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My grandmother is 78 years old and my mother takes care of her along with a caregiver and she is also in hospice. My mom is sick herself with lupus and she is getting worse because my grandmother is running her ragged. My sister and brother and I try helping with my grandmother but she only wants my mom. Hospice doesn’t really help either. Hospice says my grandmother is in her right mind but we know that she isn’t. She has tried to burn down her house by burning candy to make s’mores. My grandmother is on oxygen and she purposely runs over her oxygen tubes, and calls my mom all hours of the night. My grandmother said she will not go into a nursing g home. How can I help my mom so she doesn’t get worse with lupus?

Is your mom resting when the care taker is there or is she also with your GM?
Could your GM benefit from a sleep medication?
COPD is frightening. Your GM probably feels safer with your mom.
Is it possible for you or one of your siblings to spend the night with GM on occasion and allow your mom to rest? Mom turns off her phone. You tell GM it’s you or no one.
Extreme anxiety is difficult to deal with but doesn’t mean a person has dementia.
When GM says “not you”, you say “me or no one”. Stick to it.
Convince mom to work with you. If each of you took a night in rotation it would be hard but not impossible.
I’m glad you are trying to help your mom. Come back and let us know how it’s going.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to 97yroldmom
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Block GMA's phone number at night on your Mom's phone.

Have a serious talk with Mom, you and your sibling. Tell her she's killing herself and it's not fair to you kids. Remind mom gma has lived her life and mom has had her mom for mom's entire life, but if mom continues this way you kids will not have your mom in your lives.

This is horrible especially if gma is deliberately abusing your mom by playing on mom's guilt or sense of responsibility to gma.

Tell Mom you guys need her now and later in life. You want your own kids to have a gma!

Hospice has inpatient facilities, ask the hospice nurse if gma can be transferred there as your mom can not physically nor mentally care for gma. This should be discussed with the nurse by your mom away from gma.

Also mom needs to get tough for herself and her kids! Tell this to Mom, remind her that her own children are her first priority. She needs to buck up and tell gma to cut the crap! She should add if gma needs this level of care she will put gma in a nursing home! Mom needs to be firm. She's allowing gma to ruin all your lives.
Keep coming back to this thread. We are here to help. Even if it sounds kinda mean. Big Hugs. You really are an awesome person!
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Reply to Pepsee
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You need to have a family conference and discuss how to limit the number of hours that your Mom is with your Grandmother. The previous posts have some wonderful suggestions. This is a very difficult situation because of your Grandmother's controlling and manipulative behavior. Unfortunately it may not stop until someone (your grandmother or your mother) enters a nursing home or dies.

I am glad that you and your mother can see how your grandmother is manipulating your family and how her behavior is negatively effecting your family. That is a major "First Step" that some people never get to.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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Medicare will pay for respite when hospice is involved. Grandma would go to a nursing home temporarily so Mom can get some time off. Get that for mom.
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Reply to gladimhere
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If grandma has hospice and a caregiver, is there any way you can convince your mom to take a break? Can you help with your grandmother to give mom a break? Is grandma alone at night? Should she be? Mom can always turn her phone off at night. She will have to impress upon Grandma that if it’s an emergency to call 911. If you and Hospice disagree about Grandma’s mental state, maybe it’s time to have her see a geriatric psychiatrist for testing.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist and report the anxiety and especially the suicidal threads. Record the screaming phone calls.

Find grandma a geriatrics doc who will work with you.

Why isn't GMA in a Nursing facility?
Perhaps Mom needs to change her phone number.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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So she has threatened to kill herself on multiple occasions, and now she is violent.. so yep.. plenty of reasons to call 911 and insist she be taken to a hospital for an eval., if they refuse to do this because she is so "sane",, then you tell them that you are all leaving for your own homes because you "fear for your safety", and do it. Turn off the phone, don't respond to her for the night. Then it is on official record,, and keep doing this... You may need this record down the road. And notify her Dr about it. I agree with taping the calls and behavior also.
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Green, if you don't want your gma to wear your mom totally out and maybe kill her with her demands and keeping her up at night, re read some of the above posts and get busy DOING some of what is suggested - you CAN; obviously you care about your mom, so you MUST. Your mom may not be able to make this stop; she has probably been conditioned for years to put up with your gma's abuse and not try to do anything about it, but YOU can; be the hero!
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Reply to mally1
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What medication is she on that is making her violent?

You need a new hospice organization.

In your shoes, I would discontinue hospice, call 911 when GMA becomes violent or abusive and have her taken to the hospital for evaluation.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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This is a shame, you as a child, should not have to be the one to fix this situation! How old are you and your siblings?

Something is not right here. The purpose of hospice is to make the patient comfortable. Obviously they are not doing that if she screaming and carrying on all hours of the day and night for your mom. Gma should be sleeping, relaxed and clear of pain, especially if she's only got COPD.

An adult needs to be involved since your mom is not properly protecting you guys nor herself for that matter.

Sweetheart, does your mom have any other issues besides lupus? Any mental or emotional problems? Is she on psychiatric meds, does she see a therapist or go to a out patient behavioral health center? She's obviously afflicted with some form of battered syndrome. Most caregivers draw the line at being slapped!

This is heartbreaking because it is NOT something adults handle well, so for a child it's way over your heads.

Do you still have the vids of gma flipping out? If not, make more recordings and bring them to your schools guidance counselor. Be honest and open about your home situation. Tell her/him you need help at home. They must report it to the proper authorities.

If you are above school age, get on the phone with the administration department at hospice and ask them what meds she's on that makes her violent. She shouldn't be on anything like, that at this point, when on hospice. Something is wrong.

Call 911 as soon as she starts her abuse, especially if she hits...do not wait..call! Tell police she needs a psychiatric evaluation asap.

This situation is just wrong.
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Reply to Pepsee
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