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My mother refuses to go anywhere for a couple days to give me some needed quiet time. I moved in with her to be her caregiver almost 6 years ago after my father passed. She absolutely will not get in the car to go stay at her daughters house for even a couple days. She thinks she can stay by herself, alone for days. She will be 94 in October and has mild dementia. She has had 2 fires on stove, 1 in the oven, can not remember to take medications, bad knees, has fell several times, taken by squad to hospital, forgets to use the walker, she has trouble just using the phone. Sits in front of the TV while it’s not on because she can’t figure out how to use the remote, and the list goes on and on. The one daughter who has had her stay 2 times overnight years ago can not leave her home as she takes care of her husband. No one else to help out. We have packed her bags, put them in the car and she states as she is crying and pushing my sister out of her way “you will have to carry me out against my will and if you do I will call the police.” At this point you can not reason with her. The last time this happened I told her if she couldn’t do a couple days for me, then I would not go out of my way to take her anywhere. Like going to visit relatives 100 miles away, going on mini vacations with her, she could not go to her sons house many states away and stay “away from her home” if she would not give me some time alone. No more taking her to visit friends or any place else. Then the next day she asks to go somewhere. She will not let a stranger come in to stay with her so respite care is out. She literally digs her heels in and will not budge. And who wants to forcefully pick her up and put her in a car while she is throwing a fit? Certainly not me.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

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You can hire caregivers to stay with mom. Tell them that they are under no circumstances to leave.

Alert local police (the community policing office takes care of this) to the fact that mom may try to eject the caregivers but that they are there for your moms safety and protection.

When you return...
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and request a needs assessment.

You cannot continue to do this on your own. Mom can only stay in her home if she accepts help. If she won't, you need to leave, permanently and leave to to the authorities.
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If she won't get in the car, then you just have to hire someone to stay with her and you do the leaving. She won't "allow" it but she does not really have any choice. You need a break, she can not be alone. There you go. Not easy but it must be done. I would not tell her until the last second.
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I think that you make it clear that it is not a choice for her, that is is what will be. If there is any of the "I won't get in the car" you have to explain that you either can continue to care for her at home, or you cannot. If she will not give you some respite then she will have to enter care and ALL your time will belong again to you.
It is somewhat like having a two year old. For that we just scoop them bodily up. More difficult with Mom. But the fact is, if she cannot allow you a bit of respite and rest then you will not be able long to care for her in the home, I think. At least I couldn't.
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Barb is so right! You don't have to be a prisoner to your mother's demands!
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Can you find a nice AL. It will cost u something but you could take a week or so for yourself. Tell Mom she is going to a hotel while you are away. Maybe her doctor can give u something to help keep her calm.
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Another vote for you to do whatever it takes to get a break. Hiring a reputable in-home service (I use Visiting Angels) will give you the oasis you desperately need. Payment for it should come out of your mom's funds. Before you leave take a video of yourself and speak directly to your mom and that you won't be gone long and that the caregivers are there to protect you, etc. and make sure any caregiver has it on their phone to show your mom if necessary.

I also concur with the other posts that say you need to start looking for a good place for her, or maybe if the in-home care works out you can do more of that (to a point, then it gets more expensive that a facility). Wishing you a refreshing rest for your weary self!
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Yes, you need the break. Sending her to sis'e house may not be a good idea since she is caring for her husband too. Mom, in addition, may be much more than sis can tolerate. Have you thought about caregiver for sis's hubby so sis can stay with mom for a week or so? If he is agreeable, that would be an idea.
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I read some of your previous posts, and your life with your mother sounds miserable. You aren't even able to get unbroken sleep at night?

Is the plan for you to work yourself into an early grave taking care of this woman? Why is it that you think her life is worth more than yours?
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Thank you all so much for your input. I have told her that if something happens while she is alone that they will put her in a nursing home. She said if that has to happen, it will have to happen. Like I said, you can’t reason with her. All she knows is that she wants what she wants, when she wants it! She would be so appalled and embarrassed if she knew how she was acting. This is not who my mother was.
Thank you all again. We will see what happens.
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My Dad needed surgery. Mum needs 24/7 care so respite was looked into (in local NH). Finally Dad admitted there were many tantrums & tears & she was flatly refusing to consider it. He didn't know what to do as he always wanted to make her happy & keep the peace. You too maybe?

Mum said "I'll be fine here". Really? Partially sighted, partially paraylsed, deaf, in a wheelchair, full assistance for everything. No-one has mentianed the *D* word but well...

Ok Dad. Put the *happy* away & bring out *common sense*. Short & to the point. "Mum. Dad needs this op. You need care. This is what will happen. No choice. You CAN choose what to take".

There is no reasoning with dementia though. I agree with AlvaDeer, like a 2 yr old. But unable to hoist over my shoulder lol.

She finally gave in as Dad told her it was respite care or permanent NH. Choose one.

She is flatly refusing the thought of respite for Dad's op #2. I will be advising her GP but I doubt she'd take any 'calming' meds. Even if next time we have to call an ambulance to transport her I won't have any guilt. She needs care & Dad has needs too.

SO DO YOU! You didn't give her Dementia, & you sure can't help her behaviour. Carers NEED a break or they can't care anymore. If your Mum can't understand, that's unfortunate but that doesn't change the FACTS that you will be away & she needs care.

So, put on the hard-hat of commonsense, put your foot down & enjoy a well deserved break. Good luck!
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