What do you do about an elderly mother who refuses to go to assisted living?

Neither you nor your sibling has to take care of her. Sounds like your sibling hash already set boundaries; why don't you? (Just out of curiosity, is it a brother? Does she expect YOU to pull up stakes and move to take care of her because you're a female? If so, nonsense!)

If your mother has the funds to hire help, she can do that. If you and your sibling refuse, she will have no other option.

What exactly does she need help doing? What is her financial situation? Can she afford AL? Is she legally mentally competent?

No one gets a “guilt trip” without being willing to take it.

This has nothing (at all!) to do with where your sister lives or what she does. Neither you nor your were birthed by her to become her caregivers.

Your mother has options, and as long as she is cognitively intact and capable of making her own decisions, she has absolutely no right to make demands on you OR ANYONE ELSE.

If you are uncomfortable talking to her don’t call her or answer the phone when she calls you. REMEMBER, the guilt you feel is your responsibility, NOT your mother’s.

Don’t hesitate to discuss you situation with a good therapist. MANY of us deal with guilt. You are not alone.

First, stop talking about it. Your hitting a brick wall. She is not going to budge until something happens. Then you discuss an AL or hiring help. Your sibling is close enough if any emergencies arise. Also, 2x a week and visiting 2 hrs seems enough to me.

You do not move to her or her to you. Living together does not always work. You should not move your children away from friends or Mom away from what she knows. Many on the forum will tell you it won't work. You will end up resenting her and have unhappy children because...u live 3000 away for a reason.

Start setting those boundries now. If she starts about u coming there to CG, tell her you will no longer discuss it. You are not leaving a job and moving to be her Caregiver. She has the money hire people. If she can't keep up with the cleaning, have someone come in once a month. How dirty can one person be. She can maintain. If she needs more than that then hire a Home Health Aide. Besides cleaning and laundry, they can cook her meals. Assist her in showering. If the house upkeep is too much, then she needs to sell and use the profits for an AL. Tell her she has options and you are not one of them. If she keeps bringing it up, you tell her you won't talk about it anymore. Don't call her every day.

Your mother may 'expect' you to move across the country with your children to take care of her, but that's unrealistic! She's 77 years old w/o a huge amount of health issues, according to your profile, so what's the problem that you feel she's in need of Assisted Living? Your sister goes over twice a week for a couple of hours each time; would she not tell you if there was some urgent situation going on that required you to drop everything and move? My point is, your mother may be exaggerating her 'issues' in an effort to GET you to drop everything and move across the country! My mother, God rest her soul, was the Queen of exaggeration (I won't say 'lying' b/c exaggerating sounds nicer) especially where I was concerned. She'd have me jumping through fiery hoops thinking she was dying when she had a hangnail or a stomach cramp. So "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" came to mind MANY times, most times actually.....leaving me not knowing when she was telling the truth or when she was seriously exaggerating!

It sounds like you have not 'abandoned' your mother at all, but fly to see her 3-4 times a year, and her other daughter sees her 2x a week, so she's in a much better space than most other parents, honestly. If some crisis happens, THEN you can worry about insisting she hire in home help or moving into Assisted Living. That's what happens in a lot of cases; the stubborn elder has to fall & break a hip or a femur before the hospital or rehab SNF refuses to allow them to move back home to live independently. That's when the power of choice is taken away from them and they are forced to move to AL or hire in home help. Then you're no longer The Bad Guy, and they can blame the hospital or the doctor.

Try not to feel like you have to 'do' anything here or that you 'have to' call mom every day and get that dreaded lump in your chest by doing so. Set down some boundaries here instead, like choosing to call mom every other day, and give yourself a a break by taking a few days a week off from the drama. That's my suggestion, from a daughter who used to get that same 'lump in her chest' all the time.

GOOD LUCK!

She is within her right to make her own decisions, even if they are bad ones. You have a sibling that sees her twice a week so if things get really bad they will let you know. As far as guilt tripping you to move there, be very blunt. You refuse to disrupt your life and the lives of your children for her 'wants'. If every call is a guilt trip, end them quickly and make them less frequent. You are falling for her manipulation. She has no right to expect you to change your life so hers doesn't have to. That is the main point. She expects you to do 100% of the compromising. Your sibling seems to have no issue setting boundaries, so ask them how it is done.

Do what is best for you and your family. Your mom can sell her house move into an assisting living facility close to you.

I think you already know the answer to this in your heart if she needs care then she moves beside you it’s not as if she doesn’t have anyone nearby so stop feeling guilty you sound like a lovely daughter

Sorry you are dealing with this.

