My husband has dementia. I think I have been in denial ( and he certainly is) as to how advanced it may be. I believe it's vascular dementia based on the symptoms I have read. He's got high blood pressure, a completely blocked main artery in the back of his neck, he has broke his neck once. And a couple years ago he had an ischemic stroke ( which is also caused by a lack of blood flow to the brain). He is a big man and I am kind of small and he almost punched me in the head a couple weeks ago. He has a temper. Now he is accessing "undesirable" websites with "other women" and has purchased over $9000.00 in apple gift cards and PayPal transfers, to who knows where! I feel like I have had my head in the sand. I have given up.
I hope you have a POA!
I have one and it's been a life saver!! Find out what to do if you don't.
The first thing I did was take away credit cards. Call the number on the back and find out what you need to do with each company to cancel the card.
Next, you have to stop the "bleeding", the money going out. Money in your various retirement accounts or other accounts that he can access.
Go to the bank and put your POA on all accounts with his name. It's best not to have a joint account. If you do, only leave enough money for him to use if you want to and have another account where you can transfer money for bills, etc.
My husband and I are retired so it was imperative that I make sure our social security was safe! He had been spending it ALL on one of his former employees that had been extorting money from him. A lot can happen if people see a weakness. You are doing this for BOTH of you !! I felt like I was betraying him but now I'm SOOOOO glad I did all of this
FYI: Everyone needs a copy of the POA, never the original!!
For Social Security they needed a letter from his neurologist explaining his defecit, mental health condition and it had to be notarized.
Please don't feel sorry for him! You have to realize he can flat clean you out in a very short time. My loss so far, even though I worked on this diligently was over $180,000 for salaries that he thought they deserved (crazy town!!) for three years of not even working. $50,000 in additional credit card debt. Yup, you read that right!
It naturally will take time to come to terms with what is going on but don't wait too long. I took longer to admit the problem, to get over feeling like I was betraying him. DON'T wait! We were fortunate enough to have some extra so my situation was and is still doable but don't be like me. Move on and take care of business like he would want you to do if he were in his right mind.
Good Luck and Hugs!
When you are looking for help with finances and laws, it may give you the completely wrong information but there is no way to know that unless you fact check it, which can be tough. A lot of people see this as an all knowing robot that is talking to them and that is not what is happening. It is just guessing what word should come after the last one, and sometimes it guesses right and sometimes it guesses wrong. If you look at what answers it gives, you can see that the overall quality of search results has been diminished. That means that any AI used for searching will start returning worse and worse answers since the original questions weren't answered correctly to start.
That's not all the time, but it's enough to make it an imperative that you know what you are using and why it may be very wrong.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Peasuep
There are two links here (you may have to copy and paste in your browser for them to open).
The first is a specific post I thought you might want to read. A great poster, Peasuep, came to the AgingCare forum a few years ago and embraced all aspects of the forum. I say a great poster for several reasons. She communicated and those who do, get the best from the forum.
She shared her situation regarding her husband who was NOT larger than her and the actions she had taken. This first link is when he attacked her the first time. She had been on the site for awhile by then so responders knew her back story.
The second link is a search of her name on this site which has posts she left in response to others and also sharing the steps she took to protect both herself and her husband and the challenges she faced. A lot of good info is here from responders and things she shared.
What made me remember her when I was reading your post, aside from what you shared, is that she was not in denial at all which I worried about from you when you said he almost punched you a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps you just didn’t know what to do beyond locking the bedroom door.
She did run into problems with his family that was very painful for her if I remember correctly . Especially from a BIL. You don’t mention family in your post but as helpful as family can be, they can also bring unique problems to the care journey. Sometimes we aren’t prepared for how much that can sting.
If you are a second wife, a step mom to adult children, or a SIL to siblings who may not be able to believe he is doing the things he is doing or even your own adult children being in denial, all the more reason to get things in place so that you can legally take the steps that will be necessary to protect the both of you. Don’t let what others think keep you from taking action now.
Please take Peasuep’s example and have your DH placed. She explained in detail how long it took her to be prepared to take care of the both of them from this disease before they ever got to the unexpected event of his attack.
Please see a certified elder law attorney and get the guidance you need now.
Don’t wait for a second time to be almost punched. Your safety and his in place, the scamming will fall into the background.
I hope you take the time to look Peasuep up on these links. Her husband has since passed but she went through some tough times with a lot of preparation and grit.
Be safe and please respond to the advice you are given as that will help you and others process what is going on. We care, want to help and learn from one another.
speak to doctor or advice centre about your options
I imagine your doctors office could steer you somewhere
At that time you contact APS and tell them he is a danger to himself and you at home.
If there is no will with POA documents already written in it under "springing POA" then the Social workers at the hospital can help you to get emergency guardianship.
