Dad's Finances: What would you do?

On independent living: this only worked for us ( my "close by" brother and sil, each of us an hour away) because we kept track of meds and supplies. Mom's meds were on auto-refill and I refilled her weekly pill boxes each week and noted what was low. She was not using protective garments and as i visited once a week, anything she was out of was able to be restocked ( shampoo, dish detergent etc). If she became ill on days the doctor was not on site, it was generally not a 911 level emergency. It could wait until her was next there. We were able to call him on his cell.Or he would order a test, and she could be taken to a lab for blood work in a cab, without us showing up. It was always reported to us that it was a "harrowing ride" but that did not mean that one of us needed to be there.

We had a strict no emergency policy while mom was in IL. It was only an emergency if the facility called 911. Otherwise, it was something that staff could take care of or that one of us could deal with on one of our weekly visits.

Medical visits. We use medical transport, ie ambulette. The facility sends an aide, at my request. I don't do wheelchairs and i don't do bathroom trips. I'm there to talk to the MD and to see that my mom gets the right kind of medical care.

I'm sure this sounds cold, but I can't afford to get injured "taking care" of mom.

I think this may be a boundary issue. What mom "wants" and what we can provide are two different things. None of us have ever had a problem saying no to her, and for whatever reason, she accepts what we can and can't do.

Look, my mom has vascular dementia. I don't expect her to get nuance or to look at things from my perspective. It's a lot like dealing with an egocentric small child. I state what can or can't be done. I give her two options if that's possible. But i can't fufill all my mom's wants and desires.

This is my take on the situation, frankly but not necessarily critically:

You've been helping your father for quite a while, w/o pay, while he is in fact paying sister and BIL. Yet you've continued to help him. There's obviously some enabling going on. If father can get away with not paying, he's going to.

You want compensation. He probably doesn't think he needs to pay. You may have to take a stand and decline to provide any more free help. Are you prepared to do that?

If not, get a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to him. Be prepared for anger. But before you do that, make a list of alternate sources he can use to get the help he needs. Then he has no excuse to say he doesn't know how to get the help you've been providing.

Are you, though, prepared to endure the anger if not alienation he may feel toward you, given that your mother and sister dislike you?

As to final expenses, suggest that he purchase a funeral plan now and lock in prices. That avoids the issue of a joint account.

I have the impression that it's important to you to be involved, and to be paid. The two may in fact be mutually exclusive, given the attitude of your parents.

Perhaps you may just have to step back and let the siblings and your parents work out their own arrangements, whether they want to or not.

NEVER set up a joint account. NEVER co-mingle funds.
If he pays you, he needs to set up a payroll or issue you a 1099, otherwise this is a "gift". You really should sit down with an Elder Law attorney for an hour and avoid making a big financial mess.

Angie, here's my take. Figure out what you are willing to do for your dad WITHOUT compensation, just based on being his kid. For me, when my mom was in IL, it was visiting once a week on Saturday, taking her shopping that day, haircut one week, dry cleaners,etc. Medical appointments were scheduled at my convenience. I work full time.

What are dad5emergencies? Are they medical in nature? Is there a doctor at the IL. One of the beauties of mom's setup was that there was a doctor whho had hours twice a week at the complex; we were able to ring him for direction if mom had a "crisis". We also cut back on doctors...no more cardio, gyno, mamo. Mom saw her eye doctor, but that was it.

"Call the staff" was our mantra when mom had an "emergency", it took her a while, but she got it eventually. Don't let the fact that you have an elderly parent derail your life.

If you are giving care to your Dad without your mother's help, that is up to you. Don't complain or ask to be reimbursed for doing what a daughter does in case of a family illness. If they are "comfortable" with their finances, let them pay for professional services and you take a rest. Whether or not funeral arrangements have been made is their business and you do not need to pay for their burial. Your family doesn't sound dysfunctional, it sounds like members just don't like each other. As the saying goes, "You can choose your friends, but not your family". Take a rest and let the chips fall where they may. And stay away from your mother who is a toxic relationship for you.

