Follow
Share

Dad has end stage CHF, no dementia. He got a caregiver 48 hours ago, she spent 2, 3hr babysitting sessions with him. They’re dating now, he refers to her as his girlfriend. He’s now in love and has told us that if we tell her employer, he’ll pay her 6k a month for the rest of her life to make up for the fact that she doesn’t have a job. What do we do? She says she loves him too and we are shocked. He’s 78, she’s 47.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I think the first place you should start with this is your dad's will/estate. Is it substantial? I hate to think the worst of people but this situation sounds very odd to me.

I'm assuming your dad is unable to live on his own because he needs a caregiver and that brings me to why this woman would profess to be in love with him, the miniscule amount of time they've known eachother notwithstanding.

I'd keep a close eye on this situation. True, if your dad doesn't have dementia he can choose his own companions but someone doesn't have to have dementia to be vulnerable and at your dad's age and the fact that he requires a caregiver makes him vulnerable.

And what about this woman? What kind of 47 year old woman falls in love with her 74 year old patient? In doing so she's demonstrated a tendency to behave unethically. If you've spent any amount of time here reading all the posts you'll discover that once a gold digger or other outside influence enters the picture it almost always has negative reverberations within the family. Someone who falls in love in 2 days is impulsive and not thinking clearly. Make sure your dad isn't making any big decisions right now.

I wish you luck with this. You can always call Adult Protective Services if you smell a rat.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

He has Parkinson's. Read up about the side effects of meds, impulsive, compulsive acts and sexual acting out for some. Talk with caregiver but be prepared for being bad guy. Paying caregiver that money unless declared as income to IRS will disqualify him from nursing home. The agency would be in danger of losing license.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This all happened in 48 hours? Not sure I understand the timeline. They fell in love after 6 hours together?

Not sure you can do anything.  If he doesn't have dementia he can date whomever he wants. If the CG is willing to lose her job that's her decision. You have two consenting adults here.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

She says she loves him too. Is this simply humoring an old man at the end of his life? Or is she encouraging his amorous feelings? What does "dating" mean in this situation? They go out to a movie? Dancing? They watch a video while she is "babysitting" him? He has been with her all of six hours. How much dating could they be doing?

He met her 2 days ago and he loves her now? Hmmm. But no dementia. Just impulsive behavior. She says she loves him too -- but how do you know that? Did you hear her say it or did Dad tell you?

Is he talking about changing his will? Is there much money involved? Do you think she is a gold digger, trying to exploit him?  Or he's exaggerating her interest in him, to bolster his ego?

I think I'd have a private talk with this woman. Not confrontational or accusing. Just "how is it going to be a companion for my dad?" See if you can determine her attitude toward your father.

I don't think you can do anything. If you see undue influence or exploitation as time goes on, you might want to TRY to protect your father's interests, but ultimately he can his own decisions, even bad decisions.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I'm having trouble comprehending how the two could meet, fall in love and date within a space of 48 hours. Assuming an average of, say, 8 hours for sleep during these 2 days, that gives them 40 hours to accomplish a lot of change. Am I missing something here?

Or, is this dating and love all HIS perception only? Have you spoke directly to the caregiver? She may be telling him she "loves" him just to appease or play along with him.

If this is all true for both of them, you can easily talk to someone at the agency, confidentially, and she can be removed as caregiver, and asked to sign a confidentiality agreement (with some elements of a noncompetitive agreement), agreeing not to contact him in any way whatsoever.

Have you spoken to staff at the IL facility who would be in contact with him and could provide independent observations? If she is actually involved in this so-called whirlwind affair, the staff at the IL facility could probably find a way to ban her.

How did you find this agency? What do you really know about it? Is she a new hire? Was she vetted at local, state and federal level?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Dear AlisonWanda,

This is a serious concern given if they've only known each other 48 hours. I would talk to the agency and maybe consider getting another caregiver and see how your father reacts.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I totally agree that this is uber unethical on the part of the caregiver. And you are within your rights to be shocked and suspicious. May/December romances do happen. I once had a friend who was a minor celebrity in my city. He became enamored of a young woman in a class he taught who is 30 years his junior. She led a sheltered life and is semi-disabled and she never had a chance against this suave, oily braggart. But in the end, they were two consenting adults. If I were you, I would consult an elder law attorney and share your concerns. At this point, it's not entirely about inheritance but if she does have an ulterior motive, she could leave you with not even enough for a funeral when Dad passes. On the other hand, like my ex-friend's paramour, she could be looking for a father figure and has found one in your dad.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would call the agency and let them know right away this is unethical and there needs to be an investigation....I wouldn’t care about his threats ,,,
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

the OP has not come back in 9 days? Hope this has resolved itself
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Total Boundary violation for her profession!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.