What do you say to a dementia patient who demands to be taken home 6 months after being moved into a residential facility?

Telling her the 'truth' is only going to fuel the fire! When you are dealing with someone with dementia all the rules change. Where does she sleep? In a chair? In another bed?

Why not 'type' a letter to your MIL from your ex(FIL) asking her to be patient and make herself at HOME in the place she is at, until he can get there an visit. Add something 'creative' like the fact that he is away on business, and perhaps (if he is still alive) why not have HIM call her and ask her how she is doing.

This may seem deceitful, but it really isn't. She is not living in the same reality as 'we' are anymore, and her reality is very different now.

I still think family should visit, and bring things for her to do, or take her 'outside' or play 'bingo with her and try to get her involved in the activities at the facility.

How does the doctor/nursing staff say she is doing? If they are well versed in caring for dementia patients, they should be working with you on trying to get her acclimated.

How well is your family versed in Dementia issues and behaviors? There are many great books that can help you learn how to talk to individual with dementia. "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's: A Groundbreaking Approach for Everyone Dealing with the Disease by Joanne Koenig Coste and Robert Butler" will get you and your family a good head-start in dealing with the challenges you will face.

Please take the time to make her feel comfortable in her new surroundings. God Bless.

I agree with 195Austin. If she really is that adamant about wanting to be taken home, telling her about her condo sale will only make her dig in, and may make her paranoid about others stealing from her.

Only if you feel comfortable doing so, back off for a brief spell, then go see her. Do that a few times and see what happens, whether she is worse, or starting to re-direct her focus to things in the nursing home.

Does she have enough things she can enjoy during the day? Ask the staff whether she does the same with them and what they tell her when she asks.

My mom is pretty easy compared to your m-i-l so I say this with understanding that it may not work for her. I have a journal in her room and on three occassions I have written "short" notes letting her know a truth. I don't make an issue of it but just leave it where I know she will read it. Not perfect but it seems to help her. eg: Last week you had surgery on your leg for a wound. We brought you here because it was so severe the Doctor was concerned you could get an infection and possibly loose your leg. You are here to recuperate. God Blessed us as your wound is healing well.

I have struggled with this same issue for the past 6 weeks (that's how long my mother has been in assisted living). She has vascular dementia/alzheimers but still has some lucid moments. I hated the fact that she thought if she just got better, she could go home. She woke up everyday thinking she would be released to go home. Yesterday, she was very alert, so I spent 2 hours talking to her about what was wrong with her and why she needed to stay in assisted living. She had no memory of how bad things were when she was living at home, alone. She didn't remember that she wanted to go home even when she was at home. It turns out that one of her major concerns is the cost of assisted living so we discussed that and I let her know that everything would be fine financially. Now she may not remember any of that conversation today, but it certainly made me feel a lot better. We even talked about her wishes regarding feeding tubes and life support. Although I was advised not to discuss her illness with her, I believe she has the right to know. Now when I have to tell her she can't go home, at least I know that at some point she was aware of the reasons.

This sure sounds like a challenge all right. If I were you, I would talk to the administrators and nurses over at the facility where your MIL is and together come up with some solutions. There has to be a way to get your MIL to calm down. As someone else said here, dementia does change the rules and you need to be creative to care for the patient and "keep the peace" , so to speak. On the other hand, sometimes the peace just can't be kept and the loved one receiving care has to find out the truth. I really don't know whether you ought to tell your MIL you sold the condo. That would be a good question to ask a professional at her facility, and get his/her opinion. They should be aware of her behaviors and what is going on. Good luck with this.

When my mother-in-law was in the nursing home for rehab with a broken hip, she would constantly talk about going back home. All her doctors decided because of the dementia and terrible eyesight from macular degeneration, she could NEVER live alone again. We used to pussy foot around all the time and try to put her off the idea of going back home, but finally I had to just put it out there and tell her that she can NEVER go home again. She cried for a few days, but finally excepted it. Even now after 6 months in asst living, she still mentions that she sure would like to go home again, but she always adds that she knows she can't. Then again my m-i-l is pretty pliable and agreeable (most of the time). So maybe we got lucky.

Unfortunately, her family physician retired and she refuses to listen to the doctors at the facility. She insists that she is well enough to go home and live with her husband. However, her husband moved out almost a year ago and moved in with one of his children. Their divorce was final 6 months ago and he has had no contact with her since then. She thinks they "remarried" and he is waiting for her to come home.

We understand her anger since it was not her decision to move into the facility. We tried for months to convince her to either get a LifeAlert, let someone stay with her, or move into assisted living, but she refused. Her fourth fall left her on the floor all night, unable to reach the telephone, and barely conscious when my brother-in-law arrived the next morning. It resulted in a week-long hospital stay, a month in rehab, a failed attempt at assisted living, another week in the hospital and finally the memory care unit. My husband described it as waiting for a train wreck to happen and being unable to stop it.

We appreciate your suggested "answers". We tried similar distractions a few months ago and encouraged her to get involved with the group activities. After some initial success, she reverted back to her old behaviors. She is determined that she is going home and spends most of her time sitting in her room waiting for someone to come pick her up.

We live 400 miles away and have been trying to visit monthly. However, the last visit ended with her being verbally abusive to my husband and he did not visit her again before we returned home. We appreciate all the suggestions we've received and we will keep trying to find some way to reach out to her while she still remembers who we are.

That is a great idea to write down things for her to read when alone and mayve feeling scared-I had not heard of that before and it would probably work well for other-this is a great site for helping to share concerns and troubles but also things that can work.

@momlover - I read your comment and I think this is an excellent idea to write things down because when you leave the room they will pick it up and read it (hopefully) I just wanted to say I thought your suggestion is great! It gave me something to think about. Thank you!

My mother-in-law also has macular degeneration and early dementia and doctors recommended 24/7 care after her 4th fall in less than a year. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is used to getting her way and she refused to accept it. After she was moved into assisted living, she went on a hunger strike and had to be hospitalized. We think she assumed that if she refused to eat, they would have to let her go home. Instead, she was moved to the memory unit. When a family member visits, she assumes they are there to take her home. When we try and explain that she needs to stay there, she becomes angry and says very hurtful things. We need to know if there is a way to help her move past this so family visits will be less stressful.