When my mom had MCI (now dementia), she would also complain of being bored. But due to her memory issues and cognitive issues, she just could NOT make plans. I made numerous suggestions and they were ignored. But she just couldn't do it. In hindsight, I should have just made it happen since she was living with me and it was hurting our relationship to have her just depend upon me. Not healthy for either of us.

Tell mom in no uncertain terms, that you are NEVER moving across the country to take care of her. Someone says "Oh, I couldn't possibly do that" and "No is a complete answer".

Do NOT move her in with you. You will regret it.

I made the mistake of doing more and more and more for my parents. In hindsight, I should have made them get help to take care of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do.

When did mom get diagnosed with MCI? If it's been awhile and you see more issues, could be progressing to dementia. Does someone (hopefully your sister that lives near her) have POA? If not, get all her paperwork in order NOW before she does get diagnosed with dementia and will no longer be able to legally sign documents that are so important to have.

Maybe start with a cleaning lady? Get someone coming to the house weekly to get her used to it. Is there a bus in her town? Can she get a ride to the senior center? Don't ask her if she wants to go - but get her there so she can do things and not be rattling around in the house all day. Maybe next trip you go, take her every day and get her in the habit. Hire the cleaning lady to start when you'll be there so mom can't send her away.

I have learned with my mom that you just do NOT ask. You lead her and if she really resists then OK you might have to back off. But for example, if you ask my mom if she wants to go out for a little walk, she'll say no. But if you say "Ok mom, it's a beautiful day let's get out for a little walk. Here are your shoes, time to put them on." then voila, she's out the door.

Good luck.

I can only speak from experience here but I wish I had been more proactive! My parents lived independently and two years ago we saw that they were starting to have mild problems with memory. My husband and I decided to look into building a home where they could have their own living space but be with us as we felt moving them while they still had a good deal of independence would be most beneficial for them adapting to the new environment and had actually started looking for a property on which to build. Then, my mom ended up with a cancer diagnosis, and COVID hit so those plans were shelved. Then the economy tanked, prices in our area went through the roof and building costs went even higher! So, we started looking at houses that were already built that could be adapted for our needs and even took my parents to see one that was especially promising, but...they weren't ready. So we just let it ride, after all, they were okay in their own home, they were both able to drive and the problems we saw weren't drastic; just normal aging. Then on May 29th of this year my dad, who did almost all the work of caring for my mom and maintaining their home, had a bad fall with a traumatic brain injury. Now they are living in my master bedroom, my husband and I are in the guest room and we deal with my father who wanders around the house like he is lost, and my mother (the youngest of eleven children) who has spent her life being spoiled by my dad and honestly believes that being waited on is her right. If I could do it over again I would have been more proactive, I would have insisted that changes needed to be made NOW, not wait for something "drastic to happen" because believe me, I did not understand what drastic really meant! If we had moved my parents when we wanted to I think (being optimistic here) that they would have adapted and I would not feel so inconvenienced now. I may be wrong, but if I had it to do over again I would not have procrastinated. I realize that the fact that we were in the same city makes the situation different from yours but if your mom is already unable to drive, completely alone except for weekly visits, and requires help with ADLs (like meal prep and med management) she is already at the point where you and your sibling, in a united front, need to step in. It may require a period of adjustment but having to deal with the results of a traumatic incident will be much, much worse.

Oooo, so frustrating. They're so used to telling themselves they're so very independent, and they seem so strong to us when we're children, but our mothers become needy, stubborn toddlers when they get older. I don't know if it's just that generation or what. i'm really hoping that we don't see ourselves in the future and that we're all learning. Yes, just like my 98-year-old mother living by herself, something awful is going to have to happen before they're forced into care. For some reason they'd rather make their children's lives miserable rather than just admit they need help from the outside world. They resent the suggestion, especially from their children, that they can't do things. My daughter and I were having a little chat the other day and we're both like, take us to the "Home", feed us and cater to us! No problems here! I know, we say that now, but everyone from my generation that I've spoken to who is putting up with an elder has already told their children don't ever do this for me, don't let me be a selfish stubborn fool! So for the time being, treat her like the whining toddler that she has become, Know that she's got an eye on her through your sister, and nod your head and let her yak.

