I’m very upset and frustrated. I have a mother who was never much of a mother to me. My dad (who was also abusive and selfish) did most of my care while she sat in her recliner watching television and milking disability for decades.
Now she’s begged me tolove my husband and kids (both tweens) in with her because she keeps falling. I don’t want this responsibility and only agreed to it because I’m supposed to inherit her house and she told me if she goes into a facility Medicaid will take it but this house is the only way my family will ever get out of the hell of renting.
My mother and I have almost no relationship. Due to her being lazy and irresponsible I have no respect for her and no love for her. I feel no love from her either.
I see most people on here love their parents very much, but what do you do if you don’t? One of her social workers recently suggested using a potty chair so she doesn’t risk falling going to the toilet and asked her over and over why she didn’t and I finally piped up, “Because there’s no one to empty it!” They probably think I’m an awful person, but I’ve vomited at the smell of my own urine before. I can NOT help with bathroom issues even a little. I make her coffee a thousand times a day. I make her meals. I wash her clothes. I clean her house. I help her pay her bills and do endless phone calls. I help her out of the floor over and over even though I have a severe hernia that’s getting worse because of it. But I cannot and will not help with bathroom stuff, ever.
She qualifies for a VA program to help her get into assisted living but it will take 5-6 months to be approved.
What can I do in the mean time? She had a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for a few hours a day but I work a full time job, have a husband and kids who need me, and I was trying to go to college part time and lost it because of having to deal with all this. It feels like she’s taking away my entire life. It’s like caring for a toddler only this is someone who is in this position because she spent her entire life being selfish and lazy.
Anyone else dealing with parents who feel like an extreme burden because they were bad parents and how you’re forced to care for them even if they didn’t care for you?
So now you are living with your bad decision and putting your entire family through this hell that you're now living in. What's wrong with that picture? And is it really worth it?
I would personally rather continue renting the rest of my life than live and have to care for someone who I don't love nor that loves me.
And you obviously haven't been on this forum long if you think that most people on here "love their parents very much" as there have been many like you(myself included)who were abused from either both parents or one of them, and have/had opted NOT to have anything to do with their parent(s) care so as to save their mental and spiritual health.
I believe at this point that you need to start looking for a new place to live and let your mother figure out her care plan going forward, as you and your family deserve SO much better.
It's time to break this horrible cycle of dysfunction and only you can do that. So I wish you well in doing just that.
I think people often assume that a bad situation is God testing our strength and endurance, but sometimes it's the fact that God gave us free will and we made a bad choice, and we are experiencing the consequences. I imagine God hears some of our prayers for strength and is thinking..."why do you keep doing the things that cause this?"
You entered into a Quid Pro Quo that is not working out. Never rely on an inheritance with a declining elder.
What happened to your previous residence?
You and your family need to find another residence if the previous one is not there anymore. Resign from caregiving. Give your mother the names of agencies, eldercare attornies and live your life independently. If things are truly and were truly as bad as your post indicates you need a clean break.
Unless she signs over the house to you or shows you a legal, finalized Will where it says you get the house, there is a risk that you may not get it if you aren't the only sibling or heir.
If she does sign the house over to you, there are tax implications for you and a Medicaid "gifting" problem for her.
If she does qualify for Medicaid and use its benefits to pay for any care, Medicaid puts a lein on the house that the next owner needs to satisfy. The amount varies by recipient. You can't sell a house with a lein on it, either.
Owning a house is often more money that renting once you factor in taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance and repairs. I'm assuming the house is completely paid off... if not, that's another issue.
Some very unwise caregiving decisions are made due to expectations or promises of inheritances. Will you Mom actually voluntarily go into the VA AL that is available to her? This is another issue: elders will say "yes" right up to the moment they have to actually move.
Right now are you even the PoA for your Mom? I wouldn't continue your current situation without her making you her durable PoA for both financial and medical, and creating a legitimate will leaving you the house. Then you will need to ponder all the other issues impacting your decision.