Have a caretaker contract set up and yes, charge dad for his services. Get advice of an attorney. Dad needs to stop taking advantage of you and paying you is only fair. dad can prepay for his funeral - have him do that.

Thanks so much, everyone, for your responses. Here is some clarification. The acute illness phase of Dad's problems has passed. There are emergency illnesses, of course, but he has been functioning well for almost two years. I think that he could easily live another five to seven years (he is 94 years old). He sees a number of specialists. He has been hospitalized four times since he came to our city, three while he was living with us, once right after he moved to independent living. The independent living place does not provide transportation to medical appointments. This would not change if Dad moved up into assisted living. The on-site doctor is there on Wednesdays only. Dad would need to go to the ER if he were ill on a non-doctor day (that's what they told me).

Mom and Dad have always had serious marital problems. Until Dad became ill he lived with Mom in a house that is in her name only. Both of my parents are much happier with the current arrangement and do not want to live together.

ferris1, you're quite right that I've been doing what a daughter should do in the case of a family illness. And I think that up to a point it has been good for me to set aside my feelings about my past and present treatment by my family and practice forgiveness by giving service. However, the family illness phase is over. Now it's more a matter of providing continuous maintenance care.

My concern about the cost of the funeral arrangements is that Dad will no doubt pass away here because he's living here. The family will almost certainly refuse to pay for the cremation, and so on, especially if I ask them to do so.

Dad and Mom has been generous with my sister and her family, but their generosity doesn't extend to my family. Their finances, their choice. Dad will no doubt object strenuously if we try to get him to pay a professional for some services. However, I think that we're at the point where we can't continue doing everything ourselves.

Sister and her husband do a lot for Mom (who doesn't need anywhere the level of care that Dad needs), and I don't expect them to come here to help me. I do think that they should visit once in awhile (they haven't) because Dad misses them.

Here's the current plan. I actually am having some serious (although non-life-threatening) health issues. After I have more information (upcoming medical appointment should give me the details) I'm going to talk to Dad and explain that, at least for awhile, my health issues will make it necessary for him to hire paid help to provide some of his services. We have researched the paid assistance situation and have found what appears to be an excellent source of help. If Dad agrees, we will make the arrangements for him to hire a caregiver. If he refuses . . . then we'll have to think up a plan B.

Harpcat, Thanks so much for your response. I read the Boundaries book years ago, but I think that I need to read it again. Dad wants to shop at places that aren't on the route of the IL van. And, of course, he also wants personalized door-to-door service. There is a senior cab service here in town. It won't take him on a loop from store to store, but it will take him to one specific store of his choice and pick him up at a time of his choosing. We actually had planned to take Dad over and sign him up this week (provided he agrees), but he has a bad cold at the moment. As soon as he's fully recovered, we will do that.

I know what you mean, Freqflyer. They're "independent"; we're scrambling to keep up with their needs. Dad doesn't think to tell us that he's running low on one or more of his meds until he's almost out. If my husband didn't keep track of the refills and renewals, we'd be in crisis medicine mode more often than not.

As for the health issues, here's a snippet of a conversation I had with Dad awhile back:

Angie [after a particularly exhausting doctor visit/med run]: My back hurts.

Dad: And I'm tired. [no acknowledgment whatsoever of my remark]

I think I'm so glad dad's grandson was willing to give up his independence for him to have his and move in with him and take care of his meds, take him to the doctor and, after he wound up in the hospital, for which I went, what? doing my daughterly duty, though I was close to dad and considered it more than a duty, he started doing more, if not all, not really sure how much dad had still been doing by that point, of keeping supplies laid in, as he, over the course of the next couple years, not just coming out of that hospitalization, he seemed okay for a while after that, not like what they said they thought he would be like but maybe they were just a little off on his timing, but, strangely enough, his next hospitalization just a couple months, if that long, later, was totally different, maybe because nobody could be with him? interesting....but dementia did come to the point he wasn't going to be able to keep it up; dad reached a point he wasn't able to be checking anything....