My father is saying it is the biggest event of his life to come visit for Christmas and if he doesn’t come he will get very depressed. He is in an independent living facility that has been on lockdown during pandemic. He want to fly halfway across country to see California. Not necessarily us. I get it, he needs to get out. But he is not considering the risks flying of getting sick, then potentially giving it to us, the elderly, compromised person, who would give him a ride, not to mention bringing it back to facility where he lives. How do I make him understand it is not about him and we are all making sacrifices during the holidays and everyday? Not to mention the guilt he is placing on us to keep him from getting depressed if we don’t comply?
If your father is able to buy his own ticket and arrange his own transportation to and from the airport, then he is able to negotiate with the AL facility on how he can integrate back into their community.
In that case, your only decision is if you accept him into your home after traveling on a plane. You have the right to say that he cannot stay in your home or come over to visit to protect your family - and him.
If he is not able to coordinate all aspects of his trip and is reliant on you to coordinate the plans, the answer is "No, but..." and tell him all the ways Christmas can be special this year even when he is far away.
In this case, start planning what you can do, and what kind of visit you will have when the threat has passed.
Depending on the weather here in north Texas, I plan to bring Mom home for dinner on T-Day with my husband & me, but ONLY if we can enjoy the meal outside on the covered porch. It seems like the best accommodation... Fingers crossed it works out. Otherwise, I will stand firm and take her a homemade meal & pie.
That should be enough. Seriously, there is no reason in the world to allow this. No need for guilt either. I would feel guilty if I supported his delusional beliefs.
There is an extremely valid reason not to allow it. Life! When it’s a matter of life and death, the answer is a no brainer. Life over death!
I have a friend who just posted this yesterday:
"Is there a word for some next level irony... when you follow all the d*mn rules, stay away from friends and family for 9 months, wear a mask ALWAYS, wash your hands incessantly, keep your kids in virtual school.... and you get covid from your boss... the designated infection control officer?
Asking for myself, because I’m wrecked.
I’m ready to go to the hospital, holding off as long as I can because they are over run right now, and my kids surely also have it, so whoever they stay with will probably get it.
The typhoid Larry who gave this to me has offered to keep the girls and drive me there, because he feels so guilty right now because he came to work when he knew his wife had it, then proceeded to hold an hour meeting with me in a smallish office. We both had masks on, but come ON.
Wtf is wrong with people."
She is very sick right now, the hospital is full to capacity, so all she can do is get a video appointment with her doctor this afternoon and hopefully, some meds that likely won't help. NO meds helped my DD when she was quite ill with covid back in January. My friend has 2 small children who are now terrified of what's happening with their mother.
Just a reminder that my friend & her boss were BOTH WEARING MASKS and her boss was not symptomatic with the virus; his WIFE had it, not HIM.
Lay down the law with your father. He's better off being 'depressed' than dead this holiday season. It irritates the heck out of me how much importance people place on 'The Holidays', as if it's the be-all and end-all of LIFE for petesake
Stay safe. THAT is the #1 thing to do this 'holiday season'.
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IMO one thing to consider would be if he could remember to wear a mask properly. If not, that is a big risk to him and to you guys.
The isolation of covid on the elderly is cruel...the isolation of getting VERY sick and possibly dying alone in quarantine is very cruel. This pandemic creates some very hard choices. For me the latter is worse - for myself and my mom - so I act accordingly. Maybe get as many people online as possible to talk to your Dad on/around the holidays, and start talking about a blowout party as soon as the pandemic is over? Bombard him with contact and things in the mail in the meantime? I’m rambling but also thinking for myself here as well...make the most of a bad situation and try not to have it be worse?
Best of luck and I’m all ears on your solution!
PS like so many I have ( very easy) asthma BUT on the few occasions it turned on, it is so difficult to turn off. Days on end of lungs hurting and feeling like I can’t quite get a full breath is claustrophobic and rather unnerving. So for covid I imagine that feeling but many times worse ....I do not wish that experience on anyone, for that reason I am very cautious with this pandemic, for myself and my mother.
You posted earlier. Can you share what tests you are speaking of please?
It’s confusing. We keep hearing conflicting advice. I personally would be very cautious to be on a plane at this time because Covid cases are on the rise again. I most likely would not travel right now.
The last report I read about said the sanitized areas in an airplane last for a week. Who knows what is true. What have you heard?
