What does death look like to you?

To Gershun All you can do is try to plan for the best and hope not for the worst I’m currently alone single going through rocky time taking care of my parents but I do wonder as well what will be happening for my own health in next couple of years I’m only 44 but time is ticking by. I’d say if I’m going into declining health the last thing I want to do is burden my family so I would reach out for health programs to help me when I can no longer deal with things not avoid rehabilitation or assistance. You said your partner doesn’t support his parents real good that’s not right he needs to re think things or seek a personal caretaker to help him because the stress is real and overwhelming at times. So my advice is simple if you feel you need help you go for it when the time comes. As for your siblings they gotta learn the importance of trying take care of family instead of just cutting family off I know this well cause my cousin used to live with us but she got older and moved out due to various issues and got two jobs so she can’t help me with my situation my mom had two strokes and refused rehabilitation due to covid so I spent two years and maybe more to come trying to help her while my life is on hold covid or not! So my advice on the matter take care of yourself and don’t burden the family only if necessary rather virus or not getting well is nothing to play with. If I have kids cause I’m single and struggling with no job which I’d like to work from home I’d say I’m not gonna burden my family I’m do my best to get the help I need if I get very ill at a older age or not and that’s the thought process you should go down! Mind you I’m only 44 but hell it’s never late to start I hope this helps and hang in there! Lastly if my moms rehabilitation doesn’t work out plan b will be to get her a personal caretaker from an agency to take the stress of me period.

I have thought so much about this lately. I am an only child, I am 61 caring for my soon to be 100 year old mother. I am married to a man 10 years older than me and I just have one adult son.

My main directive in life is not to put my child through the straight up hell I have had to go through caring for her and at times my husband. I have planned ahead for life changes to the degree that I can at this point, all my legal papers in order and I am purging crap out of this house like crazy. I have told him not to hesitate for one second to find a facllity for me if I become too frail or mentally incompetent. And to try, please try not to feel guilty about it.

I've often heard that married people live longer than singles but I expect that applies to anyone who doesn't live on their own. IMO it isn't some kind of special bond that influences longevity, it's just that there is someone there to bug you to go to the doctor when something seems off and to call for an ambulance when you couldn't have done that yourself. So make sure you live in a communal setting if you don't want to be someone whose body isn't found for weeks.

Wow, I am really taken aback. I am currently struggling with many of the same issues and I had no idea so many others were too. My mom is 85 and widowed. She had surgery in November 21 and since then has severe panic attacks, frequent UTIs, yeast infections and severe burning. Her memory is worsening and is exacerbated by the panic attacks. I have taken her to 3 specialists and now a forth in April. I am exhausted, frustrated, and sad. I don’t know her anymore.

Of course I want her to be at peace and not suffering with all of this. However, I can’t help but think to myself, who will do this kind of support for me when I am old? I have an amazing husband but no children. No siblings. Etc. I guess it’s off to an elder care attorney (thank you for that) but there’s more to aging then legal stuff and guardianship…..

Do you mean literally…what will the end of my life be like? Well, for me, the future looks dismal. However, at the end is the sweet relief of death. I’m not religious, but I’m hoping to go to a “better place.” At least that’s a nice thought to keep in my head.

My husband has Alzheimer’s. We have no children. All of our relatives are gone already. We have no close friends. Since my husband already has a terminal diagnosis, he won’t be around for me (or if by chance he is around, he won’t know me or be able to assist anybody with anything). So I will be alone. As alone as alone can get.

I figure I will die inside my home and days/weeks later someone will find my body. Or perhaps I will die in a hospital or nursing home. There may be nurses around, so that’s actually the best case scenario for me.

If you mean how do you get your ducks in a row, then talk to an elder care attorney. Get you wills done. We don’t have much, but have specifically excluded a couple of very distance relatives who may come out of the woodwork. We have a trust company to help with seeing to our (my) bills when I’m not able to. Anything left ( house/everything in it will be sold) will go to charities we’ve named in our will. I am currently shopping for long term care insurance for myself to help with some costs, but I’m not even sure that is needed. I can be placed in a state run facility for all I care. I’ll be a old lady who is totally alone, and I’m sure by that time, I’ll be more than ready to go.

We are in the same boat. Late 50s, no children. No trusted relatives… How do you find a trust company or other to take over your financials? I don’t want to pay an attorney $400 or more an hour to pay my bills. Also, what checks and balances would be in place? Lots of stories in the news about attorneys stealing client money. I am wary of all the things that could go awry. How do you find someone you can trust that you don’t know? A trust company would have checks and balances in place, but fees are high. Thinking a local/small accounting firm?

My husband and I are childless. A couple of years ago, we updated our will with an elder law attorney. We interviewed three attorneys before selecting the one with whom we worked. It took about a year (due to COVID etc.) to actually complete and sign the will.

