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I've posted on here before regarding my father's behaviour. His memory is getting worse but he still dictates and tries to control me even though I'm married and no longer living with him. This happened today. He gave me money recently which I didnt want in the first place, so I put it in the bank. We had a discussion about money, its all he cares or talks about.

and he was lecturing me as always not to spend my capital because my mum apparently spent all HIS capital after he retired and all women are stupid and useless in his opinion. Anyway my husband came in on the discussion, and completely lost his temper with my father who was very shocked as they've never had words before, but my husband is sick.and tired of my Dad stressing me out every time we get together. So he gave him a serve. Long story short, we left on bad terms and I really can't see it patching up as my Father never thinks he is ever to blame for anything. My husband doesn't want to really see my father and neither do I for a while. I don't want to keep his money. I don't want anything from him. Sorry to vent

but it has come to this. I can't even bring myself to tell my siblings as yet. I'm.numb.

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What I see here in a couple of posts, is passive aggressive behaviour. This was my MIL and my DH has a smidgen of it but I have curbed it a little. My MIL would have loved it if I had done what she wanted me to. But I fought her all the time. I did what my parents way growing up. Once I was an adult with a home of my way, I do it my way. PA people do what they want and then act mad when u call them on it or feel u should be appreciate it. I think its a personality disorder.

Stay away for now. But realize Dad will not get better. There will be a time he needs more care. Let it not be you.

Money wise, if you know his account number put it back. Keep the receipt if Medicaid ever questions the initial "gift" and u can show you put it back.
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Do take a break-This is quite exhausting having to deal with his nasty attitude...But if you decide to go back, Say to him " Please don't insult me or criticize my decisions regarding my life, that hurts my feelings. If you continue to do that, I will leave." If he continues to berate and control you, then turn around and leave. You and your husband don't have to deal with that kind of behavior, especially from someone is very sick (and he refuses to accept his illness).

I am sorry that this is happening to you, being insulted and controlled by someone that is supposed to be a loving, supportive parent to you is very hard to deal with. I wish I could help you more, but I will pray for you and your family.
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Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers.
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Thankyou for all your helpful advice to those who answered. I will take your suggestions under advisment. I'm just venting is all.
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Your dad has dementia so it’s highly unlikely he will be arrested for assault. The police know that jail is not where people with dementia belong and they know people will dementia are not fit to stand trial. If anything he’ll get a few days of psych treatment in the mental health ward at the hospital.
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I agree; the point is that she should not stand by an allow this to happen, she needs to see that as an opportunity to get him the help he needs.

If she were simply to call 911 for an ambulance, the dad could refuse transport; involving law enforcement for the assault makes it much more likely that he will be taken to the hospital.
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So; MrsGumby, you posted this about a week ago:
"What are possible options for my elderly father?
My father is 84 also, although he can still dress himself etc. His driving is questionable. But his behaviour. I'm sure he has early to moderate dementia because of trust issues with my siblings and psychotic delusions about his lawyer who he tells anyone who'll listen.that he's a crook. Now he wants to get a new lawyer to change his will. 😡
Anyway now he's blaming me for an argument that he started with my brother who wants nothing to do with him. He's become a self pitying nasty old man. He just wants to fight with us all if we don't agree with his opinion."

Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia or are you assuming that's what it is? Are you in touch with his doctor? What is the state of his legal paperwork? You mentioned POA and guardianship which are very different things.

I also want to correct an error I made in a previous post. If he was to lay hands on either you or your husband, call 911 and, while you might need to involve law enforcement to make this happen, get him to the ER and get him admitted!

Are you in touch with his doctor? What does the doctor think might be going on?
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He won't accept that any thing is wrong.with him.
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So, Mrs. Gumby, your dad has dementia and lives at home? Alone? Does he have any caregivers coming in?

Is there a plan amongst you and your siblings going forward for how his care will be managed? What does his doctor say his care needs are?
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Yes Thankyou that has been taken care of, but in the interim we are still the recipients of his drama.
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MrsGumby, if your father EVER lays a finger on you or your husband, call 911 and have him arrested for assault.

