What do I do if my loved one doesn't believe in nor wants traditional medical help and won't get tested for dementia?

Please read and take heed to what Geaton777says about the legal situation you will face. Get a DPOA and Health care directive while they can still make decisions. Otherwise its a legal nightmare. I am in that situation now after my mother had a stroke. Start with the CELA, certified elder law attorney. Be proactive, its easier than being reactive.
Best wishes to you.

Google Teepa Snow /
Watch her Your Tubes
She offers classes / courses / webinars.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is grieving 'in slow motion'.
What seems to be helpful to you is for you to understand what dementia is, what part(s) of the brain are dying / changing / and how to communicate - interact with a person losing a part of their self.

The diagnosis seems secondary to what you observe / learn and know what s/he can or cannot do anymore, i.e., leaving the pots on the burners / forgetting to turn them off? Forgetting chucks of her history or where she lives? Driving when s/he cannot safety do anymore and gets in the car and starts driving anyway.

* Do take care of yourself.
* As you feel it can support you, get counseling and/or into a group (group therapy, dementia partner group, a church group).

I believe if s/he doesn't want to go to a traditional MD, there is nothing you can do about that. Generally a person has a fall, breaks a bone and is transported to an emergency room and then the diagnosis is made - or could be. I'd bet 99.9% of folks who sense they are losing their memory / brain cells do not want to get a medical assessment. It seems like a natural defense mechanism for some. In any event, the key here is for you to learn how to communicate with her/him and to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

Gena / Touch Matters

Dementia is a sad and debilitating disease of the mind. Is she trying to self-treat for dementia? With my mother, it was obvious by her behavior when she was no longer capable of caring for herself. If you see signs of confusion, repeating the same question or story many times, forgetting where she puts things or putting things in inappropriate places, getting lost, having irrational anxieties, not handling money correctly, these are all symptoms of dementia. Dementia may progress through stages. It cannot be cured. There are 2 basic choices caring for someone with dementia: have in-home caregivers or placing her in a memory care facility. During late stages, she may need help doing everything and need 24/7 care. Much will depend on her finances and whether there are other family members who can help out. Connect with your state's Department of Aging and/or a local social worker to find out what her options are, and what benefits she is entitled to. Both of you should have plans for what should happen if you become incapacitated and unable to care for yourselves. Make sure both of your paperwork is in order: set up powers of attorney (POAs) for medical (health care proxy) and financial matters (durable power of attorney). You should also have wills, and living wills (advance medical directives). Do this soon, while she is still able to sign legal papers. All the best to you both.

Some "natural" things CAN be done for early dementia that do not involve drugs.!One is the MIND diet--similar to the Mediterranean and DASH diets, but with a few differences. There is strong evidence that it can slow the course of earlyAlzheimer's. It is a VERY healthy diet, and good for you regardless of whether you have dementia. I see a geriatric psychiatrist whose specialization is dementia; he's a published researcher. The MIND diet is one of the two things he is very insistent on. You can easily find some articles onhow to do it by Googling "MIND diet." The other thing for which there is evidence is increasing physical activity--this can be as minor a thing as walking 30 minutes 5+ days/week. Currently, the evidence for the importance of physical activity is stronger than the evidence for mental activity. A strong point here in your situation is that you can implement the diet and increases in physical activity regardless of whether there is a dementia diagnosis--they will be good for both of you!

This is not a new oversion to seeing the Doctor.. but a long-standing personal choice for a different approach. I would support it.

But I would also look at reaching out (as you obviously are) to gain informatuon & advice for yourself & your wife.

Is there anything specificially that is worrying you in terms of symptoms or behaviours?

Diagnosing most dementias involves first discounting the several other health issues that can create dementia-like symptoms. Some of them are treatable.

Some dementias are inherited, some are self-inflicted (like wetbrain from alcoholism), some from TIAs and tumors, some from TBIs and some have unknown origins.

Treating any illness that involves the brain is difficult due to the blood-brain barrier (this is why treating mental health problems are so hard). The meds could work but they can't get to the brain easily.

It's not that the "U.S." has a wrong approach -- it's just that medtech and pharma companies haven't figured out the secret to the BBB. However, strides are being made: recently the use of ultrasound is showing promise in this regard.

I just made a comment on another thread, the one that says " why doesnt anyone live until 79 any more" .
I said " I'm not sure if our approach to aging in the US makes any sense "

Well, we can keep people living longer, up to 100 or more, but there still are very limited if any treatments for dementia and other aging related diseases of the brain.

I would say that, perhaps your LO is the smart one among us. If there is no actual treatment for dementia, then why test for it and go through western medicine that has no treatment really....?
she had cancer 50 years ago and was told she would die without western medical treatment, and she did ok. Maybe there is no nature cure now with aging, but there is not really a western medicine cure either! With my current state of mind managing my dads care, I'm actually with your LO on this. She seems to be on to something good.... Now the stress is on you and to see her likely fade away more quickly. I'm sure that wont be easy .. we are with you, here on the forum.

