What is a realistic way out of being a sole caregiver?

Legna, tell her you’ll be in the other room vacuuming, so if she calls you, tell her you won’t be able to hear her. Turn on the vacuuming. Go to store, to a bar (!), or simply go sit on the porch.

A week ago, you asked this question OP, and have not come back to answer ONE single question, ie: are YOU 58 years old or is your mother 58 years old? I assume, since your username is Legna58, that YOU are 58 and your mother is at least 78.


Meanwhile, you have been given 41 comments from forum users who care, and not one peep from you in response.

She's only 58, can get out of bed, but just refuses to? What would happen if you went to the store? If she just won't get out of bed, by choice, she would still be in bed when you got back, right? I think you might be surprised how fast she became capable if you just starting taking back some of your life. There is no way I'd let someone manipulate me like this.

Get her to an emergency room for a mental health involuntary admission or get her doctor to admit her involuntarily. She has mental health issues that require hospitalization for evaluation and treatment. When the hospital staff call to ask you to take her back home, tell them you are not able to care for her anymore.

Only one way. Death. I hope it comes soon to my wife. That sounds so cold but it is reality.

You want to be COMPLETELY OUT, so the suggestions of hiring outside help are really not helpful.

You are enmeshed in a sick co-dependent relationship and you know it. You also know you can't do this break-up alone.

We haven't heard back from you. We all have some ??

MOM is 58 or YOU are? either way, the relationship is twisted.

Mom is UNABLE to get out of bed or UNWILLING? 2 entirely different scenarios.

FINANCIALLY--are you dependent on her or vice versa?

I don't see a way you can 'part time' leave her. I did elder care, and the most I could work in a week was 32 hours. That isn't much. And all my clients were living with family. It was still grueling for them, tho I know I took a lot of the stress off of them--eventually, all my clients went into FT care.

You need to sit down and comb through your options. If YOU are 58, you only have a few years to work for retirement benefits. What are you living on now? Putting mom in a home isn't the 'easy' way out, it's fraught with drama and emotional upset. If mom cannot handle you leaving the house, she's going to lose it when you move away or move her. And you are probably going to have to work.

If mom can be 'rehabbed' into being a fairly independent person, that would be best, but something tells me that's unlikely.

What do YOU want to do? What are YOUR dreams and aspirations? Does mom even care?

This whole post reminds me of that Paul Simon song "There Must be 50 Ways to leave your lover (mother)".

Even if mom is 74, you could easily have 20 more years of CG. I'm sure that fact hasn't passed you by.

Please come back and clarify some things. We're all kind of waiting for that.

Are you in charge of her finances?
Bring in someone and introduce as a "friend" for a couple of hours a day (example: Visiting Angels). Then let the visiting time get longer. Soon they will be "friends" and then she will have confidence in that person then that person will become the caregiver.

When I stepped up to care for my father it was with a heavy heart, I was sort of given no choice by my siblings who didn’t want to give up their selfish little lives and pretty much want his money when he dies, so they refuse to put him into care. I barely talk to my brother and my sister only rings when she’s having a bad day.

Can people be indicted for elder abuse or neglect? Just like you can't neglect or abandon a child? Just asking. And, what will you do when your mother is older? Mine is 101, and still "coherent" - but can't do anything at all anymore. I have been her 24/7 caregiver since she was in her 80's.

Legna58: You cannot continue in this dynamic. Your mother will have to opt for her own care.

If she’s coherent it sounds like you don’t need to remain w her all the time, she’s being manipulative- go run to the store and ignore her complaining. That doesn’t answer the question tho how to exit ,I’d have to think about it more

Can you arrange an appointment with your doctor and get someone to sit with her. Explain the whole situation to the doctor. It sounds like your mother has mental health problems if she is capable of getting out of bed but refuses. She may be coherent but it is not normal to refuse to get of bed if she is capable of doing so.

Does she get out of bed to go to the toilet or do you have to change her?

She needs to be checked over for dementia and overall health. TOUGH if she doesn't want anyone in the house. Tell her that if she were capable of getting out of bed and looking after herself she wouldn't need a check-up. You have had 3 years of doing things you don't want to do so visits from healthcare professionals to assess your mother's health won't kill her.

Once she is medically assessed you can make plans to get out. Make sure you have enough money to do this and that once you get out you can get a job.

Realize the power here lies with you. Discussing this with your mom will never lead to any change. It will take you deciding on your own that you’re not continuing in the role as it is. And then you move and your mom figures out her next plan for care. No plan works without you taking your power back. I wish you peace

Some realism about “Get Completely Out !!!! ”. Who owns the house? If your mother owns the house, you move out, leaving mother with a list of phone numbers for any help she needs. If you own the house, you go through the process of evicting mother. If it’s a rental, different legal process.

A social worker or therapist might help YOU deal with this, but YOU have to be willing to do it. In the long run it’s no harder than being WILLING to deal with current problems indefinitely.

