What do you do when you can’t stand the negativity?

I think you know the answer -- her brain is broken. She can't abide by your rules, because she won't remember or understand them.

Her. Brain. Is. Broken.

What you choose to do with that is your decision. You can try to guide the conversation by simply not "hearing" what she says and talking about something entirely different as though the conversation was always on the other topic, but getting angry is pointless. She can't help it.

One thing I've heard of some people doing to get their loved one off a particular track is to get up, walk out of the room for a minute (or even just out of their sight), then come back in as though it's a whole new visit. Sometimes that works to reset them a bit.

That’s an interesting idea! Thank you.

I would tell her every time she brings him up to STOP or you will leave. Then follow through. If she is still living independently then she can get the point that trash talking your husband only leads to you leaving.

Maybe it is time for an assessment and a move to get more care for her.

You DO NOT have to entertain the hatefulness that she is spewing about your husband, broken brain or not. If it creates to much stress and upset for you then you need to tell her to stop.

What exactly are her attacks on your husband? Does she accuse him of stealing from her, does she attack his character or complain about him I other ways like he's having an affair? The hallucinations you can apparently deal with, but the attacks you cannot. Because she has AD, she is more than likely delusional regarding her beliefs. You say entering into her reality isn't helpful. Have you tried that? Have you said anything like, “mom, I'm going to talk to him about that and bring it to an end. And I don't want you mentioning it anymore”. With her AD, of course, she may not respond to that, and if it continues, I would just reduce the times you visit her. Setting ground rules would be for your benefit, not hers. She wouldn't remember to honor them.

Her having hallucinations and delusions can be very dangerous for her and would cause me to consider a higher level of care. (Actually, if she's in IL, she's not getting any care). It might be time to consider assisted living at the least.

Sounds just like my mother.
I am with you. I just had to block my mothers phone # on my landline to stop the nasty demanding and racist messages..
She spent an overnight at the hospital last weekend and took all 3 tv remotes with her to hospital because she thinks staff will steal them. My mother does not have AD but some dementia.


. Good luck

I think it's important for anyone dealing with a LO with any kind of mental decline, that they take the time to educate themselves about the disease, as to have a better understanding as to why their LO does and says the things they do. Until you fully understand the disease, you will continue to be in denial of the fact that your mother is no longer in control of what she says or does, as yes, her brain is broken. That is not just a catch all phrase, it is the truth. And I believe that once you truly grasp that truth, you will better be able to tolerate your visits with your mother, even if you have to cut back on them. Teepa Snow has a lot of great videos about dealing with folks with dementia/Alzheimer's on YouTube, that you may want to check out.

Maybe she can’t help it but that certainly doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. I’d leave or get off the phone each and every time it happens. Though it may never sink in, tell her you’re not listening to any negative or rude talk and leave. Sometimes people just say “I’ll see you when you’re feeling better” and then go. This becomes about preserving your mental health. Sorry you’re dealing with this and wish you peace

My MIL (BEFORE she developed the dementia) was absolutely horrible to me. Just nasty and painful comments. I was instructed to "just take it, she's old".

Well, in 1980 she was 50 and doing this, so no, I don't attribute it all to dementia.

Last year I went with DH (he was going to pay me $100) to keep him company while he once again fixed her computer.

She was just on me like white on rice. Nasty, horrible things. And there I stood, on a little brown throw rug she used for her dog. I was not allowed to sit down, I had to stand. After about 1/2 hr my back was screaming in pain. I asked for a chair and she refused, DH said "Crying out loud mother, let B have a CHAIR!" You have thought I asked for a pint of her blood.

Long story short, neither she nor DH wore their hearing aids and were shouting back and forth and it was really unpleasant for me, b/c in between their comments, she was slowly but steadily running me down.

The final moment came when she asked me when my cancer would come back and I would die...I couldn't believe this--WHO DOES THIS? I looked at DH and he hadn't heard her.

I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I am giving you the gift of your lifetime. I'm going to leave and never see you again. Have a great life". I took a Diet Coke out of the fridge (she had denied me one, but gave one to DH) and I slammed out the back door and walked to my sister's.