1) You do not move out there to care for her. Unless you want to become her nursing home, you do not take on this role. You and your family come first.
2) you tell her you support her only in good decisions. When she complains, listen, but let her know that these are problems she’ll continue to have and they’ll get worse as she ages unless she takes action.
I went through this. My mother cried and pounded the table, my father swore at me, they both teamed up on me. I stayed steady. I was only 10 minutes away but they were sucking up all my free time and I and my family were suffering. I finally had to get a FT job for financial reasons and hence had to bring up A/L to them. It was horrible. They refused and said they would find their own way. I stopped taking them to health appts b/c they said they were “independent”. They canceled every single one of them. My fathers driving was declining. Finally they agreed to LOOK at the independent senior apartments. They realized they had to do it. They didn’t want to, but we pushed and pushed and finally they went. It was very hard on all of us, but they’re in about 6 months now, and they realize this is where they need to be. They hate the food (expect that) but the care is there. They have both gone through Covid and my dad ended up in the hospital with cellulitis. They had a cord to pull when he got sick and a nurse who came right to them and stayed with them until and ambulance got there. I am very glad we forced them into it. It is difficult, lots of tears all around, but it was the best thing. Good luck, stay strong. Get counseling if you need to, this is tough stuff

A profound truth which, like all truths, has happy & sad aspects: parents give themselves to their children, just as they will do with their own. Never forget that your life & the lives of the family you have created come first. Help, consideration & monitoring of your parents’ situation is to be expected. But you are not obligated to turn your lives upside down to do so.
Help them research their options, be on their side and let them know they’re loved. But your primary loyalty & obligation belong to the family that you have created. Life works that way.

These people really have a lot of nerve not to plan for their own elder care. Don't we all know we are aging by the day? Are they just so stubborn they dig in their heels and refuse to do any different? It's so annoying. Both of my parents were in their mid 80s and were having a hard time with laundry, cooking and basic upkeep. They didn't think a thing of it.

One of their neighbors even said since you're both using walkers and not very mobile, maybe it's time to go to an Assisted Living place. Nope - not them. My stepdad had the nerve to say to me "back in my day, children took in their parents". I'm not a caregiver and certainly not to 2 barely mobile people who love to complain all day. Just such a weird and entitled thought process. I will not be doing this to my children.

OP, you don't have to call everyday. When she starts complaining, change the subject. Have a few lighthearted topics jotted down on paper to move you through the conversations. I used to do that with my mother, she loved talking about medical things so I'd bring up an article on medical story or I'd ask her questions about a recipe she used to make. I'd ask her opinion on things, she liked that. If she's still complaining, get off the phone.

Don't keep mentioning to her about moving in with you. So many horror stories of parents and grown children living together. Her moving into AL or paying for in-home care is the way to go.

I was in the same situation, 1/2 a country away but my sister was about 10 minutes away. She took the brunt of the caregiving. My mom refused to accept outside help of any kind and complained constantly and bitterly that my sister wasn’t doing enough. That was all part of her long decline. She’s quite social and Covid really did her in. I moved back east in retirement and thought I’d be more involved but the 2 of them had their own thing going on. SO…my role was to be a listener. To my moms complaining and my sister when she needed to vent. My sister and I eventually agreed (I think I helped with her guilt on this) that eventually something would happen even if my sister spent almost all her time at my moms. At 96, she had a stroke and lasted for 4 months in hospice at my sisters, as we had planned. She called my sister “that girl” and no longer recognized her. For myself, I’m already living alone, and will do exactly that until the bitter end. I’m determined not to complain, and to use whatever outside resources are available. But I’d rather be independent than safe and if I get placed in some horrible nursing home,

Stay where you are..call less often. Your job is NOT to keep her happy..it is to keep her safe. Let the other sibling make decisions….If you have POA..I would arrange an assisted living near your home…

Good morning,
Your mother is grieving the changes needed and, her sense of loss of independence any changes will precipitate. You are very caring to consider the options for her care. If your mother is still cognitively
" alert and oriented" able to make her own decisions, then she has the " patient rights" to do so. Are you the designated PCG or POA for your mother? If so, perhaps you could speak with her physician about the concerns you have for your mother's well being. Perhaps you could plan to accompany her to a physician visit during one of your visits with her? Does your mother have Advance Directives in place?
Both your concerns and, your mother's fear of change as one ages are normal. It is sometimes helpful to look at all if this in what I call
" through a lens of grief", the grief that accompanies aging, distance, any change , life circumstances, family dynamics and, differences...
If you are a person of faith, keep this in prayer and, speak perhaps with your and/ if your mother's faith leaders . If you are not a person if religious faith, remember to find some form of meditation for self care. Peace. JNM

