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Okay, I said this before. My dad fell and went to the hospital. Had a UTI and sepsis. Went into AL. Been there a week. He is considerable worse with his dementia but can fool many by talking about what he remembers. He is 98 and still driving as well. Has macular degeneration and cannot see see very well. Cannot hear either. His house was a complete disaster. We're in the process of cleaning it out, putting in all new windows, doors, kitchen, baths, etc. As it was a crumbling nightmare. So my brother lives in NJ all his life and had little to do with our parents. My dad LOVES him and treats him like a god. I'm kind of the trash. No really! Before covid he was out to eat with us 3 times a week and I seen the decline but kept him going to keep him happy. Since covid he has declined rapidly. He has fallen many times and there was always someone to pick him up. Last time he fell he was crawling around on the floor for over 15 hrs. That's when the neighbors found him and called 911. So since he has been in AL for a week and my brother has called him and the nurses everyday. Telling my dad my hubby and I are no good and he should get away from us. I know he wants the little bit of $$ my dad has. He filed for bankruptcy recently. I'm not touching anything as I know my dad wants him to have it. I'm just holding all his cards until he's well. I have dpoa for almost 7 yrs. Also guardian. I spoke to the administrator and she told me my dad cannot go home for a while. Until he is well enough to walk and kind of take care of himself. Well today, the AL called and said he is scheduled to go home next Tuesday! I think my brother bugged them all the time until they just want my dad gone now. I am making arrangements for him to come to our house for awhile until I can get his home cleaned out and redone for him to live there. And there's driving. My dad wishes to continue to drive. He has run into his kitchen with his car and only god knows what else he's done on the road! But he wants his keys back as well.


Now, my name is on the deed with him. To avoid probate in FL. My brothers name is on his bank account as POD. No issues so I thought. My brother has made my dad yell and scream at me every night since he's been in AL. I know cause that's what my dad tells me. It's been a big mess and the stress is almost too much. My question is will my brother be able to come down here and take my dad to another attorney and change everything to his name? I know he's doing all this for the $$ right now. Otherwise, he doesn't do anything but call him once a month. Maybe seen my parents a handful of times in their lifetime. Not sure what to do or if I can do anything. I cannot speak with anyone who will give me a straight answer. Any suggestions would be a big help.

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You've had DPOA for seven years, and your father was found in a crumbling mess of a house having been crawling around on the floor for fifteen hours after a fall.

From your description of your father and your brother, I'm sure you don't have an easy job of it. But it does also seem that the job is beyond you. It might be best to resign your DPOA, and I'm not quite sure what kind of guardianship you're talking about but that too, and let your brother take over. If they both end up sorry at least it won't be your fault.

And for heaven's sake do not invite your father into your home. If your brother is supporting your father's decision to discharge himself from the ALF, your brother must also take responsibility for his accommodation - either your brother or your father, anyway.

Why do you keep saying yes to everyone who asks? When the ALF called and said he was coming home Tuesday, what possessed you to agree with this sudden change in plan? - and not only agree, but facilitate?

It's not irreversible. So reverse it!
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bluejasmine Jun 10, 2021
Thanks so much for the advice. I have been speaking with SS and the administrator from AL. And told what my brother has been doing. We had a huge argument a couple of days ago which made my dad's dementia much worse. His nurse told me today that he said he was very upset that he yelled at me and made me cry. That he loved me and didn't mean to cause any trouble. I also found out that my brother is yelling at him giving him orders over the phone. This upsets him and he cannot remember what the heck he is even doing. He then said he did not want to move in with my brother. Nor did he want him to be his POA. So maybe my brother is to blame for all of this aggravation. I can't imagine anyone causing so much trouble over $45,000. And yes, I think the money needs to stay in the bank in case my dad needs it. He's going to stay with us until we can get that house cleaned and furnished properly. It's hard for me to say no to him since my mom wanted me to do this. It was her house. Things go just great when you don't hear from my brother. I won't let him drive when he goes back home. I think his intentions are to die there not in AL. I know we don't get to decide those things but it's dementia talking. I will rescind my obligations if this ever happens again. We were actually on our way there this afternoon to tell the home and my dad that we can no longer do it. Why do we feel this strong sense of responsibility to our family?
Thank you all for your responses.
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CM: "And for heaven's sake do not invite your father into your home."

