What do you tell an elderly parent that wants to travel for the holidays?

I would say if he is cognitively able to travel, observe all the safety rules, quarantine for 5 days in a hotel and then get tested and wait for an “all clear”, and is willing to do the same on his return home, then tell him to knock his socks off. I know many people who are traveling, have several friends who are flight attendants and they say it is very safe.

My DD and her hubs live in CA. I have not seen her this year. And I won't. They won't travel and won't let us come to see them. It's been really hard--we also have kids in WA and same thing--haven't seen them all year and won't.

We're all in this together--maybe this pandemic will help us to think globally and not so selfishly.

We're just doing a very small Thanksgiving and Christmas with whatever of the 3 families here healthy. Then months from now we will have a full family blowout 'halfway to Hallowthanksmas'.

And yes, we are more than aware that our 90 year old mothers may very likely have had their 'last' traditional Christmas.

I agree with NYDaughter
If he can make ALL the arrangements himself he can make the trip.
BUT I would also add this, Tell him in advance that he will not be welcome in your house unless he quarantines in a hotel for 2 weeks. That means no leaving the hotel room for 2 weeks prior to visiting your house.
Also add that you are not having a large gathering and that no more than "X" number of people will be allowed in the house at a time and everyone will wear a mask and everyone will "social distance" this means no hugs, no kisses.
And I would remind him that if at anytime during the time he is visiting if ANYONE feels ill then he will not be allowed to visit.
Tell him that this year is not going to be the way anyone wants it. It is not going to be a large family gathering. It would be best to wait until the trip can be made safely.

Decide if you want him to visit for the holidays. It is your home and your life. He can not just "invite himself" into your home. Though, I would lean in the direction of making this happen if it was my mom (my LO with beginning dementia).

I agree with others to check with the facility about restrictions before making any plans. He may have to go through 2 weeks of quarantine when he comes back.

Is he "with it enough" to wear his face mask consistently, keep appropriate social distances, and wash his hands frequently or will he need a companion to travel with him to help him maintain these safeguards?

Does he have the finances to pay for round trip tickets for himself and a travel companion?

Since I have travelled via air during this pandemic, please be aware:
Airlines are enforcing mask rules rather strictly.
Planes are full -no empty seats.
On arrival to your home, to take a full shower (including washing hair).
On arrival to your home, to place "travel clothes" straight in the wash with a laundry sanitizer and laundry detergent.

If he can make **all** of his own travel plans then there's little you can do to stop him from coming to California. You can tell him that you will not be picking him up at the airport and that he will not be allowed to visit your home because of quarantine. Turn the tables on him and say "Dad, if you come to California and put me in the position of having to choose between seeing you and keeping my family safe I will choose to keep my family safe but I will get very depressed." See how he likes it.

You should first check where he is living and make sure he could even come back. At my moms place, if you leave you can’t come back. You have to give up your place. You could get him on Skype and share the holiday with him. Why’s he so far away? Any chance on moving him to a closer facility? I could not get in to see my. I’m for eight months, but I did visit with her everyday through her window. Maybe you could send 15 small gifts to the facility where he’s out and ask them to give your dad once each day leading up to Christmas and then have him open them by Skype.

There are travel restrictions for many states. This is a useful website. https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/us-state-travel-restrictions-covid-19/index.html CA does not currently have restrictions, but check the state your father lives in. Also check with your father's facility. They may not let him back in after the holidays if they don't have facilities to quarantine and test residents. He should not be traveling to another state at this time when the pandemic is raging across the country.

You tell him no. He cannot see California now; they have new restrictions so visiting and traveling is not what it was. Flying itself is not that risky although he will have to wear a mask. But getting to the airport, etc is more of a risk and he is then exposing all of you. The facility where he lives may have some quarantine rules as well so he would have to quarantine for 14 days when he gets back.

You did not cause Corona virus so no need to feel guilty; you will need to call him on that too. If he is living in IL on his own in an area where he has no other family, Christmas is just one day, What does he do the rest of the year? Lots of us are not seeing our families this year.

LIfe is depressing for all of us. Tell him no and that's that. COVID is spreading nationwide.

It’s really ridiculous to think we can have normal holidays like in the good old days. I find it interesting that Americans and others too, just do not want to sacrifice for the greater good. Can you imagine Brits saying they didn't feel like doing the black outs during the German's invasion? Yet, people act now like big babies when asked to wear a mask. You need to be blunt but kind. And by the way no one can MAKE anyone feel guilty. That’s on you if you accept it. Set boundaries and do what’s right for you. You’ve been given some good suggestions here.

