What do you do when a sibling volunteers you for 24 hour care in your home, to a bedridden parent, without consulting you at all?

You just say No and continue your life.

What tothill said and then...

I would tell brother to never presume to speak on your behalf again. It is not remotely okay.

This has already happened or is about to happen?
This has nothing to do with whether or not you love your dad. He needs care beyond one persons capability and you need an income.
If it’s happened, you need to get dad back to the nursery home.
Your brother has some nerve.

Try to avoid a murder attempt – this is not a good time to fall out with brother, or to end up in jail. Perhaps he didn’t say ‘why don’t you?’, perhaps it was more ‘how would you feel about?’ to try to find out more about father’s preferences – even to talk him out of bad choices. Or perhaps it was simply ‘a momentary lapse of reason’ to quote the song. Just firmly say that it’s not an option, that’s all you have to do!

Just say "Sorry no"

This must have been a discussion before he entered LTC. There is a reason he needs 24/7 care. My daughter is an RN who worked in rehabs/NHs and has told me she is not caring for me. She did it for 20 yrs for others.😁

Sounds like brother is a bit of a bully.

Take a deep breath and tell him you simply cannot handle this huge responsibility. You don't need to embellish or make it more clear than "I just can't do this". End of discussion.

I have an OS who is SO GOOD at this. The saying 'no' part. I need to take a page from her book for sure. She doesn't DO caregiving, except for new grands and I admire that. I've done way too much for a needy mom and I resent her and myself for falling into the pit of neverending need.

When we have 'needs' for mom we discuss it as sibs and come up with a solution (it works OK, not great, but it's better than being at odds with one or more sib)....and sometimes mom just doesn't GET what she wants.

You put this question in the past tense. Is dad still alive and you're currently dealing with the situation of dad back in your home and you're taking care of him? Or has dad passed away and now you're dealing with the residual anger/guilt?

If it's the former, look into getting dad back into the nursing home; explore Medicaid options for him if he has outspent all his money. If he's still in the facility, fight the urge to bring him back home because you think you can make him happy.

If it's looking for a cure for the guilt: You have nothing for which to feel guilty. I want to draw your attention to your own words: "He could not walk, eat or even toilet unassisted." That is someone who needs more than at home, one-person care, even if he hadn't been very hard of hearing and nearly blind.

Shame on your brother for "volunteering" you. And, as hard as this might be to hear, shame on your dad for not being able to admit that his needs greatly outweighed your ability to care for him, alone, in your home. That is such an incredibly cruel, selfish, short-sighted thing to do to an adult child. Nobody wants to give up their independence and move from their home into a facility, but the expectation that your children should be willing to give up THEIR independence and THEIR financial security to take care of you is just incredibly self-absorbed.

You tried and it didn't work out, so you found a solution. Was it perfect? Of course not. But it was the best of the not-perfect choices you were faced with for everyone, *including* dad (he was safe and cared for). You didn't do anything wrong!

I hope you can learn to "forgive" yourself and find peace.

(((hugs)))

Many of us here in this group have been as one member perfectly described, "Voluntold" they would become the caregiver to an elderly parent or relative. You were voluntold for three reasons:

1) You are a female. This on it's own makes you the first choice

2) You're a nurse.

3) You as caregiver would be free or next to. This is so father's money could be protected for inheritance at some point instead of going towards his care.


Your brother is a bully plain and simple. Probably also resentful because putting father in the nursing home costs money, and ever dollar paid out for his care is a dollar less for his inheritance at some point.
As for your brother's attitude, well the good Lord blessed us with two middle fingers. I strongly recommend you use them both to your brother.

Thanks for your thoughtful answers. It is past. Both father and brother have passed on. But I have lingering doubts. The way it worked out was, I spoke to my father when he and I were alone. I had decided that if he really wanted to move in with me I'd try to make it work...somehow. I told him that. (I felt terrible for the situation he was in).
He knew he would have to pay. He knew I simply didn't have the money. I explained that I could quit my job but still not physically manage it by myself 24 hrs a day, that I would have to hire quite a bit more help and maybe rent some equipment. He knew that, too. (he was never for spending a lot of money). I told him I'd like to spend more time with him, and would give it a try if he wanted me to. He thought a moment and then said... no.
We never discussed it again. I suffered seeing him suffer the rest of his life.. and always felt I hadn't spent as much time with him as I should have.
I avoided my brother (never was on very good terms with him, anyhow). It was more or less the end of any relationship I might have had with him. I now imagine maybe he just wasn't thinking when he said what he said. But it still kinda hurt. I could have been more forgiving.

