What do you do when a sibling volunteers you for 24 hour care in your home, to a bedridden parent, without consulting you at all?

My siblings were very happy to leave all caregiving to me. And it became too much, what started as a bit of help grew into a mess, not good or safe for anyone. So I drew my line about what I could and would do, and the rest was on someone else, either hired or volunteer. No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. It doesn’t change your love and concern for your dad.

Bottom line if you and your siblings never discussed the “what if mom and or dad need home care” you’ll have issues and likely permanently strained relationships. It shouldn’t be a contest or pissing match over who is in charge and who participates in caregiving.

Am dealing with this firsthand with 2 siblings 15 minutes away from parents and I am 3 hours. Let’s just say they’re choosing to not help. Both have the time and ability.

Good luck but like I said if you didn’t discuss prior it’s going to be rough road filled with resentment and disappointment. Try and put your parents best interest and needs in front of your sibling issues for your own sake. Because you’ll feel better knowing you tried.

That was just plain wrong of your brother. He should have offered himself, not you. You have no reason to feel guilty. As long as you are visiting your dad and making sure he knows he is loved, but that you cannot give up your life any more than your brother obviously can, I believe he would understand. I have seen this type of full time care devastate a family. If I were you I’d ask for a social worker to give you advice and look for support groups who may have great suggestions like this one! I wish I had solutions, but this is a good site for suggestions so I will pray that you see some good suggestions from those who’ve been through this. God bless you and your dad and open the eyes and heart of your brother.

I would inform the brother to lead by example. You will volunteer equal to the hours He volunteers. As well he will be responsible for paying for the extra help.

As far as your father is concerned it is time for him to grow up. He cannot live on his own then he has to be in a nursing home or hire someone to help him. If you are giving up a paying position which you need to support yourself and your family he needs to compensate you for your time.

Him volunteering your services without proper consultations paints a picture of someone who thinks he has carte blanche with someone else’s life. The job, as we all know, is tedious and continuous, so feelings of guilt aside, make sure what the heart dictates and the economy provides. It’s certainly asking a lot from another person, and your sibling seems to be pretty good at offering the service of others but not of himself. Maybe he is swimming in money so he can contribute to the cause too, it is certainly easier with hard cash, specially from this sibling who apparently thinks his word is law. Pray for enlightenment but do not bring your guard down. Best for you.

If my sibling did that to me I would be livid! Fortunately I have a wonderful brother who would never do that. Before doing anything you need to talk to your father and your sibling. Tell your father that you need time to think about what would be best for him and you. Do not make any promises until you've had time to think things over. Then you must inform your sib that it was not their place to speak on your behalf. To expect you to provide 24 hr care for someone who is bedridden is asking an awful lot. Tell them that you are not going to assume all responsibility for father's care. Your father needs to be in a facility. If you were to try to do it all on your own you would put your own health at risk and you would never be able to have a life of your own. Tell your sib that he/she needs to step up to the plate and do their share. This means helping to find a suitable placement, financial support if needed and emotional support for your father. Do not allow anyone to put all of this on you! Good luck to you and your Dad.

Imho, my own brother said "I won't do the out of state caregiving," leaving it up to me. It was very difficult.
Your sibling is wrong.

This is where you put on your expert nurse face and say to your dad that your brother doesn't understand the extent of care he's actually receiving in the nursing home and that it isn't something you can't replicate at home. Dad has 24/7 care now with the entire staff of the nursing home available to help. They are also paid to do that job which is why they're able to do it. You, however, would not be paid, and will not be able to eat or pay your bills.

Just lay down some common sense, and that should take care of the problem. Just because you have a nursing degree doesn't mean you're Wonder Woman.

You have to want to do this. I am a full time nurses aid, and I love my Job, however its very difficult , if your heart is not in it , you will burn out real fast. Does his insurance pay for a caregiver to come certian hours of the day.

How can you possibly do this? It would be a nightmare, you don't deserve this. Think long and hard. Good luck.

I would let your brother know that you cannot and will not take on that responsibility unless HE does first for about 6 months without any other help. Sounds like your brother might want some money that would other wise be spent on the NH that your father is in, shame on him. But everyone is different and thinks that someone can do something that they themselves would never want to do. Keep your father where he is and let your father know that right now is not a good time to leave the NH and that he is better off there regardless what the brother/son says. then change the subject and go onto something else. wishing you luck.

I believe with the problems your father was having your brother was acting out of caring and realizing the need of care in convalescent. You love your father and want to reach out to him. I just suggest you visit him and realize what his incompacities are. Also your brother also may not of been able too take care of him. Be thankful that he is in a good place. A lot of times older patients it is hard to adjust and in a convalescent. There would be dissatisfaction even if your brother could. When you see him talk with him listen to him and try helping to see some good things that are being done for him. You still always love your parents and the know

I tried to take care of my mom at my house when it was evident she could not be alone.

I couldn’t do it (and I’m retired). It was way to much. At that time she was
mobile but not very good. EVERY time she used the restroom I had to clean it and her hands and her clothes. There was feces EVERYWHERE. Don’t know how it got to the places it was. She asked about her pills constantly and although I understood she didn’t remember I already gave them to her she would have a fit if I didn’t give them to her. She fell several times and once I had to call fire department to help pick her up because my husband was not home.

There was massive amounts of laundry and she was picky about food. She also didn’t remember she had been fed. Every time I left the room she had a fit. She was very argumentative about everything.

Finally took her home and hired 24/7 help but it was very expensive. $25 per hour. We opted for 3 eight hour shifts so the caregivers would not get burned out.

Since we have finally placed her in a care facility. $3,500 per month instead of $18,000.

I would see who has Medical POA. Asked doctors for letters of incapacity then decided about placement in a home again.

As far as your brother I think some men (not all) still think that the caregivers roll belongs to women. Maybe that is why he volunteered you. You would really have to ask him. But I hope you are able to find help for your situation. Good luck:

Your sibling is relinquishing the care of your parent to you. 24 hours a day! Pool whatever resources you may have (being a nurse means a lot of contacts) and move forward with providing the best care possible and have no regrets or guilt. Explore your options as there are so many. Find out what services your community provides to seniors and their caregivers. Research what aid your father may qualify for. It's silly to imagine doing 24 hour care by yourself. Only people who have never tried it would suggest you go it alone. Talk to your dad's doctor and include your dad in these discussions. The three of you together can come up with a plan. It's your dad who deserves a say about his future. The doctor can readily explain why 24 hour care with no relief isn't feasible for one person to tackle and move forward with other options. Work as a team and if your brother isn't available to be on that team that his problem, not yours.

In this case, it's better if you get explore another facility and find a facility to see if the residents are doing all that well there. Your brother doesn't realize that it can be a full time job caring for a senior who shouldn't be left alone. I think he looks at this type of work as 'women's work'. So you have my sympathy. A care facility is less expensive than 24 hour home help.