Haven't seen V in nearly a year and NOW Dh gets it. She picks on him, is mean and hateful---and has broken his heart. He begs me to come with him when he simply cannot deal with her, but I'm DONE. 46 years of kowtowing is enough, thank you.

Yes, NOW her brain is broken and there's not point in even talking to her. So why should I take myself into that toxic and painful place?? She's NOT my mother, she hates me and I don't need to have that in my life.

I can do this b/c she IS NOT my mother. My own mom? I pick and choose my visits, full well knowing she doesn't like me nor want me around. When she gets mean, I walk away. But I feel obligations--to a degree with mother that do not exist with MIL.

No. There is no point incoming up with a fun and distracting game. Sometimes it's okay for certain people to humor in such a situation. Those people are paid caregivers and the only reason why we do it is so the work can get done as smoothly as possible.
If she is safe in her living situation, then you can stop visiting and taking all of her calls.
If you and your husband go over there and a rant starts up, walk out and leave. Then don't take her calls. Let them go to voicemail.
You're only a human being. At some point the viciousness and asinine ranting gets to us all. You don't have to be around it. If her behavior gets worse the housing will tell you and then it will be time for a nursing home. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about it.

Basically you understand that you are dealing with a broken mind. You leave.
Tell Mom you love her and want to visit as long as your visit makes her happy, but when she is not happy you will have to leave. Then do so. When she starts on the nonsense tell her "Mom, our visit isn't making you happy, so we will go and we will be back in a few days when you are feeling better". Kiss kiss. Hug hug. And go. And make your visits fewer and farther between.
NOTHING WILL CHANGE this. Her mind is broken. If she was once a happy and well adjusted person, then this loss is a tragedy to witness. It is one more loss for her in a life that will soon enough be ended after loss after loss after loss. It is sad. But it cannot be fixed.

People stealing from them, a certain person bothering/stalking/attacking/etc are very common thoughts. You can come up with a list of boundaries, but you have to remember those are logical boundaries being set by a normal person based on normal and logical rules. Clearly her brain no longer thinks in terms of normal and logical. All you're really going to do is create a no win situation. You can say you no longer care if she thinks cats are dogs, but that happens to be the brain you are dealing with. Telling her the cat is a cat will not make it a cat in her head.

Redirecting the conversation is about all you have. Maybe next time she brings up hubby's name, tell her you don't remember that guy. Or that he moved away years ago. I'm not sure what you mean by IL building, maybe Income based apartment?? If she is living alone and she believes all these things are happening to her, could it be time to put her in memory care or a NH facility where she can be observed throughout the day and night? Before wandering, leaving burners on the stove, etc happen? Maybe you could agree with all the things happening and tell her you found a safer place to live.

If your Mom is this bad, she needs the next step an Assisted Living. She should not be alone.

And about the rest, its the Dementia/ALZ. She may think your husband is someone else. Someone she doesn't like. They get something in their head and you can't sway them.

As others noted, this is a common symptom. That doesn't make it easier to deal with, esp when the common suggestion is to redirect them, refocus them onto something else and it doesn't seem to work with her. However, given all the other "issues" noted (mixing up things, hallucinations, etc), she really shouldn't be in IL. At the least AL would be better, but most likely she's ready for MC at this point.

Thankfully my mother didn't get too bad with this. Before I knew anything about dementia, there were several times she mentioned some guy doing work on her place stealing from her (some broken jewelry she was going to cash in if possible.) Most likely she just misplaced it OR actually did cash it in and forgot! But I just listened and didn't really comment. Not too long after she accused my OB/family who had stayed there for a week visit of stealing her tweezers! Of all things, TWEEZERS! Again, I knew nothing about dementia and didn't make the connection until later when it was clear she had memory issues. I did question her as to why he would take them, being all of maybe $2 just about anywhere!

I bought her another one, to shut her up. Later, after we moved her to MC, I found THREE of them in the bathroom drawer and about 5-6 in a plastic container in her dresser drawer! During my learning and being on this forum, I connected those incidents to the dementia and realized these were early very subtle warnings. Of course it didn't make sense at the time. Hindsight!