I have found as I have aged that it gets easier not to allow myself to feel guilty. God love him, your Dad understood he was better where he was. And why was it u who needed to do the caring. Brother also could have given up his life too. We have to get away from the idea that Women are the nurturers. I have seen some men do a better job than I could have.
Its time to let things go. You handled it very well.

*Updated* I just read this was in the past. That you handed it well & are doing well now. I am pleased.

In case a friend gets volunteered then, here's what I would add..

Depending on your style...

Say a polite "No". (No more. No less).

"I couldn't possibly do that". (Oh thank you X a million Barb for that golden gem)

You read the RIOT ACT to your Brother!! Use a FOGHORN if you think he's not listening.

Add that because you are 1. Single 2. Female 3. A Nurse does NOT make you obligated to be a family caregiver. It is up to YOU if you wish to be. It also does NOT EVER give HIM the right to roster you.

This is not just a sexist thing. (My SIL has tried rostering my DH too). Sometimes people mean well & fumble through a half-baked idea... but sometimes they are bossy controllers.

What would I do? Laugh loudly and say "nice idea. Not happening."

How did your father respond to your brother's "thinking aloud"? - or, rather, to his not thinking at all.

Enuf of dumping on daughters: do not buckle under ever!

For the benefit of anyone still in this situation: I would say to the sibling: "Dad / Mum needs 24-7 care, so we need to hire at least two full time carers, or four part-timers. Both of us can share the remaining 8 hours if we each do a 4-hour shift after work". Send it to by email so you can say it calmly - and avoid his mind-games (guilt-tripping, angry posturing, etc).

Say no.

You are the only one who can volunteer your time.

Don’t feel forced - all these choices are 100% yours.

Your brother overstepped his bounds, but he was just trying to problem solve. Gently and firmly set him straight so he only speaks for himself going forward.

Dont make any apologies - this is your life and you get to choose it.

Nurses put in long hours and exhausted, and you cannot possibly care for him safely because you are away from home a great deal. You MUST talk to your brother you CANNOT care for him and speak frankly to your father you are not a multimillionaire who can just quit their job. Either your brother take care of him or he must stay where he's at.

So many elderly will say they hate the facility where they are. That doesn’t mean they need to be moved out. They are often lamenting the fact that they don’t have the lifestyle that they previously had and remember. While it is difficult as the child to hear these complaints you have to toughen your self and remember to think with the head and not the heart. Guilty you say? No you aren’t. You didn’t create his health issues, you didn’t create his state of being unhappy. You are guilty of nothing. What you are doing is making yourself feel responsible for these things and if you are realistic you will realize you are not responsible for it. You let brother know that this is impossible. Your dad is where he needs to be with eyes on him 24/7 and safety is paramount. Your brother is being extremely unrealistic.

So many elderly will say they hate the facility where they are. That doesn’t mean they need to be moved out. They are often lamenting the fact that they don’t have the lifestyle that they previously had and remember. While it is difficult as the child to hear these complaints you have to toughen your self and remember to think with the head and not the heart. Guilty you say? No you aren’t. You didn’t create his health issues, you didn’t create his state of being unhappy. You are guilty of nothing.

I just read further down that this was a past issue and now both are deceased. I am not sure what advice you want from us, but perhaps if you are still carrying some remorse, you could benefit from some counseling to be able to work through it.

Just let him know you can't. Tell brother Father can live with him and use his own money to hire help or Live In to care for Dad at his house.

Nusing Homes are only if you have no loved ones willing to take you in.

I wouldn't want to live in one, they are always understaffed and if you're considered to be any trouble at all, you will be medicated.

A person is always happier and feels more love being able to live in their own home if that's possible.

Have Dad Hire a Live In or 1/2 Day Caregiver

Just say no. Assert yourself! What are you afraid of. Tell your brother youwill sove
the problem by volunteering him to do the job.

The definition of a volunteer is
Noun: A person who freely OFFERS to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.
Verb: Freely OFFER to do something.

By both of those definitions another person can not volunteer someone else to take on a task or do a job.

One of the people that you can be angry with is your father who being alert and well oriented wants his children to give up their lives and care for him.
You can be angry at your brother for not discussing this and not taking into consideration your feelings.

