Usually we exchange chatty notes, but this year, I don't know what to say. The guy they knew is gone. How do I tell them where our lives are today? This is so painful that I am tempted to say nothing or forget the cards all together.
Honesty is always the best policy. If these folks are "close enough" they will want to know what is going on so they can support you along the way. This is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of, and it may give another of your friends the permission needed to be open and honest about what is going on in their life as well. God bless you.
This is difficult. You could keep it really general but honest without mentioning the diagnosis. There’s always later for that. This year, maybe short and sweet, “We enjoyed working in the garden this year, and here’s a picture of Cheryl with the big pumpkin she grew,” or “we welcomed our third grandchild, Francee Elizabeth, on June 2, and…..” My LO is very clear that he doesn’t like his diagnosis broadcast for now. How does your LO feel about that?
Very understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong. You could write something out on some scrap paper that you want to include to some people. They may be able to give you a shoulder to cry on and some moral support, which they can't do if they don't know you are dealing with big issues.
You can say that it pains you to let them know in this fashion but that your husband has AZ now and that this has been very difficult for both of you. Or something to that effect?
There's nothing wrong with saying little and just signing your names as many people do. Also nothing wrong with forgetting them entirely.
I've already posted an answer to this, but I wanted to mention how a friend of mine has handled it this year. Her husband recently went into hospice care, and she has an operation scheduled this month. She emailed me with that information and said she didn't want to include it in her Christmas greeting because it detracts from the joy of Christmas. Today I received their Christmas card, which only has their picture and the printed religious greeting. Nice solution.
I don't think a "Christmas card" is the time or the place to announce where your lives are with DH having AD, personally. I'd call each of your friends individually, or send them a note after the holidays, and let them know about your husband's health situation and what's going on in your lives currently.
Me? I haven't sent out Christmas cards since the 90s! I think I receive about 4 of them a year, and one contains a "Christmas letter" from my cousin full of chatty news of her life and what's been going on for the past year, including all the deaths, funerals, etc. Seems idiotic to me, but that's just my opinion.
I don't know if your entire Christmas list needs to know, so this might be a time to pare down the list to nearest and dearest, and even consider sending a note out after Christmas so it doesn't sound like "Merry Christmas! Life is horrible!" That way you don't have to use the obligatory Christmas card and can just use paper instead.
Last year was absolutely horrible in our family. My mother died after a long battle with dementia, then in December I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis three times in as many weeks. Frankly, there was nothing good to report, so I only sent a regular card with no note to a few elderlies who would have been devastated not to receive anything, and I let some others know what was going on after Christmas.
This year's card is much better as my son got married and I've crawled out of my post-caregiving funk for the most part, but I did mention why there was no card last year. Somehow having some distance between the not-so-great news made it less of a downer. It also helped to be able to report that I'm fully recovered from my own illness.
You might be too raw to put this information in a holiday card, so consider doing it at a different time.
It wasn't Christmas when this happened, but I really appreciated it: My former boss and his wife called me to let me know that he has Alzheimer's. I pretty much already knew from his behavior, but it meant so much to me that both of them wanted to let me know about the changes he was going through. They cried on the phone. As it turns out, he's done quite well, much better than my mom did. It was 10 years ago and he still knows me when running into me at the grocery store, but he is not his former self for sure, depends on his wife immensely. Family members find out right away about this sort of thing, but friends need to know too. It doesn't have to be for the holiday cards, but soon, let them know.
My mother’s dementia is severe and she’s been in care or a hospital for over a year. I watched for Christmas cards to arrive because I didn’t know who of my mother’s peers were alive or dead. I then wrote back and explained that my mother has dementia and has declined to the point that she can no longer write. And told about her care. Simple terms, rather matter of fact. Every person who received my letter phoned to thank me for letting them know. They said it was better to know the truth than continue to wonder why she had faded away, having also forgotten how to phone. Most of them still phone me every few months to inquire about her. I have just finished mailing cards to those same people, with an update on her care and condition.
Your husband’s condition is a fact and you cannot control how other people react to it. I am an atheist (with some pagan tendencies) so Christmas might not have the same meaning for me, but I look at it not as a time that has to be joyous, but one where we send cards to renew or confirm contact. Shared time, food, gifts. A together time, through good or bad.
