What happens when caregiving ends? I'm lost.

First of all, I'm so sorry about your hubby. My mom and dad were married 63 years when my mom died 2 years ago. So I know a little of what you're feeling, from talking with dad. I don't know if you have any friends, but you need to keep busy. My dad has learned to cook, something my mother insisted that he shouldn't have to do. But while she was dying of cancer she started showing him the basics of cooking, and by golly he has really done it! Us kids try to keep him occupied by having him over for meals, and socializing as much as we can. He is spending Sunday's after church meeting up with other old people that are widowed, and going out to lunch with them. Actually he's been having lunch with a few old ladies from his church and eating with them. My sister and I were kinda ticked off at first cause it seemed he was being awfully quiet about that. But since then I've decided that if he's lonesome to hear a woman talk, then it's kinda like he's renting an old lady for a few hours. ha Anyway, my point is you need to keep busy. If you don't have a church home, then find one and get involved. The first thing we humans want to do when we're hurting is to isolate ourselves, which of course is the LAST THING we really need. We need companionship pure and simple. Reach out.

Your husband will always be a part of you. I'm not sure anyone ever "gets over" losing a loved one, but you can get through it. I found it helpful to allow myself 30 minutes a day to feel sorry for myself. I set a specific time. I cried, yelled and felt awful. I found by doing this I could function pretty normall the rest of the time, and slowly I found I needed less and less time each day. I was so afraid I would forget, that by setting a specific time I knew I could focus on my loved one and me at that time, and try to live my life the rest of the time. Be patient with yourself and someday you will find yourself smiling at life again.

Great suggestions have already been offered. Here some others: take a class at a local college. Volunteer with hospice, at a nursing home, animal shelter, etc. Reach out to old friends and get to know each other again. Learn to cook a new food, like thai. Be creative. Pray. Fulfill your dreams.

After my mom died, I started working out hard. 1 1/2 hours a day, 4 days a week. I focused all my old "gotta do it" energy into my exercising. After about 5 months, I hit my breakdown point. I woke up one morning to work out and felt drained... this was my grief. I was finally at a place where I could move forward.

I am so happy this question has come up. I am the caregiver for my 87 year old husband who has advanced dementia. I take him to Daycare twice a week and attend their support group one day a week. Several men/women in the group have lost their loved one and some say it is a relief it is over and have moved on by continuing the support group, traveling, visiting family, volunteering etc. I have often wondered what I will do as I will miss my husband more than words can say but I certainly know his quality of life isn't good and he would not want to live this way. So, I know someday I will need to move on and perhaps sooner than later. Thank goodness I have several good friends but wonder if they will still be there for me when I am alone. I think the most important things is having faith you can carry on and know that this is what your loved one would want you to do. God Bless all caregivers, it is a tough job and a lonely journey

I am sorry for your loss.
Permit me to share how I have dealt with grief, it may not all be right for you, but maybe something can help.
Grief, cry, scream for a period of time. When you are ready to move forward make a plan. I think you are ready, albeit difficult, because you are asking for help.
Your plan can include things you want - visit museums, exercise, learn to decorate cakes, join a book club.

When you are at a fork in the road of life, is the best time to create new habits.
Go on a vacation or visit a friend, something you could not have done while caregiving.

Use the return from the trip as the demarc for a new lifestyle.

Turn your goals into new habits: sign up for an exercise class, arts and craft class. Buy or rent a Series from Netflix - BTW, Breaking Bad is really good. Schedule yourself busy and productive - not necesarily stressful.
Give yoruself something to look forward to! Make new friends, with NEW interests, make sure you can converse about new things - weather, news, movies - NOT caregiving.

You are a caring and giving person, and you can be something other than a caregiver - reinvent yourself - your new widowed, but happy self.

If you focus on new things, new people and share superficial pleasentries, eventually you will develop a new life and new friends and be in a better place.

I wish you the very best.

L

I am SO GLAD to see these messages. I had power of attorney for a number of family members who have now "gone on" (my father in 2008 who lived 311 miles from me, my aunt in 2011 who lived 400 miles, and my 97-year-old mother-in-law who lived in a nursing home in our town. I have just realized these past few months how much I miss them! Yes, I too thought I would be relieved to not have all the eldercare responsibilities, but I feel lost without these loved ones in my lives and the tasks I handled for them. I was so used to "jumping" in the car to oversee nursing home visits, doctors' appointments, surgeries, etc. that I stayed on hyper-
alert. Now, I am so restless in my soul because I don't "have anything to do." I am thankful to read the good suggestions above on how to learn how to take care of myself, do fun things now in my free time, and learn to live a slower pace of life. But, I still miss them very, very much!

Nancy, you are correct. You never "get over it" ... you just put it in some other place. It doesn't take but half a second for tears to well up if I let my mind go there. It's just that now I have a choice if I go there... well, aside from the songs and other mall things that bring back remembrance... whereas before I did not. For me, that was a certain degree of "healing", as I began to gain control over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

May 7th. of this yr. my darling husband of 18 yrs. went home to be with the Lord. I have learned that there will be unexpected moments of release. Sometimes at the worse possible times too, (like in the dept. of motor vehicles getting a tag for my husbands truck. long story, but I felt awful because I just lost it). But on the upside is that I remind myself often that he would not want me to be sad. Therefore I have been staying very busy. This helps alot, and having my church family around has been a blessing. I too was concerned about not ever wanting to forget him or his voice. I know that won't ever happen. So, we keep going forward. Reaching out to others who need a warm hug, a smile, or a cheerful voice. I am going to go back and this time get my state certification in CNA work. I almost can sense my husband cheering me on to grab a hold of this time and do all those things he would want me to do. I still cry, and it's still seems to be an emptiness in my heart. I've asked Jesus to fill it, and I know with His presence even more, I will get through what ever comes my way. And so will you margee. Keep busy, fill your life with lots of laughter and uplifting activities. You can bet our loved ones and Jesus are our best cheering section. There is nothing you can't do margee.

Everyone has great ideas! Try to at least call your "good" friends when you can to stay in touch...or meet someone for coffee or lunch when your husband is at day care...also...some funeral homes have free support groups and it may be led by a trained therapist. That also helps you meet some new friends who do understand what you are going through! I have been losing my 63 year old husband for 8 years to a terrible dementia and it is very painful for me now. I hope I will be able to feel relief when he is gone. I know he does not want to live this way. God bless you!