Put your foot down and say that you can not take this on.
Find a Skilled Nursing Facility that will care for him. Tell dad that you can not care for him, it will not be safe for you or him

You mention in your profile Assisted Living but you say he is bedridden. That is why I suggested Skilled Nursing Facility. If he is bedridden most AL will not take his as he would require equipment to care for him and I think most states so not permit AL to use equipment.

You might want to point out that offering someone else's labor without their permission is known as trafficking. That should end the discussion.

Both you and your brother are in a very upsetting situation. People in difficult situations often speak out of turn and make mistakes. Don't hold onto a grudge, it only lowers your Immune system and can increase your chances of sickness and disease. it sounds like you are already stressed to the max. And holding onto agnry feelings, ultimately does not solve the problem. Forgive your brother and then have a serious talk about the options. One option: Does your father still have money? If so, use it to get him home care. If no, if you can afford it, split the cost with your brother( if he can afford it). Good luck!

I understand you are feeling a bit guilty thinking back but you did the very best thing by discussing with your father and having him understand that though you loved him it was not feasible for him to come live with you. Likely your brother was somehow stuck in the past where women either didn’t work outside home or did it only as a hobby or additional income and not as a necessity. Also , as a nurse , of course why wouldn’t you be able to care for him — kind of like how people think that if you are a nurse you know everything about medical care no matter your specialty. ( I always told people I could answer their ON or newborn questions only lol). Also, somehow your bro didn’t consider how a lapse in employment might affect YOUR future and possible need for care .
You could wish tHaT you were able to have had the same kind of discussion with your late brother that you had with dad— write him a letter and then burn it , place at his burial site, or even send it ..then Forgive yourself and forgive your brother . Be at peace with your life and enjoy it ..

You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation, but gave in, and did it. It was the most physical & emotional draining thing I ever did. I'm still not over it, and it is two years since my Dad passed. My back is ruined, and now I have been given the same problem with my Mother. When it gets bad with her, she will have to go to a nursing home PERIOD.

1 - Tell your sister that was not kind of her to offer your help without consulting you first.
2 - Explain to your sister and father that he needs more care than you could reasonably provide. If you tried, you would be burnt out quickly and then he would be back in a residential facility.
3 - Probe into why your father is unhappy in his current home. Maybe there could be some small changes that would make him happier. If not, please consider having him evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression. Many seniors suffer from depression and his "complaints" may actually be "cries" for mental health help.

Your brother’s playing you. He’s not willing to be inconvenienced so why would you be expected to manage a situation you can’t manage?

Tell your brother you told dad he’d be better off living with your brother. Male bonding. Men understand men. Brother is stronger to lift dad.

After he balks, tell brother to cough up the money for dad to have a companion visit dad at AL. He sounds lonely rather than poorly cared for and if you bring him home, you’ll be free 24/7 caregiver and entertainment.

My sister just did the same. She had already orchestrated/guilt-tripped me into coming home from overseas job to live with my parents. (Another story). Now they are in a very excellent home. We had them to my apt for dinner. My dad was sharing some of his complaints and she says, “….I’m sure if you don’t like it there, you could pay us to care for you.” WHAT??? I had already tried to live with them for 1.5 years and it did not work. We FINALLY have them settled…and she brings up an “option” that is NOT on the table. I learned my lesson. I called her afterwards and spoke directly. I told her I was NOT willing to do that. I told her she should not tell them options that are not there. I suggested she think about how you would communicate with kids. Her response, “I was just kidding.” Hmmm. I told her to please not “joke” about these matters. And if she must to please keep my name out of it. All to say, you aren’t alone….be sure you clearly state what you can/can’t do.

Your brother is taking advantage of you, knowing that you'll likely 'give in.' His behavior is unacceptable. And tell him that. You need to stand on your own two feet and not allow him to do this. The alarming question is WHY would you feel guilt taking on full responsibility when there are TWO of you adult children involved in your dad's care. In other words, isn't it the responsibility of both you and your brother? Yes, it is.
* I'd feel angry too.
* What would I do. Hire an attorney if necessary.
* Get POA status and take over.
* Have witnesses to all interactions with your brother.
* His stance is disgraceful. "If" anyone would feel guilty, it would be your brother although he doesn't feel it. He would rather dump on you. Do not allow this.
Gena / Touch Matters