What happens now that my husband and I have fallen out with my father.

I’m so sorry. It’s such a stressful situation to begin with and your dad’s attempts to control and dictate just make it so much worse. You absolutely don’t have to tolerate it and no one would blame you.

My dad has always been a dictator too and he has no boundaries. My stories of this are never ending, but to give you an example of the extreme nature of his control, he went behind everyone’s back and hired a contractor to remove a set of French doors at my daughter’s house and block/stucco the space that was left. He never liked the doors and didn’t care how anyone else felt about it. He is boss of everything.

The other day, someone reached out to me when I said my siblings were out of my life once my father passes. He understood why I feel the way I do but suggested I keep an open heart to the possibility of future reconciliation. I guess that’s what I’m saying to you. Absolutely do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family but don’t put yourself in a position of regret. If something were to happen to him after your fall out, would you forever feel guilty for your actions? There’s no right or wrong answer, only the answer that is best for you and your family. Good luck with everything.

MrsGumby, your dad has dementia.

Any expectation on your (or your husband's part) that your dad can or will change his behavior is fruitless and short-sighted.

With folks with dementia, you have to totally shift YOUR mindset. Decide if you can visit your dad, agree with the EMOTION he is expressing about you and money (he is worried you will foolishly fritter away capital) and assure him that you will be a good shepherdess of his gift. Agree with him and reassure him. And then do what YOUR life plan dictates.

If you can't do this, then stay away except for very brief visits.

Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She has helped many folks "get it".

Whatever your father was from the day you were born until the day you decided you were an emancipated adult, he is now functioning within he significant limits of a broken brain. If you are a “caregiver” you learn to hear his outbursts as irrational, unfiltered, and meaningless outbursts with NO RELATIONSHIP to who you are as an adult married woman.

Both you and your husband will be able to address his behavior more comfortably when you are able to learn loving, caring detachment.

If you and your husband are “sick and tired”, you have not yet grasped that losing your temper, getting mad at him, yelling, harboring angry feelings will NOT change what he does, and most likely will actually make you feel worse.

If YOU and DH determine to address the issues with your father, you WILL be able to do that dispassionately and objectively and kindly, and you will feel LESS uncomfortable doing so than you are feeling right now.

YOU need to reframe and start the process of becoming your dad’s parent. His needs have changed without him being able to control the process. You need to assume the role of being his anchor.

There are lots of us here who have done it. You can too. We are all with you as you take charge of this painful and difficult task.

I agree with just letting things be as they are for awhile at least. You and your hubby need a breather from dad's drama. If he has dementia and it's getting worse, that could explain a change in his behavior. Or if he has always been that way, dementia can definitely make it worse.

Just wait and see what happens. In the meantime, you and your hubby should talk about what kind of boundaries to set with dad should he contact you, and what type of relationship (if any) you want with him. If the answer is no contact, that's okay too. As mentioned, it's what works best for you and your spouse, as you know all of the dynamics of the relationship with your dad.

On your profile, you say that your father has dementia/Alzheimers, although you are not mentioning this in your post.

Don't take money from Dad, #1.
Read up on dementia, #2.
Do not apply YOUR logic to the disease of dementia, expecting your Dad to act 'rationally' or for him to 'apologize' for behavior he didn't feel to be a problem to begin with, #3.

You don't have to visit your Dad often if the visits are troublesome. But having arguments with him is not the answer to anything, because he's not purposely or spitefully trying to mistreat you; dementia has damaged his brain, and that's why he's acting the way he is. My mother with dementia is absolutely OBSESSED with money and the weather, so those are 2 subjects we do NOT discuss. When she brings up the topic, which is constantly, I divert her, change the subject, or get off the phone/out of the room if necessary, or else she will start arguing and there is NO winning that game.

If you want to maintain a relationship with your father, both you and your husband will have to understand how to handle a person who suffers from dementia and set down a few rules for YOURSELVES so things don't degenerate into arguments when you visit. Because then everybody loses.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Thankyou for all your helpful advice to those who answered. I will take your suggestions under advisment. I'm just venting is all.

Do take a break-This is quite exhausting having to deal with his nasty attitude...But if you decide to go back, Say to him " Please don't insult me or criticize my decisions regarding my life, that hurts my feelings. If you continue to do that, I will leave." If he continues to berate and control you, then turn around and leave. You and your husband don't have to deal with that kind of behavior, especially from someone is very sick (and he refuses to accept his illness).

I am sorry that this is happening to you, being insulted and controlled by someone that is supposed to be a loving, supportive parent to you is very hard to deal with. I wish I could help you more, but I will pray for you and your family.

If you don't want Dad's money, then don't take it. When he hands you the check, tear it in two in front of him and say "Dad, we appreciate the thought, but we don't need nor want your money, and you have to think about gifting money; it's not a good thing". Then move on with the day.
You say you want advice now that you have moved on. Really, you three just had an argument. You haven't moved on. When you and your husband get together over time and make decisions you MAY move on, but it is early in this particular inning to tell where this will go.
There are siblings. Hopefully they will be able to stay and keep looking in on Dad. If Dad has Alzheimer's he may be different than once he was, or he may be the same quite unlovable man. If the latter is the case move on with your life and explain to the siblings that you can no longer afford the mental anquish of trying. Check in very infrequently to say "Hi, Dad. Hope all is going well with you. We are blah blah." and check out again.
There honestly are a million ways to handle this given you DO have siblings to pick up some slack. You don't say how bad Dad's dementia is. You may need some help and research to understand that when you speak with someone with dementia you are, at times, speaking with a disease. Do understand that your father apparently has few ways of saying "I love you" other than money. And people who give money often have that stuck in their head in some odd way; it isn't a good thing.

Okay, I have to start reading profiles. I didn’t know your dad dementia. That’s a different situation.

I hope things are more peaceful for all of you in the future. No matter what the situation don’t beat yourself up for losing your temper. I guarantee everyone has lost their temper. No one is perfect and it’s probably a clue that you’re overly tired.

Please take a break and regroup. You’ve received good advice and everyone is here to support you.

Hugs! I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my dad would have had dementia. It has to be extremely difficult for all of you. Let us know how all of you are doing or lean of us for support.

Your dad has dementia so it’s highly unlikely he will be arrested for assault. The police know that jail is not where people with dementia belong and they know people will dementia are not fit to stand trial. If anything he’ll get a few days of psych treatment in the mental health ward at the hospital.