that you current hire to sit with her. Tell them that you are going to be gone 2 hours. Tell your mother that you will be gone one hour. Tell the sitters that when your mom starts wondering where you are that they are to speak to her in a calm voice and say things like.

"maybe the appointment went long" " Traffic can be bad this time of day" "I'm sure if something went wrong they would have sent me a txt/called".

when you get home tell her.

"mother the Dr's office was packed and I did not get into see them till ____. Nothing went wrong, you are fine and you weren't alone".

Your mother might be phobic about being alone, They only way to get over this is to expose her to times where you aren't there and assure her nothing went wrong and she got through being alone.

Oh my gosh! Your mother is only 57 years old????? And you are on an aging care site? Your mom is not old, she is just helpless.

She needs to get a job, get some medication for her anxiety and depression, and start exercising to help her Arthritis.

You need to help her to do those things in order for YOU to get out.

BTW, I am 57, and am far from old.

Show her this: https://oldladygains.com/blogs/women-you-should-meet/meet-ginny-maccoll

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” 
Albert Einstein.
Be the first to change your behaviour to get a different outcome. No easy task by any means but it's the only way for a change to occur. Good luck!

According to your profile your Mom is 58 and has no major health issues...

Get up, walk out the door, and dont come back.

In all honesty, there is no way to change the situation … unless one of you changes. It doesn’t sound like she will change a thing unless forced to do so. You are the only one that can force the issue. My mom was somewhat like yours, very demanding, but at least I had my husband to help me. So your only option, as I see it, is to try to have a reasonable conversation with her. It will go something like “Mom Do you know how much I love you? But after three years, even though I love you just as much, I’m getting burned out in my life with very very little time to myself. I need some space and time to enjoy my life too. We need to put our heads together and figure out a way for me to have more free time. Do you have any suggestions?”

You can do what my sister and I did and be the adults. You tell her you make the rules and will live accordingly. If she doesn't like it then it's time to get out of bed. I would give her some cannabis gummies too. They are 10 mg each and may just relieve enough anxiety to get her to move again. If she's truly functional you should make your own exit plan. Save yourself.

You are NOT trapped. You have for some reason chosen to let your mom rule your life for way too long. It doesn't matter that she doesn't want to go to a facility or that she doesn't want anyone in her house, or that she chooses to stay in bed. Those are her issues, not yours. And the fact that she's only 57 years old, means that she and you are way too young to be living the way you are. You haven't listed any reasons that your mom can't be living on her own.
Your mom obviously needs psychiatric help as do you for allowing her to use you like she has.
You give your mom a 2 week notice that you'll be moving out and that she will now be on her own, as it's time to quit enabling your mom and time to start living your life away from her. It will be much healthier for you both.
Best wishes in getting your life back.

She's coherent and it sounds like you can just make preparations to leave. She is in control of her own life - and business - as are you.

Let your mother know that you are no longer willing or able to be her caregiver. Set a timeline for moving out(?) or moving on with your life.

You are in a dysfunctional relationship with your mother. The only way out is the front door. Move on with your life.

You matter and I hope that you take charge of your future. You can always call her local police precinct to do a wellness check on her.

Your profile says Mom is 57? Or is that you? Do you live with Mom do you work at all? If your 57 or Mom is, you are too young to give up your life for her.

I would have Mom evaluated. First a good physical to see where her numbers are. Checked for any cognitive problems. Then I would ask if Dr. could give an order for a physical therapy eval to see what she can and can't do. If its deemed she is cognitively ok and she is not 24/7 care then start making your plans. If you have no job, get one. If she feels she needs someone to help her, she can hire someone. If no money, see if Medicaid will provide an aide a few hours a day. Once you have a job, you can save for a place of your own.

Do you enable or disable Mom in any way? Disabling meaning she can do it herself but ur doing it for her because its easier than listening to her. Its not too late to set Boundries. Tell her your tired of doing what she is capable of. Maybe it will take her longer to get something done, but you aren't doing it for her.

If you are not her DPOA, while she is competent, have her assign you. This does not mean your her Caregiver or there to fetch and carry for her. Its a tool. It will not be effective until she is not competent to make informed decisions. If she is 57, this is the way I would go. If she is more in her late 70s into her 80s, I would have it immediate. She could still be in charge but you don't need the competency thing to take over when its felt you need to. It gives you the ability to place her when she needs that 24/7 care.

There are posts on the forum where OPs have placed a LO in an AL. Everyday the LO calls complaining. One day the OP stops for a surprise visit to find the LO having a good old time. Some its doing for LO because they say they can't do it. A camera is put in the house and low and behold, LO is doing what they have been telling LO they can't.

Welcome, Legna!

So, mom CAN get out of bed (say if there's a fire), but she's afraid to be alone, yes?

Has she been seen (via telehealth) about her anxiety by a geriatric psychiatrist? What does her internist suggest?