You could say "I'm writing for both of us because DH is ill with Alzheimer's Disease and the going is getting tough." You can then add in your usual length of other news, or you can tell them a phone call over the holidays would mean a lot, or you can ask them not to be strangers, whatever you would really like from the individual/couple/family you're writing to.
Be truthful, and don't make the assumption on their behalf that you and DH have to be cast out of the social circle. How would you respond to your friend if she wrote with the same news to you?
Just my opinion, I would not say anything in a Christmas card. And if I did, it would only be very close friends and family. Maybe just sign your names and after the first of the year send out an email or a note.
I think the point is that this particular circle of friends has always been in the habit of including news in their Christmas cards. You either do or you don't approve of family Christmas newsletters (irresistible opportunity for satire is the best I can say of them, myself), but as the OP says these are "chatty notes" which sounds much more like a genuine personal touch.
I just hope she won't drop out of the circle for fear of ,,, not sure what. Not sure *she* knows what. God knows caregivers need all the normality and human contact they can get.
Hello indubuque. My Beautiful Mom is four+ years diagnosed with dementia.
We faced the same problem this year as I helped my folks prepare their Christmas cards, which have a tradition of handmaking our cards which have also been (joyfully) laborious. This year, we managed one hand-drawn card, we took to the printer.
Our message focused on wishing our friends and family joy and peace. Those who are close to us already know about my mom, and those who don't know, we didn't want to share the news at Christmas.
We love our friends and family, and we love Christmas. that is what we chose to write about.
It is hard (and feels a little deceptive) to muster up a celebratory sentiment when there is so much loss happening in our home. We just did our best.
There is also nothing wrong without sending cards. I know resentment lurks around the corner so, these days, I try to do what will bring me peace of mind. What will bring you peace?
It depends on what you usually put in the letter. Each year, my family would receive a letter how cousin so-and-so just came back from the French Riviera. Her son Jr. was accepted at Yale, their daughter is skiing in the Swiss Alps, etc. etc. The letter always came when I had a pile of bills on my desk, looking for ways to save money and drop my cable tv, was brown-bagging-it and cut out every coupon I could get my hands on. We (the family) would actually get a laugh out of the letter because we couldn't imagine a person would brag like that let alone actually be living that lifestyle.
Unless they plan on inviting me and paying my way to the Swiss Alps, I'm really not interested. Should I write back and tell them how I found Reynold's Wrap at the Dollar Store!
Your close friends, neighbors probably already know about your husband. Your close social circle will be a listening ear.
The acquaintances, former neighbors, etc. the usual, that you hear from them "once a year"--keep it short and sweet, less is more. Perhaps, "May your days be Merry & Bright"! Merry Christmas. Please know that earlier this year "John" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, that's it.
The recipients will either pick up the phone and call you, pray for you or do nothing because they are afraid this will happen in their family.
Life happens, fill them in but let them call for the update. Still keep up with your cards and if you are too busy there are some beautiful online cards 123egreetings for "free". Also, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York has a "public domain" online section of art works. Some of their collection you are able to copy. It is within the copyright to use. There are beautiful Renaissance pieces of artwork that you can use for Christmas cards.
Honestly, when I run out of stamps I do this. This year I couldn't find any Christmas cards at the Dollar Store. I resorted to online cards. People love it...even men remarked how beautiful the Botticelli Madonna & Child was for Christmastime when they received in their inbox. Keep it "beautiful" and not so much about doctor's appointments.
Our circle of friends uses holiday card-letters to stay in touch, since we are all scattered across the USA. So basic health information does go into these. My husband is 88 and has had some bad years, surgeries with dementia in the background. I am one of the youngest in our social "clan" so I'm still more active than most. I've skipped sending anything out several years because it's all my trips & hikes & kayaking alongside my husband's needing a hired caretaker while I'm away. Not the best balance for a letter of the 2 of us. I think this year may be one of those holes, since I haven't yet been able to figure out how to present my travel photos when while he mostly does doc appointments & sleeping.
