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My grandmother is 78 years old and my mother takes care of her along with a caregiver and she is also in hospice. My mom is sick herself with lupus and she is getting worse because my grandmother is running her ragged. My sister and brother and I try helping with my grandmother but she only wants my mom. Hospice doesn’t really help either. Hospice says my grandmother is in her right mind but we know that she isn’t. She has tried to burn down her house by burning candy to make s’mores. My grandmother is on oxygen and she purposely runs over her oxygen tubes, and calls my mom all hours of the night. My grandmother said she will not go into a nursing g home. How can I help my mom so she doesn’t get worse with lupus?

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Obviously grandma is well enough to be by herself all night-she just doesn't want to be!
If grandma was severely short of breath and couldn't get out of bed by herself, I could understand. But it doesn't seem like that's the situation.

Grandma thinks that everyone will cave in to keep her happy if she threatens suicide. This should be taken seriously and she needs a psychiatric evaluation. The best way to have her get one is to call 911 when she threatens suicide and tell them that she's threatening to kill herself. Also tell them that she's physically hurt your mother.
They will send an ambulance and police to her house. They will want to talk to the family. Have them talk with your mother AWAY from earshot of your grandma. 
Hopefully, they will take her to ER and she'll be sent to a psychiatric facility from there. As far as I know, they can do a mandatory 72 hour "hold" (keeping her against her will) until they can make a decision about her mental stability.

You mother seems incapable of saying "No" to granny. It's not her fault, I'm sure grandma has "conditioned" her since birth to get her to do what she wants. This is where YOU and YOUR SIBLINGS need to step in and speak for your Mom. Your Mom also has to agree to go along with what you have planned and not give in to her mother .

Hospice is not a day or night care program. Some hospices have "crisis care", when families are so torn up that they can't function properly. This care usually only lasts for 24 hours. Not all hospices have this service.
You and your siblings need to speak with the hospice doctor about her medications, since the nurse says her behavior is from the medicines. I'm sure the doc can discontinue whatever is making her aggressive. He can also order something for her to sleep during the night and/or an anti anxiety pill. They need to take responsibility for this. Tell them you will be looking for a different hospice and reporting them IF they can't help you out.

Call her doctor's office and report all the things to the DOCTOR (not the front desk secretary) that you've told us. Offer to show him the videos also. Tell him you are going to Adult Protective Services because she has threatened and physically hurt your mother. That should get him to do something.

Call Adult Protective Services (1-602-371-717), report you have witnessed your grandmother hurting your sick mom. Tell them she is no longer physically capable (because of the lupus) to care for your grandma. Tell them there is no one else to care for her either because of other commitments (school, other sick family members, small children to take care of, living far away, etc.)
Also tell them she refuses her grandchildren's help when available and said she'll kill herself if she doesn't get your mother to do the care.

You need to do whatever it takes to get grandma to stop this behavior. These measures are drastic but your mom's life may depend on stopping grandma.

Good luck and God bless you all.
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So she has threatened to kill herself on multiple occasions, and now she is violent.. so yep.. plenty of reasons to call 911 and insist she be taken to a hospital for an eval., if they refuse to do this because she is so "sane",, then you tell them that you are all leaving for your own homes because you "fear for your safety", and do it. Turn off the phone, don't respond to her for the night. Then it is on official record,, and keep doing this... You may need this record down the road. And notify her Dr about it. I agree with taping the calls and behavior also.
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This is a shame, you as a child, should not have to be the one to fix this situation! How old are you and your siblings?

Something is not right here. The purpose of hospice is to make the patient comfortable. Obviously they are not doing that if she screaming and carrying on all hours of the day and night for your mom. Gma should be sleeping, relaxed and clear of pain, especially if she's only got COPD.

An adult needs to be involved since your mom is not properly protecting you guys nor herself for that matter.

Sweetheart, does your mom have any other issues besides lupus? Any mental or emotional problems? Is she on psychiatric meds, does she see a therapist or go to a out patient behavioral health center? She's obviously afflicted with some form of battered syndrome. Most caregivers draw the line at being slapped!

This is heartbreaking because it is NOT something adults handle well, so for a child it's way over your heads.

Do you still have the vids of gma flipping out? If not, make more recordings and bring them to your schools guidance counselor. Be honest and open about your home situation. Tell her/him you need help at home. They must report it to the proper authorities.

