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First thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. I realize I'm not alone nor crazy. Actually it sounds like I'm the daughter of a Narcissists mother in some aspect. I think I could have written half of these letters. Same experiences. Hates anyone I went out with and now my husband she tolerates because she needs him to do her bidding. I'm always helping, always there. But never enough or good enough. Parents - Mom 84 (mild dementia), Dad 89 follow me where ever I move. I end up having to pack up their house for them each time with no thanks just accused of throwing or loosing their stuff. Finally they moved into an Independent Living, Dad was getting frail. They also complained everyday about the house so I suggested they try the Independent Living so now accused of pushing them to sell their house. Always there to take mom out, use to take her weekly for hair and lunch, or Dad to his appointments, or a run to the beer store or drug store. Or fill their water cooler, or cut Dad's toes or cut his hair...well you know how it goes. And always right now, although they make it sound like I'm so busy so they say sweetly when ever you can. But if I don't jump right away I get a phone call that day. And with no hello just "Where's my...., you said you were bringing it"... If I don't call every few days or visit every other day it's the same. "Where have you been stranger, you don't visit anymore" Dad sleeps a lot and Mom would not tell him I stopped in. They also tell everyone how busy I am, or when I ask why they didn't call me to take them to an appointment they struggled with I get "Well your busy"..and get a cousin or a helper to do their bidding. They also fight daily and it's very stressful when visiting. I can only manage a coffee when I stop by before I need to leave. And like one lady wrote, everyone tells me how much they like my mom but they don't know what she is really like behind closed doors. She can't stand the residents and wants to move out. Against the advice of everyone I take her around to look at houses. But that's what she likes to do (she will never buy another house) and as a good daughter I take her. I have an older brother (the golden child) who lives too far to visit but supports me emotionally. On a few occasions when I was at mom's he would call and I'd here her say "love you" at the end of the conversation but she never says that to me. When I say "love you" I get the dial tone. You have to laugh...So my father was near the end of his life in the spring. I arranged funeral details, spent hours at the hospital with him where my mother stayed home. Said goodbye to my father, talked about after life. He was ready. But he was released to go home with health workers coming in twice a day to help mom and from there he seemed to bounce back. Over the years there had been many false calls. Actually many goodbyes too. Well last month he seemed to be even frailer, sleeping more. My husband and I were to go on vacation in the summer that was booked and paid for. Do we cancel? (another cancelled trip due to Dad's health) but my brother said go and he sent his wife to be with Mom. Besides I needed a break from the madness. Dad was fine when I left, sitting up going to the bathroom on his own and eating. We figured he would still be around but I had made arrangements should something happen. But of course he past peacefully in his sleep while I was away and I am now the most vile person on earth. I wasn't there for "her". I have never seen such anger or heard such awful things come out her. She wants me out of her life never to see me again. She hardly looked at me at the funeral. After the funeral she left with my brother and continued to say awful things about me and my husband. My brother defended me as much as he could. Remember he wasn't there either but he could have been. But that doesn't matter - I'm the daughter! So mom is flying home in two weeks and to tell you the truth I'm not looking forward to it but I'm the only one she's got here except for a few resident workers she uses or a niece (doesn't like any of them but will use them). The last thing I said to her was "I love you, I'm not angry and when you need me call and I'll come." Something about hell freezes over and that I have never bothered with her before (really??) and get the F out of my life!....so there you have it. I can't crawl back as she would like and the excuse that she's 84 and angry Dad died doesn't cut it. She didn't even like him. It's all about her. Thanks...I had to vent...

