What Does One Do? Tired, Weary, Feel OLD.

Well.

At 55 yourself, you don't really qualify as "aging." And your primary care responsibility is to your six year old grandson, who certainly doesn't. So on the face of it AgingCare isn't the right forum for you but I would hate you to think you've gone unheard.

What sort of help would actually help?

Shokare, welcome!

Have you checked out fora that specialize in grandparents raising their grandchildren?

You are certainly welcome to vent here (there is a thread devoted to dysfunctional families and one just for whining) but in terms of actual advice, we may not have much information.

Thank both of you for your responses. After thinking about it, I guess I don't really know what help I am asking for specifically. I had come across a forum post earlier. And while I did not consider myself (perhaps wrongfully) a "caregiver" as such, I also realized that in spite of my age, I have been. A good part of my life. Age while considered a physical description of time, or period. Does not necessarily equate to the emotional, nor mental equal of such. I have myself, met many people who despite being a certain "age" certainly do not manifest that in terms of maturity, emotional endurance, or metal capacity. I feel that having experienced such long-term periods of high stress, have wreaked havoc on my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. That being said, and medically proven in my case, leaves me curious as to where a person my age, and condition (diabetic, severe neuropathy, physical weakness, severe continual stress) am supposed to turn? There was a time when the issues before me, made me stronger. Like lifting weights, the heavier the weight gradually, the stronger you become. Until a point comes where you suffer a catastrophic failure, at which time there is no way you can go back to it at the same level. Well, I may only be fifty-five but that is about where I am at. I will check out the forum Barb that you suggested, that may be a better place to start and may a forum for grief as well. Remember Countrymouse, age is only a number. However, that does go both ways. Thank you both for your time.

Casey

Casey, do you meditate at all? It's a great stress reducer, doesn't cost a dime and can be learned easily from online resources.

Wow. My heart just hurts for you. I can't imagine losing a child; it's just not natural, to bury your children.

First, let me say I will keep you in my prayers. Secondly, I think you have amazing fortitude and strength, to go have gone through so much heartbreak and still come out on the other side as a loving individual.

I think when someone becomes so entrenched in caring for so many people with such tremendous problems - and while you aren't caring for an elderly LO like most everyone else in this forum, you are certainly a caregiver with serious, legitimate concerns - you lose sight of all of the "little" things that you do each and every day and start to beat yourself up that you're not "doing enough". And that's a personality trait, I think - I have often said at the end of the day "well, I didn't get anything done today" and then my husband will say "but you did 3 loads of laundry, you went grocery shopping, you made dinner and cleaned up" or something like that, and I realize that instead of feeling good about the "little" things, I tend to focus on the bigger: like gee, I didn't get into the basement today to start organizing.

And it's all of those "little" jobs that are so wearying. I think it's because they become such a normal part of your everyday routine there's not sort of "TaDa!!" feeling when they're done - you know, like if you re-paint a room, when it's done you look around and go "wow, look at what I did!" But running a load of laundry? Wash, dry, fold, put away? No "TaDa" moment there; just an everyday event. But one that took time and effort and had to be done. Raising kids is really all about the "little" jobs that you have to do daily, and you often don't get accolades, and sometimes you don't even get appreciation. And then *you* have the added weight of no support from a spouse and you have, in essence lost your family to drugs. It's no wonder you're worn out and weary.

I hope you are seeing a physician to help control your diabetes. It has been advice given here many times that you can't take care of anyone else if you're neglecting your own health. It doesn't make you a selfish person to put your health at the top of your priority list; if you lose your health, you won't be able to help anyone. Unchecked diabetes can lead to so many serious health problems, as I'm sure you're aware. It's also ok to admit you need and seek help for your depression. I've watched my daughter struggle with depression for years now, and it's as hard a battle in many ways as fighting cancer. You need to start making *you* a priority in your life, not just everyone else around you.

I hope you can find some relief and comfort. God bless.

What made you ''almost physically assault a doctor''?

Casey, does your Grandson Hunter have a caseworker through the adoption? Can s/he assist in finding you support?

Do you have Medicaid (Medi-Cal) for yourself and/or grandson?

I would make finding a good primary care doc for yourself a priority. And remember that depression is a real illness and should be treated.

This forum is basically for those caring for seniors. We do have grandchildren caring for grands. Seniors caring for Seniors.

I think you would be better seeking out a forum for grandparents taking care of granchildren. I have two friends dealing with raising grands where the parents couldn't because of drugs. They are lucky, they have supportive spouses. One did lose her son to drugs. She raised 2 grandsons and is now raising their step-brother, because her exDIL is an addict. The boy is no relation to her. Both woman were near ur age when they started their journey. You are not alone. Lots of grandparents are raising grandchildren.