We have arranged to turn our affairs over to a guardianship entity, should we become unable to care for ourselves or make good decisions (this is also referred to as a "trust company"). A good attorney can talk to you about your options, and clarify legal terms and instruments. While we hope there will be some money left over to leave to our nieces, our first responsibility is to care for ourselves as best we can.

An elder law attorney can help you sort out your options and draft a new will. I strongly urge you to do this since, unfortunately, family that refuses to be involved in one's declining years may often expect to receive something after one's death.

Margaret, I've always thought the Red Cross was a good organization. They always are on the front lines during any crisis. For instance the tragedy that is playing out in the Ukraine.

They are a charity are they not? Or do they just need blood?

Forgive me for not knowing this already.🤔

I expect to die before my DH2, who is 4 years younger than me, and also fitter. DH1 is dead. I would choose assisted dying (now legal here) rather than long drawn out mental issues and pain. If DH2 were to die first, I would shortly down size, probably to a retirement village complex, and certainly stop taking on the many ambitious DH2 projects that are driving me around the bend now.

I have 2 daughters, and I would hope that at least D1 would support DH2 or me in either event. However I would not want either of them to care for me, unless it was for a very short time (as for me and my mother).

I do worry a little about who would care for DH2 if I go first. I think D1 would, but D2 wouldn’t. If DH is still competent then, he will make his own decisions.

I am now having great problems with settling my will. DH2 gets all my substantial superannuation, and is joint owner of most property. D1 gets a separately owned property, but it’s hard to work out about unhelpful D2 daughter and her children. And also about charity bequests – I don’t fancy the cat’s home, and I don’t have a great deal of faith in most charities.

Any comments on this would be helpful, even if I don’t agree!

Yes Llama you are right. I guess sometimes I think the answers will come falling out of the sky and bam, I'll know what I need to do when really the knowledge is already in my own noggin somewhere.

Edit: Who else knows *about* you than you?

Gershun: My late mother had a booklet labeled "funeral" in her desk drawer. So perhaps it is a good idea to write things down in re yourself; who else knows atout you more than you?

Beatty, I'm in!! I have the very same idea but I also want a good sized backyard and a jacuzzi. Pool is fine, take it or leave it but a jacuzzi is necessary for our aching bones!

I came to this forum looking for answers and solutions for my husband's Alzheimers diagnosis, but I've learned so much more than that. I now understand that we will not have anyone to assist the sole survivor. We sought out attorneys (AFTER death financial settlement and Elder Law specialists) and was referred to a program that makes all arrangements "BEFORE Death." (Guardian Services) for POA (Power of Attorney, etc.) for people who do not have trusted people in their lives. I have three children who have demonstrated their lack of interest or loyalty to their parents (as one said, "I work, I don't have time for you in my life." - words that have been etched on my soul.)

We have ordered DNR bracelets and signed papers with the doctor. We have contracted with Neptune Society and will be discussing, "Death with Dignity Program" with our Elder Law Attorney.

We are putting the house on the market to downsize our living arrangements and will be contacting an auction house or consignment company for antiques and such. We are donating to local charities all the time as we thin out our belongings. Christmas brought about a revelation: we only put lights on the Christmas tree and that proved to show us how many memories are wrapped up in ornaments and that we can, indeed, give them all away.

Memories usually make me sad, but I hum my favorite song, "The Way We Were," by Streisand.

Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?
Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply to choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Thx again everyone for your responses. Some very thoughtful things said. You are giving me great insight and I do appreciate the time and care you have put into your posts. 💗

To me, death is letting go. At 71 and given my family medical history, I probably have another 10 or 20 years to live, if not more. Yet I am already starting to let go. The possessions that I have spent a life time acquiring are now subject to thinning out. I am pruning back some of the now-unused items, giving them to my sons or to charity. I have had them, enjoyed them, but it is time to let them go to someone else who will, perhaps, cherish them as I have. If I live long enough, I hope to have no more than 1 box in the attic, just old holiday ornaments stored for the next holiday. Everything else will already have a new owner.

Like my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, I expect to outlive most of my friends. Perhaps there will be newer, later friends to spend some last hours visiting with. Perhaps not. However, I do not fear being alone when my time comes, though that may well be the case. I will be letting go of the possessions, the friendships as time goes on, keeping the memories of all the wonderful times in my life. If I happen to be alone when the final letting go occurs, I am sure that it will be spent living in the memories of the good things I have owned, the good times shared with friends and family already gone. There have also been bad times and disappointing purchases. I try to let go of those as quickly as possible. I want to hold on to the things that are best, have the best memories. Ultimately, I will only hang on to the memories. Those, perhaps, will accompany me on my way out of this life. I expect a peaceful death, not missing those things or relationships that I have released, but cherishing the present memories of everything that has brought me pleasure and contentment during this long and eventful life.

