My daughter has cancer and was given 8 months to live and has surpassed that by 3 months. I have a stressful job, but they allow me to come and go to help with my daughter 5 days a week from 2:30-6. After 6 I go back to work to make up those hours. I'm stressed, sad, exhausted and have no time for my 3 yr old granddaughter. My daughter has 4 other siblings who hardly ever go see her or offer to help. I'm so angry that he just told me I'm selfish. Whenever they ask me to watch her on the weekend, I say yes. This week I was to go get my granddaughter from school and take her to lunch but I had to cancel because my daughter had a set back and due to to much radiation on her spine, she's now unable to walk. I do miss my granddaughter but I dont have anything left to give anyone at this time. My kids only call me when they need something yet they wont go see their sister. My priority is to keep my daughter fighting and not alone. Her husband, dad and I are the only ones that split the time and her friends have distanced themselves. I don't know how to get my kids to understand their sister is not going to be here much longer and I resent being told I have my priorities wrong. How do I get past this and find the right words to say to my oldest son?
BTW. May love guide your way forward xx
It must be terribly hard for you to understand your children's attitude to their sister. What your son said to you about priorities was unkind to you and callous towards his sister. Is he unkind or heartless, as a person? Presumably not - so why's he saying stuff like this?
Partly, his sister's needs are inconveniencing him. Your reliable, loving and free baby-sitting service, which any young parents would love to have on tap, is no longer so available.
Partly, your devoted attention to your child - what parent can't understand that? - is a rebuke to him on a subject he wishes away. He can't make his sister better. I expect that, like many people, he is utterly at a loss about how to cope with her situation. So he wishes it wasn't happening. You keep reminding him that it is. How inconsiderate.
Partly, maybe he's hurting. People often lash out when they feel pain, and very often without picking a target - they just hit whatever's closest, and that would be you.
How to respond to him? - Jeanne's answer sounds good to me. But if it doesn't work, or if the right moment for it doesn't come up, you could try writing down your priorities, allotting each its time allowance, and see for yourself whether your priorities seem right. I personally think they make perfect sense except that I'm not sure when you're supposed to sleep or eat.
I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. As a consolation, your daughter has her husband and her parents for support - is it even possible that she wouldn't want to spare the energy for a lot of input from her siblings, and this way is better?
You are facing losing your daughter--and your son calls you out b/c you can't babysit for him?
Wow, my son is 38 years old and if he spoke to me like that I'd smack him upside the head.
I loved what Jeanne said. Do that..spend your time with your daughter. If that angers your son, it speaks more to his lack of character than anything.
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I don’t know what your family dynamics are or if there’s a specific reason or reasons why your other children aren’t visiting nor helping with your ill daughter, but I will tell you that going through what you’re going through no one has the right to do or say anything that’s not king, caring and helpful.
So honestly what I would say to him is something along the lines of: Son, I love you and love my granddaughter very much; but if you -being a father- cannot understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, I’ve nothing to say to you as you actually don’t deserve an answer.
And set boundaries please, don’t answer calls or receive visits from anybody, including your other kids, that will upset you. It’s the minimum you owe to yourself.
God bless you busymomof5!!
The other daughter nailed it when she called her sister out for being angry about losing her free babysitter. That's exactly what it came down to. My friend had provided so much free babysitting, under the guise of "spending time with the grandkids," that her daughter's freedoms were seriously curtailed when she could no longer do it.