What can I do to help my sister?

Tell your mom that you are taking her to your house to spend the night and to give your sister a break.

Ask your other siblings for money to get a Gift Card to a Restaurant and movie and offer to come there to watch mom while they go out..

Tell brother that has been doing nothing how straining it is for your sister and that she needs a break and ask him to contribute money monthly so you can hire a Caregiver to go to your sister's home once a week for a few hrs to give her a break.

Aso the other sister to watch mom and take your sister to get a Manicure and Pedicure.

Arange for Sister to get a massage.

Send or bring your Sister some pretty flowers and a card telling her how thankful your are that she's taking such good care of mom.

Your Sister needs at least a weekly break before she has burnout or a nervous breakdown.

Her and her husband need some alone time and if she isn't married, your sister needs some time for herself.

You need to make this happen.

I might add, if you can find out what motivates your sister you may get a head start.

Love? Does she think it is more loving to do it all herself?
Truth? Did she make 'the promise' of no NH ever?
Obey? Does she think she must obey Mother's wishes of no outside help?

I am still in the middle of this with my lot. The Carer-Extraordinaire in my clan is motivated by Duty. After more than 6 chats (much much more), inc interventions with more family & social worker - there is little real change. Medical professionals advised me to walk away for my own self-preservation 😔. They said some will martyr themselves for duty. But this differs to your sister as no resentment - like a captain who willingly goes down with the ship.

The resentment from your sister indicates she is giving too much.

She must choose to change her situation. The alternative of waiting for magic to fix it doesn't work.

You can see it is getting too much for your sister. Your sister knows it's too much. The question is - is she willing to change?

Is she ready to LOOK at the situation with fresh eyes - SEE what is required & CHANGE to a new plan?

Or is she holding tight under a blanket of denial?

A therapist told me it can take SIX sit down honest chats before someone may be ready to look & acceptance starts to creeps in. Then more chats to find the new plan.

So keep talking! With time & support, hopefully together you can steer towards a better place.

Except for the RARE person, I don’t think anyone knows what they’re getting into when taking in an aging parent or relative. It can stretch on and on and on, until you no longer recognize any part of yourself. Don’t do it unless it’s made clear up front that it’s only temporary until other arrangements can be made. I’ve said yes too many times...so I know first hand. Parents are not meant to live with their adult children...period. Married or single it simply wont work. My grandmother came to live with my family when I was 16-17. She was 90 and had money so my parents took her in when grandfather died. That lasted 10 years. I couldn’t wait to get out of that house. She was senile so every night she’d cry out in her sleep that she was lonely, and it was chaotic and disruptive to me and my siblings (my parents had a BR on the first floor). She had 5 children but we got stuck. My mom and dad used us the entire 10 years as “backup” caregivers until she died. My parents moved in with me twice as an adult and twice with my younger sister and twice with my older sister until my very ill father died. Now mom is living with younger sis and me during summer months. All of us have worked hard and made a good living...wonder why. Never wanted to end up like my parents...financially dependent on others. I often wonder what a normal life is like. I’ve also taken in a brother in law, a sister (short time), my mother in law several times, a SIL, and finally Mom as secondary caregiver. I’m so tired of it. I will never do that to my 2 sons and daughters-in-law! Plan now! If you’re stuck and burnt out....make another plan. It will certainly kill you if you don’t.

Anybody out there,
Your sister is angry and resentful. These emotions are what is constant and familiar to her therefore she feeds them to her own detriment. If this were not the case she would not contribute to her own suffering by not accepting anything that you have offered. It is sad but there is no way you can help her until your sister decides to help herself. Nothing grows you Iike pain. Your sister needs to go deep and change within herself. Until that process for her begins you will be the focus of her anger and resentment. Give her space to realize the value your check-ins are and take care of you and your child.

Her anger isn't towards *you.* She is feeling trapped and desperate about the entire situation. As she says, there is nothing you can do about it.

Except, keep going. And keep talking.

Your sister is burnout. Spend some time talking to your sister and ask about her - not Mom. She may feel the burden to care for her family and Mom in a time of pandemic is becoming overwhelming. She probably can't find the words to express her frustration at having to "handle it all" and you are an easy target that she is trying hard not to lash out at. Maybe suggest she see a counsellor with you to get on a better footing in your relationship. She may respond better to a counsellor's prompting to let you help more and in other areas.

BurntCaregiver, you are so right!! A housing situation that worked ok for a while, now is not working - so mom is going to have to be rehoused. Sister has done a lot, but she must feel she is in for a life sentence. Time passes, things change. There are options, but it is necessary to admit at first that the prison door is in fact wide open and you can walk through it.

It's time for your mom to get a different living situation. It's obvious to me from reading what you've posted that your sister does not want her living there anymore and she won't come right out and say so. No one wants to be the one who comes right out and is honest about it. No one wants to hurt someone's feelings or be seen as a selfish failure who won't let their elderly parent stay. Your sister is refusing your offers to help because the kind of help you're offering is not what she wants. She doesn't want to be responsible for your mom anymore and wants her to move elsewhere. It's time for you to plainly ask her outright if this is so. Then you and your sister together can make other living arrangements for her.