You may need to see an attorney for division of assets if you cannot manage his money as his guardian. This will protect your own assets.
I am so sorry, but this isn't sustainable.
If you take him, he would have to be agreeable to receiving treatment, which in 100% of the cases, they do not.
Wish I didn't know as much about this as I do.
This kind of thing is real and you need to take steps to protect yourself.
If your husband tries to get into your room, do you have a way out via a window? Or a neighbor you can trust to come help (after you dial 911)? You should not be living like this (as you already know).
You might have to see a lawyer and separate assets. Do either of you have adult children or anyone who can help with this?
It sounds to me like frontaltemporal dementia.
In the meantime, take the great advice given to you here.
Good luck!
I have learned a lot through reading and through advice from those who have either been through it or who have expert knowledge.
I am not an authority, but here are some thoughts from my experiences.
Hopefully you have an income and are not completely dependent on him. Is he retired? If you have a POA you better stop the financial bleeding right away. He is so susceptible to people taking advantage and he could put you into the financial poor house.
We are retired and have a nice retirement but it has taken me a year to get our finances into a safe place. He has no more credit cards to use. He charged thousands so I had to close them. He used his social security to pay his employees for over 2 years and they didn't even work for him anymore! They took the money too!! All the while I was wondering if I could make it through the next month with the money I had to pay bills. Gift cards could be scammers and so could PayPal.
We are now in a better place but still have to pay off the charges he made on his cards. If he's doing this online I'd take his computer and/or phone or have them shut off and not give it a second thought. There are people on this forum that know much more than I do. I highly recommend that you protect yourself physically and financially.
This is the hardest thing I've been through. 50 years of marriage and I ended up fighting for what we have worked so hard for and have become a caretaker to someone who just can't get it. It does no good to try to reason with him or to get him to understand. I have gotten used to doing what I can for him but at the same time making sure he doesn't destroy our life. He does get mad but has never hit me or made me feel unsafe.
Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself and your finances! I felt like I was betraying my husband but you just have to realize that he can't think like you do and actually relies on you to do the right thing to keep him and yourself safe and secure. I had to develop a thick skin and push forward. I couldn't be weak and still do the things I had to do.
Still plugging away!
Please don't give up if it's worth fighting for!
Meanwhile, right this minute, make a safe place in your house for yourself. A closet, a bathroom, another room - fit those out with things you need to be comfortable. Nonperishable food, flashlights, extra phone charger and an outlet available. Toilet is a good idea, blankets, pillow. And an escape method; a way to leave when he's asleep (or awake, if that's safe) without his knowing it. Make sure this room has a secure lock and that he has no way to get in. Put the numbers of friends, family, a women's shelter in your phone on speed dial. Keep extra money and a packed bag hidden in that room. Keep your car filled with gas.
Never fail to take a raging husband seriously! Especially one with dementia!
I wish you luck in staying safe, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
As others have pointed out, your safety is paramount. What would happen if he did punch you in the head? He could really hurt you, and you have no way of controlling his behavior. I should say, He also has no way of controlling his behavior.
Yes, you could leave the situation to protect yourself, but I would worry about what will happen if you leave him alone. He should not be left alone in this condition! The next time you feel unsafe, call 911 and explain that you think he has dementia, and should be checked out medically, or psychologically.
If he is open to going for a doctor's diagnosis, make an appointment with a neurologist. They can check out what exactly is going on with his brain, and give you more guidance as to what to expect as this progresses.
It will progress, and he will only get worse, not better. You can not sit by with your head in the sand and give up. You must take action right away to protect yourself, and him. If you have given up on him, get yourself out of there, and call APS to check on him, as he is unsafe on his own. He should probably not have access to a vehicle, if you have a way to remove all vehicles from the property.
Tell the dispatcher you are afraid for your safety.
You must start the process of getting him accurately and officially diagnosed.
You need to see an elder Care Attorney. You need to have all the proper papers done so that you can place him if necessary. (and it probably will be)
You need to tell his doctor about the episodes and that you are afraid for your safety at times.
If there are any weapons in the house you must secure them. This includes kitchen knives.
If he is taken to the hospital you need to tell the Social Worker that you can not safely care for him at home it is to dangerous for you..
You should also restrict internet, put parental block in place so he can not access sites
Keep yourself safe.
I suggest seeing an Elder Law lawyer ASAP. Don't tell your husband. Take all your financial records and get guidance on what you need to do to get the financial resources you need to live on your own. Ask if there's some way to block your husband from throwing away money like this.
Keep your phone charged and with you at all times. If your husband becomes at all threatening, call 911. This might also lead to him getting a medical evaluation.
Stay in touch and keep us posted on how it's going and how you're doing.