THIS!!! Do you want to be his fulltime caregiver???
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Relinquish your DPOA, and inform the court -or whichever agency granted you guardianship- that you are resigning from that responsibility as well. Tell the hospital to contact your brother, as you are no longer responsible for your dad's caregiving. Sign over whatever of dad's property that your name is attached to. Make a clean sweep of all of it, and get away!

Good heavens, what are you going to do if dad moves in with you, under YOUR roof and YOUR homeowner's insurance and kills someone with that car that he insists on driving? What is your plan when your brother continues to get into dad's ears and takes dad for whatever money he has left? Then dad can't qualify for Medicaid, brother disappears and YOU'RE left holding this s**t-filled bag? Let your brother take dad to another attorney and let them do whatever it is they think they should do, and remove yourself from it. Hell, go along with them to make sure you're taken completely ***and legally!!!*** OUT of the equation!

I know, it goes against almost everything we're taught from childhood on, to care for and respect our elders, especially our parents...but this is a TOXIC situation that will not end well for anyone involved; to protect yourself, you have to mitigate the damage it can cause to you and your family.

There is no saving someone who refuses to grab onto the lifeline. Doesn't mean you have to sink alongside with them. If dad thinks he's better off without you and with your brother, then give him the opportunity to find out once and for all if that's the case. And don't look back, and don't feel guilty.

Good luck to you!
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What a freaking nightmare! You know that you can’t fix this. Who wouldn’t want to stop the insanity? I certainly don’t blame you for being sick of the craziness.

Stop dreaming the impossible dream. It’s time to face reality. We love our parents but it isn’t always possible to make exceptions for them. If their dream will ruin our lives then they must let go of their wants and accept what they need instead. How many times did you want something in life and you couldn’t have it? I know that I can’t begin to count how many. Yet, I can’t say that I having every single thing that I wanted would have made me happier. Having what I needed was enough. Your dad is being provided with what he needs in life.

Throw dementia into the mix and how can you possibly expect for him to find total contentment. It’s not happening, not now, nor in the future.

You can’t fix the situation with your brother either, so let it go.

I hate being so blunt but I would hate seeing you making the situation worse by making poor decisions. It’s so hard living with the consequences of our bad choices. Do all that you can to prevent this nightmare from becoming even worse.

Wishing you peace during this challenging situation.
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Beatty Jun 10, 2021
"must let go of their wants and accept what they need instead" 

Agreed.

Many younger people want things, eg free money from parents, many older people want to live alone when they can not look after themselves or their home. Many people with dementia don't know they have it so want all sorts of impossible things. All magical fairytales.
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You are not a fairy godmother & are not obligated to make magical wishes come true.

* Dad stays in AL.
* Brother gets told to Get Far Away
* Get a lawyer to protect Dad from elder abuse.
* Talk to to AL DON. If calls from bro upset Dad - no more calls. Same for you. If Dad calls to yell. Hang up.

Regarding Dad living alone again or driving his car.

"Yes Dad, that would be nice" Smile, nod - ignore.
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bluejasmine Jun 10, 2021
Who is AL DON? I can limit dad's calls? I left this evening since Dad was back to accusing me of crazy things. So it's smile and say yes. I'm learning.
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I think there's still time...

Bluejasmine, how about Dad stays AT THE ALF until his house is habitable?