I concur that you should honor her choices. I have never gotten a formal dx for my mom, it seems rather pointless since there is no cure. She sees her doctor regularly.
I would get any legal and financial ducks in a row. See a lawyer for POAs and any estate planning now while she is still competent. Have some talks with her about her wishes going forward. You might take a bucket list trip or plan other experiences you would enjoy together. Find out what support is available in your community, senior centers, adult day care, respite care, etc. Find resources for yourself as well as her.

Keep up the methods she is comfortable with. I understand wanting a diagnosis - I wanted it for my mom to confirm what I was seeing and put me in a place where I could know for sure that is actually was dementia making her act the way she did. But OTOH, does it really matter? I'd say, no. If she exhibits dementia like symptoms then it's likely she has it, especially given her age. Read the book lea told you about. Look up natural remedies for dementia. There are foods that are supposed to help and ones that don't. I know a person that was a caregiver for a guy with dementia and she gave him organic cold pressed coconut oil daily and he went from not knowing what his clothes were for to dressing himself.

Dementia is a cruel and horrible disease, Get some help so you don't burn out. I started with a cleaning lady.

Best of luck.

Dazeddays2: I am so sorry for this difficult time in your lives. Honor her wishes.

Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how best to help your wife.

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/1480007579/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1XEWHR60Z39OK&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p_6NlT6zXJbX-KpYvSpUiTmbgeaNOM-YOuYdfxU7OD-9O5rDt-3V_io-Mp6kKVNgvrtD8UhN8qoZ0oc1HOauu4TT4vbmRsugBMRbxFIbPYLL5jMU6NpayRLJPPceZzd4lV3LbUHs4zP8ucLU_8Bd_DEpgA0lURMJHMXnpCeNiS-g6ZeuyzB6mwloEI6rM6qFwpVKiXBnIEXPfgN6KDxkX_mNJWXFA5XIU80pT7-3lOM.DYSe-bV1ErztyUgFY6DRQmhZ1ttxRangrQI8Zp4FrRk&dib_tag=se&keywords=Understanding+the+dementia+experience&qid=1708461617&s=audible&sprefix=understanding+the+dementia+experience%2Caudible%2C356&sr=1-1-catcorr

I wish there was ANY cure for the heartache of watching a loved one fade away before your eyes, natural or otherwise. I'm sorry you and your dear wife are going through this and wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Why is a diagnosis so important to you? Do you need a doctor to tell you what you already know? There is no treatment for dementia they will not get better. So just deal with it and do not push the issue.

You honor her wishes and don’t bother with getting tests and diagnosis. And if you’re anything like me, you quietly use Dr. Google to look up information on the symptoms you’re seeing and how to best deal with them. It’s certainly not foolproof but it can be a valuable guide and resource. As can the videos of Teepa Snow often recommended here. I wish you both peace

There is no cure for Dementia . All One can do is encourage healthy eating , exercise and encouragement . Your mom is smart - I have studied herbs , Homeopathic medicine , shiatsu , acupuncture and macrobiotic diet . Back in the day when there were no Pharmacuetical companies Pushing Pills on People . people did have natural remedies . When I have been Ill and Western medicine did Not work I went holistic from acupuncture , shiatsu massage , reiki and Looked up natural remedies . You Might want to try this route with her . Some People swear By Lions Mane - You Can get it in Gummie form . CBD Can Help with aches , arthritis , and anxiety . There is also Gamma Light therapy . Your Mom May want to try some of these therapies . As for you get some support . I went to community acupuncture , rode my Bike , tried to swim and go out to eat . Maybe try a Hobby with her Like gardening . Roses, Tomatoes , sunflowers that will bring you Both Joy . This forum has some wonderful people who give advice because they Care . There are also Foods that are good for the brain : walnuts , fish , avocados , Blue berries etc. A Mediterranean diet . Everyone gets Old Its a Part of Life . Just enjoy your time with her .

I think of all the things that can be said here:
Yes to modern medicine.
No to modern medicine.
Combine them.
Whatever.....
The most important thing to remember is that this is individual choice, and that you will, knowing your loved one, know what choices that individual would make "if of sound body". And to try to honor that choice.
I think there is a lot to be said for our individual rights to our own decisions for our own bodies. To me almost a "sacred" right.

As others have stated, there is no cure for dementia. It is diagnosed by discounting all other possibilities. Your wife could be having other issues that create dementia-like symptoms, such as a UTI, thyroid malfunction, medication interaction, vitamin deficiency, dehydration, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, tumor, etc.

It is very difficult to force someone to do something against their will, even if you have the legal authority to do so.

This is not a battle worth waging with her EXCEPT if you are her assigned PoA and the criteria for triggering the authority requires a medical diagnosis of impairment. Then you will need to work with an actual MD to acquire this. You will need to create a "therapeutic fib" to get her in (whatever you think she will believe.) Once there, you slip the staff a pre-written note stating you are her husband/PoA and that she's showing concerning memory/cognitive behaviors and to please test her for that but also a UTI). This is what I did with my MIL and I promise the staff is happy to accommodate you. I am about to do this again this week for my 104-yr old Aunt (I went into her medical clinic portal and sent a note to her doctor).

