What do you say to a family member who doesn't agree with your care of our loved one? They see them twice a year for maybe 5 days total.

It is so easy for others to be judgmental when the person being cared for is an “out of sight - out of mind” situation for them. You are doing great and kudos to your husband for cooperating knowing he has limitations. I would explain to your grandson and daughter that beyond it being not their decision, it is a safety concern for both you and your husband. After all, if he has an accident both of you could be hurt or killed. You could also wind up in litigation with any other parties who were injured. Perhaps they are missing their father/grandfather as he was but SO ARE YOU! Change is hard but you two have come to terms with it. They need to do the same.

lady, you and your husband are doing a great job with this. You might want to write your daughter and grandson a letter explaining that this is a mutual decision that you and your husband both agree on and why it works so well for you just like you explained to us. Then ignore anything they contradict with. They could be missing pieces of the puzzle. I want to know what is wrong with you doing the long distance driving?

You are doing great, your husband is fortunate to have a wife who understands and works with him in the capacity in which he is able. Your grandkids and your daughter don't understand what you are doing because she isn't around to see it, you don't have to defend yourself to kids, yours or hers. I don't know why people who don't know what they are talking about, or giving opinions on feel the need to pretend to know best how to do something they have no intention of doing. No one is asking them for anything, and it's none of their business, they need to just be grateful they can share time with their parents and grandparents. The little 22 yr. old with the nasty mouth and bad attitude, should have been told by his mother to shut up and apologize to his grandmother for putting his 2 cents in where it doesn't belong. I had a similar thing happen, my sister was on the phone in the car with her daughter while I was sitting in the passenger seat and my mother was in the back seat, the family decided that since they felt guilty for not coming and seeing her for the past 3 years, I wasn't good enough as her primary care giver, and it was time to put her into a nursing home. My mother did not want to live anywhere but in her home, which we had made sure accommodated her disabilities. My niece said in a voice and attitude of supremecy, that she thought that her Mom Mom would be far better off in a nursing home. I wanted to punch the cell phone so hard she would feel it on the other end. Who cares what a kid who hasn't seen her grandmother in about 3 yrs. feels would be best for her? I asked them all a question, "If you can't take the time out of your busy lives to come and see Mom at her own house, which was your house growing up, then what are the chances of you going to a nursing home to visit her?" I also answered for them, "NONE." Common sense on my part to figure the answer to that one out. It's a guilt thing, when people ask them about their mother, they have to lie or tell them that they haven't seen their mother and really don't know how she is. So, they don't want anyone to know that they are selfish and self-absorbed and don't want to be bothered with a disabled parent, and they use the nursing home idea to act as if they are doing something productive for their parents. As for you, I'm guessing they want to make you feel like your not making the right decisions for your own husband, so they can feel like they are doing something you can't. Learn to laugh at the jokes, not take them personal, cause that is what these arguments and negative comments to you are, just jokes in bad taste. Good Luck and have a nice night

Pretty stupid thing for people to get upset about. First its not their business who drives. You said something in passing that was ordinary small talk sounds like to me. First and foremost driving has to be SAFE. Instead of anyone yelling or an argument I would have said drive safely, get home safe. Simple thing.

Please don’t something that happened in just a minute or two, upset your happy family. Your grandson has apologised. Your daughter may have phoned other family members to talk about it, not to complain. “I thought Mom was nagging too much, but she thinks his condition is worse than we realised. Do you have any ideas yourself?” Chances are that unless all the family are morons, and least some of them will have said “If there is any doubt, he shouldn’t be driving”.

My younger daughter and I fell out over something more major than this, but once things go bad, it’s really difficult to get back to happy tolerance. You are probably overtired and fairly sensitive yourself – you expected support, not criticism. Try and put it behind you. Don’t dwell on it, just pretend nothing happened. My problems with my daughter have now gone on for years, and have been much worse than the original problems. Don’t let it happen to you. Please!

Gramela;

Is it possible that both you daughter and grandson were shocked by the decline in your husband, since they hadn't seen him in a while?

It sounds like you've cleared the air with your grandson; I hope your get-together goes well.

You say your daughter has called folks to "get her story out there".

What do you know about what she's told people? Are folks calling you with upsetting versions of what she says happened?

What is your husband's current diagnosis? Has never be diagnosed with or evaluated for Vascular Dementia, which is pretty common after a stroke?

Maybe the time has come to share more about what's going on with your family, especially whoever you've assigned as Power of Attorney.

It sounds like they haven’t realized the extent of his problems. No excuse for the manner in which they expressed this. I would see how things go the next time. Might drop them a line discussing his fatigue and how the two of you agree about how to manage things in private. Wouldn’t hesitate to tell them it is a difficult time for you two. Unforeseen attacks just add to the pain. If it happens again, I might avoid contact. In fact, you might say you can’t manage unpleasantness and if it can be expected, best not get together even one more time. I would tell them that as calmly as possible. Sorry for the hard time you had when hoping for support.

Disconnect immediately.

