What do you do when you start becoming resentful for having your mom in your home?

Some assisted living facilities allow pets.

The facilities here allow volunteers to bring animals for the residents to enjoy spending time with. They love their furry friends!

If an assisted living facility isn’t an option please look into private or agency caregivers so you can have time for yourself.

The Assisted Living place my mother lives at accepts dogs. It's like a nice hotel and a great place for elders to socialize and participate in activities. Don't look for reasons your mother 'can't' live in AL, but for reasons she CAN. Living with resentment isn't good for either of you. Feeling that an elder 'must' live with a family member is outdated thinking, really, and doesn't wind up benefitting anyone, in most cases.

I made the decision long ago that no elders would be living in my home, and I've stuck to my guns. I saw how it wrecked all the relationships in our home to have my grandmother living with us when I was a child, and vowed to never repeat that fiasco as an adult in my own home.

If you hire a caregiver to come into your home, your mother would be paying for it, number 1. Number 2, that person wouldn't be 'sitting around' but would be doing light housekeeping and tending to your mother's needs. Which would allow YOU to get OUT of the house and go golfing or do something you'd like to do. Whatever the cost, it's cheap at the price, and should be done on a regular basis several times a week at a bare minimum if you refuse to get her into Assisted Living.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan to make YOUR life more enjoyable and less resentful

dear neeres

Get caregiver assistance; go to counseling; ask your mother lots of questions and record her because, if she was a good mother, you would want to share these memories.

I found a caregiver who comes in from 10-5, Wed-Sat. When interviewing, I made it clear that I was not only looking for a caregiver for my mother (93 w/vascular dementia), but someone to help with housekeeping and other chores. I work from home, so it was a blessing to find someone willing to care for my mom while I worked AND who would help me keep up the house. It's been almost a year, and that was the one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mom loves the caregiver, and I am much more relaxed knowing that my mom (and house!) are well cared for. If I need to run out for an appointment, go to the pharmacy, or even take a break and take my dog for a walk, I can do that without worry. Are there times when my caregiver is idle? Sure. But there are also times where she will start dinner, stay later/come earlier, and take care of my pets. So for us it works out, and a bit of idle time is a small price to pay for peace of mind. Sending hugs....

I’m sure it varies by place and facility but maybe someone could be hired to walk the dogs so she could have them at an AL that allows them? My answer to your original question is, you don’t keep her living in your home. Just because the original plan for her didn’t work out and no one else is ready or willing to have her move in doesn’t mean the best thing for any of you is for her to stay in what was to be a temporary situation, even if it ends up meaning her dogs can’t live with her. But I wouldn’t take that as a given and she just might be far happier “on her own” again too so I would urge you to do more leg work in fining out the options for her in the area, talk to people who do this in the area, she can’t be the only elder in your area that has beloved animals who keep her happy.

If having her living with you is what you’ve decided will be, definitely have a helper come in. My dad was very concerned that someone coming in would have nothing to do. Instead she was busy all the time, meal prep, taking him on errands and to appointments, reading to him, the list goes on. It’s was a great blessing to all of us

ALs only allow animals IF the resident can care for them. That would mean walking and feeding them. Not a staff members responsibility. But I think that would be your best choice.

Just curious and u don't have to answer...but since Mom is 90 her sister must be up there too? Who thought that she could care for ur mother?

Having someone into your home,, they would not be doing nothing,, they would be giving you a break to go golf and be outside! You deserve this, so don;t look it at as nothing,, you deserve it for your mental health!

It may well be devastating to your mom to give up her dogs.

You matter, too.

As you know MM is a hard diagnosis. It can limit the time YOU have left on this earth. Should you be a prisoner in your home because of dogs?

AL can provide things that may fill in that empty spot that the dogs leave. Friends. Activities. Neither of which YOU have time for now, as a prisoner in your home.

Your mom has lived her life. She could live another 10 years. Do those 10 years have to be lived as a captive?

Stress kills. Some caregivers die before their loved ones.

Consider placement. Then, you can enjoy your life, and go back to being a daughter, and a visitor to your Mom.

Best wishes to you.

I have not found any AS that allow dogs. Her dogs are both less than 10 lbs.

How old are the dogs?

Many assisted living facilities allow dogs.

If mom has the funds to pay for AL, getting a Senior Housing Advisor or registering with a place like A Place For Mom can be a good way to get someone else to do the legwork to find places that will accept animals.