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Hi what will happen if my mum has dementia and refuses to go into a nursing home how long can they stay independent in thier own homes? Could she be forced by law if they feel she is not safe at home? the only care she will receive is 3hrs a wk from state and we cant afford private care? I want to leave here soon and am worried about leaving her on her own?

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Kazza, I have a lot of questions for you. First have you looked at all possibilities for funding? VA benefits if she or her husband was a veteran? Is there a life insurance policy that could be converted? Does she own her home? What about a reverse mortgage or sell the home to pay for care. How much care does she need? Is she still driving? If not who can help with Dr. appointments and grocery shopping? Is she at risk for wandering?Do you live in the same town? Is there anybody else who can help? Have you checked with churches in your area to see if one has a day care program for people with dementia that could offer some relief? Depending on where you live there may be different options.
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Sorry Ferris I find your answers quite offensive my mother is NOT just my responsiblity I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters she is also THIER mother and if I cannot get help and support from them I cannot do this on my own. We are not all made of STEEL!
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oh my gosh is right!! Youve responded more than my family!!! Yep ive been fighting the doc for 2yrs he said she was looking for attention BS. Ive googled and diagnosed this all on my ownsome! Now im drained just so tired and want my life back. Im single never had kids have my cat hope to meet a nice guy before i get too old thank the lord i dont look my age and look about 15yrs yonger than i am!! So many people say you couldnt possibly be a carer you look to good!! HA! xx
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You keep referring to your mother as Mum, so I have to ask if you live in the U.S. or another country. Most advice that we seem to give is related to what we know as standard care with the U.S. so if you live in another country, many things we refer to may not exist for you or then again you may have far better care than what we have!

First of all you need to take your mother to a Neurologist to have an exam to determine if she does indeed have dementia or Alzherimer's. From what you have said it does appear that she has some kind of disorder. You need to find out for sure.

If she does, then it is time to draw all the siblings together for a frank discussion on how you care for Mom. This is not your sole responsibility but should be the shared responsibility of everyone within the family. Since it is believed that Mom's condition is not severe enough to warrant hospitalization, but she is doing things that are considered dangerous, she may very well need to move into a facility or you may have to just tell Mom that she can no longer live alone and tell her that you have made arrangements for her to move in with you or another sibling.

Personally I could never even think for a second that I would move away and leave my Mom to her own devices. This is how I feel and I am not saying that everyone feels the same way, but your Mom does need care.

Your mother will fight you about leaving her home because they feel more comfortable within familiar surroundings. The thing is that when your parent becomes ill many times you have to step in and make decisions for them that they may not be happy with. Because of this it is imperative that you obtain Mom's Power of Attorney immediately, because once they are deemed as incompetent with Dementia or Alzheimers they can no longer make those decisions legally....because they are mentally incompetent.

If you feel that you are the sibling that can make the best decisions for Mom, then you need to seek her POA immediately. You may need to lie and tell her it is not for use right now, but for use in the future IF SHE should develop a memory issue and you should need to help her. DO NOT TELL HER IT IS FOR USE NOW! If you are unable to get her POA NOW you will be faced with getting Guardianship which is costly and very time consuming so you need to get POA NOW.

None of this is easy and they will continue to tell you they are fine when you can clearly see they are NOT FINE. This is denial and it is part of the disease where they think they really are fine, but they are not.

Work diligently on getting the POA for Healthcare and Finances and make sure you get a diagnosis from a doctor, then do a sit down with other siblings. You may all have to stand as a united front and tell Mom you love her and only want the best for her!