Let them know, it doesn’t have to be long. The last card my Mum “sent” I was writing greetings for her, she was trying to sign. I slipped in a note saying I thought this might be the last card they would get from her and why. I received several notes of thanks.
Most of our family and friends knew about my mom’s condition. Those that really were close would email or text occasionally to ask about her and tell me they were praying for us. So, I chose to send them a Christmas card from mom each year. She would sign them and the card just had her signature. It took forever since she had to be instructed for each letter. But, the cards meant so much to my family since they knew the effort it took.
I'm very sorry to learn about your husband's condition, but don't be afraid to share the fact that he cannot talk anymore without sounding bad for the holiday spirit. You don't have to disclose his medical condition during the holidays. If anyone questions about any lack of sharing, offer to call someone or text to explain you that want to hold off details until after the holidays, because you are so busy with holiday duties!
Most people no longer do cards, but if you still want to, it may be as simple as a Seasons Greetings with a pretty picture on it. Then sign it with your names.
Speaking of holiday cards: I still use cards for some of my friends and relatives because greetings share more love and fun with personal handwriting. However, if I do not receive a card from someone on my seasons list, I will save the time, card and postage method next season for that individual and replace it with text, email or my friends on social media, or perhaps even no more greeting time for who is no longer interested. Pictures and greeting images are attached to text and email that can be saved online to use up less paper space! It's automation replacing paper.
A friend of mine has spent 30 years sending her Christmas cards in January….a couple of times in February.
While I’m not going to sugarcoat it - she does have some attention seeking issues, so one reason she does this is to have her card/letter/family picture not get lost in the shuffle, she also does this way to have one less thing to squeeze into her squeeze into her schedule between thanksgiving and Christmas.
But, another reason is that she only sends cards to people who have sent cards to her/them. If people don’t make the first step to keep in touch, she doesn’t have anything to reciprocate.
That said, I usually write two form letters. One of them is chatty, one of them is chatty with some realism. I OCD check the envelope before it is sealed.
I got a letter from a friend this year who said, “After age 50, the ‘check engine’ light comes on more than you’d like.” She then wrote the rest of that paragraph about some medical issues. But it was one paragraph out of 4-5.
If you (or your husband) were my friend or family, I’d want to know. Okay, in theory I’d already know, because I keep in touch with the people I care about!
Hello, I think you could write a letter to include in your cards and start by saying how 2022 has been filled with adjusting to a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with your beloved (name). Tell them how you miss the parts of his personality that he is know for and that they all love about him. Tell them how best to communicate with both of you in 2023. If you still want them to see or communicate with either of you, tell them that although he is compromised by this debilitating disease, he would still love to see or hear from them in the coming months. Don’t make it too verbose. Instead, just tell them what has happened in 2022 and how best they could communicate with or support both of you.
'Seems to me if your usual Christmas card group does letters they will likely contact you if your Christmas card this year does not include a 'chatty' letter; so you can send cards with a general holiday greeting but wait to discuss/reveal your husband's health issues if and when concerned folks reach out to you themselves. It's still Christmas, so rely on the holiday itself to bring some cheer as we head into winter and the New Year; some things solve themselves if we just Keep It Simple. This way you're still in touch but on a simpler level that doesn't tax/worry you about being a damper on anyone's holidays nor increasing your own burdens.
It is just my personal opinion. If people are not close enough to talk to you during the year they are not your friends. So why waist your time with a card. It holds true with family as well. Those close to you will already know because you will have reached out to them already for support/advice. . So I say skip the cards.
Saying nothing and forgoing cards are both legitimate options. Give yourself permission to do either.
How much one shares about a loved one or self is highly personal based on what you think your husband would want and what your comfort level is. Respect for his privacy and his wishes should be first honored.
I'm so sorry for your situation. I may be in the minority here, but I think of the holidays as a time to connect, not just talk about happy things. Many people struggle at this time of year in particular. Personally I would much rather receive an honest Christmas letter that lets me know what's really going on in someone's life than a litany of all the amazing trips they took or how accomplished their grandchildren are. As for the idea that "if they're really your friends, they'd already know," I don't subscribe to that either. We all have busy lives and competing priorities (those of use who are caregivers especially!). I try my best to keep up with what my friends and extended family are up to but have limited time and energy to do so. We're all doing the best we can. So do what YOU feel comfortable with. If it's too painful or onerous to write it all out, skip the letter or the cards altogether. Either way, try not to worry about what other people will think. Wishing you peace and comfort through the season and this difficult time.