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Update - Well mom came back from my brother's. I think he was happy to send her home since he emailed me the details of her flight and said - "Tag your it"...I hope my kids never say that about me. Anyhow, it was killing me not to contact her because I knew she needed help, but heard your advise Sue888. Eventually my son called to say Grandma called and was buying a condo and that I should call her. It was a ruse of course..so after a couple of glasses of wine for courage I called her. She was cold, distant but I acted like nothing was wrong. Asked her about the condo (she loves to talk about buying and selling homes that she use to do years ago)..she mentally can't function with all the details anymore but I let her talk about the idea of buying another house...(she wants out of the Independent Living) so after a few visits to the bank, and accountant with her to help with Dad's papers (lots to do when they pass) she is finally coming around. She knows she needs me. but I don't push. She still answers with a cold hello..but eventually warms up. From the stories I have read here, I think as her dementia gets worse she will probably lash out at me again, so I am treading with caution.
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Wow, you folks here are incredible. I can't thank you enough for all your very good and sound advice. I'd like to think I'm a bit wiser than this, but when you are in the middle of it you just don't see it. What I am taking away from all of this is to definitely give her space and wait for her to reach out to me. It will be hard because she needs help but she won't let on to others, how bad it is. I've set boundaries before in the past. "Don't call before 9 am", "Make a list and I will go/take you out and do the list on Friday", "I can't quit my job to be your errand girl 24/7",...She would either forget, or say she had someone else do it for her, or tell everyone how busy I am..translated "My daughter is too busy for us"..... btw she still drives and is quite good at it so she can get around. Oh here is a good one..during their last trips to Florida picture me pushing two wheelchairs at the airport!! She couldn't see herself walking all that way. I had to get a porter to finally help. But I have no one to blame but myself. I enabled them. I see that now...to be the good daughter...So I do want to address a couple of you here, Sue888; for sure I need to leave her be for awhile at the Independent Living condo so she can start to socialize. She as been there over 2 years and doesn't partake in any activities and used my dad as an excuse to have the meals brought upstairs for the last 5 months never wandering out of the apartment except for the occasional drive to pick something up. The people are wonderful there, the building is beautiful with it's own pub room. I want to live there when I'm older! but Mom hates it...but you are right Sue888, as long as I'm her social life she won't bother with anyone. MrsParker5 oh absolutely. I always welcomed those periods of silence from her and to be honest I'm looking forward to letting her make the first move. An even longer break. :) But of course it bothers me since I know she needs help. But I don't feel guilty, as several of you said. I did everything I could for them/her to the best of my capabilities. And finally Twillie, I am so so sorry for what you went through with your husband and son. I can't even imagine...my problems seem so insignificant. I hope you are doing well now...Take care, God bless.
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I'm so sorry for your loss--and cling to that knowledge that you were "good" with dad before he passed.

Death is very personal--I think, So often we feel so horrible that someone passes and we're not there--but maybe that's how they would have wanted it.

Your mom is damaged, and sounds pretty unhinged. My mom has told me off and told me to go to H#ll several times. I take her at her word and give her space. She didn't grieve one single day for my dad--that we could see--but what people feel privately, we'll never really know. Cut her some slack for a while, You have done all you can and more.

Take care of you and do your grieving. I still mourn my daddy and he's been gone 12 years. Not daily and certainly not all day--but there are things I want to tell him--and he's not there. Be gentle with yourself. I think our mothers could be twins--sadly, there are a lot of really self absorbed people in the world.

I remember when my FIL died. He had been divorced from MIL for 15 years. MIL didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE his death to her kids with this man. Yet, she was furious her neighbors didn't acknowledge her "widowhood". So weird.

Don't let mom abuse you, You lost someone too. It's not all about her.
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I tend to take people at their word so if someone told me to get the "F" out of their life, I would do just that. Maybe you can't do this permanently but stay away long enough for her to feel the consequences of her actions. Just because she lost her life partner does not give her the right to abuse you.
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Dear Wagonwheel61,
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and what a difficult situation this is for you--full of guilt and blame. You have an abusive mother. When you have an abusive parent or partner, it's hard to grasp that no matter what you do, they will keep right on being abusive. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you and visa versa, but this is the kind of relationship that you might need some extra help with, particularly on how to set boundaries. Re: your dad, All you can tell her at this point is that you know how how hard it must have been for her to be alone when your dad died and how you wish you could have been there. My one other feedback is that when she says how busy you are, even when you've made it clear you're available, it sounds like her guilt talking. And guilt quickly turns to resentment and anger. It might actually help her if you set boundaries on when you are and are not available so that she can complain away when you're not available, but not feel guilty about when you are helping her. Take care of yourself-- I mean, really, take care of yourself.
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You've come to the right place to vent. I don't get the understanding and support from anyone else as I do from the posters here. What a relief when I saw that I was not crazy or a b***h, or dillusional.

My mom plays us siblings too, always has although nothing as bad as you describe. I'm the one here so I am the slave. Favors and extras have become expectations, and then demands, with little regard to how much effort is constantly being put forth. One sib, living far away, is the "favorite" although she does and has done less than zero for mom.
Sigh....that hurts.
But I realized that it's not what my mom or my sibs think of me that matters. It's the peace I feel in my heart that I have done the right thing and to the best of my ability. If what I do is truly not good enough then someone else should take over.

