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Her health is failing. She can’t hardly use her hands now and needs surgery, but can’t afford it right now. She isn’t able to care for him the way he needs.


An aide comes twice a day (usually) but only sits with him for three hours. She works full time and is absolutely exhausted every day. She falls asleep talking to me on the phone. She is 52.


He is also disrespectful to her. She bends over backwards doing everything she can for him, and when she tries to explain her rheumatoid arthritis is crippling her hands and she can’t do for him like she needs to, he replies, "Well, what about me? I can’t do things, either!" He just doesn’t care about her, he only cares about himself.


I realize this is an unpleasant way to live, but saying mean and hateful and hurtful things to her isn’t helping the situation.

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I am an APS case worker. What he is doing is called abuse. Mom needs to call her local DHR/DHS office, they all go by different names. They will do an investigation and determine the needs and type of services mom and son need, if any are needed. If he needs 24/7 care and does not have the money for that, then most likely the only solution for the son would be a nursing home. If he does not have money to pay for that nursing home care, which can run from $4000 and up, then they will help him file for Medicaid. He will be giving up his check to the nursing home and they will usually give him twenty or thirty dollars a month out of it.
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She needs to stop bending over backwards doing everything she can for him.

That probably won't be easy, because it sounds as if the son lives with her.

You don't mention why he is bedridden, what his capabilities are and what his prognosis is. That could make a difference in how best to manage this situation.

Someone here already mentioned a group home. That might be more favorable for this son. He would get more attention from more able-bodied people.

If she stops doing everything for him, he will be more inclined to find a better solution.
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If she has not done so already maybe she can get in contact with a case manager.
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It would be helpful to know why he is bedridden and his age
Does his condition affect his mind?
where is his father?
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Sorry to see your daughter and her son’s situation.

What if something happened with your daughter and no longer available for her son? Then what happens with your grandson??

Her son requires a facility so your daughter can care for herself. She really cannot help him any longer. Looks like your daughter cannot work because of her hands. Can she get any health insurance to help her into hand surgery?

I know your grandson is refusing help. How about getting a social worker for him to talk with? Sorry, but it’s time to get him into facility care.
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Perhaps this is another call to Pallative Hospice. I found the people that answer the Hospice phone have a great knowledge of local resources - people, ideas, equipment, etc. - that can lead to permanent compassionate solutions. I believe that every person deserves compassionate people around them - even when they do not appreciate it, especially when they don't appreciate it.
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Patathome01 May 17, 2025
Oops. Your answer got repeated but don’t worry. Your answer gets my vote.
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Perhaps this is another call to Pallative Hospice. I found the people that answer the Hospice phone have a great knowledge of local resources - people, ideas, equipment, etc. - that can lead to permanent compassionate solutions. I believe that every person deserves compassionate people around them - even when they do not appreciate it, especially when they don't appreciate it.
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Either take him to ER or call local authorities and let them know she can not take care of him. Do not let him back into her home. Ask case manager/social worker to place him into appropriate facility.
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Place him in a group home . She will need an advocate .
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How old is he? Why is he bedridden? How long has this been going on? Get him to ER because he needs full battery of tests . Where’s his father? What a nightmare! However, take one day at a time. You can’t move him around if he’s an invalid! Hugs 🤗
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Isthisrealyreal May 14, 2025
Yes they can, invalids move all the time.
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Contact care/speak to his doctor
he can no longer live with you
He can hardly refuse - they’ll just wheel him out.
he does because he can
time to take back your power
find out who can help and after that’s done and date set - preferably with as little notice as possible to save the drama advise him you can cope and it’s time for him to move out and you look after yourself
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First, she needs to stand up for herself, she is still the mom and he is dependent on her.

How did he become bedridden? Is she letting him be a monster because she feels guilty?

His situation must be just awful, however, it is not a free pass to be a selfish, self-centered jerk off to anybody, especially the person helping him.
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cover9339 May 17, 2025
Your last sentence probably explains it all. He can't lash out at whatever caused him to be bedridden, so he takes it out on someone else to make him feel "better"
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She needs to call Adult Protection services and tell them she can no longer carw for him. The aide is not enough. He needs a LTC facility he can't afford. Then let the state take over.
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She needs to serve eviction papers on her son. It’s then up to him to work out where to go next.
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The power is with your friend. She can self report the situation to her son’s doctor, the local Adult Protective Services, and possibly the county disability office (in my county the United Way runs a clearinghouse database of services and living arrangements for adults with disabilities) She must advocate for herself, clearly stating she can no longer provide care, and not respond to manipulative guilt tactics. The situation now is not good for the son either, no one should have a caregiver not up to the job. If she’s willing to make a change, stop the bending over backwards you describe, this can be better for them both, living separately in peace
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I agree with Suzy23.

Mom will get worse and stress makes arthritis worse (found that out the hard way!!) and she needs to put herself first.

Sounds like her son will fight her on being moved to a facility, but he's a grownup and needs to act like one, disabled or not.
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cover9339 May 17, 2025
Hand arthritis is one of the worst especially if there is a flare up.
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It sounds like there is no other choice but to put the son in a facility that can care for him around the clock. “I’m so sorry son, but this isn’t working any more. I can no longer provide the care you need and by trying to do the impossible, I am putting our safety, our sanity, and both our lives at risk.”

good luck!
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