I have to ask: Where's your husband's voice in all this? I get the feeling that he is doing fairly well cognitively, since he is able to drive. Is that so? So if he can understand, and if he can talk, why isn't he defending you? And himself? All that was needed was for HIM to speak up and tell grandson, and daughter that : "We got this !" He should tell them that: "Since it's just the two of us most of the time, we're dealing with it together. So leave it be," To make clear that he has been part of these decisions. And it would have been nice if he told them to show you a little respect. ....And if he's not congitively with it enough to understand that, then the entire driving idea may need to be revisited.

Gramela, it looks like a lot of our group are pretty upset with your daughter and granddaughter! Mother's and daughters, though, we sure tend to push each other's buttons! At least my daughter and I do.

Anyway, in an ideal world, (and this is something both my daughter and I are working on) we are trying to think of the other's feelings, count to ten, and then try to keep the conversation short and hopefully kind. Or like the old saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say...anyway, we are working on that.
So, reading your post you can tell how hurt you are. I wonder, though, if your grandson and daughter are just terribly worried about their dad's health, and it is easier to blame you for his problems rather than face the fact that he is truly in bad shape, and they just can't handle their own fear of what might happen to Dad. It seems like kids will blame mom for a lot of things, even though we have spent our lives taking care of THEM, while dad is often the friendly one.
Well, guess I am rambling. Try to let it go. Take a break and take care of yourself. You know your daughter loves you. It is frightening watching your parents grow old!

With all due respect, your husband should not be driving. If he get into an accident and hurts someone and they sue, his medical records will probably be subpoenaed and with what you have told us, they could win and take everything you have. My husband's specialist told him that.

You stated that he "only" drives up to 2 miles from home. Please read the results of this research. "Back in 2001, Progressive insurance conducted research with over 11,000 people & found that over 52% of reported crashes occurred within five miles from home and 77% of accidents occurred within a 15-mile distance. Two decades later, the latest accident statistics from the NHTSA paints a pretty similar picture."

How you get him to stop is something I have no ideas on. My husband failed the written test several times and when the doctor told him the above, he quit and wanted the grandson to have the truck. I had it off the property within 2 hours.

gramela: Perhaps he shouldn't be driving at all.

Seems to me you should see about getting POAs [finance and health] so see an eldercare attorney to get them done, Then talk with his doctor to determine what kinds of activities are right or wrong for your husband, Seems like he should be using a walker. With the kidney problem, has anyone talked about dialysis?

As for your family, based on what you said in other notes, it seems that some sanity has returned, I do think it would be good for you to sit down with your daughter [and any other children] to talk about your husband's health. It would be helpful for them to pitch in and help you both out. My guess is that you and your husband are stressed out and can use some help.

From your description of his condition, I am surprised that he is driving at all. You should probably talk with his physician about that, and maybe have the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever it is in your state) give him a driving test. If they take his license, then they're the bad guys, not you, and you both might be safer with only you driving.

I can relate to your situation. The difference in my case is that my 93YO mother lives with us and is constantly complaining to other family members that we are mistreating her: wont let her out of her room, wont let her outside, etc.. None of which is true. The probem is the other family members believe every word she says and some of them have never even been to our home. Reacting with anger only escalates the situation and reinforces the belief that we are mistreating her. With as much patience I can muster I answer back that there are two sides to every story and not one of them has bothered to ask us anything without first throwing stones. If they are that concerned, they can visit or take care of her themseves. In your case, I agree with Usedup1959 and should invite your daughter/grandson to stay for a while to see the situation for themselves before jumping to conclusions. Sounds like you are doing a great job. I know it is hard but don't let what others say bring your down especially when they have never walked in your shoes.

I think you should have your daughter and grandson stay with you for a week or two. Perhaps this will give them a clue.

You say don’t bother me your advice is now welcome.

First of all, it's none of their business who does the driving. Secondly, when your daughter jumped in the mix and started berating you about the driving, you should have back-handed her one in the mouth. You don't let the kids disrespect you like that no matter how old they are. Your husband should speak up to both and tell them that it's his decision not to do the driving and that it's really none of their business or anyone else's.
I'm impressed that your husband is willing to admit that he has some limitations and is not arguing about continuing to drive everywhere. So many others don't and keep up the asinine 'stubbornness' and expect their families to support it even when it becomes a threat to their safety and everyone else's. So credit to your husband for that.

Caregivers and those that are not caregivers on this scale, are on different planets.
You spoke from the heart. Could you send your post to those relatives?

I use to get disappointed that people didn't get it, but how could anyone unless they're neck deep in this quicksand. It's not almost impossible, it is absolutely impossible.

I have the impression that because your 22 grandson went from zero to 80 miles an hour, (first of all, how dare he) and then your daughter ganged up rather than redress the little turd, there is more than meets your narrative here.

Disrespect is a big issue in your family and has been permitted for a long, long time. Who allowed this? Who has door-mat printed on their forehead. Who has told others that they can feed you even an atom of this kind of behavior? That should've been nipped in the bud way back even before any child could speak, even before speech when they showed disrespectful body language. Nip, nip, nip.

I learned recently that in Japanese educational system the first 3 years of school is not to judge the child's knowledge, or learning, but to establish good manners and to develop their character.