As caregivers we know that part of the job is getting and taking flak. About nothing or about everything. Whatever.
What is NOT part of the job is receiving abuse of any kind.
I give my mom a lot of leeway because it can't be easy being her right now. She's not doing anything to me, this is something being done to her. But I shut down any abusive behavior immediately by not responding and walking away.
I'm here in case of bona-fide emergency but other than that, it's time out.

When things get hairy from time to time all I ever say is "ok".
"Your sister is nicer than you are. Maybe she should live here instead of you."
OK. Walk away

"You need to go and learn some manners"
OK. Walk away

"I don't like this. Go make me something else"
OK. Walk away.

I actually have a little fun with it and mom has learned to think before she speaks.

I hope you are not doing all that you do for validation or affection from your mom. I think you'll be waiting forever.

Maybe just take her advice.

"I don't ever want to see you again!"
OK. Walk away. Far away.

Let her stew in her own words for awhile. Long enought that she begins to wonder at least, if you really are gone.

Take that time to put the thoughts of mom in the backseat (or trunk) and put you in the drivers seat. Put you first. Yes, YOU. Before you forget how. Untangle your life from mom's life. Caring is good but you are separate people. Her life cannot be your life.

I'm tired. I'm babbling now.
I wish you luck.
Hugs.
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Your mother appears to have been demanding throughout your life. Accept that, but also consider...today this is a woman with dementia. Some things that she does that aggravate you may well be a result of her dementia. You say that you would visit and she would not tell your father that you had come by. She may not have remembered that you had come by. Calling you to ask when you were going to bring things, may be because she forgot that it was arranged that you would bring them at your convenience.  To admit she forgot is to acknowledge she is fading, so she may respond in a snippy manner. It sounds like you have been supportive and tried to say the things that need to be said to bring her comfort...but what if she does not remember you said those words? I found that my mother could hide the level of confusion very effectively. On some very deep instinctual level she picked up on cues and responded appropriately even when she did not really understand what was going on.

Your mother has lost her life partner. Under stress it is not uncommon for people to express anger to/at the the person(s) that are closest and least likely to leave them. I know you are exhausted and feel ill treated, but try to find compassion for her, her life has ended as she knew it.

There is a way of separating from her and dealing with her unemotionally. It helped me when Momma was being difficult to remind myself that I was dealing with the sickness. That allowed me to be less emotionally responsive. Give her enough space to keep yourself healthy. Don't take on blame you don't deserve and do not internalize her accusations or snubs. Be light, airy and tell her you love her. Refuse to join her in verbal fencing. Find a couple of good broad responses that you can use for challenging moments; "I am sorry you feel that way", "I will always love you, no matter what". Be as generous as you can bring yourself to be. If she speaks unkindly to you, don't engage, try to redirect and if you can't do that remove yourself from the situation.

She has worn you out over a lifetime. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you the best.
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Dear wagonwheel61,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's behaviour. From everything you are saying, you have tried over and over again to appease her. I know its not easy. I know you love her and want to help her and be a good daughter. But like so many others have said, what more could you do? You have done it. Your patience and kindness has been pushed to the limit.