If he comes to stay with you, you know what will happen. Don't you. His house will never be ready until he is unable to live alone, and he will be with you 'til the end of his days.
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bluejasmine Jun 10, 2021
Oh boy! I'm going up and down and back and forth and boy are your right! One day, dad is talking rational. Today, back to I put him there and left him and never come to see him. And I'm cleaning his house out so I can get rid of him. Going to jail for doing that. I'm sorry, this is all new to me. It's hard to believe it's my dad. I thought he was better. Spoke to my brother and he tells me dad is right fine. He speaks to him and doesn't hear anything crazy. He said the social worker said his cognitive abilities are 100%. I tried to get his opinion on driving but he said he has to talk to dad. The AL place he's at is for diabetes, UTI's, and stuff like that. They said they cannot evaluate him. I need to make a Dr. appointment for that. So what if he acts normal when he sees a Dr.? Does that mean I'm lying? I feel like a criminal. We're going this weekend to finish cleaning his home. I'm sending him there on Tuesday. Not to my house. I know you're right. And I will have no life forever. My youngest daughter is getting engaged tomorrow and I cannot be there for that either. I'm so glad you're here to talk to. Means a lot. I don't want to burden my daughters they're so busy.
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Blue,

Be strong. Now is not the time to be indecisive. The decisions you make are going to effect your entire life.

Your dad is going to adapt to whatever comes his way. He doesn’t need to be bailed out. He isn’t in jail. He is being cared for.
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I am uncertain why someone who is not good to you and "treats you like trash" gets to come to your home. I am not certain why you would wish to be his POA or have much of anything else to do with him. And I certainly don't have any answers for the all around dysfunction in the family. It is my feeling that if he comes to your home it will be quite difficult to get him out of your home. I also wonder why he is not in a care facility unless it is something he has refused and he is competent to refuse. In which case I would not enable his being in his own home on his own.
As long as your continue to try to be part of this swirling stew I suspect there will be nothing but grief of it for you. But it will have to be your own choice for your own life at this point, and I sure wish you well whatever your choices are.
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bluejasmine Jun 11, 2021
Thank you. I'm very close to washing my hands of the whole thing.
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Is there any way you can block brother's number on dad's phone at least as long as he is in AL for the short term, especially since the staff knows bro is upsetting dad. Have a talk with the social worker at the facility and see what can be done - YOUR BROTHER IS ABUSING YOUR FATHER by yelling at him and trying to coerce him into doing his (bro's) bidding. If you have to consult an attorney. Also reverse the decision to release dad until better decisions can be made. Maybe without bro's influence, dad may actually find he enjoys being in the setting - if not this AL then maybe another. I'd be worried about letting dad live alone - especially without a lot of home health aids on hand so he isn't left alone - you don't want a repeat of another fall like the one that landed him in hosp and then in AL.

My brother, and I do love him, has a lot of his own problems - and is incapable of acting in a responsible manner. He came to visit mom at her AL living late one night - mom was already in bed. He stayed the night roaming around AL and fell asleep on the floor of the chapel - scaring the early morning aids half to death. I told the director that he was not to be allowed into the facility after the front doors were locked.

Mom hopefully will be moving to a new IL facility (she was in AL because of dad who has since died). I will be telling them (my brother lives in another state) that he can not come in after hours and most likely not allow her to go out with him - though if she really, really wants to, then it will be her decision. While he has been consistently broke, mom will not let him manipulate her - at least while she is in her current right mind.

Good luck and may you be blessed with peace and love.
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bluejasmine Jun 11, 2021
Won't the staff think I'm trying to stop my brother from communicating with his father? I see where he could be abusing him. Making him agitated and then he gets confused.
I'm so sorry about your dad. Mom seems to be doing well.
Good luck to you as well and God Bless.
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I am confused. First I have never heard of an AL taking someone till they are better. They are not a nursing home. Do you mean rehab?
Then you say you are DPOA but brother is POA on the bank acct. Then you say you are guardian.

Did you go to court and a Judge assign you guardianship and u report to the State? If not, you do not have legal guardianship. If you do, guardianship overrides all POAs. You are in charge of Dad's care. If he has Dementia, then brother can't take him to a lawyer to have things changed because ur father is incompetent.

