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My husband had a hemorraghic stroke 9 yrs ago.. He was very mobile at first but now has become completely deaf (he got a cochlear implant) but his balance is terrible. Stumbles and falls frequently and will only use a cane. He has several conditions with his eyes...some days he sees well others not so much. He is starting to have some short term memory moments. He also has kidney disease as a result of his kidneys shutting down immediately after his stroke.
We recently had a family get together. We brought our boat on a trailer behind our truck to the lake. I spoke with my husband before we went about maybe letting me drive since it tires him out so much and he agreed with no arguments. So the day we were about to head home I made the comment to my daughter that I hoped he would be ok with me driving home... My husband and I had not discussed it. But our 22-yr-old grandson heard me and screamed and me That I should let him drive his own damn freaking truck. I told him he had no idea what he was talking about & then his Mother (our daughter) jumped in the mix... I told them they don't live with us & really don't have a clue how we mange his care.
My husband and I have gotten into a good place about his driving... He usually asks me to drive when we go anywhere together. And he drives short distances to Walmart, Lowes, grocery, dry cleaners which are all within 1.5 miles of our house.
Apparently they have decided that I am the mean old woman and have forbidden him to drive... which I have never said or done... He has restricted his own driving, which was a huge blessing that I didn't have to bring up that topic. Which makes me know that he realizes his limitations and we have settled into a rhythm on the driving... for now. And now the whole blow up is my fault... Very disheartening when you are doing your very best and every waking moment is making sure all our ducks are in a row and to have someone lash out this way...
Thanks for letting me vent and any suggestions will be welcome. Thanks so much.

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'But our 22 yr old grandson heard me and screamed and me That I should let him drive his own damn freaking truck.'

The issue is with the 22 year old's manners - plain and simple. On what's his business, the language he uses, his tone of voice, and lack of respect for his elders.
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HibiscusGirl Jul 2022
I agree, to me that was the whole issue...my daughter says its my fault because I answered him...If she had called him out on his behavior it would have all been over...Thanks for your answer so much
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I will restrain from posting the words that come to mind to describe what I think of your daughter and your grandson. The topic of an elderly, person who has multiple problems, yet is still allowed to drive, is a very hot topic for me. I will, AGAIN, post what happened to my 2 oldest children 29 years ago. My oldest son, and my only daughter went to the same school. They were coming home after school, when an old man pulled out from a side street, and into my son's lane. My son swerved hard to avoid t-boning the old man and his wife, on the old woman's side. He went over the curb and hit a large tree close to the road. If our 16 year old daughter had not been wearing her seat belt, she would have gone through the windshield and hit the tree head first. She had horrible bruises on her chest and shoulder from the seat belt. Our son only had minor injuries to his knee that hit the steering column. The old man pulled over, stared for a few moments at what he had done, then drove off. In the meantime, our daughter had written down his license number. The police did track the old man down and charged him. We didn't find out if they yanked his license away. Our children sustained only minor injuries. The old woman was not killed, thanks to our son. Our son's Camaro was totaled. To this day, our daughter still has PTSD from that accident. It's really hard for her to ride as a passenger in a car.
We almost lost 2 of our 3 children because of a selfish old man who had no business being behind the wheel.
Hope your husband doesn't kill anyone before he stops driving.
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Hugs, Gramela. Sounds like you're making really sensible decisions. Maybe you could something like, "Since I'm with Grandpa 24/7, I know what his capabilities are. You see him for 4 or 5 days a year. Ask him yourself, or mind your own business and if you raise your voice to me again like that, it will be the end of our relationship." Because seriously, do you want someone like that in your life? As for your daughter, tell her until she starts giving respite care to her dad for a few weeks a year so you can recharge, she's in no position to weigh in.
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Your job is to learn how to totally ignore criticism based on fantasy. I’d be livid at your grandson, but you won’t persuade him by arguing.

If you want, you an try “I’ll give your opinion some thought” (then forget it).

But if your husband would consider taking a driving assessment, maybe offered by AARP, you’d be in a better position to decide if he should be driving or maybe shouldn’t be.

If the vision issues are in any way progressive, a baseline evaluation may be useful for you for your (his) records, if nothing else.

Sounds like you and he are definitely attempting to take care of things in a straightforward way. Good for you both.
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If he had a stroke & has trouble hearing & tires easily, he should not be driving at all. Grandson is disrespectful & should apologize.You are under no obligation to discuss private medical issues concerning your husband with no nothing grandson. Your daughter should have defended you. She’s just as stupid & disrespectful.
Hugs 🤗
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What a 22 yo male knows about senior issues can be put in a thimble.

What you and your husband do is none of his or his mother's business.

I do not tolerate disrespect and would not deal with them anymore. You do not need to deal with their abstract stupidity.

They offer no support so forget about them, they are toxic.
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HibiscusGirl Jul 2022
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I did neglect to say that my grandson did come hug me apologize and ask for forgiveness...before we all went home our separate ways.. His mom, our daughter just made excuses for him. Had she told him his actions were not right...that would have been the end but then she jumped on me,,,I have been at this for 9yrs now and this is the first time anything like this has happened...hope its the last. thanks again.
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They should mind thier own d*** business and your grandchild should not be disrespectful like that, including your daughter..
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The lady I cared for has a sibling.The sibling has always been catered to and is accustomed to playing other people like a fiddle and getting her way. Sibling had a LOT to say about how I was caring for her sister. Most of what sibling had to say to me fell into one of these categories:
1. Why aren't you "letting" Bertha do "xyz?" Don't you care about her dignity?

2. Why are you "making" Bertha do "abc?" She shouldn't be doing THAT herself.

The answer to question #1 is always "Because we tried that and it's not safe for her to do that. I'm accountable if she gets hurt, so it's MY call."

The answer to question #2 is "Bertha is perfectly capable of performing that task and her doctor agrees."

Repeat as necessary. There were times when I provided additional details to assist with understanding and try to keep the peace, but you're not obligated to keep a non-caregiving person in the loop. They really don't know what they don't know.
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HibiscusGirl Jul 2022
Very good ideas...I plan to write letters to them when I can get my thoughts together. thank you so much.
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I’d say to the person who is complaining that they step up and take the responsibility so I can get on with my life. Otherwise shut up.
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First, your husband is doing remarkably well after this type of stroke. My mother was completely devastated by one and never made much of any recovery so I’m very pleased for you both. And he’s blessed to have you looking out for him. You’ll never get others who aren’t involved in the daily caregiving to understand, simply not possible until they live it also. I hope you can make peace with the knowledge that you’re doing a great job and it’s okay for others not to get it
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HibiscusGirl Jul 2022
Thank you...He really had a remarkable miracle of a recovery...after 40 days in the hospital...they told me he would have no quality of life...For 3 years he golfed, fished, yard work, not the way he did before but still active ...but he had a lot of damage to his body and all those places that shutdown during his bleed began to fail, months later. He has been fairly stable except for his eyes and ears in the last few years.
I need to realize and accept what you are saying about them not understanding.....it was just such a shock because they had never said one word in all these years. Thanks again...hugs and prayers
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