I tried to do what both my parents wanted my whole life. To the point, where I don't address my own needs and I've been angry and resentful. Now that my father has passed away, I deeply regret not having better boundaries or getting more help for myself. I am trying harder now with my mom to have better boundaries. I do want to spend time with her, I do want to help her, but not like before. Its the same with others in the family. I have to learn to cure myself of the disease to please. I know its not easy when it comes to parents. Take a step back and just let her reach out to you. I know it will be hard, but let her take the steps. You have given more than enough.
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I have a friend whose father, like urs, family would think, this is it and it wasn't. She and husband had planned a trip to Hawaii months in advance. Friend asked the facility what would she do if he passed while she was away. She was told to go on her vacation and enjoy the time. If he passed, the funeral arrangements could be done when she got back. So she went. He passed but after she got home. My SIL is mad at her sister because the day after their Dads funeral the sister went on a previously planned cruise. Now SIL takes cruises all the time and knows they r nonrefundable. Her Mom had SIL and son there if she needed someone. I bet Mom didn't mind.
We can't be at parents beck and call. There r resourses your Mom can use. Like previously posted, there is probably a bus that takes them shopping and to appointments. They also go to Shows and outings.
I think stepping back is a good idea. Call every few days and say ur thinking about her and if she needs anything call. Boundries are needed. Dad had his so I had no problem getting Mom to honor mine. We picked a day during the week we would grocery shop. (Something I hate) I set p appts since I worked pt. and drove her. She hired someone to mow her lawn. She called in people to fix things. She did not expect me or my husband to do this. Yes ur Mom is older but as long as she is capable she should do her own stuff.
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Thank you for venting. I have done the same thing a few times on here. Your story sounds very familiar to me so I know some of what you are feeling. Everything you are thinking is valid and you are not crazy. One of the things I learned here was to "disconnect in love". Just remove yourself from the situation for as long as you can and not feel guilty. It could be a day or weeks. My first time was 2 weeks. I told my parents I was there for them but not to call me for 2 weeks unless it was an emergency. Nothing happened and at the end of the 2 weeks I had a better perspective and attitude. My father eventually passed away after about a year of all the ups and downs. I hate to say it but that time was so difficult that when he passed it was actually more of a relief than anything else. My mom is still alive so I am still dealing with her. I know eventually I will be able to process my father's death but right now everything has shifted to taking care of mom. So you see there are good times and bad times in this journey but we keep moving forward, taking rests when we can. Hang in there.
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Listen to Sue888
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I never thought anyone but me had had this happen to them. My mom acted the very same way when my dad was dying of cancer. I was there a lot, even after the hospitalizations when they (the family) would all leave once they got dad in a room. The last two weeks he was in a hospice facility and though I lived 50 miles away I was there alost every day. Some days I would go very early in the morning to be with him alone without the disturbance of church people that came constantly. It was like a circus and my dad was the one being gawked at as he lay there suffering and dying. The nurse had to make a 2 person visitor only policy (which I encouraged). The day we were told would be his last I was there for 10 or 12 hours (along with a waiting room of at least a dozen other people). Well by 11pm I was exhausted, told my mother I needed to go home. Dad clung to life and passed the next day when no one was there - except my brother who was holding vigil nearby and had stopped in at Super Bowl halftime when Dad took his last breath.

I went to the hospice when I got this call and sat with my father's body. I had been greeted by the nurse who told me my mother was extremely angry at me for leaving the night before. Well my mother had been extremely angry during my dad's entire illness and demanded a lot from me. No matter that my 29 year old son was going through surgeries and chemo and radiation for colon cancer and I was there for him, his wife and baby, all while trying to work a demanding job in Atlanta.

My mother's anger never let up through the funeral and beyond. She scapegoated me and got other family members on board with her. It got worse when I learned dad had left me a small inheritance. Her toxic behavior caused me and my husband marital problems. He ultimately killed himself and my son died 2 years later of cancer.

I've had lots of therapy and have created boundaries (not that it is always easy) but I am a testament to how toxic family members can destroy your life. My relationship with my dad was precious to me and I'm not at all sure I could have watched him take his last breath nor would he have wanted me to.

Live your life and devote your love to your immediate family and friends. Don't get enmeshed with your mother and good luck.
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This is the perfect time to reset your relationship with your mom. Eventually she'll want you back in her life to do her bidding. Wait for her to reach out to you. Be ready and when she calls YOU set the limits. Limit your visits. "Mom, I have Monday free. Make a list of what you want to get done and we can do it all then." After the visit tell her you'll let her know when you're free the following week.
My mom is in independent living and as long as I was available all the time she didn't get involved in activities or meeting anyone. Why should she? She had me for her entire social life. It's important that while your mom is in independent living and capable that she get involved and get her own social life. Don't get sucked back in to the old toxic relationship or you'll be miserable. This is your opportunity to take your life back!
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First, my sympathy on your loss, wagonwheel61.

Your description of your mother could have been written by me. Unlike some folks, I do not excuse bad behavior from senior citizens if they are fortunate enough to have their mental faculties. Aging is tough, yes, but it is no excuse for elders to treat others with a lack of respect and kindness.