But it shouldn't get to that. Agree with what he says and if he becomes verbally abusive, get up and leave.

Do not invite him into your home.
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No he won't be coming here now.
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Okay, I have to start reading profiles. I didn’t know your dad dementia. That’s a different situation.

I hope things are more peaceful for all of you in the future. No matter what the situation don’t beat yourself up for losing your temper. I guarantee everyone has lost their temper. No one is perfect and it’s probably a clue that you’re overly tired.

Please take a break and regroup. You’ve received good advice and everyone is here to support you.

Hugs! I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my dad would have had dementia. It has to be extremely difficult for all of you. Let us know how all of you are doing or lean of us for support.
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If you don't want Dad's money, then don't take it. When he hands you the check, tear it in two in front of him and say "Dad, we appreciate the thought, but we don't need nor want your money, and you have to think about gifting money; it's not a good thing". Then move on with the day.
You say you want advice now that you have moved on. Really, you three just had an argument. You haven't moved on. When you and your husband get together over time and make decisions you MAY move on, but it is early in this particular inning to tell where this will go.
There are siblings. Hopefully they will be able to stay and keep looking in on Dad. If Dad has Alzheimer's he may be different than once he was, or he may be the same quite unlovable man. If the latter is the case move on with your life and explain to the siblings that you can no longer afford the mental anquish of trying. Check in very infrequently to say "Hi, Dad. Hope all is going well with you. We are blah blah." and check out again.
There honestly are a million ways to handle this given you DO have siblings to pick up some slack. You don't say how bad Dad's dementia is. You may need some help and research to understand that when you speak with someone with dementia you are, at times, speaking with a disease. Do understand that your father apparently has few ways of saying "I love you" other than money. And people who give money often have that stuck in their head in some odd way; it isn't a good thing.
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The only reason he gave me the money was to hide it from my brother whom he doesn't trust for some deluded reason. My brother couldn't care less about my father's money and neither do I. We just want him to leave us in peace.
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On your profile, you say that your father has dementia/Alzheimers, although you are not mentioning this in your post.

Don't take money from Dad, #1.
Read up on dementia, #2.
Do not apply YOUR logic to the disease of dementia, expecting your Dad to act 'rationally' or for him to 'apologize' for behavior he didn't feel to be a problem to begin with, #3.

You don't have to visit your Dad often if the visits are troublesome. But having arguments with him is not the answer to anything, because he's not purposely or spitefully trying to mistreat you; dementia has damaged his brain, and that's why he's acting the way he is. My mother with dementia is absolutely OBSESSED with money and the weather, so those are 2 subjects we do NOT discuss. When she brings up the topic, which is constantly, I divert her, change the subject, or get off the phone/out of the room if necessary, or else she will start arguing and there is NO winning that game.

If you want to maintain a relationship with your father, both you and your husband will have to understand how to handle a person who suffers from dementia and set down a few rules for YOURSELVES so things don't degenerate into arguments when you visit. Because then everybody loses.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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Thankyou
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Good on your hubby! No matter the reason for the nasty behavior on your dad's part, caregivers can only take so much. Yeah, maybe your dad can't help it, but the wall we hold up to protect ourselves can, at times, crumble.

A few things: one, give yourself and your DH some peace and stay away for awhile. You both need to take care of yourselves.

Of course, this is if your dad has care other than you. If you're his sole caregiver and is dependent on you, you can't abandon him. If this is the case, then help him find another caregiver who he pays for, which allows you and DH to have some space and peace.

Lastly, with my mom's dementia her short-term memory was gone. However, if there was an extreme emotional happening (she nearly got scammed out of thousands but it was caught in time. The scammers, we kids found out, were calling her every five minutes), she remembered that trauma! For several months she adjusted her behavior. Possibly, your dad might recall DH's outburst and adjust his behavior. I wouldn't count on it, but it could happen.