My husband has been diagnosed with dementia and early onset alzhiemers. He had gotten extremely abusive before we finally were able to get him to a dr for the diagnosis and meds.
This past week he became short tempered, fussing about everything and in general driving me up the wall. I noticed tonight that he hasn't been taking his morning meds. I ask him usually every morning and evening if he has taken them and he says yes. He has an appt with his dr in 2 weeks and I am going to ask about adjusting his meds.
He has been accusing me of stealing "his" money and blowing it. Every 3 months the statement comes in and I give it to him to go over in thM hopes that it stops the accusations. It hasn't. He talks to our children sometimes and when they tell him something that he has already been told he denies I told him. Or he says I told him something completely different. It's not going to get any better and I know how bad it can get since I went thru this with my mom and started caring for my husband during that time also.
I told my dr last week that I wanted to climb into my car and drive until I was forced to stop and rest. I don't care what direction, any would be wonderful and somewhere I might find peace. He puts everyone down, refuses to talk to anyone unless they come here or call for him specifically. I remind him to call his brothers and sister and sometimes I actually dial their number and hand him the phone as soon as they answer. They don't know I am behind his calls to check on them. I too am tired of the "humor them", "think like they do" info. My dr put me on meds for depression and said I need rest. Yes, I knew that but, how do I get it? I can't leave him here alone or he tosses things out and I can't find things. He won't eat if I don't cook or buy his groceries, he won't bathe if I don;t try to get him to and he will try driving even though he was told no more by the dr. Our kids work long hours and live 1/2 hour from us and have their families to care for. We have paid for our final expenses and told our kids DO NOT TAKE US INTO YOUR HOMES TO CARE FOR! MC with work just fine for us.

My husband has been diagnosed with dementia and early onset alzhiemers. He had gotten extremely abusive before we finally were able to get him to a dr for the diagnosis and meds.
This past week he became short tempered, fussing about everything and in general driving me up the wall. I noticed tonight that he hasn't been taking his morning meds. I ask him usually every morning and evening if he has taken them and he says yes. He has an appt with his dr in 2 weeks and I am going to ask about adjusting his meds.
He has been accusing me of stealing "his" money and blowing it. Every 3 months the statement comes in and I give it to him to go over in thM hopes that it stops the accusations. It hasn't. He talks to our children sometimes and when they tell him something that he has already been told he denies I told him. Or he says I told him something completely different. It's not going to get any better and I know how bad it can get since I went thru this with my mom and started caring for my husband during that time also.
I told my dr last week that I wanted to climb into my car and drive until I was forced to stop and rest. I don't care what direction, any would be wonderful and somewhere I might find peace. He puts everyone down, refuses to talk to anyone unless they come here or call for him specifically. I remind him to call his brothers and sister and sometimes I actually dial their number and hand him the phone as soon as they answer. They don't know I am behind his calls to check on them. I too am tired of the "humor them", "think like they do" info. My dr put me on meds for depression and said I need rest. Yes, I knew that but, how do I get it? I can't leave him here alone or he tosses things out and I can't find things. He won't eat if I don't cook or buy his groceries, he won't bathe if I don;t try to get him to and he will try driving even though he was told no more by the dr. Our kids work long hours and live 1/2 hour from us and have their families to care for. We have paid for our final expenses and told our kids DO NOT TAKE US INTO YOUR HOMES TO CARE FOR! MC will work just fine for us.

No point at all in setting ground rules for your mother, but you are perfectly entitled to get up and leave if she starts on this theme. You could try leaving the room rather than the building, go back 5-10 minutes later, and introduce a different subject. If it's not helping you can always still leave.

I wonder why she's picked on him to be her pantomime villain? Is there another male figure handy you could have a go at substituting?

I seem to say this a lot, but here goes again... Get industrial strength ear plugs, put them in while you are there (and there for DH's sake), and you won't hear all this rubbish. Just smile!