My mother is currently in rehab after surgery. Just yesterday she vented her spleen on her nurses, therapists, and me. Today I called to tell her I would be taking two days off from visiting her. (I have been "on duty" almost daily for the last three weeks.) At age 90, she will never change so I need to put some distance between myself and her selfishness.

I am also thinking about starting therapy. I already rely on prescription medication to get through the worst times. I also need to develop a network of supporters separate from my mother and her side of the family, who all specialize in critical judgments of myself and others. They all wear me out.

I daydream of jumping in my car and heading to another state under an assumed named! LOL.  Not to sound glib, but I would welcome a situation in which my mother cuts me out of her life. It would be a relief.

My best to you during this difficult time.
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See a therapist. Find out why you feel guilty for not doing everything your parents tell you to do. You were not born to be a slave to your parent's wishes. It's time to break free.
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What do you say to her?

You've said all that you need to. That you're not angry, you love her, and you will be there for her as you always have been.

I have to say, I think that's exemplary forgiveness on your part. And, surely, enough?
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Give your Mom some time to deal with your Dad's passing. Give her some space. She is only blaming you because she truly wasn't ready to loose him. You mentioned that you used to take your Mom places. You need to start doing that again gradually. Maybe start out with getting a pedicure or manicure together then afterwards go to lunch. It is a great way to get her mind off your Dad. It will give her a chance to see there is still life after death. My Mom is 92 and we go grocery shopping every weekend then go to dinner with my family or she comes over to my house. We also get body massages once a month together. She loves it. She looks forward to the time she spends with me. I only see her once a week so that I get the needed time with my family and my self time. My Mom still drives 6 miles a day to the Senior Center and back home. She goes there every day for lunch as they serve lunch made by the local hospital and she pays $2.50 for a nice meal. The Senior Center has many activities for everyone from crafts, to exercises to playing cards. They also sponsor monthly day trips that range in price from $10 to $100. I would check with the Senior Centers near your Mom to see what they have available. Go with you Mom one day and show her what is available and have her meet others there. She might surprise you and finds that she enjoys it there. It will keep her engaged during the day and help her to make friends. She needs a support system to get over her loss. This is a good way to begin.
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It sounds like you're dealing with a narcissist who's cycle has run its course. You had no control over where you were or when your dad died or where he would be when he died. She's trying to control you and she just needs to suck it up and get over it. If she never wants to see you again, I'd say, "goodbye" and "don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out."
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It's your mother's lost for keeping you out of her life. Do not feel guilty. Especially if you know in your heart that you have done whatever you can to help your mom. Do not let your mom "take you down" that miserable path she is on. Sorry for being so harsh but at her age she will not change. She sounds like she has been unhappy most of her life. Her fault, not yours. Go forward and enjoy your life.
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Thank you freqflyer and jennegibbs. Good advice and thanks for the perspective.
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When I read your post title I thought just what freqflyer said -- grief does strange things to people's emotions. But after reading your entire post I don't think this is strange behavior at all. It is your mom's usual behavior on steroids.

But whatever the reasons behind her behavior, I do think you need to detach a bit more from this toxic presence. Don't abandon her, but set clear boundaries (and enforce them) and cut back on your exposure to her. When she gets nasty, leave or end the phone conversation quickly. "It sounds like you are not in a good mood to talk. I'll try again later."

But ... my mother was not narcissistic. I'm only repeating what I've learned on this forum. People who have been in your shoes will be along in the next few days and give you their advice.
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wagonwheel61, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

Regarding your Mom and how she is reacting to you, it could be grief, as the love of her life is no longer there. I know you mentioned that she really didn't like him. It's tough getting older, there are so many things that one cannot do any more. I think most of us would be grumpy at that stage. So I say, let it go, hopefully this angry phase will pass sooner than later.

Now is a good time to set boundaries. Write down everything you do for your Mom, and I mean everything. Now cross off half the items. Now cross off a couple more. When Mom starts calling you and ask you to do something, check the list, if you had crossed that off say to Mom "Sorry, I can't possibly do that" and don't go into detail. Yes Mom will we angry and throw into the conversation the guilt trip.

Since Mom lives in an Independent Living community, there are community buses that take the residents to different stores, Mom needs to learn to check their schedule and use that service. Hopefully she will met some other ladies that she can become friends with. They can all chat amongst themselves how terrible their grown children are :P

In a week or two, call Mom to see how she is doing. But be prepared to hang up the phone quickly. At least you tried.
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