Get him copies of news paper articles, copies of ehat ever local or state orders are in place. Get him data on the deadliness of Covid to Sr citsens
I know this may not be a popular suggestion, but it's worth at least a thought.
I dearly want to see them, however..., I believe I need to think of my own life (I have several lung issues), and the lives of my daughter and grandsons, plus those of my neighbors in the facility. I am also thinking of my daughter's grief if I die. So, I am going wait and see how things are before making my final decision. I may only go for Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, at least lessening my exposure. You might want to find out the rules at dad’s facility, and use those as a guideline. Also, you might ask yourself: would I rather incur dad’s wrath, or deal with his death? - or the death of one of your children?
From a larger perspective, as for having to talk with your dad about this, from my perspective, as the "aged" person, please empathize, with him. Do NOT tell him you understand, because you really don’t. Remember the words, “until you’ve walked in my shoes….”
And, also, as a former Minister, and Bereavement Specialist, please recognize that the isolation of Covid, in general, has been extremely difficult for us. Add that to the holidays, and it's very depressing. Like me, he may already be grieving many things: the loss of his home, the loss of family, and now comes the loss of family traditions.
A word of caution, if you decide he can’t come this year, do not promise that you’ll be together next Christmas. Most likely you’ll hear “but I may be dead then!” (We may be old, but we can still be manipulative”!) It would be far better to say “there will be other opportunities for us to get together.”
And, agree it will be disappointing and sad for you too. But love simply cannot overcome the potential danger of Covid.
Check with the facility to see what they are doing for the residents (not that this replaces family!) Can they help your family Zoom. My facility lets residents borrow a laptop to use and helps them set it up. (sometimes this needs to be scheduled in advance.) He is not the only one in this position. If he doesn't have a computer/laptop, could your family go together and buy a cheap model that would allow him to zoom?
Plan ahead for things to talk about. The following are questions that could be asked either before the holiday or when you're all together:
1. What would you miss the most about not gathering with family? If done when family is all gathered together, you might want to involve grandchildren. Family can talk about specific gifts. What about family games that were played? Did grandpa and Tommy always watch a sports game on TV. Can they do it now?
2. What are some of HIS favorite memories of Christmas (memories of when he and his wife hosted, or came to visit). If he has some dementia, ask about favorite Christmases when he was a child.
3. Recall Christmas “memories” of things that went wrong: when mom’s pie’s burned, the year Santa showed up in Atlanta when we went south to visit A. Lela?
4. Take a number of photos, and make a collage. Gather family memories and put in a scrapbook. Send it to him ASAP so he can look at it whenever he wants.
5. Have grandchildren write him letters about Christmas, etc.
6. If he was in the service, ask what that was like.
But, if he persists in coming, you are most certainly within your rights to set boundaries. Have him stay at a hotel and limit hours if needed. (And don't feel guilty! Too many times during this pandemic, caution as been thrown to the wind, and cases escalated!
Stay happy, healthy, and enjoy the holidays.
Even with mild dementia, air travel did not go well even with several family members with him. I cannot imagine how my father would have handled a trip alone. And during a pandemic? I wouldn’t advise it. FaceTime isn’t the same but it’s a better bet than a long trip.
I hope you can come to terms with this often-ugly disease. Wrapping my head around the harsh realities was the hardest thing for me.
Praying for peace for you both.
Your father's demand is unreasonable. We are living in a time akin to WWII, where sacrifices were necessary for YEARS. And you say you are elderly and immune compromised yourself.
I would tell father he's free to do what he pleases, but out of health concerns for yourself, you cannot provide local transportation or a place to stay or make other contact with him at this time. Until a vaccine is available.
There is a problem if he can't understand that he has been in lockdown for a pandemic. If he leaves, they may not allow him back until he guarantines for 14 days. Where is he going to go?
I agree, sorry Dad not this year. We are just staying home. You can plan a trip when things get better. Just keep saying No.
If he does not have a computer, or tablet and if you can, get him a tablet or IPad, so that you could do FaceTime calls. Even though that can be done on a cell phone. The tablet gives a much larger picture, so it seems more real. We having been doing that with my sister and family quite often. We have about 5 different connections at one time. It is so nice. We get to see families in different states. Update conversations together. See how the children are growing, laugh together. It is quite wonderful. Once he would have that I would think he would use it often.
If all of us (non-essentials) would have stayed put, completely, for the first lockdown, this could have ended long ago.
Every, “but I need to go ——-“ could cost tens to thousands of others their life.