Usually it's the sibling in your secondary role who doesn't do or offer a thing, or is out of town and can't. It's really generous of you to care enough to make yourself available like this. And Covid really mucks it all up because even if you both were willing to see what services were available to help you both with mom, it means opening yourselves up to a stranger and the risk of illness. Your sister is really being ungrateful and unappreciative, but burnout can do that. Caregiving is so much in the details and then you come along and don't seem to know HER obvious realities. And so many of us really need to get away, but money is an issue. However even staying locally at a nice hotel can be more affordable...maybe that might work...

Hi Anybody. I am the sister providing full time care for my Mom. I would start taking your Mom out more again giving your sister and her husband a break. Maybe dinner a few times a week? Even though your Mom doesn’t necessarily want to. Set it up of course with your sister’s ok and that’s what you tell Mom will be happening. Make it a set schedule so your sister knows the break times. Your Mom is getting great care so she needs to do her part to make the arrangement continue to work. You don’t mention dementia so Mom ought to understand this. Could you take your Mom one weekend per month maybe to your house? That would be huge for your sister and husband. Being a full time caregiver is draining. Covid certainly adds to the stress. You are a kind sister to care. Good luck.

I was the sister who cared for my mom. It’s hard. It really is. Our emotions get so clouded due to the stress, exhaustion and isolation.

All I can say is that when caregiving for an extended period of time it does change our perspective on things. Yes, even our moods/ personalities change and I am sorry about that.

You sound sincerely concerned and very sweet. I realize there are two sides to this story. I see through your words that you care.

Let’s be honest, your sister needs a real break. A brief time is all that you may be able to do. I see that you have responsibilities too. We all do.

Please read Isthisreallyreal’s response again. She took the words out of my mouth as to how I felt.

I know you feel hurt and I understand. I know that you can probably cut the tension with a knife around your sister and that is hard but it’s because we feel overwhelmed as primary caregivers.

I did burn out. Ask anyone here and they will tell you how stressed that I was.

Since I am no longer the primary caregiver I am feeling like myself again. We lose ourselves due to only being able to be a caregiver.

Everyone needs a break from time to time. Yes, they may at some point have to be open to consider having someone else care for their loved one. Not an easy transition because we start to feel like we must do all the caregiving. It’s all we know.

It’s hard to explain. Sorry if I can’t articulate it well enough for others to see how it feels. I had no idea it would be as hard as it was. You really do have to walk in a caregiver’s shoes to completely understand.

My mom is now with my sibling and he is getting a dose of reality of how hard it was for me. I am glad that he called in hospice to help.

It isn’t good for anyone if the caregiver burns out, not the caregiver, the siblings, the caregiver’s family and certainly not their loved one that is being cared for.

I would like to thank you for posting this concern. It shows that you care.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I missed the part about Anybody being a DR, but if she is then I am in favor of her "gifting" a weekend away while Anybody stays with Mom, Or perhaps they could "swap homes" for a weekend,, sort of like an AIRBNB? I know that sounds weird, but it is a BREAK for sis.. no nighttime calls for help, no worries Mom is alone. Forget about the brothers,, just focus on sis. And as for taking mom out for a drive,, don't ask, just do,, a drive won't give her COVID, and the time alone may help sis out.

Do you think there is any chance that her fury, depression, et al is not really directed at you personally, but is directed at a world she cannot abide nor control in any way, a life that has become basically a misery for her? I looked at NotGoodEnough below, and it really makes me think so.
Will your sister sit and speak with you. Can you say "I really need to speak to you and I need you to be honest with me. I am trying to help, but I can't know what to do to help, and I am not sure there IS any help. I just need to know if there is anything I can do for you." If she will not speak to you, then her anger and depression is beyond your help.
What I do need to tell you is I am worried about your bro who is tapping into your Mom's money and I think you need to discuss this also. I fear the time is coming when Mom will need to move to care, whether she built this to live in life long or not. And if she needs any financial help after her assets are spent down there is the five year lookback (unless you are in lucky california) and your bro's money will be considered a gifting of assets that prevents Mom getting help.
I can't know what is going on, but I do think that often we take things personally that are not meant so, that are simply pure frustration, and to be honest DESPAIR.
Your kind heart is proven in the above. I don't have an answer, and if Sis won't talk NONE of us will have, and you will have to go on doing the best you can. Ask Sis what her hubby WILL eat, and give her coupons to have food brought in from his favorite place. I can't come up with anything else and you have a full plate yourself.
I will say that this end of life nightmare is every parent's nightmare, every child's nightmare. I think parents and children should not live together. I so seldom see it work.

Dear Anybody, I just feel so bad for you. Had to say you are not alone - but gosh you are in a tough spot and I don’t think there is anything more you can do to make this better. Boy do I wish I could wave a wand to ease you & your sister’s burden. My humble & most sincere hope things improve for your struggling sister. And my best virtual hug for YOU for trying to make things right in a no win situation. Your efforts and empathy are huge! You are an inspiration- peace to you dear Anybody. ♥️

So, I'm the little sister taking care of mom.