If your wife hasn't assigned a PoA she may still have legal capacity to do so. Both of you go to a CELA (certified elder law attorney). The attorney will privately interview her to assess her capacity and also to make sure she isn't being pressured or coerced. IMO it's best that her PoA is not you, since you are too close in age. If you have a local adult child who is willing and able and trustworthy, this is who should be her PoA. Also, suggest she create a Durable PoA and check all the boxes so it includes managing her financial affairs -- all of her medical and financial. This way the PoA is in effect immediately and doesn't require an exam first to activate it.

I found Teepa Snow vidoes on YouTube to be extremely helpful. She is a dementia care expert and has lots of tutorials about how and why dementia changes our LOs, how to better engage with them so that interactions are more productive and peaceful.

Please make sure you also have a DPoA and all your legal ducks in a row as it can be very messy and stressful for caregivers if everything is not in place. Don't wait for a crisis -- it will be too late at that point.

Please know that IF it gets to the point where you are overwhelmed by her care (this is called "burnout") it is morally and ethically legitimate to seek outside help or to transition her to a facility. You will need to figure out your finances in advance to have confidence in this, and also please consult with a Medicaid Planner for your home state (those rules vary by state).

May you be blessed as you care for your wife and make wise preparations.

I'm a fan of the holistic approach to treating illness. Not just in treating the illness itself.

Seriously though, the homeopathic belief has a lot of merit. It is not an answer to everything that's ailing a person and many make a dangerous mistake in believing that it is.

Modern medicine, homeopathy, and the holistic approach is what's best for people who are sick with both physical illness and mental illness.

Your "loved one" did not cure her cancer with herbs 50 years ago. That did not happen. She may have gotten lucky and surgery was a success. Or she did some kind of conventional treatment and got lucky again and it worked.

Good nutrition and a healthy lifestyle is important for overall good health. Even the healthiest people get sick. Take King Charles III of England for example. There is a man who has only eaten organic food since he was young. Does not drink, use drugs, or smoke. Never did, and he's kept up on his fitness since childhood and has had the very best the world can offer in terms of healthcare and anything else.

He's got cancer now.

His obese grandmother who ate gluttonously, drank like a fish, and smoked like a chimney died at the age of 105.
So you never know.

If your LO has decided to be obstinate and stubborn about going to a doctor and getting tested, then you make it clear to her that you cannot help her if you don't know what's going on. That she cannot help herself if she doesn't either.

Denial never helped anything or anyone. It only makes everything worse.

The harshest, ugliest truth is always better than the most beautiful lie.

A someone that has total disgust for the medical industry and believes whole heartedly in natural medicine, as in The Lord God Almighty provides all our needs, I am curious why you want her tested. There is no proven treatment for dementia and it is as individual as a fingerprint, so what is the ultimate goal in knowing?

Is she so far gone that she can not be reasoned with, like this could very well be an imbalance in her system and testing could show that, thereby giving her a path forward with natural choices? Can you talk her into seeing an alternative to western medicine provider? Perhaps a neurological chiropractor? Getting someone involved that shares her personal believes can help you guide this situation.

I pray that this can be dealt with for both your sakes.

You ask what do you do if your loved one doesn't want traditional help, and I will say that you honor her wishes.
If in fact she has some form of dementia, there is no cure anyway, so why not let her live her life the way she's always chosen?
We are all going to die one day and what better than to let your wife do her life and death on her own terms? When it's all said and done, you will be glad that you let her do things her own way.
And there is a "natural cure for the heartache of watching" someone you love decline or "fade away" and it's called prayer. And it's way more powerful than any natural, non traditional or even traditional treatments.
God bless you as walk this journey with your wife.

She is 89 so some age decline anyway. What does she do that makes u feel its Dementia? I hope u have POA, if not get it before she is diagnosed. Pick a time of day she is "most with it". Mid to late afternoon is when they sundown. You may have to wait until she can no longer deside for herself. The only reason for a diagnosis is to find out what type so the correct medications can be given.

The natural cure is death. We are born to die. And way back before medications, when the herbalists did their best, and people couldn't spend their days couch surfing and eating potato chips the AVERAGE LIFESPAN was that you DIED IN YOUR THIRTIES.
Really.
You were considered grown at puberty, you bred, you died, in not in childbirth, then likely soon after. Pneumonia took the young, the middle aged and the elders thirty-five year olds in droves.
The World Wars wiped out a lot of breeding stock when there were no antibiotics to treat their wounds and their acquired "social diseases". Maybe a good thing. We would certain be dealing with over population without it.

With dementia, push will come to shove, and the ambulance will eventually be called whether for a broken hip or some other catastrophic occurrence. If you are in charge at that time due to your Mom being judged incompetent in hospital you will have decisions to make that no longer invovle what "she believes", but what "you believe". So better start working on those plans in your own mind now.

Meanwhile one can only wish you good luck. We all make choices in life. "You bet your life" is more than a catch-phrase at times.