Call around to local Churches and see if they have any groups where grandparents get together. Or they may know of one.

You have certainly been through a lot, and are still here to talk about it, which shows that even though you may not feel it, you are a very strong person. Of course you're tired and weary. Who wouldn't be with everything you've been through. But Jesus says(as you already know)"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
He alone will be your strength, as you know that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.(taken from Philippians 4:13)
You must now turn your "caregiving" tendencies away from others and turn them inwards to yourself. It's time for you to start taking care of yourself(and your small grandson of course)and start putting yourself first instead of last. Not in a negative or selfish way, but in a healthy way, so that you can rejuvenate your body, mind and soul. Only you can decide what that might look like, but trust me when I tell you that you are worth it, and so is your grandson. He deserves to have a healthy and whole father figure raising him, and being his example of what a Godly man does in times of trouble.
You are doing a great job, so cut yourself some slack, and just rest in God's presence.
Isaiah 43:18-19 says to "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." And that to me is great news, and I hope it is to you as well.
Now may "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

Shokaree, you are most welcome here.

This is a support forum for caregivers and you most definitely meet the criteria.

It sounds like you also have much to offer to others here.

I hope you stick around and find more encouragement and a safe place to vent.

Your grandson is truly blessed to have you.

I have a precious sister in Christ that adopted her grandbaby when she was 52. It has not always been easy but, God has always provided and held her up. She is now 19 years old and just got her 1st apartment. Of course mom is rejoicing that she is launching. HE will do the same for you and your grandson.

God bless and strengthen you during this hard trial.

You have endured so much loss and yet you are still a giver in the world - You are truly doing gods work and it surely is exhausting.
Keep swimming and Dont let the hardship change who you are - you are a blessing in the world - but also don’t forget yourself in this journey. This is when we all remind each other of that! Don’t forget you - you are important too.

I am going to send prayers your way that someone pops into your journey to help you not forget that about yourself (though I’m thinking your grandson does that daily).😊

I hope it just felt good to come here - tell your story and realize you are not alone in what seems like a very lonely journey - this place reminds me of that often. It allows me to accept I’m not crazy - I am blessed and I truly believe God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers - I see that in my moms stroke and her life every day.

She went from an emotionally abused child to building a family of her own - to my dad and love of her life being a severe abusive alcoholic whom she had to set free - became a single mom who worked overtime and ate the scraps to give me and my sister the best life she could give us - she then beat breast cancer while doing chemo every day and still working every day (as she had 2 kids and she had no choice) - to finally finding the next love of her life and to then get a few short years with him then windowed by 49 - onto moving near me - building her own business and being an amazing nana and mom - she was extremely proactive in her health on no medications and had just been cleared of her arteries checked etc - 2 months later - massive stroke - everything was gone - in a blink life happens - I see her every day and she is different - she will never be the mom I knew - but she is still somebody and as hard as this journey is and as much as I have to grieve the loss of my old mom - I still see her worth - I also believe God has a plan - and I look at her and I know she is one of his strong soldiers and she and I are in this journey for a reason. You are one of these soldiers chosen for the toughest battle - so I’m sending you strength and prayers and to be surrounded by people who will go to battle with you or even just remind you - you too are worth battling for and to be good to yourself.

It is so difficult to keep our faith when we watch those we love struggle or suffer - but this is when we need to trust it the most - it will carry us through. Keep the faith - I have a feeling God has something very special in store for you🙏🏼🦋

Shokaree - I first want to say how truly sorry I am to hear of your losses. It's a lot to take. I understand what it's like to lose a lot at once and it's overwhelming and can bring the strongest person to their knees. I hope you find solace and acknowledge all that you have done in supporting your family members thru their struggles. And I hope the beautiful memories of your son helps to ease your pain and sorrow.

I think the best means to help feeling as you stated - tired and weary - is to focus now on your own self - in your mind, body and spirit. Little by little, do what you can in lifting your spirits and taking care of yourself - whether it's by gradually some exercising (even stationary bike) - improves the serotonin...to eating healthy...reading...perhaps adopting a rescue dog..finding an in-person support group and meeting new people..reaching out to friends..taking walks..taking on a hobby with your grandson..etc - whatever you can do to fill your mind and soul with positive thoughts and healing.

You've been thru so much and you deserve time for yourself to heal, however best you can. Realize that you are not alone - and from your words, you remain being a very strong, resilient and kind person. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

I wish you much peace...and I hope the new upcoming year is a new beginning for you - that's filled with Much Happiness..Hope...and Joy to come.
Sending blessings :-)

I see on your profile that you are a Pastor…but sometimes they need help too!

