What financial information to provide to siblings?

No. You POA responsibility means you keep her information private. It is your choice to provide anything in addition. Showing them what they want to see could alleviate some issues, but may also escalate and increase the problems as they may start to criticize how you are spending her money. What about her attorney sending them each a letter that explains your duties.

How did this all surface?

You have in fact been providing them with information. Which you can point to, reports 1-7, in a row, voilà. You can also repeat - and repeat is the operative word - your invitation to them to ask you, should they have any additional questions.

Clearly, you have not been doing anything wrong, therefore you are not the problem. What is it they are feeling aggrieved about and why has it only now become an issue?

No do not provide them with your mother's bank statements. These are usually marked 'private and confidential' on their envelopes, and so indeed they are, and as your mother's representative and guardian you have a duty to protect her data.

However, that does not mean that you cannot share information you think it right for them to know, and answer their reasonable questions. Perhaps they would like to put some to you?

Goodness I know I would find it hard to keep my temper and refrain from sarcasm, but from the tone of your post I think you're probably a better-natured person than I am. Hugs.

Tell them her private financial information is kept private to avoid identity theft.
Ask them to put any request for financial information in detail, and in writing, and you will forward to Mom's attorney. Tell them you can give her attorney permission for them to talk with the attorney by appointment, but at their own expense.
Tell them since they do not visit, or assist with caregiving, their motivation for asking is suspect.
Tell them that ALL of Mom's income and assets are for her own use, there is NONE to share with family.

If you were to provide siblings with all (or any) of Mom's bank statements you would become incompetent to handle her affairs. So, do not yield to this pressure from your siblings. Stand strong.

What do you think is their motivation(s)?

Please send for Mom's credit reports from all 3 credit reporting agencies to keep an eye on her financial security. (free once a year in the U.S.).

You have got this! Good that you asked your question! Caregivers can understand why you asked this question. The pressure can be tremendous, yes?

I would point blank ask them why they are only interested in mom's financial information and not mom's health! In your shoes, I would spend every dime she had (on her, of course!) so they wouldn't inherit anything.

I think that it may be not the best move to assume the worst. Your brothers and sisters may have woken up to your mother's situation, and are feeling bad that they have been so unaware and 'hands off'. Perhaps they are indeed acting from bad motives about their own inheritance, but accusing them of that (without more information) is not going to make life any easier for you, your mother or them. Perhaps it would be better to say that you have always been willing to provide more information. Please could they let you know what they want to know about, and why? Say that 'why' will make it easier for you to explain the things they really want to understand. You always have the option to get stroppy if things go badly, but you don't have the option to go back if everyone gets upset unnecessarily.

I would think your guardianship is such you don't need to reveal anything. Tell your family you have given them exactly what the state requires of you. That the state oversees the guardianship. That as her guardian, you don't feel comfortable about giving out any information that Mom would feel is her business only.

Sheesh. What's with people sometimes? No offense, of course. But how about they hop on over to your house-see what it's REALLY like to take care of someone and deal with all of this. Then ask their 'financial' questions. Don't be pushed around. Keep doing what you know is the right thing. Same here, by the way, so I get it.

Pepper, looking at your history I imagine that the last court attorney (was this 7 years ago, when you were going through the guardianship process, do you mean?) or any attorney supervising your guardianship now, would only be half helpful.

Helpful in that your siblings' request for information would be met with a blank stare. The court would have no interest in relieving their curiosity. They are not parties to the court's arrangements.

But very unhelpful in terms of how you protect your mother's right to a relationship with her children and any future relationship you might want to have with your siblings, and as regards your natural inclination to share information, within reason, with your nearest-and-dearest hem-hem. Especially if you retain any hope of encouraging them to pay your mother some attention while they still can.

To repeat an earlier question - what has happened just recently that has made them restless?

I would think your duty as guardian/conservator would be to meet all the court's requirements.  If you tell family you are willing to show all receipts, etc., then it should be up to them to arrange to see them and go over them with you.  They can then assure themselves that your expenditures are legitimate. I would not think you have any duty to publish reports to them, just to the court.  Is this about their wanting to see what the whole financial picture is regarding their inheritance, not just verify your actions as guardian/conservator? If that is the case, then your fiduciary duty may be privacy. Can you question the court about your responsibilities? or an attorney of your choice?

I would not give them any financial information. You are your moms guardian and as such have a responsibility to her to keep her information private.

You have offered them a solution to any questions that they have, stick to that. You are busy enough caring for mom solo that this is undue aggravation from them.

Quite frankly, if you were being inappropriate with her funds the court would intervene. Obviously you are not, so tell them they can come visit and ask questions but you would be derelict in your responsibilities to give them financial information that doesn't concern anyone but mom and you by court appointment.

Why any adult feels entitled to view their parents personal finances while they are still alive just boggles the mind, my parents would tell me to go pound sand. The only reason I had any access or information was to pay bills while he was in hospital and SNF.