She does want me to have PoA and we will be taking steps to do that soon. The main thing is she wanted me to be here in it in case she does go to a facility so it doesn’t get taken over by squatters or fall into disrepair when she’s not here.
The house is completely paid off. She’s a year behind on taxes but has the money to pay it and plans to go do that this week now that she’s finally out of the rehab facility she was in for about three weeks. I make six figures and can afford to maintain it.
Main reason I want to inherit it is because every time we have ever saved a down payment we have had a catastrophe come along and take it and we start at square one again. Most recently it was my husband getting into a car wreck and needing spinal fusion surgery and we had to pay the deductible to get it because the other party was uninsured and we didn’t have uninsured motorist.
I believe that a person that has been abused, and abuse can be any physical, mental, emotional abuse, should NOT be a caregiver for the person that abused them OR for the person that allowed the abuse to continue.
I think in your situation since she is able to get VA benefits you should talk to the VA Social Worker and explain the situation. And that you are physically and mentally unable to safely care for her at home.
Ask if there are VA Medical Foster Homes in your area.
Ask if mom can be placed for Respite for a while.
If you had not mentioned that she was eligible for VA benefits my suggestion to you would be to walk away from this...is putting your husband, your kids through the same h311 you went through when you were younger (and still going through it) worth the price you and they are paying now?
My FIL was an abusive narcissist. He physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused my DH and SIL their entire childhood. And continued to mentally, emotionally and verbally abuse them in adulthood. He was a nasty, mean, ugly person. He cared about no one's needs but his own.
He at one point told my DH that he would need to LEAVE myself and our daughters to come take care of him.
He did not like me because he expected me to get in line like the children he had years to manipulate and couldn't stand that he didn't scare me in any way.
What did I learn?
That a person should NEVER be a caregiver to someone who has been abusive to them. Period. It's a very bad idea. There were 4 of us...and we kept each other sane. But it was quite frankly the worst time in our lives.
I will also say this...tread very, very carefully in the quest for the house. All you have to do is read stories here to see how that has completely backfired on people over and over. How Medicaid can and will require the sale of the home and take the proceeds if her care is covered by them. If her care is already this difficult, it will only get worse.
I did not know that the VA would cover assisted living. We were only told that the VA would cover some or all of Skilled Nursing Facility care. And that was based on availability and In Service disability rating. The biggest blessing we ever had with FIL was that he got into a VA home about an hour away, and after 2 months of private pay his IS disability rating was declared, and they paid for 100% after that.
I don't mean to put too fine of a point on it, because everyone's situation is different. But honestly - it sounds like your situation is similar to my SIL and her DH. They moved into my FIL's home because it benefitted them as well. And I can promise you while they benefitted monetarily...the emotional and physical toll was so much worse...it was never really worth it. And they came out of it in the end even worse than when they went in.
So let me say it this way...from experience. No one is forced to care for their aging parents. Even a choice between one bad thing and another bad thing is a choice. You will be so much better off renting your own home, ensuring that she is in a facility where she has 24/7 care and you can go back to taking care of yourself and your family. Even if you rent for the rest of your life, it is still preferable to what you have already gone through and will continue to go through in the pursuit of this home.
An inheritance is not an inheritance until someone has passed on. If you have nothing in writing...you will be out of luck. You don't mention siblings...but keep in mind...that if you do...you aren't the only one that stands to inherit.
She qualifies for Aid and Attendance through the VA through her husband who was active duty in Vietnam. It would pay for assisted living but NOT a nursing home and she’s almost bad off enough to need that.
As to how much you attempt to take on in caring for a parent, that is entirely up to you, entirely your choice, and should be thought out according to the wants and needs for your OWN life. You are a grownup now, not a child caught in the web of problematic parents. You need to take ownership now of your own life and your own decisions for that life. Throwing yourself upon the burning funeral pyre of your parents will not make ANYONE'S life better.
I sure wish you a lot of luck. This is your one life. What we do with our one life comes largely out of habits we picked up early in that life.