I would start by talking to another religious mentor..a Pastor. Rabbi etc..& also someone trained in grief counseling. Perhaps your health insurance can pay for this? Also, take daily walks. Eat healthy. Pray 🙏🏼
You’ve been through a devastating time & survived! You’re stronger than you think!
Hugs 🤗

Dear brother-in-Christ, you have been through a lot of very stressful life events. Of course you feel worn out, tired, and a lot older than your years. Caring for others is a very tough job and you have cared for others over and over and over again.

I do notice that you never mentioned others helping you with this burden of caring. We are never meant to do this kind of work alone - it causes severe burnout. That is major contributor to your depression and probably most of your physical ailments.

As an RN, let me offer a few suggestions:
1 - Get help from others in caring for your grandson and others. Ask competent family members, friends, members of your faith community, and even paid help. The goal is to allow you enough time away from caregiving to work and meet your own health needs.

2 - Make time to take care of yourself. Remember that story of the oxygen mask on the airplane, you keep forgetting to put on your own oxygen mask while trying to save others.
a - Make time for your basic needs: 3 healthy meals at a moderate pace, 7-9 hours of sleep every night, 1 hour of exercise (walking counts) every day, hygiene and whatever other health tasks you now must complete.
b - Make time for your love and belonging needs. You have needs for love and companionship on a daily basis. Yes, God is the focus of our highest love and adoration, But, people require our love too - especially our spouses and families. You have to carve out and protect the time that your family needs to feel your love and for you to get loved in return. Then, carve out time for fellowship with godly men and couples in friendships - some folks like to call these Bible study groups or small groups. Ministers need friendship groups as much as the other members of the faith community.

3 - Get godly counsel when your are having problems. Yes, you counsel others through their life challenges. You also need help from others when your life has major problems. Start with a godly psychiatrist and family doctor to take care of physical and mental health issues. Then, gather with a couple of mature men you trust that have been through some of the life events you mentioned. Support groups are good for this.

With time, you will find a return of energy as your health improves and you allow others the blessing of helping you.

Casey, we may not be qualified to give you advice, but we can listen and pray for you. I will pray that God will send you people to encourage and help you. My husband, a former pastor, is in the last stages of dementia. My favorite Bible verse right now is "Come unto me all you who are WEARY and I will give you rest." God bless you!

This is such a wonderful forum where we can lift one another up and feel a connection. Shokaree, I so appreciate your honesty. So many of the posts are expressions of anger, frustration, pain and the single thread I read is that we all are such caregivers but lack the ability to care for ourselves. I have been bent to my knees, a son addicted to heroin (who fortunately now is doing well), being also the primary caregiver for my mom, who passed in 2018 and now my 95 year old dad. And on top of this, my brother and sister, who live very far away, are essentially estranged.
My faith has deepened as of late. We have found a church that supports us and lifts us up. I also am very active in AlAnon. I cannot go a day with out my readings, or a week without my meetings.
I truly do believe that we are chosen; our suffering isn’t for naught, but to teach us grace and humility. My ego wants to fight this daily, but my faith and my program keep me on track.
Put the focus on YOU. You cannot be a caregiver unless you put yourself first. On an airplane, you are told to put YOUR oxygen mask on first, before you can help others put theirs on.
The planet needs the nurturers such as yourself. Keep up the good work, but always take care of you.

I agree with others. I think this rut in your life can be healed through connection. Find a good church. It will do both you and your grandson a world of good to look beyond your problems. It’s time to figure out what God has next in store for you.

And while your grandson should most definitely be a driving force in your life, so should you be, too. You’ve spent your entire life looking after other people. Don’t forget to look after yourself. Maybe it’s time to dust off some long forgotten goals and dreams.

My husband is 54, and we’ve recently had a mid-life awakening, for it really felt more like an awakening than a crisis. We just suddenly we were awoken to the fact that our lives are what we make it. We don’t want to be scared anymore to follow our dreams. Time to take risks and see what comes. They may not all work out, but that’s life’s experience. At least we’ll be able to say we tried. We just want to focus on not having so many regrets. Half of our life has flown by. We just don’t want the second half to fly by equally as fast, wake up 80 years old and wish we had done things but didn’t.

I personally find that nothing rejuvenates my old spirit more than inspiration. You just need to go out and find some.

Best of luck to you and your grandson.

Are you still linked with the church where you were a Senior Pastor? If so talk to the current incumbent and seek their help. Its not a solution its a starting point and sometimes getting started and then taking things one step at a time is the hardest thing to do. You are obviously a caring person but now you need care, and your Grandson needs you to be strong and healthy. So start with your church and support from their and don't turn down any assistance even if it doesn't seem to be what you think you need, any assistance gives a space for a small piece of recovery.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. My heart aches for you. Every right is yours to be exhausted and depressed. You have endured a very long battle on many levels and it will take a while to recover if you even can.

Find some you can confide in, your church ministry and a good doctor.
In the meantime your sweet, precious grandson needs you.