Hopefully they will come visit mom and understand that it's not their business to receive any more information than what you provide to the courts.

If the OP filed her reporting papers every year with the court for review, the court also has some ownership of taxes not being filed since they apparently missed that in the review too.

Are you POA? It's really none of their business as in right to privacy just as their finances are their own affairs. If you are not POA you better get it--you will need to see an eldercare attorney to Petition the Court. because siblings are like vultures and they just want a piece of the money pie. If you are POA you have total control with finances since your loved one is completely unable. WIthout a POA you are at their mercy.

I got POA many many years before my mom suffered Alzheimer's disease; alternatively I made her MY POA..which now she is unable to do. This was the time to do it. Dealing with my mom's very severe Alzheimer's--she is 100% dependent on my care and requires hand feeding, managing her bowels, etc., I also absorbed the family estate because I had to. My brothers have no say because they are completely out of the picture. Do see an eldercare attorney for estate planning and if you are not POA you need to Petition the Court because it will have to be court appointed. I also have access to her banking to pay bills because she is unable. I have never shared a single bit of information to my brothers because it's none of their business as they are completely out of the picture of her care. Mom deserves to live the rest of her days in her own home and not a nursing home. My brothers agree to that, and they have never pressed the issue of disclosing what I have to do to keep her going. Due to estate planning nothing will go into probate, and that's the way it should be.

You don't owe them jack squat.

I made the mistake of providing mom’s financial information to my daughters and they nit picked over her money and wanted guardianship. I keep accurate records and was able to prove to the courts that money was being used for her care. I provide an annual report to the courts and no one else. My response now is “I will provide you with moms finances when you provide me with your finances.”

You are the Sole Guardian Here, dear, Not any of your Sniveling Siblings. Provide them with Receipts to try and Keep off any Heat. They don't Need to See any of their own No Business Bank Receipts. Tell them what I said.

First, let me say thank you for all the helpful responses.  Now, you're not going to believe this!  I met with the siblings Saturday and got beat to hell and back.  The 3 of them had the nerve to accuse me of stealing $3000 of my moms money from her account.  I am so hurt, having chest pains, etc. from all the accusations.  I just can't believe this is happening.  I love my family dearly and would never accuse them of stealing money unless I had proof.  Well, this was my question to them since they say I don't provide them with adequate finances.  No one had any kind of paperwork but said they had it at home and couldn't find it.  Mind you this would have to be from annual reports I file with the courts so I don't know what they are talking about.  I can't begin to tell you how hurt I am and like I said they do nothing for my mom at all.  I am the one the throws the parties for the family, tries to keep us together and would give them the shirt off my back and they do this to me.  I am done with them.  My husband is hurt also and knows my mom didn't raise a thief!  I've never been the type to let money rule me.  Why didn't they sit down with me and say "we think there is missing funds."  Let us come to help you find out why it seems this way.  Anything but to actually accuse me.  My nephew told me my sister spear headed this over a year ago and has turned my two brothers against me.  She tried to get him involved.  She's always been very messy and jealous.  What nerve, she's been retired 2 years now and goes to see mom maybe once every 3 months and lives closer than I do.  My brother mentioned taking over moms finances.  I told him he would have to go to court to do so.  What do you make of this?  You think they may be after the inheritance?

You don't owe them anything especially if you are court authorized. I am my mom's conservatory and guardian. I file two reports each year. One to social services and one to an attorney. These reports are my accountability. If anything, give them a copy of those reports. I would not waste my time making copies of receipts or bank statements for them. And shame on them for their lack of concern for 7 years until money is involved.

You have received some excellent information here. There’s nothing for me to add, except want to say I support your decisions. As another person said, beyond what is needed to satisfy the court, you owe your mom confidentiality regarding her financial records. I’m learning so much from posts like yours. I was raised in a family where no financial training was ever received. Not even shown how to balance a checkbook by my parents. Learning from your sad situation of some of the pitfalls, when people see $$. Since I trust my youngest son, I’ll probably set things up for him to be my POA.
As an aside, I remember well many years ago when my beloved Nano was declining, my own mother, her daughter, tried to bully me into caring for her, when I had three sons under five years old, very frugal standard of living. When I told her I could not care for Nano, her narcissistic behavior took over. She screamed at me that she didn’t want Medicare taking all her assets, it was HER inheritance. Not a sibling, but greed and sense of entitlement.

Why do you owe them anything? They haven't been involved in your mom's care.. I am POA for both my parents with dementia and I don't provide my sniveling, uninvolved siblings with anything. They are also hands off and I am doing the best I can.. I don't need one more chore to provide them with information. I can just imagine how they would be involved..nit picking every decision I make and hoping some $$$ will be left for them in an inheritance.

