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Currently, my grandmother lives with me and has been recovering from a disease caused by having lung cancer. This immuno-compromising disease left my grandmother debilitated, unable to shower, use the bathroom, or even rise from the bed without requiring assistance. This was in late 2018. Since then, she has slowly been recovering and my mother and I share the responsibility of assisting with everyday tasks. She stayed in a nursing facility for 6 months until she could rise by herself and use the bathroom by herself. In the facility, she received physical therapy but that ended when she returned home. In the beginning, I was not compensated for any help I gave. My mother does not ask for any compensation from my grandma as well. A year ago, my grandmother began paying me $60/week sporadically, but around 4 months ago she suddenly began paying only $30/ every 2 weeks without discussing this change with me first. I initially did not mind. As her strength increased and she began to do more tasks independently, I started to push her whenever she asked me to do something. For example, if she asked me, "Can you put the dishes away, please? I would do it but I'm too weak." I would answer "Do you want to try to do some yourself? I'll stand here with you and if you can't do it I have no problem finishing the task but I think you should try". She has become increasingly irritated at my responses and I'm beginning to think she just wants someone to do everything for her just because she doesn't want to. With that in mind, I feel I should be compensated more than I am. How do I have this conversation with her and what is a fair amount to ask for? As of now, her needs that I help with include being in the room when she showers, putting cream on large areas of her body that were affected by the disease (every day), taking her dogs out, taking out her trash, opening water bottles, and various other miscellaneous tasks.

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It all depends on Gma's month income, assets snd bills. Maybe she found $60 was too much. You really need a contract between you two in case she needs Medicaid in the future.
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isagavila Oct 2021
If she felt that it was too much, I would understand. It's the lack of willingness to communicate openly that really is getting under my skin. She has money to pay for a caregiver she just doesn't want to "waste the money" on hiring someone to do things that I do for her for a fraction of the cost, says my mother who manages all her assets and money. Yesterday she tried to switch the payment plan again and eventually, grudgingly, paid me. What should the contract state exactly? Specifications on payment amount and frequency I'm sure, but what are the consequences if that commitment isn't met? If she fails to adhere to the contract then I stop helping? But then what does she do?
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I just want to live happily with her, and I hate that Im becoming increasingly resentful towards her.
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SnoopyLove Oct 2021
Do you really want to continue doing this? Caregiving needs to work for both parties. If it’s not working for you anymore, you can decide to make changes. Maybe a different job?

Unfortunately, caregiving can become a trap. I hate to see a young person just starting adulthood get stuck in a bad situation.
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You didn't agree any payment initially; you don't say why your grandmother began paying you a year ago, was it because you asked her to?; you didn't say anything when she halved what was a pretty derisory amount to begin with; and now you don't know how to start the conversation.

And she's the one who's failing to communicate?

You say she's living with you - whose house is it, hers, yours, your mother's? I have trouble imagining the discussion about putting the dishes away taking place in a kitchen that in fact belongs to you.

Is your mother or are you in charge of helping your grandmother to manage her bills?

Are you in education, employment, full-time, part-time..?
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isagavila Oct 2021
We both were failing to communicate initially. My mother owns the house, my grandmother and I split the utilities, and I pay 25% of the rent, working up towards taking over the mortgage. My grandmother does not pay rent but my mother has expressed a desire for her to pay rent at some point in the coming months. My grandmother initially proposed paying me an undefined amount consistently for essentially being a full-time caregiver. I would make her meals, help her rise from bed, occasionally help with bathroom needs, help her with physical excersisee to build the muscles needed to be independently mobilie, and help her in the shower, as well as applying a medical cream to the areas of skin affected by the immune disorder. My mother manages all her financial responsiilities., however this is not a role exculsive to just my mother, as my grandma still maintains the mental coherence to oversee her finances independently, but has asked my mother to manage the general responsibility. My main source of income is through e-commerce, but the majority of my time had been dedicated to looking after my grandmother, until recently, as her health has improved. My responsibiities are currently relatively minimal and include the tasks described in my original post. Now that I have more time, I would like to pursue educational goals, but I am aprehensive to begin that journey as my grandmother still needs help doing various everyday tasks and is uncomfortable being alone in fear of falling.
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Many people don't want to 'waste money' hiring help.

They may see it as trying to SAVE the families funds... but I can see how it can come across as devaluing the free family help they receive.

I think clearer communication can resolve this & sooth the OP's resentment.

Is G'ma or Mom in charge of the finances?

Is it actually Mom that expects helping/caring for G'ma is just part of living in the household, not an extra to be paid for?

It goes both ways. One of my kids (when young) wanted to be paid for doing the dishes or sweeping the floor. I said yes, if they started paying rent, gas, electricity, phone, water, food. I joke a bit, as caregiving for a Grandparent is VERY different & will be ongoing & probably progressive too.