Take care of yourself and I wish you peace, rest and healing.

I am not qualified to advise you on so much grief. But others are. I am praying for you to find a way to peace.

I am 61, and a full time caretake of my 83 yr. old momma. I understand and see you. Just know that you are never alone and that you are welcome here always.
I just try to take one day at a time, and I pray a lot. I have realized that sometimes I have to just let go and let God. Somedays are harder to do that for sure! I am dealing with my own physical ailments, and sometimes feel as if I am not doing enough for her, but I do what I can, have a good cry and move on. I try to not get overwhelmed by taking one problem at a time, if possible.
God bless you, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Shokaree,

Im glad you posted. You and the others that posted are an inspiration to me. I have felt so alone caretaking for my mom while still raising adult sons.
My journey has brought me to Recovery rooms like Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery. I am learning to love and take care of myself with the help God and fellow travelers.
Since Covid there are phone meetings that are easily accessible. I put on my ear buds and listen and learn from loving people from across the nation. They help me remember that God has got this and His yoke is light. There is great Music out there that helps my weary bones get through the day - one day at a time.
Thank you ALL for your beautiful encouragement in your post. You all have uplifted my soul and that is what we can do for each other. We know and can be a blessing to others that are in the same boat. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

I found this site doing a Google search. Possibly it could help in some way with your situation.
https://sixtyandme.com/resources-for-grandparents-raising-grandchildren/

Good heavens! You have been really through hell. I have no real answers except I wonder if you have any friends left. I wonder if you could possibly find a support group, beginning with a grief group for parents who lost children. Then there is Al-anon to help you deal with the drug addiction in your family. Any place where you would be able to talk, make friends who understand you would help. With prayers.

Wow, that is harsh.
May I suggest you go to Focus on the Family. They will give you a counselling session and guide you to the right resources in your area.

You are definitely on my prayer list.

No one should have been made to bear what you did have forced upon you but I think you handled it as best you could. Of course you are exhausted mentally and physically who would not be. As to the ones who are gone, accept that they have left and are now at peace and you no longer bear their burdens. As to those who turned out "bad", I don't see there is anything you can do change them or fix them so do not even try - you will pull yourself even lower and do not blame yourself. They made their beds so let them lie in it. And now you are raising a child. First of all, do all you can to get more rest - sleep; second try to involve yourself in projects and hobbies that you enjoy and bring YOU peace; get baby sitters here and there to give you some breaks; do what you can to develop a close relationship with the little one; and as time goes on, seek new friends and doors will open up. You are better off alone than in a bad marriage. Stop doing anything for anyone else for a while - set firm boundaries and bond with the little one and take care of yourself. Time will ease the pain. I know - been there. God bless you.

One thing I learned through the hard knocks of life - when people go bad and do bad things and won't be helped, it hurts but sometimes the best and only choice you have is to walk away and don't look back and make a new life. I had to do that - it was so hard but I had no choice and in time I was blessed for having had the guts to do so.

Life is certainly a broken road for most of us.
Losing children is the worst pain ever. I understand your wife's loss and the downward spiral.
A lot is taken and it is hard to re-fill us again.
You mentioned you were a pastor, so i pray you can remember we are not promised an easy life, but we don't go through it alone. You have a precious grandson to start a new and raise with guidance and support.
It is normal to feel weary. It is normal to feel worn out. But your grandson is in need of your security. Doing just that now is your mission.

As a Pastor, you were inclined to offer help to others and probably didn't reach out much for your own needs. Do you know a Pastor that you are comfortable talking with? If so reach out and see if he can provide you with any comfort, or just an outlet to speak, as you did with others.

At this point, if I understand, you are single and raising a 6 year old. Focus on that. 6 years is such a wonderful age for kids and the family. They like to get out and about and you need to. One foot in front of the other, slowly, will get you back among the living. The 6 year old can help you see the 'little things in life' much better than through your own eyes right now.

Bless you for the rough road you and your family have traveled thus far. If you have the means to see a counselor, that may help if you have no Pastor to reach out to. It allows you to say out loud things we tend to keep buried. Be easy on yourself, you have been in a 16 year fight. Sometimes we have to learn how to live more normally again. The past 16 years have created so many pains. "Learn' how to get back to happy. Best wishes to you and the grandson

I am reading a book "Boundaries" that you probably have either read or heard about as a pastor. It has helped me gain some sense of purpose for me and not everyone else. The grief that you must be feeling is palpable as you read your story and it is hard to imaging the heart ache that you are feeling especially when you feel alone, too. I am still trying to figure out the care giving life that I am in so not sure if I can offer any real tangible advice but I would say that reaching out locally to find friends and maybe old friends that you have not had contact with would help. Also therapy is quite helpful. Grief should be a four letter word....