Another question--Would you even be comfortable with having your father come stay with you over the holidays? Where is he coming from and what is the infection rate there compared to where you are? And of course there's the travel and potential exposure during that. You and your father haven't been in each other's "bubble" so you would be putting each other at risk unless he quarantined at a hotel or something like that. We have children and grandchildren who live nearby and we haven't been in each other's houses since March--and we are in a state with one of the lowest infection rates in the country. We visit outdoors, and even then we wear masks (easier than trying to make sure everyone stays far enough apart). We are for sure not loking forward to our northern winter!

Not sure how old your dad is. We have friends older than us, that have plenty of energy and are capable of flying independently.
If dad is capable, I say let him.
I would check flying and airline restrictions. Does California have restrictions? Also, will he have to quarantine when he returns?
Make sure Dad understands all that is required. Carpe diem. Happy holidays!

I'm in California. We've been a hotspot all along and Governor Newsom has been quick to close down targeted counties, if not the whole state.

With the virus on another rise yet again, and many numbers soaring higher than the original shut down parameters, the truth is that it isn't safe for compromised people to be able to travel here.

It is also a fact that there's really no serious distancing on airplanes, so there was already a high risk for exposure even before the covid numbers were on the rise.

Try to try to reason with Dad - - show him how the numbers are on the increase. If he can't be reasoned with, then you just have to tell him NO, that traveling right now is a hazardous idea that presents an unreasonable risk.

Pandemic paranoia runs deep. I saw one state TV ad that shows folks saying they are returning to doing all their normal things, just as safely as possible. How many good, active years does he have left? Time is ticking for all of us. A pandemic doesn't pause actuarial tables. I wouldn't deny him this pleasure. He may have very few pleasures at this stage. I would just explain what the government mandated safety requirements are now and if he still wants to go, just make sure he gets an aisle seat.

First off, they are now saying that flying is pretty safe as the air inside the plane is being recycled so often it's pretty pure. That only works as long as everyone on the plane is wearing a mask. As for the rest of the trip I'd say that you got a lot of good advice here.

I feel badly for the entire world with this pandemic but it doesn’t mean that I will compromise how I feel about the situation and nor should you.

Erase your guilt because the way I see it, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Of course you have empathy. So do I. Your dad will get through these tough times. We all will.

We must be smart. Your post has already shown that you are smart! Being cautious during these difficult and challenging times is very smart.

Your dad is blessed to have a very wise and caring daughter.

Take care.

Just learned today that California's considering restrictions on Thanksgiving holiday travel. No timeline or details available as of yet. Best to stay tuned, for possibilities may be limited.

If he's capable of understanding Covid and the effect it has had on the entire country, I think it's reasonable to tell him that you, too, are depressed that the holidays can't be like they usually are, but you're doing your part to keep the virus contained and you expect him to do the same.

That said, he's an adult, and if he's competent, I guess he can go where he wants. I think it's highly unlikely his place would let him waltz right back in again when he returns, so you might point out that he's going to be quarantined for 10-14 days and stuck in his own place until such time as his facility allows him to be in the general population again.

I think a lot of our older loved ones realize they "can't buy green bananas," so to speak, so holding off another year to do something isn't a guarantee they'll be around in a year. We can't acquiesce to every desire and want, but we need to be cognizant of the different perspective they're coming from. Remember, too, most of these people lived through the polio epidemic and lived before vaccines, and yet they've survived. They probably think the rest of us are a bunch of wimps. :-)

Amyjow, does your Dad understand that he would need to wear a face mask from the minute he gets into the airport, the whole flight, and into his destination airport? If he doesn't realize that, that might change his mind.

Also, there is no social distancing in the plane. All the passengers are placed next to each other. Hopefully his seat-mates and those in front of him and behind him don't have the virus.

You could say to Dad, "We have put off any celebrations until 2021, and we will surely invite you to come then, if you can just hold on awhile longer",
"We love you!".

Is it likely that your father is mentally capable of flying across the country? If your father does so, would he be accepted back into his care faciliity?
Is this "the disease talking" or is this something realistic that your father could actually plan and implement.
I think if the latter is the case I would make it clear to him that in Covid times that is not something you can allow, that depression may be an outcome and you would attempt to help him negotiate care for himself if that happens. That these are tough times with no easy answers, and sad times for so many, but sadly in this case the tough answer is that much you will miss him, he is not welcome to come visit.
What terribly sad and hard decisions we are all faced with now.

The “I’ll be depressed if you don’t take me there” is the equivalent of a little kid threatening to run away if Mom doesn’t get them the toy they want. Emotional blackmail and passive aggressive.

It’s not like everyone else can travel and he can’t. It’s hard for everyone. But the more people think the rules don’t apply to them, the longer this virus will last.

Tell him he doesn’t have to be depressed if he decides not to be! Making you responsible for his emotions is just manipulation.