I am in the same situation my siblings decided without my consent to move our mom to a nursing home while I was not in the USA thereby no opposition but when I returned I was able to have mom execute a POA for both Financial and Health Care thereby stripping my siblings of the power and moved our mom into my home now I have to give a financial report annually too and all I am going to give them is income combined plus her assets still in banks and her expenses for the year and nothing more

I am in a similar situation. I told them I am glad they want to be more involved and would prefer we be a team involved in moms care. I discuss expenses now and ask for help for daily things. Sounds like you are offering transparency which is important and hopefully can get more overall involvement. I found it too much to do alone and said so.

I haven't read all the comments yet, but seems like it's agreed that you are not obligated to give them any more information than you've been. That being said, you did tell them that if wanted to see receipts or anything else, to let you know. That left them an in to try and bully you. So, in order to show them that it's not going to happen, you need to be proactive not reactive. Don't be defensive when they ask a question or want information (even if you feel suspicious). Answer their question with a question -- "Why?" Let THEM explain themselves. And when they can "find" that paperwork, tell them you will work in into your schedule to go over.
(I'm not telling you what to do, but I've had to deal with this kind of ridiculous behavior before).

Have read through most of these. From what I have learned, you have the right and responsibility as POA to protect your loved ones health and financial information. You should not be giving out any information to anyone but the courts, lawyers. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean a person can get on their property, take things, or are entitled to health or financial information.
It is your duty to protect them and all information.

Pepper1, am I correct that you do not actually care for your mom. She lives in her home with a grandson or nephew taking care of her?

Could it be that the caregiver is lacking in something he needs, like a vacation and is venting to the wrong people?

No answers on this yet? I’m wondering same thing.

Pepper1, you don't have to provide bank statements to siblings unless doing so is required by the court that appointed you as your mom's conservator. Whether or not you should provide such information depends on whether doing so is likely to resolve the problem or avoid future problems. Whether you legally can provide the bank statements depends on the court order. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau provides general guidance on this issue in its "Help for court-appointed guardians of property and conservators" (page 17). See at https://files.consumerfinance.gov/f/201310_cfpb_lay_fiduciary_guides_guardians.pdf

      Meeting with your three siblings was a good idea, but, given your description of flat-out accusations rather than just questions being asked, it sounds like having a professional mediator might have made the meeting more productive.

      Isthisrealyreal insightfully wondered if your caregiver nephew may be needing more help and is venting to the wrong people. If so, it may be time to start seriously considering supplemental or other caregiving options for your mom. As you know, the progressive nature of Alzheimer's dementia requires continual reassessment of caregiving needs and alternatives, but the daily stresses of being the responsible party or the primary caregiver can easily result in overlooking reassessments and alternatives, i.e. it's often easier to cope by just keeping your head down and continuing to do what you've been doing. Best wishes in this difficult journey.

Oh *Pepper*! I'm so sorry you've had this hurtful battering from your siblings. How horrible.

I absolutely hate this, it makes me sick at heart, but there is a widespread school of thought at large in the world that thinks it is clever to be cynical, suspicious and disbelieving; and to go about "fact"-finding in a covert way instead of asking straightforward questions. If your sister's ears prick up whenever there's a radio or tv programme or news item about terrible abuses of elderly parents, it's natural that she should pay it attention. But then, sadly, instead of saying to you "what's the form with mother's money, then?" she ferrets about and picks up dog-ends of information and puts two and two together and comes up with one hundred and three. Then there's a whispering campaign, and all kinds of sour grumblings ferment, and then they nominate a spokesman and get together and the whole ghastly situation boils over into a verbal assault, like you just had.

And how DARE they? How dare they accuse you of "stealing" what would in fact anyway be a piffling sum of money in comparison to what your mother's costs must have been over all this time, and then make these accusations without even having bothered to provide the facts on which they reckon to base them?

It's outrageous, and you have every right to be outraged. But as you see I think it's more likely that they've been too clever by half (and have got themselves into a mess over it) than that they're trying to pinch the loot.

You want two things:

an apology, with as much grovelling as you see fit;
a family modus operandi to be followed in future.

You need to write to all of them.

Remind them of when you originally invited them to ask if they had questions, and that none of them has taken the trouble, and repeat the invitation.

Outline for them the process you undergo annually in order to provide the court with information, and again remind them that they have had access to these reports, and again were free to ask for further details but didn't do so.

Explain to them the duty of confidentiality you owe to your mother as Conservator, and that nonetheless you are willing to within those bounds to account for any spending they don't understand.

Tell them that their way of going about this has been incredibly hurtful and destructive, and that it is now for them to put it right.

Close by commenting that this will not affect their being welcome to visit your mother, of course. If you were me, it would be extremely difficult to do this without saying something about "in the unlikely event that you feel a sudden urge to" - but that is what you must not do. Resist!

*** Focus on what you want to happen next ***

From a legal perspective, probably not, but I'd touch base with an elder law attorney. My gut says they are probably feeling guilty for their lack of effort, and/or there is a lack of trust about your record-keeping, and/or they want to know what their share of the pot is. Another question for the elder law attorney based on the level of support (all) you have been doing. I'm sure you are doing plenty without having to invest more of your time and energy in providing reports if they are not needed.