If you are above school age, get on the phone with the administration department at hospice and ask them what meds she's on that makes her violent. She shouldn't be on anything like, that at this point, when on hospice. Something is wrong.

Call 911 as soon as she starts her abuse, especially if she hits...do not wait..call! Tell police she needs a psychiatric evaluation asap.

This situation is just wrong.
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Medicare will pay for respite when hospice is involved. Grandma would go to a nursing home temporarily so Mom can get some time off. Get that for mom.
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GM needs a big fat dose of Ativan at night.
Your mom can set her phone at night to "do not disturb" or whatever it may be called on her particular phone, which will block all but certain numbers. She should allow only her employer to contact her at night. GM needs to learn her midnight calls will go unanswered. You do not "give your lunch money to a bully." So she threatens suicide and everybody caves in. Her crazy demands will only grow. Suppose she starts saying to your mom, "If you leave my apartment at all, I will kill myself! I want you right here at all times?" She is unlikely to kill herself because she is freaking out about the prospect of dying!  

I have a relative who liked making that threat. She'd say "I'm going to get my gun and end it all. She enjoyed the drama and getting everyone upset.

Then, when she was in the hospital for a heart procedure, you'd think she'd be happy to sign a DNR since she was so eager to "get a gun and end it all" like she kept telling us.
NOPE. We heard lots of shouting from her. "Don't let me die! DON'T Y'ALL DARE LET ME DIE!"

Your grandma is freaking out because she is seeing the end of her life on the horizon. She cannot control her demise, so she is lashing out trying to control others.
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What medication is she on that is making her violent?

You need a new hospice organization.

In your shoes, I would discontinue hospice, call 911 when GMA becomes violent or abusive and have her taken to the hospital for evaluation.
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Green, if you don't want your gma to wear your mom totally out and maybe kill her with her demands and keeping her up at night, re read some of the above posts and get busy DOING some of what is suggested - you CAN; obviously you care about your mom, so you MUST. Your mom may not be able to make this stop; she has probably been conditioned for years to put up with your gma's abuse and not try to do anything about it, but YOU can; be the hero!
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Green
I am so sorry for you and your mom with how your GM is behaving. If she is not mentally ill then she is abusuve. If she is mentally ill she needs to be treated for her mental illness. It’s difficult for you to see your mom abused. Again, I’m so sorry.
Since you don’t feel the hospice group is supportive try calling the Area Agency on Aging and ask for an assessment of your GM and/or your mom. Tell them your GM is abusing your mom.
Try calling the Elder Abuse hotline and tell them your mom is being abused.
Your mom needs to block your grandmas phone number. Your mom needs to call your GMs bluff. I wish I knew what to tell you to do. It may be that your mom needs to move and tell the authorities that GM is on her own and is a vulnerable adult who is alone as your mom can no longer care for her. Hugs to you and mom. I hope your mom gets a good nights rest.
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So tonight things got worse my grandmother slapped my mom and I saw it first hand. She not only slapped her but she was also screaming and threatening saying she was gonna call her tonight. This is not the first time. But we tell hospice and they don’t do anything about it except say its because of the medication she is on. She lies to her doctors saying that my mom is never there and she was once on the floor for 14 hours but that is far from the truth because my mom is over there from 6pm to 9 pm and back there in the morning at 9am. That’s on nights that she doesn’t get called in the middle of the night. There has to be something we can do because her violence and lying is getting worse. we can’t put her in a nursing home because all her doctors thinks she has a sound mind and she won’t go in herself. 
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Hospice gives respite care, doesn't it? If so, have Gma put in a nh to give Mom a break. If it works out, look into Medicaid to keep her there. Mom has her own health problems and it seems a stressful.
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You need to have a family conference and discuss how to limit the number of hours that your Mom is with your Grandmother. The previous posts have some wonderful suggestions. This is a very difficult situation because of your Grandmother's controlling and manipulative behavior. Unfortunately it may not stop until someone (your grandmother or your mother) enters a nursing home or dies.

I am glad that you and your mother can see how your grandmother is manipulating your family and how her behavior is negatively effecting your family. That is a major "First Step" that some people never get to.
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Block GMA's phone number at night on your Mom's phone.

Have a serious talk with Mom, you and your sibling. Tell her she's killing herself and it's not fair to you kids. Remind mom gma has lived her life and mom has had her mom for mom's entire life, but if mom continues this way you kids will not have your mom in your lives.