Medicaid rarely pays for Assited living. My State you must pay privately for at least two years for Medicaid to pay. The AL has to except Medicaid and have a Medicaid room available.
Aid and Attendance is only for Vets and spouses where the Vet has been in the military during a war. I just looked it up and the most a surviving spouse would get is approximatrly $1500 a month. The amount you receive depends on a lot of factors. 1500 will not pay for an AL. My Mom paid 6k a month for an AL 9 years ago.
My dad tried this with me and I ended up spending three years with a disabled sister who I ended up having to place in a group home. No, I did not end up with the house.
If you did not have a relationship with your mom, don't punish yourself by taking on this burden. Many of us feel like we need a ton of therapy. We don't. We learn to say no and make sound decisions. We are not old age insurance for lazy and abusive parents who wouldn't give two shakes about us if the shoe was on the other foot..
I’d say the rent cost would be worth not living with her!
Please think of your kids and don't do this to them. Also, if your mother's care becomes too much for you she will have to go into a nursing home. Then all the misery and work you put it to save the house will be for nothing because the nursing home will take it.
Want to know how you can become a homeowner? Go back to school and develop some professional skills so you can get a better job. It will be hard to go to work and school, but not impossible and not forever. Your husband can watch the kids while you're in school and he can get a second job and you watch the kids while he's working. Then save, save, save and you will be able to get a home of your own. There are all kinds of programs out there for first-time buyers.
Also, you're not being forced to be a caregiver to your parent. You are choosing to because you want to inherit a house. Don't be a martyr because you'll only make it worse for yourself and your family.
You don't have to do it and you shouldn't.
Key Points About Medicaid and the Home
Medicaid and the Primary Residence
In most states, Medicaid does not count the primary residence as an asset while the parent is alive and in the nursing home, provided the home equity is under a certain limit (usually around $688,000–$1,000,000 depending on the state).
However, after the parent’s death, Medicaid has the right to file a claim against the home for repayment of care costs. This is called Estate Recovery.
Estate Recovery Trap
If the home is still titled in the mother’s name when she passes, Medicaid will likely place a lien or force a sale to recover the costs of her care.
The daughter could end up with nothing if no planning is done.
Options to Preserve Equity
Caregiver Child Exception (Medicaid Rule)
If an adult child lives in the parent’s home and provides care that keeps the parent out of a nursing home for at least two years, the parent can transfer the house to that child without Medicaid penalty.
The daughter has already moved in and is doing significant caregiving. If she can document this (doctor’s notes, care logs, etc.), she may qualify.
This would allow the home to be legally transferred into her name, protecting it from Medicaid recovery.
Challenge: If the mother goes into a facility within less than two years, this exception won’t apply.
Life Estate Deed or Lady Bird Deed
The mother could transfer the home now into a life estate deed (reserving the right to live there for life) with the daughter as remainder beneficiary.
Some states allow an enhanced version (Lady Bird Deed) that avoids probate and Medicaid estate recovery.
This protects the house but may trigger a Medicaid look-back penalty if done within five years of applying for Medicaid (unless exempt, like the caregiver exception above).
Personal Services Contract
The daughter could have a formal care agreement with her mother. This allows payment from the mother’s funds for caregiving without being considered a “gift.”
It can reduce countable assets (if mother has cash) and fairly compensate the daughter, though it won’t protect the house itself.
VA Benefits
The mother is pursuing a VA program (likely Aid & Attendance) which can help pay for care.
That’s good in the short term but won’t prevent Medicaid estate recovery later if she transitions to nursing home care.
Practical Steps Right Now
Consult a local elder law attorney immediately. Timing is critical because the Medicaid five-year lookback means transfers done without exceptions can trigger penalties.
Document caregiving thoroughly. Doctor’s statements, hospital records, and daily logs showing that the daughter’s care kept the mother out of a nursing home will be vital for the caregiver child exception.
Explore a deed transfer (if state law allows). A Lady Bird deed or life estate deed could protect the home if done correctly and not penalized.