Well you are guilty in one repsect and feel an obligation in another - right? you need to be firm and if your mother is coherent but just refuses to do anything - you could always faint in front of her (that would show her how exhausted you are) I thought about doing that sometimes in front of my brother he 73 me 76) - he is stubborn and i do alot for him bc others live further away and his daughter has a job etc. it does wear on you. can you get or pay for someone in the neighborhood to sit for awhile? can medicare help you out with a nurse - they do pay? you need to get away even if for an hour (get a massage) your mother will have to adjust who will die first you or your mother??? ask yourself that question. Good luck

Why is she refuses to get out of bed? It looks like phobia, did you get dr opinion, treatments available? Did you get social worker involved?
If you thinking of facility and it takes time, then you must regardless of Mom‘s dislike get some relief and start going out and planning your life. Plan A and B, what would be ideal vs what would be realistic to make it better for you.

First, make sure that you want to do this and that you are not just doing it out-of-spite. This action could potentially kill the relationship that you have with your mother forever.

Do you have another place to go? Is it furnished? Do not expect your "friends" to house you permanently or even long term temporarily.

Do you have a job or savings that allows you to live without depending upon your Mom for anything?

If you don't have the above, then start the preparations to be financially independent of your Mom.

Assuming that you are financially independent of your Mom, what day-to-day kinds of things do you do for your Mom? Do you clean? Do you cook? Do you take care of her bills? Do you open her mail and review it before you give her the "actionable" items? Do you drive her to appointments? Do you keep her calendar? If so, then start looking at alternative ways to accomplish these tasks for instance, Meals on Wheels, bus service, care giving agency, cameras in the house, etc.

Since she is coherent, she will have an idea that something is going on. If she asks, be honest and say that "you are preparing for the time when you will not be able to help her". For illnesses, cite "having a heart attack", "having a stroke", "going to the hospital", etc. If she seems concerned, ask her for suggestions on who could help her if you were seriously ill. It is up to you whether you want to follow up on her suggestions or not. Come up with a plan for every little part of her life that you do for her.

Research what it will take to put her on Medicaid if you think her finances are shaky.

Then when you you have everything lined up, and all the potential problems covered then you can choose a day and leave. Whether you tell her in advance or how much in advance is up to you.

Even if you don't leave, having that resource list and a backup emergency plan will help your mental health.

It is a lot of work. However, it appears that your Mom is incapable of doing that kind of long range planning. Hence you need to do it for her if you want to get out of your current situation.

A thought just flew through my head....Could your Mom be dealing with a major bout of depression or going through a hormone change? I suggest that you find a therapist (maybe through her primary care doctor) and have her diagnosed. Maybe her neediness will wane a little, at least while you get your resource list together.

From your profile, I understand that your mother is 58 years old and has anxiety/depression/arthritis. These can be debilitating, but are treatable. Is she being treated for any of these issues? Her anxiety and depression can be helped a great deal through therapy and medication. Has her arthritis become debilitating to the point where she is mostly immobilized from it? At 58 she is far too young to be allowing herself to become an invalid, and worse yet, sentencing you to being her caregiver. You are young and need to be working to ensure that when you reach her age, you will be able to care for yourself. Her anxiety and depression are not allowing her to think rationally, so that you must be the "adult" in this situation. She may not have to be confined to a "facility" but she may required to receive in-patient treatment for a short while for her mental health issues so that she can be on the road to recovery.
You and she are enmeshed in each other's lives emotionally and physically (since you live together). Call her primary care physician and report that she is confining herself to bed. Make an appointment for her to see the physician. If she refuses to do so in person, ask if a telehealth appointment is possible. A prescription for anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds may be offered to her. Then it will be necessary to set up mental health care (social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist---btw, of these providers only the psychiatrist can prescribe meds--but even her primary care doctor prescribes, then the other types of providers can help with "talk therapy"). If she refuses this, then you may have to call 911 for emergency treatment for her mental health at a hospital.
This will be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life thus far. You need to save yourself, though. She will likely rant and rail against any actions you take. But know that you are taking steps to care for both yourself and her.
Good luck, stay strong.

Have a serious chat with her. Especially about being in bed all day (creating weakness). You might have to do the talk about - your job is to keep walking and doing things around the house (fold clothes, etc). You have a good mind and I should be able to leave here for an hour to handle chores, but your choices are keeping me tied to the inside of this house. I just can't live like this any longer and you are going to live in this house for a much shorter time than you think. When you lose all strength and truly cannot get out of bed, I won't be able to take care of you and you'll end up in a nursing home. Your job is to 'wear' out not 'rust' out like you're doing (that's how my g'ma said it). We also need to hire someone to come in a day per week for now - this person can do some light housekeeping and allow me to have some time away from the house each week.
Close with: So how do you want to do this? Get up and start moving or get in the car so we can take tours of nursing homes. I'm not willing to lay in the bed all day like you and cut myself off totally from the outside world.

I would ask the dr for home-health to start coming and get her exercising and moving. Don't take no for an answer from mom or the dr. Mom needs the strength training and other people in the home.