Moving my husband to a AL/MC residence this summer and, planning to retire in a few months to be able to move and be closer to family, I, for the first time, included a brief letter about our new situation. The result is my husband’s mailbox is filled with cards from dear family and friends who also have reached out to me with such love, care, and support. I am very happy to have taken the time to share what is going on in our world turned upside down; it’s been good for our souls. Holiday blessings to all and strength to make it through the sad and difficult moments the season can bring.
Forget the cards, it will only hurt you to write them. If your close friends worry they can call you. It’s time for you to lessen your pain. Take care of yourself.
But forego the card/letter only IF it is truly too painful. I have found that writing helped me to frame my own painful reality; while finding whatever positives I can in the situation. And it helps me to feel less alone by sharing it with others; allowing myself to acknowledge painful reality - spreading out the heavy load as one would on thin ice. If you don't share something now, it may be harder and more painful for you and the others to later have to tell/hear the whole story. ("Why didn't you tell us!") Easier to share/take in the painful news a bit at a time. By not sharing now, you rob yourself of potential support from others. With close friends perhaps living at a distance, there is no way for them to know without you sharing the news.
I have kept my family and friends informed about my husband's condition. His dementia has been going on for seven years. Yes, it has been a painful situation, but he is still the sweet and happy man I married. He no longer knows our children. I am not sure that he remembers me. I am just here all the time. Wherever his mind has gone, he seems happy most of the time. There are stil good days, but they are different. Take care of yourself and do what is comfortable for you. Wishing you a Blessed Christmas.
There is no shame in using the words Alzheimers, Dementia, etc. I generally stop short of all the details that make caregiving difficult (wandering, incontinence, outbursts, etc.) I generally would say something along the lines of "She has good days and bad days." Then move on to something else.
This is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of, and it may give another of your friends the permission needed to be open and honest about what is going on in their life as well.
God bless you.
You can say that it pains you to let them know in this fashion but that your husband has AZ now and that this has been very difficult for both of you. Or something to that effect?
There's nothing wrong with saying little and just signing your names as many people do. Also nothing wrong with forgetting them entirely.
Do what makes you feel best.
Me? I haven't sent out Christmas cards since the 90s! I think I receive about 4 of them a year, and one contains a "Christmas letter" from my cousin full of chatty news of her life and what's been going on for the past year, including all the deaths, funerals, etc. Seems idiotic to me, but that's just my opinion.
Last year was absolutely horrible in our family. My mother died after a long battle with dementia, then in December I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis three times in as many weeks. Frankly, there was nothing good to report, so I only sent a regular card with no note to a few elderlies who would have been devastated not to receive anything, and I let some others know what was going on after Christmas.
This year's card is much better as my son got married and I've crawled out of my post-caregiving funk for the most part, but I did mention why there was no card last year. Somehow having some distance between the not-so-great news made it less of a downer. It also helped to be able to report that I'm fully recovered from my own illness.
You might be too raw to put this information in a holiday card, so consider doing it at a different time.
Your husband’s condition is a fact and you cannot control how other people react to it. I am an atheist (with some pagan tendencies) so Christmas might not have the same meaning for me, but I look at it not as a time that has to be joyous, but one where we send cards to renew or confirm contact. Shared time, food, gifts. A together time, through good or bad.
Be truthful, and don't make the assumption on their behalf that you and DH have to be cast out of the social circle. How would you respond to your friend if she wrote with the same news to you?
I just hope she won't drop out of the circle for fear of ,,, not sure what. Not sure *she* knows what. God knows caregivers need all the normality and human contact they can get.
We faced the same problem this year as I helped my folks prepare their Christmas cards, which have a tradition of handmaking our cards which have also been (joyfully) laborious. This year, we managed one hand-drawn card, we took to the printer.
Our message focused on wishing our friends and family joy and peace. Those who are close to us already know about my mom, and those who don't know, we didn't want to share the news at Christmas.