I write a note and show it to my dad every time he starts with something negative. My Dad hates my husband's truck. I wrote a note saying "My husband fixes old trucks for money. Please do not talk to me about how ugly the truck is. I know its ugly, but it will be gone after he fixes it. Thank you :). " each note i write is in a pretty color with random smiley faces and flowers on it. It may be a lie, but its positive and pretty. He reads the same note 50 times a day, but stops talking to me about it. I hope u find an answer that will help for a while. We are all going nuts, but life changes quickly. I take all this crap literally hour by hour. 😊

I write a note and show it to my dad every time he starts with something negative. My Dad hates my husband's truck. I wrote a note saying "My husband fixes old trucks for money. Please do not talk to me about how ugly the truck is. I know its ugly, but it will be gone after he fixes it. Thank you :). " each note i write is in a pretty color with random smiley faces and flowers on it. It may be a lie, but its positive and pretty. He reads the same note 50 times a day, but stops talking to me about it. I hope u find an answer that will help for a while. We are all going nuts, but life changes quickly. I take all this crap literally hour by hour. 😊

Tell her you don't want to talk about your husband and change the topic. If she persists, tell her the visit is over. Try to direct the conversations as much as possible away from problem topics and into directions of positive subjects.

When my mom starts to pick a fight I get off phone or leave her apartment. I again tell her I will not argue with her.

She is attacking your husband because she sees him as a rival for your affection ,which you should be giving her. Her goal is to get you to see him as she sees him, in her way of getting you to devote your life to her.

I would suggest a firm, clear, loud.

"Mother _____ is my husband and I depend on him to take care of ______while I am here with you. He's not doing the things you are accusing him of. If you persist in this, I will have to leave you and start spending more time with him to confirm that he is doing these things to you instead of spending time with you"

After you get mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living, stop visiting her with DH. He obviously agitates her b/c her mind is sending her error messages, so there's no point in even having her see his face at all. Go alone, spend 20 minutes, and leave. If she becomes combative with YOU, then you'll have to come up with a new strategy at that time. Every day is different with this insidious condition, so you play it by ear. Even though she 'doesn't mean it' when she acts horrible to your husband, she's still DOING it and it becomes too much to bear after a while. She will forget she's being mean in 5 minutes, yet YOU will harbor the anger for hours or days afterward. Who's the big loser here at the end of the day? YOU are. The point is, do what YOU have to do to take care of yourself and not feel guilty that you've 'abandoned' your mother at the end of the day.

My mother is 94 and lives in Memory Care herself. She has moderately advanced dementia. I don't try to figure out the 'reasoning or logic' behind 'why' she's saying or doing the things she's saying & doing because guess what? There IS no reasoning or logic behind ANY of it! There is a brain dysfunction at work here, that is what's behind the madness, nothing else. So the main thing to do is this: Make sure mom is properly cared for and safe in her place of residence. Then figure out a plan to visit that won't cause YOU to have a nervous breakdown in the process. For me, now that in person visits have started back up again, DH and I go on Thursdays at 3 pm for up to 45 minutes, depending on her attitude. Last week we stayed a tad too long & things deteriorated after 30 minutes, so we should have left. Tomorrow, we'll play it by ear and leave immediately if/when things start going south. I bring her a few treats in a bag (or necessities or both) and we visit for a while, and then leave. I speak to her on the phone nightly, check in to see how she's doing and listen to how she's packing to go visit the dead relatives across the country, and then we hang up. She's safe & well cared for at the AL, and I manage her life from my desk at home.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan that works for you and DH when dealing with your mom.

There is nothing worse than our emotions being controlled by our parent’s behavior.

I struggled to break free from so much heartache.

Their delusional thinking causes so much anxiety for everyone.

In my opinion, I feel that there are many contributing factors regarding their behavior.

My mom seems to be much calmer thanks to meds that have been prescribed for her.

We have to utilize everything that is available to us for their peace as well as ours. Otherwise, it’s very stressful to endure the scrutiny placed on us due to their misguided reality.

Wishing you peace as you face this challenging situation.

Imho, there is no rationale to a broken brain.