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My daughter has cancer and was given 8 months to live and has surpassed that by 3 months. I have a stressful job, but they allow me to come and go to help with my daughter 5 days a week from 2:30-6. After 6 I go back to work to make up those hours. I'm stressed, sad, exhausted and have no time for my 3 yr old granddaughter. My daughter has 4 other siblings who hardly ever go see her or offer to help. I'm so angry that he just told me I'm selfish. Whenever they ask me to watch her on the weekend, I say yes. This week I was to go get my granddaughter from school and take her to lunch but I had to cancel because my daughter had a set back and due to to much radiation on her spine, she's now unable to walk. I do miss my granddaughter but I dont have anything left to give anyone at this time. My kids only call me when they need something yet they wont go see their sister. My priority is to keep my daughter fighting and not alone. Her husband, dad and I are the only ones that split the time and her friends have distanced themselves. I don't know how to get my kids to understand their sister is not going to be here much longer and I resent being told I have my priorities wrong. How do I get past this and find the right words to say to my oldest son?

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First of all, from my heart, I’m am very sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t even imagine how hard this is being for you.

I don’t know what your family dynamics are or if there’s a specific reason or reasons why your other children aren’t visiting nor helping with your ill daughter, but I will tell you that going through what you’re going through no one has the right to do or say anything that’s not king, caring and helpful.

So honestly what I would say to him is something along the lines of: Son, I love you and love my granddaughter very much; but if you -being a father- cannot understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, I’ve nothing to say to you as you actually don’t deserve an answer.

And set boundaries please, don’t answer calls or receive visits from anybody, including your other kids, that will upset you. It’s the minimum you owe to yourself.

God bless you busymomof5!!
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When one of my dear friends had open heart surgery, she had to give up a lot of time she used to spend with her grandkids. She could barely breathe for weeks beforehand, and she was in recovery for a long time afterwards. One of her daughters was furious with her for not having the grandkids over as she had previously done, and wouldn't even speak to her for months. She made her husband do any necessary communications. She didn't seem to care how sick her mom was, or how serious the surgery was.

The other daughter nailed it when she called her sister out for being angry about losing her free babysitter. That's exactly what it came down to. My friend had provided so much free babysitting, under the guise of "spending time with the grandkids," that her daughter's freedoms were seriously curtailed when she could no longer do it.
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Oh yeah, Busymom; whatever time you spend with your daughter is the last you'll ever have with her on this earth....
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Busymomof5 sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but at 29 years old you think they more grown up & think more in a mature way...this is when you need support & the family to work together. .take care of yourself too you do not want to overdo it
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Busymomof5 you are not the selfish one here its your son & your other kids how selfish of them for not being with their dying sister...Sorry to hear about your daughters illness but you are doing the right thing making her your priority...spend as much time as you can with her make sweet memories cherish your time with her. My thoughts & prayers are with you stay strong.
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Your son is being incredibly selfish--not you.
You are facing losing your daughter--and your son calls you out b/c you can't babysit for him?
Wow, my son is 38 years old and if he spoke to me like that I'd smack him upside the head.
I loved what Jeanne said. Do that..spend your time with your daughter. If that angers your son, it speaks more to his lack of character than anything.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
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Busymom'5. Your son and his family are the ones being selfish. You are inconviencing them by not being constantly available for free baby sitting My goodness how could you be so inconsiderate as to mess up their plans for the weekend. Tell them to get over it and grow up. Your daughter desperately needs her Mom at this time and there will be plenty of time to lavish love and attention on your grand daughter In the very near future. By the way do your other children have kids of their own too?
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Jeanne's idea is great.

It must be terribly hard for you to understand your children's attitude to their sister. What your son said to you about priorities was unkind to you and callous towards his sister. Is he unkind or heartless, as a person? Presumably not - so why's he saying stuff like this?

Partly, his sister's needs are inconveniencing him. Your reliable, loving and free baby-sitting service, which any young parents would love to have on tap, is no longer so available.

Partly, your devoted attention to your child - what parent can't understand that? - is a rebuke to him on a subject he wishes away. He can't make his sister better. I expect that, like many people, he is utterly at a loss about how to cope with her situation. So he wishes it wasn't happening. You keep reminding him that it is. How inconsiderate.

Partly, maybe he's hurting. People often lash out when they feel pain, and very often without picking a target - they just hit whatever's closest, and that would be you.

How to respond to him? - Jeanne's answer sounds good to me. But if it doesn't work, or if the right moment for it doesn't come up, you could try writing down your priorities, allotting each its time allowance, and see for yourself whether your priorities seem right. I personally think they make perfect sense except that I'm not sure when you're supposed to sleep or eat.

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. As a consolation, your daughter has her husband and her parents for support - is it even possible that she wouldn't want to spare the energy for a lot of input from her siblings, and this way is better?
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Yep, love the advice above.

BTW. May love guide your way forward xx
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"How about we trade? You come spend some time with my daughter, your sister, and I'll spend that time with your daughter, my precious granddaughter?"
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