Maybe a conversation around what's expected/reasonable for you to contribute to the household (chores, care duties, money) & what's expected/reasonable back to you (paid for personal care duties).
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isagavila Oct 2021
My mother manages my grandmother's finances but does not hold absolute authority over the expenses. My grandmother maintains that aspect. My mother agrees with me and has been the mediator between us in a recent informal contract my grandmother and I formed. When my grandmother hasn't expressed appreciation, my mother has validated my frustration with acknowledgment. She once suggested that I create a list throughout the day noting whenever I help my grandmother and then show her that list with the intent to show her that I do A LOT for her. In my grandmother's eyes, I do the bare minimum and thinks that I want to be compensated for every little thing I do for her. That is far from the case. Not only have I been helping her with specific tasks, but a significant amount of my time is also taken researching things that could help her health and condition, and simply being there consistently to help with anything, is a sacrifice in itself that I was happy to do without a second thought. I could be out with friends, going to school, working a full time job, or pursuing hobbies and interests, but I chose to stay at home so that my grandmother feels more comfortable and doesn't feel as helpless. I even made a balm for her skin out of various ingredients including lavender oil I extracted myself, which she did not appreciate, and then a year later, tells me about an article she read, that said that lavender oil and olive oil help with skin conditions. When I reminded her that I made her a balm with those same ingredients, she responded with doubt. It's countless circumstances like that that make me feel the most underappreciated. Although sometimes I take a minute to do something inconsequential like putting away the dishes, I make sure to get them done. My grandmother and I live as roommates as we both share expenses for living at that house, but my grandmother has the point of view that as a granddaughter, I should do what I am told without objection. Maybe if I felt more appreciated or my efforts were acknowledged, then I would be more inclined to do everything she asked the second she asked, but as I do not feel that way, I am left feeling that I should be compensated a fair amount, and then I would be happy to do whatever she wants right away. I hope I am explaining my thought process fully because the last thing I want to come across as is an inconsiderate grandaughter. When we had a conversation recently and formulated a rough draft for a contract, it was very difficult to try to express my frustration and growing resentment towards my grandmother without her reacting defensively. I expressed that out of resentment, I had been acting out in ways that I felt were immature and explained why I had acted in such a way, and went on to explain that I do not want to act like that, and asked her how could we make this better. Her response was essentially to completely disregard the vulnerable aspects of such an admission, instead choosing to focus on the fact that she knew that I was acting that way on purpose and how that was very low of me. I know that it's low of me, that's my whole point. We ended our conversation on expectations with her saying "and what do I get out of all of this??" at which point I chose to leave the room. I want to have a good relationship with her, but when I hear her mentality expressed in such a way, it makes me feel less optimistic for that to happen.
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I think you answered that very nicely, Beatty.

It's a tricky one, isn't it? The only tasks listed that are really care-related are supervising showers and cream application. To pay someone to do that, you're looking at a one hour a.m. call which costs... whatever it costs in California. But then again, this is a 25 year old family member with no training in moving & handling and no experience. Can she legitimately claim an equivalent pay rate? Would the family pay for a caregiver if she refused to do it? - no, is my guess, it would all land on poor old Mom.

Putting the dishes away, walking the dogs, taking the trash out... well. This is just part of living in a household, isn't it? Opening water bottles? Good grief. I think you'd have to be quite far along the burnout highway to resent opening a water bottle for your granny.

Or, okay - are these responsibilities costing the OP anything, for example if they reduce her hours of paid work? Um. Dunno, but it doesn't sound like it.

Isagavila, maybe try adding up how many hours are occupied by supporting your grandmother and take it from there.
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What she pays you is not dependant on her income. Does she have assets that could be liquidated? Does she have savings? How many hours a day do you spend helping granny? It sounds like some things you do for her would be classified as chores, some more skilled that require experience, on standby while she showers.

Is she living in a home that you own, or is it mom's? How old are you? It sounds like you are at the age where you should be in school, college preparing for your own future. If that is the case, figure out a way to get out and start living your life.I

Your profile says you are 25. Get out and start building your future.
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"Im 25, and currently my only responsibilities include taking care of my grandmother, otherwise I spend my time woodworking, gardening, and making jewelry."

What are your plans to become self-supporting? Do any of these hobbies have the potential to become a career?

As your grandmother ages, you will be expected to do more and more for her. If you are resentful now, think how much more so you will be as her needs increase.

What about getting a paid job outside of the home as your first step to becoming independent?
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I'm wondering (after reading an update) if a big part of the problems is generational.

Back in the day, my Grandma had to take on the care of her widdowed Grandmother. Probably was the olderest girl still living at home. At around age 13-14 school education was over & full-time work expected. So Gran-care probably fell to the next oldest granddaughter.

Your expectations may differ from your Grandma's! You probably won't be able to change her long-held views or sense of 'duty'.

So, instead, what about your long term plans?

Full time work will give you a greater income & ability to save for your own home & towards retirement (one distant day).

How about a compromise eg you get a part-time job to start & Grandma hires an aide for showers 2 X a week.
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Isa, let's look at the long view here.

How will you support yourself when GMa dies?

How will you afford the mortgage?

Unless you are independently wealthy, you need a job, a career, a profession.

A big part of the issue is that you are seeking the validation and good feelings (and compensation) that most of us get from our jobs from...grandma.

Don't isolate yourself this way.
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Is this YOUR house or mom's or grandma's?
If it is YOUR house then grandma should be paying 1/3 of the household expenses (if there are 3 of you in the house)
If the reason you are not working outside the house is because you are having to be there to take care of grandma she should be paying you the same amount that she would have to pay any other caregiver. (In many areas that is about $20-30 and m ore per hour, more for overnight, more for live-in Google rates in your area) You will have to pay taxes on that income.
If YOU are living in mom or grandma's house ... get your act together, get a job and move out. You are far to young to be a stay at home caregiver for the next 10, 20, or more years. ( what happens when mom needs help, you going to do it again for another 10, 20, 30 years?) You will wake up one day and wonder where your life has gone and you will find it difficult move on. If you like caregiving check your local Community College, take a Certificate Course and become a Certified CNA if you like that, continue and go into Nursing School.
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