I encourage you to let go of any expectations you may have had concerning your sibs and partner, possessions, and career. Focus instead on the happy memories that you can keep with you. Buy or make a few items that will make you particularly happy. Cherish these things, for a while, making the memories that will sustain you. Join a garden club or some other organization where you can make a friend or two based on a loved activity. Hang tight to the memories you are making and let go of any that do not sustain you. You can be happy and satisfied with the memories that you make and keep. Look at old photo albums or year books and try to lock into your minds the good times past, even while letting go of the people and things that made them. I think you will find some peace and contentment there.

If I've learned nothing from the 4 years or so that I've been reading the AgingCare forums it's that blood doesn't guarantee love or support, and that the kindness of strangers is often what we end up being most grateful for.

I'm in your position, too- married but no kids and no close family. I thought about this in my late 30s when children were definitely out of the equation and began saving for health care so that when it got to the point where we couldn't care for ourselves we would (hopefully) be able to afford a nice facility to spend the last years with the company of other residents (it's strange to think that the music of my generation will include Kiss, Metallica, and Van Halen- no Perry Como to lull us to sleep as we doze in our wheelchairs in the solarium!).

In the end, however, we all die alone regardless of where we live or who is with us... the best we can hope for is an easing into it as we get there. My father died 2 months ago in a warm, clean bed in the little hospital of the coal mining town where he had been born 88 years earlier. I am forever grateful to those strangers who took such excellent, kind care of my old dad during his last days and were with him in the early morning hours when his heart gave out. Personally, I hope I am surrounded by that same kind of care when it comes my time but until then I plan to enjoy life and be grateful for whatever each new day brings.

I will be 89 and live in assisted living and realize I am l00% alone. I have no one friend here as almost all have dementia and no interests in anything. I am very super high functioning but can't walk due to spinal issues but I can still safely drive and do (alone) to go out and eat. I just finished 60 courses in six years of online college courses - loved it but got tired and wanted more ME time. I still work two jobs - one for 52 years and 15 as a Power of Attorney. I handle all of my own affairs and have a kitty and hobbies. But I have NO family and all but two friends are gone - they are about three hours away and have very busy lives. I have other computer friends but they are all over the country. I am not doing well and I have had to accept the fact I AM 100% ALONE AND WILL DIE ALONE. I am not happy about it but what can I do? Nothing? I want to die in my own bed in my room, not in a hospital, with my kitty. They do nothing here - in and out and don't speak or interact with residents. I hate the thought but I have peace because I won't be suffering any more, But all of my papers are always completely current and up to date in every way. I have already paid for my funeral and cemetery. Nothing much for anyone to do. Sad but true.

You have been reading my mind. Currently I’m alone, looking for a 4 legged companion to take me through the rest of my years..I’m currently 72. Lost my third husband and Son in 2020. Just lost my best friend (dog) this year , he was 17. I fortunate to have the Lord. I have no family left. I too am asking what to do ? Thank you for the question.

As my siblings and I age, we pondered how the future would look. One of my sisters joked that we’d probably have to move in together to take care of each. That’s funny because I see them today (while in good health) as very selfish, not wanting to shift or change their own lives in caring for our mom in her last years. Sadly, they will face a sad future if they believe that their children and spouses will lift a hand in caring for them. I wouldn’t sit up at night worrying about tomorrow. Each day has its own problems. Enjoy life for now.

You're not alone.I don't worry about ending up there but just my quality of life by a strangers hands.I think of this often with my mom in a nursing home. Like you I have No kids.I have no close friends.My brothers don't even see mom.An ex husband, that I get along fine with, but is extremely short in patience in everything he does and 7 years older.And doesn't even want to listen to anything that has the words nursing home in it.Don't know who to get to look after my interest if I end up in nursing home. No family members that have that kind of gumption .

Gershun, I might have a similar situation. As a gay man, I don't have children or a partner to take care of me in my later years. My older brother would give me whatever support I needed - financially, letting me stay with him, or whatever, but I would not want him to have that burden.

And, being in the home healthcare industry, I've been able to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of aging and death. I have had to listen to many adult children "wishing their parents were dead" and others charging up their credit cards because "mom's happiness is the most important thing in the world to me".

With all that said, I have no fear of old age or dying - both are inevitable - and I can have power over both. At some point, my money, my health, or my will to live might expire before my physical body does. I will do what I can to prepare for that day, not obsess over it, nor fear it.

On a happy note, I told my brother I am planning to be cremated. He told me he would spread my ashes in Thailand for me because he knows how much I like it there. My response was, "I like McDonald's too! The parking lot will be fine!"

Invest in gathering a group of friends - young and old - who care for each other. I found "my group" at church and with some reliable relatives. There are good people out there; go find them.