This is horrible especially if gma is deliberately abusing your mom by playing on mom's guilt or sense of responsibility to gma.

Tell Mom you guys need her now and later in life. You want your own kids to have a gma!

Hospice has inpatient facilities, ask the hospice nurse if gma can be transferred there as your mom can not physically nor mentally care for gma. This should be discussed with the nurse by your mom away from gma.

Also mom needs to get tough for herself and her kids! Tell this to Mom, remind her that her own children are her first priority. She needs to buck up and tell gma to cut the crap! She should add if gma needs this level of care she will put gma in a nursing home! Mom needs to be firm. She's allowing gma to ruin all your lives.
Keep coming back to this thread. We are here to help. Even if it sounds kinda mean. Big Hugs. You really are an awesome person!
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Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist and report the anxiety and especially the suicidal threads. Record the screaming phone calls.

Find grandma a geriatrics doc who will work with you.

Why isn't GMA in a Nursing facility?
Perhaps Mom needs to change her phone number.
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My mom works when the caregiver is there. My mom can’t turn her phone off because she is on call for her job 24 hours a day. The caregiver is only there from 9am to 3 pm. Grandma has had COPD for many years so I don’t believe she has anxiety about that. I don’t want to sound mean but we believe she is doing everything on purpose because she wants to control and hurt my mom. She acts sick and doesn’t know anyone when my mom is around at night but once her caregiver and her doctor comes in she is fine talking normal and knows who everyone are. If anyone else tries to help she threatens to kill herself. Her doctors won’t believe us and we send videos but they still don’t do anything about it. They tell us it’s the medication that’s causing her to act the way she does. I don’t want to loose my mom but if this continues she might die before my grandmother. Is there anything she can do legally because she is sick herself and getting worse. My mom ask lost 50 pounds because of depression and anxiety because of my grandmother. My sister and brother and I have done everything we can to help but it seems to get worse if we try to help.
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Is your mom resting when the care taker is there or is she also with your GM?
Could your GM benefit from a sleep medication?
COPD is frightening. Your GM probably feels safer with your mom.
Is it possible for you or one of your siblings to spend the night with GM on occasion and allow your mom to rest? Mom turns off her phone. You tell GM it’s you or no one.
Extreme anxiety is difficult to deal with but doesn’t mean a person has dementia.
When GM says “not you”, you say “me or no one”. Stick to it.
Convince mom to work with you. If each of you took a night in rotation it would be hard but not impossible.
I’m glad you are trying to help your mom. Come back and let us know how it’s going.
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My grandmother is on hospice because she copd and is getting worse and her doctors told us she needed to be on hospice. My grandma does not live with my mom but she lives next door to my mom in the same apartments. She has the max amount of hours for a caregiver which is 34 hours a week. She is left alone at night because we can’t get help at night and she just started calling all hours of the night. She sometimes calls my mom in the middle of the night for no reason just to scream at her.
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Green18, why is your Grandmother in Hospice? Hospice is usually for those patients who have 6 months or less to live.

As Hospice not helping, please note that Hospice doesn't have caregivers who come out to take care of a love one for hours on end. Since Grandmother is at home, it is up to the family to help. But I see your Grandmother has a caregiver which I assume she pays. How many hours of help does the caregiver give?

Does your Mom live with her mother? if yes, that is very exhausting work and especially since she has lupus. Your Mom needs to cut her time with her Mom, which I know isn't easy. Grandmother will just have to accept you and your siblings helping out. Just make up a "therapeutic fib" why your Mom isn't there helping, like Mom had to see her doctors today [if Mom lives elsewhere].

As Ahmijoy above had wondered, can Grandmother be left home alone at night? I honestly don't know how many hours, if any, that Hospice patient can be on their own.
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My mom try’s to take a break but she can’t because my grandmother won’t allow it. I try my best but my grandmother only wants my mom. She is alone at night. My grandmother would fake be okay with the psychiatrist just like she does with the hospice.
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If grandma has hospice and a caregiver, is there any way you can convince your mom to take a break? Can you help with your grandmother to give mom a break? Is grandma alone at night? Should she be? Mom can always turn her phone off at night. She will have to impress upon Grandma that if it’s an emergency to call 911. If you and Hospice disagree about Grandma’s mental state, maybe it’s time to have her see a geriatric psychiatrist for testing.
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