God Bless You All!
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Most definitely contact your local (county) agency on aging, they can provide you with help and advice. They can, if your mom's condition or home environment is deemed unsafe, remove her to a nursing facility and appoint a guardian. Unless you are legally responsible for your mother (POA or guardianship), you can't be charged with elderly abuse. In my area, the Office of Aging recently removed a couple, both in their 80s, from their home and put them into a nursing home, even though they had neighbors helping them out.
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You keep referring to "they" who don't exist, and unless a person is a danger to themselves or others, no law is going to force them into a nursing home. If you need to leave her, then she will be on her own, and will have to fend for herself since you are leaving her on her own. This is your mother and no one else is responsible for her except you.
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Thanks spooky! I do not have a diagnosis yet? And certain members of family either dont want to know?dont care or are in total denial? im hoping the diagnosis will wake them up?? I am trying to get POA but not easy to push my mum with this but it needs to be done asap and she was robbed last week they took all her money from her bank, so I dont know how long until we have the money again? I am trying to take responsibility for her as noone else seems to give a damn right now all I am getting is she needs to go into a home as she cant live on her own. My hands are tied until I can get this diagnosis even the als assoc. would not really help or answer any questions as she wasnt diagnosed yet? Thankgod for this site! To answer your question if my mum fell here on her own she would be here until someone called the next day? so you can see why im worried. I dont think you have to be incompetent to be considered a danger to yourself and here you can be MADE a ward of court which means the state CAN commit her to a home this will only happen if she does not have POA what a mess eh? the health system here is dreadful and any sniff of money or property they will try and force you into private care as they cannot afford public carers. This gov no longer care about people and keeping them in thier own homes they just want to save a buck!
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The diagnosis will help. Once my mother was diagnosed and the doctor deemed her a vunerable adult needing 24/7 supervision thats when the state assigned a case manager and we were given help. She recently reached the level of care requiring skilled nursing so we had to place her in a nursing home. Very sad for me during her lucid moments I just want to put her in the car and bring her home. I have to force myself to remember how impossible it was at home and I am working fulltime with a 17 year old still at home who is not an angel. Sometimes I think my work was my saving grace because the state paid for her to go to daycare which gave me time away from her care. If the weekends were completely overwhelming I cant imagine being home all day with her. Frontal lobe dementia sucks.. Dont waste your energy with siblings that don't have a clue.. I gave up quick with that because unless you live with the dementia you cannot understand what the caregiver goes through.. Good luck and best wishes.
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My mother is currently living with me in my new home in TX. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard taking care of an elderly parent, but twice as hard with they have medical issues like dementia. I left my mother for an hour yesterday to run to the grocery store. I felt it would be okay since my mom sleeps most of the day. Wouldn't you know it when I got home she was in the family room looking for me. I told her I was going to the store to pick up some pop for her but she thinks it takes 5 minutes. Driving there and back and getting in line all takes time. My mom was also diagnosed with dementia. She forgets a lot and doesn't truly understand everything you say to her. She had a stroke 3 years ago which made her filtering difficult when talking to her. Believe me when I tell you my mother is my life. She is just different now then the mom I remember. She likes to be alone a lot and I still have a family to run regardless. Please don't let folks judge you are give you the guilt treatment. Every circumstance is different and you have to do what is best for you and your mom. You might ask her to come stay with you for a bit and see how she likes it. I don't know if you have a job or not, and frankly, I don't know how folks do it that do have a full-time job, but maybe, just maybe she might like it. Not going to lie and say it will be easy. Takes a toll on everything and everyone: spouse, grandkids, and mainly you. Good luck and will pray for answers to come your way. Carmen
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No, Kazza, I didn't take it wrong and I know I am blessed to have had a good relationship with my parents and, am therefore grateful to do it now. I know a woman who's wasn't as fortunate and her Mother was so mean to her. Don't know if I were her, I'd have the same sentiments.

As I said, only you can decide what is best for you. I also have something you don't seem to have, the help and support of one brother and a niece when I ask. I know exactly how you feel, hating living in your town, but another difference might also be, I'm 66. I've had a good successful life and was able to do pretty much all I wanted to do. Would I have my same sentiments if I were younger and had things I want to fulfill? I honestly don't know. Learning more about your situation, it certainly sounds like the best thing is a nursing home. Even if she comes to live with you, you can't be with her every minute of the day, which is what it sounds if she's already set fire to the kitchen. I, thankfully, have had none of that. I'm fortunate in that I can leave her for several hours and all she does is lay on the couch. She's never fallen or done anything dangerous. Every situation is different and you, and only you can decide. Good luck. I didn't give a hug because I don't know how to set that on here. But I would have if I knew how.
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