If your mother is of sound mind, she is entitled to make her own decisions about her life. And you also are entitled to your life and to give priority to your family. While she is still able to sign legal documents, make sure all of her paperwork is in order (your sibling may be in a better position to see to this). She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. This is something all responsible adults should do. Have a discussion with her about what she wants if she is no longer capable of caring for herself, which can happen to anyone as they age, or even if they get in an accident and break a bone, for example. The two basic options are in-home caregivers or an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. The advantage of a facility is skilled staff, people her own age, and abilty-appropriate activities, and they take care of every need: meals, housekeeping, laundry, etc. If she does move to a facility, she shouldn't take valuables with her or have any financial documents. Someone else should take over her finances and have the statements and bills sent to their address. Much will depend on her finances. You live far away from her and have a family. You'll have to tell her that with your family, you cannot move or take responsibility for her daily care. And clearly your sibling also cannot do this. Don't let her put a guilt trip on you about not being her daily caregiver. She is an adult and must plan for her own aging and the possibility of being incapable of caring for herself at some point. A local social worker in her area may be able to advise on her options. Your siblings are in a better position to speak with the local social worker than you are. If she is no longer capable of caring for herself and her home, and is not of sound mind, one of the siblings may have to apply for guardianship, and will make the decisions for her. Since you visit so rarely, try to make your visits quality time where you spend loving time with her and you both enjoy yourselves. If she moves to a facility, it would be best if she moves to one close to her POA for medical matters, so that they can visit often and oversee her care. All the best to you all!

If she is of enough sound mind, I would not agree to anything until she signed POA, agreed to guardianship, or whatever. It would be even better to turn the business part over to someone else so you and she can enjoy a personal relationship.

I was in your sister's shoes with an elderly aunt a few years ago. Her grandchildren and son did very little to help her. I stepped up and the wants and needs grew daily. Soon I was running my butt off daily doing her shopping, managing her meds, taking her to the doctor, out to eat etc.

Most of it, I did not mind, but I CLEARLY drew the boundary line that I would be HOME with my spouse in the evenings and at night. I worked on her for over 2 years trying to convince her to move to assisted living. Finally her health got so bad that even she realized she could not stay alone.

As many have stated here, the health issues and falling injuries make the decisions for them. DO NOT uproot your family. DO NOT!

My father with moderate ALZ lives alone 3000 miles away from me. His girlfriend is there 3-4 days a week for now and he has friends that check on him. My sibling lives nearby and they don’t have much of a relationship but he’s there if there is an emergency. He also has an in law apartment attached to his house and I’m working with a friend of his who may be able to stay there while he is between housing. I told him he can stay for free if he just keeps an eye on my dad. Totally worth it to just know someone is there. I know that I simply can not live with him full time. I would become his 24/7 caregiver as when I am around he pretty much doesn’t want anyone else. He can be very difficult and aggressive, even before his DX. I love him dearly, but I know my limits. Most likely when/if the time comes for memory care it will be triggered by an event and if he lives alone they will not send him home and that will be my chance to get him placed. I am researching MC facilities and getting him on a couple of waiting lists and I have wrangled most of his finances away from him (I have POA) without him even knowing I’ve done it. Out of sight, out of mind with the bills for him. All you can do is be as pro-active as possible and try to maintain your life.

Hampton, you've told your mom what you ARE willing to do (have her relocate close to you so that you can provide for her care under your watchful eye).

She has chosen not to cooperate.

SHE'S the one who needs care and thus needs to be the one willing to be flexible.

You have no reason to feel guilty.

The lump in your chest is "waiting for the crisis". Talk to ANYONE who has had an elder in their life and they will understand what you mean.

It sounds like you and your sister have a lot of love and are caring children! It’s unfortunate that your mom, at a young age (77) is no longer able to drive. I remember dreading that my mom would have to stop driving because of the loss of independence that often leads to, but she was 88. On a positive note, at least your mom knows her limitations; many people struggle with getting the keys away from their aging parent!

As I read your post, I wonder, is the social withdrawal typical for her? What was she like when she was younger? Some people are introverts, and they aren’t going to change into more outgoing individuals as seniors. Perhaps her inability to get involved with others is related to anxiety or she may be experiencing grief from entering a phase of life during which she is losing her independence. Just a couple thoughts!!

One idea might be to invite her to your home regularly for a nice long visit. When I was a kid, my grandmother would come to visit for a chunk of time (3 or 4 weeks). I loved that and cherish memories of those visits. Maybe once or twice a year, your mom could do something like that. It doesn’t solve your problem, but it gives Mom something to look forward to.

