A temporary situation looks like it may be long term. My 90 year old mother was supposed to go live with her sister, then her sister suffered a stroke and my mother is now living with us. I had to remove her from her home because she could no longer live on her own. She is ok for a few hours at a time, but her vision is bad, she gets confused, so I cannot leave her for more than an hour or two. I am becoming very resentful, and feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. I am 70 and up to this point was an avid golfer and enjoyed being outside. I have multiple myeloma (cancer) and although doing well, I want to be able to enjoy what time I have left. Putting her in Assisted Living is really not an option, she has two small dogs and taking those away from her would be devastating. We have three dogs of our own. I guess I could look into having someone come into our home, but basically they would just be sitting around. I hate feeling resentful, but it is stressing me out. I have a sister, but she lives 12 hours away and has health issues of her own. My husband is still working fulltime and although a great help, cannot be a caregiver. Any advice would be welcomed.
I made the decision long ago that no elders would be living in my home, and I've stuck to my guns. I saw how it wrecked all the relationships in our home to have my grandmother living with us when I was a child, and vowed to never repeat that fiasco as an adult in my own home.
If you hire a caregiver to come into your home, your mother would be paying for it, number 1. Number 2, that person wouldn't be 'sitting around' but would be doing light housekeeping and tending to your mother's needs. Which would allow YOU to get OUT of the house and go golfing or do something you'd like to do. Whatever the cost, it's cheap at the price, and should be done on a regular basis several times a week at a bare minimum if you refuse to get her into Assisted Living.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan to make YOUR life more enjoyable and less resentful
hug!! :)
dear nerees,
sending you hugs too!! :)
i just want to say, that 1 problem we’ve run into with caregivers is stealing. this means we can’t leave the caregivers alone in the house.
we don’t have cameras in the house. that might be a solution for some people.
we have several rooms.
without permission, caregivers go into other rooms, when we’re at an angle where it’s hard to see what they’re doing. medical equipment has gone missing daily (they take extra gloves, etc.).
they often open drawers, to check for valuables.
we changed caregivers many times. it’s happened with almost every caregiver.
one caregiver stole new clothes.
it’s not easy. if you can find competent and honest home caregivers, good!
courage and strength!!
bundle of joy :)
Now it's a pleasure having my Mom with me because I'm not the one TRYING to care for her when I really can't.
Get some hired help and you will feel a lot better.
Best wishes to you and your Mom.
If all of you have been vaccinated for covid, I see no reason why this cannot work. You feel like a prisoner now, just wait til a YEAR of this has passed!
You are a prisoner in your own home. You are becoming resentful because you're giving more than you have to give. Don't feel guilty about that.
Your life is more important than your mother's dogs. Put her in assisted living or a nursing home. Visit her often. Be very active in her life and her care, but do it.
Everyone will be better off for it. You, your husband, and your mother. The two of you will get your home and life back and your mom will get one of her own because she'll be around other people and will have activities to do.
See All Answers