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A temporary situation looks like it may be long term. My 90 year old mother was supposed to go live with her sister, then her sister suffered a stroke and my mother is now living with us. I had to remove her from her home because she could no longer live on her own. She is ok for a few hours at a time, but her vision is bad, she gets confused, so I cannot leave her for more than an hour or two. I am becoming very resentful, and feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. I am 70 and up to this point was an avid golfer and enjoyed being outside. I have multiple myeloma (cancer) and although doing well, I want to be able to enjoy what time I have left. Putting her in Assisted Living is really not an option, she has two small dogs and taking those away from her would be devastating. We have three dogs of our own. I guess I could look into having someone come into our home, but basically they would just be sitting around. I hate feeling resentful, but it is stressing me out. I have a sister, but she lives 12 hours away and has health issues of her own. My husband is still working fulltime and although a great help, cannot be a caregiver. Any advice would be welcomed.

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I found a caregiver who comes in from 10-5, Wed-Sat. When interviewing, I made it clear that I was not only looking for a caregiver for my mother (93 w/vascular dementia), but someone to help with housekeeping and other chores. I work from home, so it was a blessing to find someone willing to care for my mom while I worked AND who would help me keep up the house. It's been almost a year, and that was the one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mom loves the caregiver, and I am much more relaxed knowing that my mom (and house!) are well cared for. If I need to run out for an appointment, go to the pharmacy, or even take a break and take my dog for a walk, I can do that without worry. Are there times when my caregiver is idle? Sure. But there are also times where she will start dinner, stay later/come earlier, and take care of my pets. So for us it works out, and a bit of idle time is a small price to pay for peace of mind. Sending hugs....
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Reply to JanEllen
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disgustedtoo Apr 20, 2021
You need to find a way to clone this caregiver, like a million clones!!!
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The Assisted Living place my mother lives at accepts dogs. It's like a nice hotel and a great place for elders to socialize and participate in activities. Don't look for reasons your mother 'can't' live in AL, but for reasons she CAN. Living with resentment isn't good for either of you. Feeling that an elder 'must' live with a family member is outdated thinking, really, and doesn't wind up benefitting anyone, in most cases.

I made the decision long ago that no elders would be living in my home, and I've stuck to my guns. I saw how it wrecked all the relationships in our home to have my grandmother living with us when I was a child, and vowed to never repeat that fiasco as an adult in my own home.

If you hire a caregiver to come into your home, your mother would be paying for it, number 1. Number 2, that person wouldn't be 'sitting around' but would be doing light housekeeping and tending to your mother's needs. Which would allow YOU to get OUT of the house and go golfing or do something you'd like to do. Whatever the cost, it's cheap at the price, and should be done on a regular basis several times a week at a bare minimum if you refuse to get her into Assisted Living.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan to make YOUR life more enjoyable and less resentful
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Reply to lealonnie1
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bundleofjoy Apr 19, 2021
hi lea :),

hug!! :)

dear nerees,

sending you hugs too!! :)

i just want to say, that 1 problem we’ve run into with caregivers is stealing. this means we can’t leave the caregivers alone in the house.

we don’t have cameras in the house. that might be a solution for some people.

we have several rooms.
without permission, caregivers go into other rooms, when we’re at an angle where it’s hard to see what they’re doing. medical equipment has gone missing daily (they take extra gloves, etc.).

they often open drawers, to check for valuables.

we changed caregivers many times. it’s happened with almost every caregiver.

one caregiver stole new clothes.

it’s not easy. if you can find competent and honest home caregivers, good!

courage and strength!!

bundle of joy :)
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I am in the same situation and I TRIED to do it all myself and was feeling the exact same way as you are. Then I hurt my back trying to keep her from falling. I I found 2 very strong, young girls who come to sit with her from 10am to 10pm. They help her to the bathroom, play games with her and make her breakfast or lunch or dinner if I'm not here. This not only allows me to enjoy my own life but saves me from hurting myself.
Now it's a pleasure having my Mom with me because I'm not the one TRYING to care for her when I really can't.
Get some hired help and you will feel a lot better.
Best wishes to you and your Mom.
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Reply to DeidraL
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Despite the reasons you gave, I'm telling you, the best solution would be to keep her dogs yourself and to put her into assisted living. You could visit twice weekly and bring her dogs.

If all of you have been vaccinated for covid, I see no reason why this cannot work. You feel like a prisoner now, just wait til a YEAR of this has passed!
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Reply to XenaJada
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Hi. Someone competent you hire would not be sitting around doing nothing . S/he would be keeping your mom safe while you live the life you deserve to live . My mom recently passed away at almost 98. For the past ten years, she has been taking turns living with my sister and me ( we live 5 min. apart ). Together , we hired caregivers to stay with my mom so my sister and I could enjoy life while taking care of my mom. I am72 with health issues so I can relate . My mother learned to love the caregivers that we hired , over the years . They kept her company , played cards and games with her , watched movies. I did not have to worry whenever I wanted to go out . You will have a totally different outlook on taking care of your mom, if you can have a life, as well .
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Reply to Gina324
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At your age and with your health conditions, you should be doing whatever you want whenever you want to.
You are a prisoner in your own home. You are becoming resentful because you're giving more than you have to give. Don't feel guilty about that.
Your life is more important than your mother's dogs. Put her in assisted living or a nursing home. Visit her often. Be very active in her life and her care, but do it.
Everyone will be better off for it. You, your husband, and your mother. The two of you will get your home and life back and your mom will get one of her own because she'll be around other people and will have activities to do.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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I too am feeling so resentful. Feeling trapped is an understatement. I believe it is time for a home but then the guilt kicks in. My mom has been with us over 5 years now, she too can be left alone for a couple hours but lord knows what you will find when you come home - feces all over the floor was the latest. I feel like my life is on hold - I know she needs to go in to a home, she has been abusive with the caregivers - one left crying and quit, she gets mad at me if I ask her to get into her pajamas, her hygiene is non existent. It is just so hard. If you have the will, place your mom now.
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GAinPA Apr 24, 2021
Yikes! Feces on the floor. Been through the rude awakening to "bathroom wars". The first time, I could not believe my eyes. A small, round ball sitting in the middle of a new, clean beige carpet. Like a warning "shot" from a tiny cannon.
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Many assisted living facilities allow dogs.

If mom has the funds to pay for AL, getting a Senior Housing Advisor or registering with a place like A Place For Mom can be a good way to get someone else to do the legwork to find places that will accept animals.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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katiekat2009 Apr 22, 2021
My mom’s AL in Mississippi allowed pets. Alternatively, keep the pets and put mom in AL?
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If having her living with you is what you’ve decided will be, definitely have a helper come in. My dad was very concerned that someone coming in would have nothing to do. Instead she was busy all the time, meal prep, taking him on errands and to appointments, reading to him, the list goes on. It’s was a great blessing to all of us
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I feel the same way that you do. I was never meant to be a care giver, i never had children of my own. I work full time (from home) Assisted living is an option for her but she won't go. Refuses. Every time i mention it she says i am throwing her out on the street. she won't go to an "old folks home". It would be a great solution for the both of us and I don't know if I can physically drag her there. i don't have the time and energy to meet all of her needs and like you i'm resentful. I wish I had not brought her here in the first place, but too late now. Its not a good answer but I do commiserate.
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Moxies Apr 22, 2021
It isn't too late unless you consider your life and relationship with her nothing at this point. She has an alternative. Even is she didn't, you shouldn't tolerate her attitude for either of your sakes. You will have to deal with similar issues at some point; how do you plan to act? Expect the same from her.
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