Best wishes to you all.
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Thankyou but we are the a holes now, and he's just wallowing in self pity as usual. My husband spoke back to him and nobody does that to him. If it had have been me telling him off, I would've got a smack around the head regardless of my age, then it would've been on for young and old.
I was going to have him here for XMAS but that's not going to happen. It's sad but it has been long overdue. No matter how much we or any one does for him he just keeps whinging. You can't win
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MrsGumby, your dad has dementia.

Any expectation on your (or your husband's part) that your dad can or will change his behavior is fruitless and short-sighted.

With folks with dementia, you have to totally shift YOUR mindset. Decide if you can visit your dad, agree with the EMOTION he is expressing about you and money (he is worried you will foolishly fritter away capital) and assure him that you will be a good shepherdess of his gift. Agree with him and reassure him. And then do what YOUR life plan dictates.

If you can't do this, then stay away except for very brief visits.

Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She has helped many folks "get it".
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Yes VERY brief visits.
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Whatever your father was from the day you were born until the day you decided you were an emancipated adult, he is now functioning within he significant limits of a broken brain. If you are a “caregiver” you learn to hear his outbursts as irrational, unfiltered, and meaningless outbursts with NO RELATIONSHIP to who you are as an adult married woman.

Both you and your husband will be able to address his behavior more comfortably when you are able to learn loving, caring detachment.

If you and your husband are “sick and tired”, you have not yet grasped that losing your temper, getting mad at him, yelling, harboring angry feelings will NOT change what he does, and most likely will actually make you feel worse.

If YOU and DH determine to address the issues with your father, you WILL be able to do that dispassionately and objectively and kindly, and you will feel LESS uncomfortable doing so than you are feeling right now.

YOU need to reframe and start the process of becoming your dad’s parent. His needs have changed without him being able to control the process. You need to assume the role of being his anchor.

There are lots of us here who have done it. You can too. We are all with you as you take charge of this painful and difficult task.
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I agree with just letting things be as they are for awhile at least. You and your hubby need a breather from dad's drama. If he has dementia and it's getting worse, that could explain a change in his behavior. Or if he has always been that way, dementia can definitely make it worse.

Just wait and see what happens. In the meantime, you and your hubby should talk about what kind of boundaries to set with dad should he contact you, and what type of relationship (if any) you want with him. If the answer is no contact, that's okay too. As mentioned, it's what works best for you and your spouse, as you know all of the dynamics of the relationship with your dad.
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Thankyou
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I’m so sorry. It’s such a stressful situation to begin with and your dad’s attempts to control and dictate just make it so much worse. You absolutely don’t have to tolerate it and no one would blame you.

My dad has always been a dictator too and he has no boundaries. My stories of this are never ending, but to give you an example of the extreme nature of his control, he went behind everyone’s back and hired a contractor to remove a set of French doors at my daughter’s house and block/stucco the space that was left. He never liked the doors and didn’t care how anyone else felt about it. He is boss of everything.

The other day, someone reached out to me when I said my siblings were out of my life once my father passes. He understood why I feel the way I do but suggested I keep an open heart to the possibility of future reconciliation. I guess that’s what I’m saying to you. Absolutely do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family but don’t put yourself in a position of regret. If something were to happen to him after your fall out, would you forever feel guilty for your actions? There’s no right or wrong answer, only the answer that is best for you and your family. Good luck with everything.
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At the point no, I hate him too much right now. That may change but not anytime soon.
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Geeeez,

I don’t understand why he told you what to do with the money. If it was truly a gift then it shouldn’t have strings attached to it. Don’t you agree?

I get your husband snapping because he loves you. Like you said, he’s tired of it. Maybe it is time for a break. I can see why your husband doesn’t want it to effect your relationship. I can also see how seeing your husband upset would make you even more annoyed with your dad. I hope it works out for all of you.

Let it rest. See if he contacts you and perhaps he will apologize. Of course, you know your dad better than any of us so please tell me if I am wrong. I hope he will apologize to you for upsetting you.
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He apologises but in the next breath turns it back on you. So, in my books he's not sorry at all. They're just words.
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