Balance financial and emotional costs. If the daughter is overwhelmed, she should not destroy her own health and finances for the sake of the house alone. Sometimes selling, downsizing, or structuring shared equity is better long-term than burning out.
Bottom Line:
The strongest legal tool here is the Caregiver Child Exception, since the daughter already lives there and is providing care. If she can hold on until two years of documented caregiving, the mother may be able to transfer the house to her without penalty and preserve the equity.
But every state applies Medicaid rules differently and the details matter, so an elder law attorney in her state is essential to lock in protection before the mother applies for Medicaid.
Emphasized again: Consult a local elder law attorney immediately. Do not rely on anything mentioned here
You have already described that this is not working . So two things can happen .
1) You continue doing what you are doing until you can’t . In the process , damaging your health , marriage and , your Children’s lives . Mom will end up in the nursing home anyway . The house will need to be sold to pay for it .
Or
2) You stop feeling obligated to be a caregiver for your Mom . You are obligated to your spouse and children to be a wife and mother. You go back to school as planned , giving you the only chance to eventually stop renting.
Mom sells her house and goes into managed care home .
From what you described living with your mother would be a worse hell than renting.
My mother’s bank called me in 2018 only after she had given away her entire life savings to scammers and her account was overdrawn. Turns out she also hadn’t been paying her bills and her power had been cut off for two months. My sister refused to help so I flew across the country to see what I could do. Her house was a disaster and her yard completely overgrown. As reluctant and frankly resentful as I was to become involved, I did as she had no one else. I continued to travel cross-country 3-4 times a year for seven years (using up all my annual vacation time) to take care of her affairs and make sure she was okay. Just one month ago her health took a sudden turn for the worse, so although I had just spent 2 weeks cleaning her house, mowing and working in her yard, and caring for her personal needs until I was spent, I turned around and flew back (2,900 miles) and stayed eleven days and nights by her side in a hospice house until she passed away just five days ago at the age of 94. With all the baggage and pain of our past troubled relationship, I would not have done things differently as no matter what, she was still my mother and deep down I loved her. I have cried more the last two weeks than I’ve cried the last four decades. As difficult as I understand it is (and trust me; I have had to clean feces off my mom multiple times and then clean up my own vomit as I was so grossed out), try to find in your heart some caring and love for your mom. I don’t believe you will regret it.
Commandment... “Honor your father and mother.” Even having a troubled relationship with a parent, your decency mattered to you, and so you did what you thought was right by her despite her disregard to be a mother who parented you.
She could live another 10-20 years like this. She has found a way to manipulate you to have her own needs met, just as she has done her whole life.
She will more than likely lose the house -whether to Medicaid, or for other medical expenses. What if the house is not maintained and taxes paid, or mortgage paid, or a lien is placed on her property to pay the mountain of bills she leaves when she dies? THIS IS NOT ANOTHER BURDEN YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE!
Separate yourself from your mother and her house. Make the best life you can with your husband and children who need you. What will you regret more; sacrificing your children, your marriage and your health to take care of a difficult mother for 20 years? Or letting your mother find her own way and devoting your attention to your family?
You owe nothing to your mother nor expect an inheritance. Your mother's care has gone beyond your level and requires either home care coming in or facility placement.
Then you may get your life back that is more a value than inheritance.
It seems that you are risking your own mental health and wellbeing, along with your family's happiness, for something that cannot be relied upon. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I hope that whatever you decide, you and your family are okay.
You are never going to get the house, it will be lost to your mother's care, whether you waste your life caring for her or not. And, you don't even like each other! Even if you wanted to, it sounds like her needs exceed your abilities. It takes three people to care for one senior, where are the other two?
Take steps now to move out asap, and leave her to her own devices with the caregivers. When the day comes that she needs a placement, the chips will fall where they may. Nothing you can do about it, its just the reality of it.
Your husband and children are your first and highest priority. Act now to reclaim your family and sanity.