Another thought I had was what I did when my mom needed help cleaning. I had a friend who did housecleaning on the side. My mom “did her a favor” by hiring her a couple of times per month. I was with mom while she met with my friend and during the first time she came by to clean. My presence at those initial times made a big difference. She NEVER would have followed through without me there at first. My friend even brought along her sweet young son to do his homework while she cleaned. He definitely was more interested in chatting with my mom than homework which of course Mom loved!!

My cousin, who is much more assertive than I am, told her mother that she had to do ONE activity a week. She somehow got her into a bowling league, and that was her only “thing.” Her mother ended up absolutely loving that.

Baby steps are usually best for elders during times of transition. I’m glad you have a sister to collaborate with! Perhaps you two can think like teenagers again and figure out ways to gang up Mom to get away with what you want.

Best wishes! Let us know how things work out!!

Your mother may need to begin to accept some outside help. Assisted Living is not a given. The %-age of older people living in AL's is actually very small. Moving into an AL is often done to relieve family of feeling responsible for an elder's care. You and your sibling might be able to act as overseerers as your mother looks for in-home help she can stand.

Don’t fall for this act. Your mother is being selfish and extremely manipulative. Something will happen to bring the situation to a crisis point. Your sibling probably knows she’s trying to play both of you to provide care she can afford to pay for, but your sibling isn’t buying into it as you are. It can hardly be said that you are abandoning your mother just because you have a life of your own.

Guilt is manipulation, would you ever pull your kids from their life at any age to come tend to your needs? I’m guessing No.

My mother long before she was a senior has always guilted us kids to whatever she wanted. Now that she’s an elderly woman we are exhausted.

Set the example of what’s acceptable for your kids, don’t kill yourself helping folks that are being selfish. Politely guide them in the right direction so it doesn’t become generational.

First of all, you and your children are not going to pack up your lives and relocate 3,000 miles away to become servants to your fussy mother.
Make sure she knows this.
Now, I want you to show your mother this post. I have worked as a caregiver (mostly to elderly) for 25 years. Homecare and assisted living.
I would tell her what I have told so many, many other elderly people who were being stubborn and refusing all help if it wasn't going to be done by family members of their choosing.

"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".

No truer words have ever been said or written.

So it's either accept the help that you arrange for her or she's on her own. It won't be long until the state places her.
Don't you play her games and fall for the guilt-tripping and manipulation.
You have not "abandoned" your mother. You are willing to get homecare set up for her. You are willing to manage all of it to help her.
Many of elderly "loved ones" aka senior brats think that unless their families are willing to jump through hoops, cater to their every whim, and give up their lives to live in miserable servitude to them then they're abandoning them.
Pleasr for your own sake and your childrens' don't get guilted into this. Stop calling her every day.
When you do call her refuse to discuss anything that is not related to setting her up with either homecare services or her moving into a senior community.
A crisis will happen. Then your mother will no longer be making her own choices between homecare and AL. The state will and she will get placed in a nursing home.
Show her this post. If she values her independence, she'll knock it off with the being stubborn nonsense.

What do you do? Live your own life. Raise your kids.

Mom gets to live her own life too. Some people enjoy sharing their misery and discomfort. If she is basically OK, no out of control health issues, adequate food and sanitation, then she can complain all she wants and you can chose to listen or not. I vote for your calls being about her grandchildren, short and sweet.

Listen to your sibling. Support the one who is closest and most involved. They need and deserve it. When they decide Mom must move, then you can take a trip and help. Otherwise, nothing to feel guilty about.

I think your mum is trying to guilt trip you. Mine did the same. Some elderly people can be very selfish and only think about themselves and feel they are owed everybody's attention and care. They like to be a victim and won't do anything to help themselves. Again this was my mum. My advice is live your life and don't give in to her demands. She has lived most of her life and you deserve to live yours. If she won't help herself then she'll just have to get on the best she can. Sorry if that sounds heartless but I've been there and some people just love being miserable and love people feeling sorry for them. Goodness knows why. My mum dragged me down so much i needed counselling, please don't let that happen to you. Good luck.

My mom refuses to be placed in a nursing home or assisted living and it's dragging us down!

Her demands are ridiculous and my brother and I deserve to have our own lives away from her

How about moving mom to a facility near you or move her and hire in-home care where you can check on her and maybe put up baby cams? Who has POA?