Similar situation. My husband and I bought a 2 family home, with the intention of mom moving up into our apartment once she retired (this was 25 years ago). It was a win-win for everyone - mom got to live with family and we had reliable baby sitting, because hubby and I were both first-responders with shifting and unpredictable schedules.

So fast forward to 2 years ago when my mom got sick. She had had early stage heart failure for many years -over 10! - managed by minimal medication. But 2 years ago, she came down with some sort of respiratory infection and it did substantial damage to her heart. Within a couple of months my mother went from being substantially independent to practically fully dependent. Gradually she's been losing mobility, strength, muscle mass, etc.

I find myself angry a lot. At the unfairness of the situation. It's nobody's fault. But that does little to ease the anger. And there is fear mixed in there, as well. And being afraid makes me angry, too. And sometimes, I lash out at people who love me, people I know will have my back and help me no matter what, because I know it's "safe" to do so...that they're not going to say "screw you!" and walk away from me, that I can talk to them once I'm calm and not so angry and apologize, and my behavior will be forgiven because the people who love me know the enormous strain I'm under.

My point is this - I doubt your sister is angry "at" you. I'm sure she realizes that you are doing everything you can think of to help. While it should, knowing that doesn't make it easier to accept the situation. When she lashes out, she might be like me - she's taking it out on you because it's "safe". I know it's not fair to you, and I'm really sorry you have to be in this position. I'm just trying to put it in a different sort of light that might make it a little easier to accept.

You're a good sister. I imagine when the time has come and your mom has passed, your sister will tell you that, as well.

(((hugs)))

First, kudos to you for being a kind and supportive sibling. This site is full of families who don't have that (mine included).


I'm not sure of your financial situation but my suggestion is hiring a cleaning service for the house (not just your mom's area). I realize that may not be possible right now because of Covid. Perhaps, relieving the time and physical effort of cleaning will give your sister some time for herself. This idea could go for hiring a lawn service as well, if needed.

Good luck and again, thank you for being her ally in a rough time.

I applaud your for the role you're taking in caring for your mom. Your not the primary care giver, but you're doing your best to help your sister. However, the help you give doesn't appear to be enough anymore. I'm sure your help was appreciated by your sister, but now things have worsened and she needs more help. I can tell by your story that you're saddened that you can't help more and that your sister is becoming stressed and frustrated.

Does your mom have enough assets to afford an assisted living facilty? You could take the time to visit some of them and inquire about costs, living arrangements, and services. Many offer respite service where your sister could place mom for a few days while she (sis) gets a well deserved break. Hiring a home care helper might work but having another person in the house could also add to the turmoil your sister already feels.

If mom doesn't have the assets, or has minimal assets, start applying for medicaid. That would open up some other options.

It sounds like the answer is to find mom a new "home". Your sister's tolerance will continue to decline and the situation will worsen. Continue your love and concern for your family as I know you will. God bless you.

Seems it’s time for a sit down meeting with sister to discuss what’s not working for her in this living arrangement. Tell her you want to know it all and sit back and listen. Maybe you’ll find out out mom's care has gotten more involved than you know about, maybe it’s affecting her marriage or children, maybe her health isn’t what it was, maybe finances aren’t good. There are a myriad of possibilities why she’s angry and needs a different and better plan for mom. I hope you can have an honest discussion, you’ll have to be prepared for her anger, and come up with some new ideas

Maybe you should ask her if she thinks it is time to hire an aid or look into a facility for mom.

She sounds like she is burned out and barely treading water.

Have you asked about taking mom to your home for a month? Hourly respite is a nice thought but not a great deal of help for someone that is just tired.

Can you afford to get a room for your sister and her family for a long weekend? She hasn't had a life of her own for so long she may not be able to see beyond what has been.

Lastly, you should send your sister flowers with a thank you card for allowing your mom to move in on her life and for all she does. She deserves it.

It all sounded so good 8 years ago when your mother put the money from her house sale into building an in-law apt. onto your sister's house. At least it was 8 years ago, so the money from that house sale is beyond the reach of Medicaid. But your mother continues to give money to one of your brothers. THAT money would need to be accountable to Medicaid to determine her eligibility. And in a previous message in 2018, you indicated that your mother gives money to both of your brothers. ("I have constant simmering resentment toward my non-contributing brothers, who take far more than they give. Mom worries about money constantly and unloads these worries on me, yet continues to let them drain her of all her assets.)

As is seen so often on this forum, the sons don't do a thing (and sometimes take money from the elder), while the daughters are left doing the caregiving.

You cannot step up to help your sister more, because of your job and your child's needs. Your brothers are not going to step up -- they are lousy takers and not givers.

Who has POA for your mother? I'm assuming that because you are a doctor that you have HCPOA? Just because your mother has enabled your brothers does NOT mean that you have to step up and do more.

Your brothers should pay back all the money they were given so that caregivers can be hired. Just how much money has she given away in the last 5 years?

Would your mother qualify for assisted living? A skilled nursing facility? What are the sorts of things that your sister has to for her?