Age never concerned me but when I turned 62 and SS began I became more aware of my age and had some concerns. I had already been a care partner for my husband for 20 years at that time so was aware of those issues. Then we met a lady who was turning 100 and realized, hey, I may have another 30-40 years left so I should take better care of myself just in case! She still used her computer to Skype with relatives far away. When she saw me and a couple others using our new iPads she decided she wanted one so her family gave her one for her 100th birthday! She began playing Words with Friends with us and quite often beat us! She was probably 101-102 last time I saw her and she still had her iPad but no longer played but only because of her vision! So while we have all documents in order, I try not to dwell on how it will happen. I am saving as much as I can to be able to care for both of us as long as I can. I’m trying to prepare financially to provide what our sons will need to be able to keep us in our own home as long as possible.

Since being thrust into the role of caregiver to my now 95 yo mother with dementia, I think about this quite a bit.

My two young adult children have watched the situation unfold over the past 16 years. They've watched as I've (reluctantly) let go of so much to care for my mother.

I will never ask them to take on the burden of hands-on caregiving. Never.

And, without my prompting, they have both told me that they will make sure I'm cared for properly and if needed they will hire an in-home caregiver.

However, in my heart I don't believe that I'll reach the point of needing someone else to care for me. This gig has taken years off my life and I really no longer care.

I’m new here. Just recently became a caregiver and I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious most days. I just want to tell you all that this particular thread has been both heartbreaking and comforting. I can’t tell you how much your willingness to share your journeys, plans, hopes and fears has helped settle my heart. You all have endured so much and are still willing to share and reach out to help others.

I am only a few months into this journey but already know that the last thing I want is for my children to feel this weight. If that lesson is why I’m going through this with my own parents, it will be worth it.

Two things come to mind, one is the group of little old ladies I grew up knowing in church. They all had the same mantra “I’m not leaving my house” like it was scared. Many of them wound up in dangerous circumstances trying to stay in a particular house. I quietly vowed to never be like that and am grateful we’ve moved quite a bit over the years and I don’t feel that obsessive need to stay in a place. Second, my dad was known for his firm rule that he wouldn’t live with any of his adult children and we also couldn’t live with him. I’ve seen the wisdom of this and plan for the same idea

I don't think we should obsess about death, but still some thinking has to go into planning what will happen. I have no children but have a partner who would help..but I took out LTC insurance so if I need to go to AL or nursing home I will be able to. I see what no planning does. My mother is in AL and will run out of money if she lives more than two more years, So don't know what we will do. My Dad only stayed in a nursing home for 2 months before he passed..,,although he should have gone much sooner. It was hard on everyone in the family the last two years he was home.

I think a lot of my worry stems from my partner and how I've seen him deal with his elderly parents. I don't like to criticize him on here but I'll need to to make my point. He treats them very badly. Granted, they are no picnic and I refuse to see them and have for a number of years. So taking that into account maybe they have reaped what they sowed. They've been doing a number on him for most of his life and this is their payback I guess. While I would choose a different route. Rather than get them back for getting me I choose to just avoid the situation entirely. I suppose as their child he doesn't have that luxury. And when I say mistreatment, I don't mean physical or mental abuse. I see just an extreme lack of caring on his part. That's not my way and I can never be callous even if maybe it's deserved.

I even voiced my concerns to him about how I see him treat his parents and my question to him was "Is this what I have to look forward to when I start to lose my faculties?" His response was "But you are a girl of love" Girl, LOL! So I take that to mean I'm nothing like his parents and therefore need not worry. I hope and I pray.

I'm glad you've all been generous with your responses. I think this is an important topic and if it is a gentle kick in the right direction as far as planning for your future then I'm glad I brought it up.

I've worried for years about how well my husband will handle my eventual decline if it comes to me first. He's spent our whole marriage nagging me that every ailment can be cured by working out obsessively as he does, and my refusal to do that is, in his opinion, the reason why I'll die someday -- even if I'm 92 like my mother who never worked out a day in her life.

He also isn't great in a crisis, although I'll give him some credit for being able to call 911 when I had pancreatitis attacks three times in the past couple of months. However, the last time I had to send him home from the hospital because HE was the one about to pass out. (No lie -- he left the hospital and went to work out.) He also has zero curiosity about medical issues and no interest in learning about them or how to treat them. That could be a problem down the line, too. There's no need to learn about medical issues if you'd just work out, you know!

Fortunately, we already have all our powers of attorney and our trust set up, and there's plenty of money to cover nursing homes, if needed. My kids know how I cared for my parents in the past couple of years and they know my desires in terms of care and funerals. I'll have to remind them or readjust my requests as time goes on, since I'm only 60 now and have no expectations of any major crises in the near future now that my gallbladder is gone and no longer causing me issues with my pancreas. However, if something dreadful comes up in the near future, I feel like I can handle whatever comes after having been through it with my folks so recently.