Her health is failing. She can’t hardly use her hands now and needs surgery, but can’t afford it right now. She isn’t able to care for him the way he needs.
An aide comes twice a day (usually) but only sits with him for three hours. She works full time and is absolutely exhausted every day. She falls asleep talking to me on the phone. She is 52.
He is also disrespectful to her. She bends over backwards doing everything she can for him, and when she tries to explain her rheumatoid arthritis is crippling her hands and she can’t do for him like she needs to, he replies, "Well, what about me? I can’t do things, either!" He just doesn’t care about her, he only cares about himself.
I realize this is an unpleasant way to live, but saying mean and hateful and hurtful things to her isn’t helping the situation.
That probably won't be easy, because it sounds as if the son lives with her.
You don't mention why he is bedridden, what his capabilities are and what his prognosis is. That could make a difference in how best to manage this situation.
Someone here already mentioned a group home. That might be more favorable for this son. He would get more attention from more able-bodied people.
If she stops doing everything for him, he will be more inclined to find a better solution.
Does his condition affect his mind?
where is his father?
What if something happened with your daughter and no longer available for her son? Then what happens with your grandson??
Her son requires a facility so your daughter can care for herself. She really cannot help him any longer. Looks like your daughter cannot work because of her hands. Can she get any health insurance to help her into hand surgery?
I know your grandson is refusing help. How about getting a social worker for him to talk with? Sorry, but it’s time to get him into facility care.
he can no longer live with you
He can hardly refuse - they’ll just wheel him out.
he does because he can
time to take back your power
find out who can help and after that’s done and date set - preferably with as little notice as possible to save the drama advise him you can cope and it’s time for him to move out and you look after yourself
How did he become bedridden? Is she letting him be a monster because she feels guilty?
His situation must be just awful, however, it is not a free pass to be a selfish, self-centered jerk off to anybody, especially the person helping him.
Mom will get worse and stress makes arthritis worse (found that out the hard way!!) and she needs to put herself first.
Sounds like her son will fight her on being moved to a facility, but he's a grownup and needs to act like one, disabled or not.
good luck!