You seem like a kind, thoughtful, and gentle person. You may need to toughen up a little. You are due an apology. They seem like stinkers. I'd keep my mouth shut until they do apologize. What have you got to lose or miss out on, more disrespect?

If you must, talk about only pleasant superficial things. If they hit you with anymore garbage you can only blame yourself for putting yourself in harms way.

You ask - What do you say to a family member who doesn't agree with your care of our loved one?
I'd tell 'em that they could "p**p" in their hat. The person with the knowledge, the responsibility, the worry, the work, the expense, the time, the sleepless nights, is the only, only person who has the right and the say. Stop asking permission. Stop talking about important stuff to people who give you absolutely, positively no support. You are a power house. More and more you are becoming the sole captain of you and your husband's ship. Increasingly, as you know, your man will be depending on your strength. Get your mind right on this matter. You are the chief.

I hated that role reversal. I'm old fashioned. I was old fashioned. Now I'm a look dead in your eye, bull headed (when needs be), head held up higher, don't even try to use words with the letter "B" or "S" anywhere in it let alone BS me, kind of force. He depends on me to protect the realm.

My peace of mind, my health, my not-feeling-like-a-wounded-helpless-peeper, again, my peace, and my control, my not giving a flip is terribly important.

The hardest part of family members interfering is that they usually have no idea what it takes to be the caregiver. It’s the most irrational thing they could do. My advice is to remember you can’t change them, or explain it to them. If they wanted to really know they would be around a lot more. They don’t want to know and most likely are appeasing their conscience by interfering. Most important don’t take anything they say or do personally. It’s all about them and not about you! Easy advice to give but the hardest thing to do. Your the caregiver you deserve a big pay on the back nothing more from those not actually giving the care

Wow! Just wow! It’s none of their business what you and your husband do! Sounds like he should not be driving at all. There comes a time when you have to drop your pride for the safety of others.

I cant add much to these answers. Youve gotten great advice. I was in denial about my Dad until I began taking care of him. If you were denying your husband when he wanted to drive, I could see them perceiving that incorrectly. If he will, have your husband explain to them that HE doesnt sometimes feel safe driving, and offer for them to come to the dr. and be a part of the solution. I have found that when people overreact like that, they are scared and confused. Alao, they are young, but do owe you an apology. Maybe that will open doors to communication.

Ma'am: you tell them to sit all the way down. Until they are POA and willing to assume caring for him, they have no voice. And make it stick.

Do what you think is necessary for his safety, and the well being of the neighborhood around you.

The grandson and your daughter need a reality check. The grandson/daughter should accompany you and your husband to one of his Dr appts. Have the Dr explain why he can’t safely drive anymore. Have your husband say why he prefers you to drive. Why didn’t your husband state so during this incident?

Grandson means well, but clearly has no real understanding of the situation. Young people, (esp men) think they and everyone else are indestructible. He just sees his gramps being treated like an invalid and doesn’t want to accept the situation.

If daughter and grandson persist, invite them to come to the Drs with you guys. It’s very easy to “armchair quarterback”. If they won’t/can’t have the Dr put it in writing and show it to them. See if you can get a conference call with the Dr his assistant or nurse.

Mind you, all of this is none of their business and you’d only be doing it to try and get them to understand in order to lay off you.

I've seen this happen so many times when people who only see their family members on rare occasions question the care of someone who is very close and in daily contact with the person who needs care. Don't take it personally. It's easy to be a critic - hard to be the one who is doing the day-to-day caregiving. It sounds like the children and grandchildren are in denial about your husband's actual state. You and your husband agree, and you have a working arrangement. That's what matters. I say this to everyone. Make sure that your paperwork is in order and that you both have set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters. It's also good to have a second person on the list in case the first person can't do it. You'll both also need living wills with your advance medical directives, and wills, if you have assets (a house, cars, financial, etc.). Also, the POA should be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak with them on behalf of the other person. Most banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. You may need an attorney to help with these legal documents. If needed, connect with a local social worker who can perhaps recommend pro bono attorneys who specialize in elder law. Having clear legal documents makes it easier, if there comes a time when you have to take complete control of the caregiving, finances and medical decisions. All the best to you, your husband and family.

Deal with them as best as you can dealing with anyone in a tantrum.

Remain calm and speak using a soft voice with a steady volume. Do not increase your volume or move closer to them during their tirade. Repeat an appropriate mantra.

Talk in a gentle tone (like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars when he says, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” If you haven’t seen that movie look up a video clip of that line in You Tube.”).

Keep your gestures and tone rather robotic. Restrain from any aggressive or defensive response regardless of their behavior.

One mantra could be

“Your grandfather and I decide together who drives.”
(Say it 5 times, just like that, back-to-back, while they are screaming, if you need)

Another mantra
“We are working together with a competent medical team. Thank you for your concern.”

These actions will disarm them and they will appear ridiculous.

They are in denial and don’t understand caregiving. With help from people like that, you need an extra vacation! Keep up the good work!

Your daughter should also apologize for her behavior. I don't think it is safe for your husband to continue driving.

They should mind thier own d*** business and your grandchild should not be disrespectful like that, including your daughter..

you are wrong to let someone with all those things wrong get behind the wheel