I was primary caregiver for both my elderly parents. My dad passed away in Aug of this year and my mom passed away this past Tuesday. I’m 36 and have a 14 year old who’s on the spectrum. I put my life on hold for 12 yrs to take care of my parents. I also have 3 siblings (who are in their 60’s) 2 of my siblings called the financial firm to “help me” the day after my mom passed. And have not stopped calling or texting me to see if I need “help” to start the estate stuff. I didn’t get the chance to mourn my dad passing because my mom went down hill right after and it was all about her. Now she’s gone and I can’t even mourn her because my siblings are being money hungry. What do I do? Nothing was set up in writing except for a few small things. My son needs stability and they are wanting me to buy them out of their shares for the house. They are fussing over the repairs my mom wanted done getting done but in the next sentence they say we just want what mom wanted. Both my parents wanted me and my son taken care of. What do I do? Where do I even start?

You’re only 36. Half your life’s book is still waiting to be written. Fill those pages with whatever brings you joy.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to ZippyZee

Tell your siblings that you will start probate when you're good and ready, which will be after January 1st.

Hang up and don't take any more calls until next year.

They are despicable.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

To think your siblings are so eager to 'help' you only now that there is $$$$ on the table, and did bupkis to help you while their parents were alive, is beyond disgusting. I agree with Barb: tell them, in no uncertain terms, that you'll deal with the financials after the first of the year, and you're not taking ANY CALLS until then. And please don't call me, I'll call you.

My deepest condolences on all of your losses, including your siblings.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to lealonnie1

You could always respond to them with a "I'm shocked you would ask such a question at this time. I'M in mourning for our mother -- why aren't you?"

Sometimes putting it right back on someone opens their eyes to how insensitive and truly awful they sound.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MJ1929
TouchMatters Nov 28, 2022
This quality of interaction will only add fuel to the fire. It won't serve any useful / healing purpose.
This person needs to heal and manage.
It isn't a matter (at this point) of teaching or trying to convey awareness of insensitivity, etc., it is needing to set limits/create boundaries so this person can do what is necessary in her own time.
As you work your way through this you should also seek out the advice of a special needs lawyer for your child. You need to be careful about him inheriting any assets from your mother. It could put him in jeopardy from being able to access any government benefits that he may need now or in the future. I have an autistic brother and my father specifically didn’t leave him anything in his trust because it would have made him ineligible for all the services he receives now. Even a special needs trust would have made him ineligible for Medicaid and the funding that pays for him to live in his group home. My brother and I will inherit everything and we will make sure our autistic brother has what he needs and that funds are set aside for the future for his care should he need them, but those funds will not be in his name.
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Reply to Caregiverstress

Probate can't even be started until the person has been gone, in my state, 9 or 10 days. When opened, it can't be closed for a certain number of months, my state 8. This gives time for all bills and debts to come in. They must be paid. The house, depends on what the Will says. I so hope if your parents wanted u and ur son taken care of they made arrangements in the Will. If the Will says the house needs to be sold and the proceeds split, that can take a while and probate can't be closed till then. Lots go into probate.

If there is no Will, you can become Administrator. You do the duties of an Executor but...the State determines who inherits.

As said, do not answer their calls.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm assuming you are named personal representative in their will or trustee if property was held in trust? Or was there literally nothing in writing?

FIRST, take the time you need and DESERVE to mourn. Then get a lawyer who can help you through all the pieces. If there was no will they can help you navigate intestate laws in your state. And represent your interest.

It's a lot. Don't be pressured or rushed. There are certain steps that need to be taken and this will all take time. You spent 12 years of your life caregiving. Take all the time you need, and in my opinion I would not even begin to try to engage an attorney until at least after the new year.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to casole

I have two quotes:

Haste makes waste.
Here is how the Germans say it, "Do it right or don't do it at all.'

Take your time with proper documents and do not rush. No family can pressure you into the wrong moves that increase the processing time and frustration. Furthermore, you need some privacy and time for yourself to grieve. Seek counseling if it gets too challenging.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Patathome01
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 15, 2022
My grandmother was German. She felt exactly like this!
Mourning your parents does not mean you cannot begin to sort out legal and financial matters, just take your time. Rely on professionals like the bank any financial institutions holding the assets in question. Make an in person appointment, if you can, to discuss your situation. Take titles, account papers, death certificates, etc. Explain what you are trying to accomplish, and ask for their help in how to get that done. If a lawyer is needed, you will have a clearer idea of what the lawyer needs to do.

You will be mourning the loss of your parents for a period of time. That does not mean you cease to function. Take things one at a time. First, keep yourself and your son safe. Then begin with the financial firm yourself. Let them guide you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

Please don't try to manage this by yourself.

The first thing to do is to hire an estate attorney. The second thing is to have your attorney get you appointed by the Court as the Administrator of the Estate.

At that point, you can direct your siblings to speak with the attorney who will protect your interests as well as your siblings and see to it that the estate is properly distributed.

No one wants to hire an attorney, but I can tell you that it will be well worth it in the end.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to southiebella

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