Dads Estate. Hopefully he has a Will if not u can become an Administrator doing everything an Executor does only the State steps in to determine who the beneficiaries are.
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bluejasmine Jun 11, 2021
I know. I'm just relaying what was said to me. I would assumed he would have went home from the hospital if all was well like they said. It's says rehab but is's AL. Yes, it was my mom's house and she wanted me to have it. And my dad want's his $$ to go to my brother.
Yes, I am guardian through the courts. Attorney filed this for us. My dad doesn't remember. I didn't ask, this is just what the attorney did.
I have read that it doesn't matter if my dad is incompetent, that he can still sign those type of documents. He has paperwork from the attorney stating everything goes to me. I am the executor. And I know that my brother gets his bank account.
Now everyone is saying he doesn't have signs of dementia. Only the attorney told me that 7 yrs ago. This place is not a memory facility. So they said we have to go to the doctor and get an evaluation. I'm not sure but I think he's been showing signs of dementia for yrs now. And the last 18 months have been much worse. Now, he is saying crazy things. I never heard that from him before, And the anger. I told him he was going to stay with me for a week or two and his answer: why would I want to stay with you? I'm going to twiddle my thumbs until you get up at 2pm!!! He is the one who goes to bed at 6am and gets up at 2pm!!! He sat he can't believe how mean my hubby is, He never heard him say such horrible things. My hubby told him that we are doing everything we can for him. How is that mean? It's just craziness, This is all new to me and my god how hurt I feel by all these statements. So NOT my dad. I'm not sure if my brother is putting all these ideas in his head? But if my dad were "normal" he would not say anything like that. My dad was always abusive to my mom and occasionally to me but the past 7 yrs were so wonderful. No yelling. Just having a great time together. So how can nurses say he is normal now?
Can I stop my brother from creating all this drama daily?
And is the AL wanting my dad to go home because of all the drama?
I just don't know.
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The world will decide the outcome.

Others had had success with this. What Dad wants - Dad arranges. It's so simple really when written down.

You want to move Dad back home? Say Ok.

***do nothing to help*** No calls, no fixing the house for him. No arranging the power on, move his stuff, drive him. Stock the cupboards. Zero.

How far will he get without your help? A taxi ride to a house with no food?

Ask the neighbors to call you if he does turn up.

Wants to drive? Does he have his car & keys with him? If not ***do nothing to help him get them***

Saying no to our parents is a hard thing for many of us. We have been trained to help. It takes practice to say no... but you can also just let the real world say no to him this way instead.

A friend is using this now. FIL demands home from rehab. Dr says respite. She refused to collect him. He cannot drive, or even call a taxi it seems, certainly can't walk enough to get in the door let along order food, cook or wash. The world said no.
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Beatty Jun 11, 2021
I was presuming Dad has dementia or delerium from the UTI & cannot make reasonable decisions at the current time.

I apologize if that is incorrect. Regardless of age, if competent he should be able to decide his own living.

Although, if sight & hearing impaired.. he will need a big care team to support him wherever he lives.

Legal experts are trained to pick up if someone is competent to sign legal documents or not, although this would not be an actual medical diagnosis.

Has a dementia dx been made by a Doctor or Specialist?
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Hopefully you are not using your own money to renovate his house. Sounds like your dad is still an abusive jerk even though he has been decent for 7 years. Making you the executor to do all the work just so brother gets whatever is left is a pretty messed up thing to do. Not to.mention that you say your dad thinks your brother is a God and you are trash. WTH? Why would you help this man do anything if this is what he thinks of you?
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Thanks for replying to my post.

If you have guardianship then you have control. Dad had to have been found incompetent for the court to allow the guardianship. What documents did the Lawyer present to the Court proving that Dad had Dementia, at least. Dad must have been evaluated by doctors at the time for incompetency. And Dad should have been present at the court hearing so the Judge could ask him questions.

IMO, your father is incompetent and as such cannot enter into any contracts. He cannot assign a POA because there is a guardian which overrides any POAs. Get your papers out and read them. Run this by the lawyer that set up the guardianship or any lawyer. Ask what your rights are and Dads. When you get this info, then go from there.
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