Leave.

stop enabling your mother which is what you are doing by doing everything she wants. TAKE THE STEP OF TELLING YOUR MOTHER YOU ARE GOING OUTAND DO IT!! Take care of yourself first. Does your mon have any medical issues - If so how do they impact her daily activities - You also probably need to see an elder care attorney to develop will and POAs [financial and health] if they don't already exist. How long has your mother been bedridden? How did this start? You say she can get out of bed, but can she get around? If she is in the bed all the time her legs are probably very weak? Does she get up to go to bathroom? to Eat?

. You might also consider going to your local Dept. of Aging for some help, but for them you should have some more specific info about your mom.

Do you or did you work? What kind of financial resources do you have? How do you get things like groceries? cleaning supplies, etc?

Are there any other family members or friends that you can work with to assist? What are financial resources for your mom? What business does she handle?

You might consider coumseling for yourself to help you deal with all this.

You're 58, or is your mother? Dysfunctional family dynamics. Can she cook, shop online and do other life functions to stay independent? You say that you are a sole caregiver, but do you have any family at all for opinions? What about getting a social worker? Help is available, so you might have to use tough love to obtain it. I it best to get a job and move out.

You need to set some boundaries, and you need to hire some help. She doesn't get to choose to be bedridden - if it's not a physical necessity it's a choice. If she makes that choice, you get to make your choice to hire help and get some respite time. She can like it or lump it.

I suggest just you consider this.
1. Explain that you cannot and will not continue to care for her 24/7, but will give her a choice as to what she wants to do.
2. Choices: (a) You give her a schedule as to when she can count on you. She can either be alone with some connective device (e.g. cell phone, Ring camera, monitor, Amazon Show or Echo (with a drop in feature), or have other helpers. (b) She can move to a "warehouse for the elderly" where she will more than likely be lonely and neglected.
3. Give her 1 week to contemplate this and make a decision. She can change from one to the other if it doesn't work out.
4. Hold your line. Love involves boundaries. It would not be good for your mother if you "departed" before she did -- though that happens to many caregivers. It is not good for your health if you are feeling stressed and burdened.

"I go where I love and where I am loved, into the snow; I go to the things I love with no thought of duty or pity." - H.D.

Well as long as she's sitting tight in the bed at least she's in no danger of falling.

Look.

She refuses to get up out of the bed.
But how about...
You refuse to stay trapped in the house. There is the door. Open it. Step outside.

The point being:
Your mother makes decisions for your mother.
You make decisions for you.

You are not responsible for finding the support she needs. She is. So you tell her enough is enough, and ask her what she plans to do when (not if) you return to your normal life. Note this point carefully: it is not for you to suggest the options - in home caregivers, assisted living, whatever. It is for her to understand that your support is coming to an end and SHE needs to think what SHE wants to do next.

Good question but how do you get out of it if she is your wife and you do not want to go broke.

The realistic way out is to take action. You need to decide that your can't continue to be a caregiver and maintain your mental, physical, and emotional health. You mother can't make your mother change, only you can change. You have trapped yourself in this situation so need to find a way out.

Either you need to give into her wishes to not have anyone in the house/go to a facility or you need to get paid help/find a facility for her. I personally would start with having paid care in her house as it will get her accustomed to have people helping her. If her care level increases, she can move to a facility.

Good luck, it isn't easy to make these types of decisions but it is worth it.

"By the way, she’s coherent and can get out of bed, but refuses to do so. She handles her business, but is petrified of being alone because she REFUSES to get up out of the bed."

Well, she should be SAFE in her bed. I'd quietly leave for a few hours each day without telling her and go do whatever I needed to do. If she were to get up while you are gone and takes a tumble, how is that any different from her taking a tumble while you are outside doing yard work or even in another part of the house?

I'd be getting the heck out of there every day. You say she is coherent. If she has a phone with her for an emergency, you should be able to leave the house.

Adult Protective Services (APS)

You can call them or you can deliver your mom to the ER and let them know that she has no caretaking help available and she has mental issues that require assistance. If all else fails, record her behavior and call 911 to do a welfare check with intent to get her placed.

Pack your suitcase before you leave home and head to the airport after you drop her off. Start making plans as to where you would like to live. You can FaceTime her wherever you land.

I was my mother's caregiver from March 13,2018 when she broke her hip to October 08,2020. I was her full time caregiver June 02,2018. My mom had long-term care insurance and they would not pay me to care for her. When she first came home there was a agency that came out 2 a week to check on her and bath her. She also had therapy a couple of days a week to get her back on her feet and walk. I would stay there with her so she was comfortable with them being there. There are companies that will send out people to come once or twice a week that is paid for by Medicare. or her insurance. I would have them come out and I stay there with her so she could get use to somebody else with her. Then I would leave them with her when I went to the store or just in the other room so I could have a break. My mother started let other people in the house to help. But be careful of who you have there. Never left them get to comfortable where they don't pay attention to your mother and no phone while they are on the job. My mother was not responsive on October 7,2020. I told her if it was time for her to go that I would be ok. My mother passed away on October 8, 2020. I am still recovering. I was lucky I have a wonderful family that were there for me with support even thought they were out of town. I have a wonderful older brother that was always there when I needed him no matter what time it was. Do you have any family to help you?