We love our friends and family, and we love Christmas. that is what we chose to write about.
It is hard (and feels a little deceptive) to muster up a celebratory sentiment when there is so much loss happening in our home. We just did our best.
There is also nothing wrong without sending cards. I know resentment lurks around the corner so, these days, I try to do what will bring me peace of mind. What will bring you peace?
God bless you. ~ VV
It depends on what you usually put in the letter. Each year, my family would receive a letter how cousin so-and-so just came back from the French Riviera. Her son Jr. was accepted at Yale, their daughter is skiing in the Swiss Alps, etc. etc. The letter always came when I had a pile of bills on my desk, looking for ways to save money and drop my cable tv, was brown-bagging-it and cut out every coupon I could get my hands on. We (the family) would actually get a laugh out of the letter because we couldn't imagine a person would brag like that let alone actually be living that lifestyle.
Unless they plan on inviting me and paying my way to the Swiss Alps, I'm really not interested. Should I write back and tell them how I found Reynold's Wrap at the Dollar Store!
Your close friends, neighbors probably already know about your husband. Your close social circle will be a listening ear.
The acquaintances, former neighbors, etc. the usual, that you hear from them "once a year"--keep it short and sweet, less is more. Perhaps, "May your days be Merry & Bright"! Merry Christmas. Please know that earlier this year "John" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, that's it.
The recipients will either pick up the phone and call you, pray for you or do nothing because they are afraid this will happen in their family.
Life happens, fill them in but let them call for the update. Still keep up with your cards and if you are too busy there are some beautiful online cards 123egreetings for "free". Also, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York has a "public domain" online section of art works. Some of their collection you are able to copy. It is within the copyright to use. There are beautiful Renaissance pieces of artwork that you can use for Christmas cards.
Honestly, when I run out of stamps I do this. This year I couldn't find any Christmas cards at the Dollar Store. I resorted to online cards. People love it...even men remarked how beautiful the Botticelli Madonna & Child was for Christmastime when they received in their inbox. Keep it "beautiful" and not so much about doctor's appointments.
Most people no longer do cards, but if you still want to, it may be as simple as a Seasons Greetings with a pretty picture on it. Then sign it with your names.
Speaking of holiday cards: I still use cards for some of my friends and relatives because greetings share more love and fun with personal handwriting. However, if I do not receive a card from someone on my seasons list, I will save the time, card and postage method next season for that individual and replace it with text, email or my friends on social media, or perhaps even no more greeting time for who is no longer interested. Pictures and greeting images are attached to text and email that can be saved online to use up less paper space! It's automation replacing paper.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Patathome01
While I’m not going to sugarcoat it - she does have some attention seeking issues, so one reason she does this is to have her card/letter/family picture not get lost in the shuffle, she also does this way to have one less thing to squeeze into her squeeze into her schedule between thanksgiving and Christmas.
But, another reason is that she only sends cards to people who have sent cards to her/them. If people don’t make the first step to keep in touch, she doesn’t have anything to reciprocate.
That said, I usually write two form letters. One of them is chatty, one of them is chatty with some realism. I OCD check the envelope before it is sealed.
I got a letter from a friend this year who said, “After age 50, the ‘check engine’ light comes on more than you’d like.” She then wrote the rest of that paragraph about some medical issues. But it was one paragraph out of 4-5.
If you (or your husband) were my friend or family, I’d want to know. Okay, in theory I’d already know, because I keep in touch with the people I care about!
I think you could write a letter to include in your cards and start by saying how 2022 has been filled with adjusting to a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with your beloved (name). Tell them how you miss the parts of his personality that he is know for and that they all love about him. Tell them how best to communicate with both of you in 2023. If you still want them to see or communicate with either of you, tell them that although he is compromised by this debilitating disease, he would still love to see or hear from them in the coming months. Don’t make it too verbose. Instead, just tell them what has happened in 2022 and how best they could communicate with or support both of you.
How much one shares about a loved one or self is highly personal based on what you think your husband would want and what your comfort level is. Respect for his privacy and his wishes should be first honored.
It’s time for you to lessen your pain. Take care of yourself.