What can I do to help my mom who was very close and is now treating me, her only child, as a stranger since my father died last month?

Your mom is most likely experiencing dementia. I would try showing up as if you never had the conversation and see how she reacts. If you notice other signs of dementia, take her to her doctor and explain. She needs evaluation. It's often most difficult for people close to the person experiencing early dementia to recognize it. If you have a friend who has been through this with their own parent, you might want to bring them along and see what they think.

Make sure mom isn't sick, first thing. UTI's are so common and can completely change a person's demeanor.

If that is not the problem, just give her some time. Does she have a neighbor you can ask to kind of check on her, daily?

She's probably grieving, and grief does funny things to people. It's a huge change to go from living with someone for many years and then losing them and having to find your 'new normal'. Maybe she just wants space.

When my daddy passed, my mother shed zero tears. She also didn't really acknowledge to us kids the grief we were feeling. It was weird, but not out of the way 'abnormal'. It just was what it was. She didn't want people around her either, and slowly she moved on to a life w/o 24/7 CG.

The fact mom states she spoke to an attorney, yet doesn't have one is troubling. Has she shown signs of dementia herself? Maybe time to focus on mom for a bit.

It's possible she's being scammed or exploited, maybe by someone who actually is an attorney, or by someone who claims to be giving legal advice. If her husband died a month ago, she probably has had necessary contact with some type of attorney recently. She and her husband probably had a will drawn up with an attorney, maybe a trust as well. This attorney might now be helping her create a new will. Do not assume the attorney is your pal. Do not assume the attorney is doing what's best for your mother, for you, or for your family. The one thing you can assume: an attorney will strongly suggest and actively promote the most expensive legal solutions to your mother and anyone else in the family. This would include the attorney making himself executor of a new will, the attorney naming himself in a third-party trust, etc. Go visit mom and do whatever you have to do to get a look at paperwork--will, trusts, house title, etc. If you must sneak behind her back to get access to this info, so be it, you're doing it for a good cause. At least get contact info for any lawyer involved. If a lawyer actually is telling mom to get rid of you, that's a very bad sign. But it could be that's just mom's bizarre interpretation.

If Mom has caller ID on her landline, you should be able to see who called her. Of course with a cell you see who she called and who called her.

I hope you have POA. Makes life easier. Ciuld it be that caring for Dad you didn't notice the early signs of a Dementia. Chalked it up to old age? Mom could have a Uti, could be taking her meds wrong. The death of Dad could cause a depression. She could not be drinking or eating properly. Dehydration can do a number of things.

If I were you, I would definitely visit and see what is going on. If she still is not herself, take her to her PCP for a good checkup.

I’d reinforce Beekee's post. Where I am it is still common to post death notices in the local papers. The bereaved are often approached by everyone from real estate agents assuming that they are going to downsize, to charities assuming that they will rewrite their will and might leave a bequest, to financial planners offering free advice. Scammers are less common, but they can and do happen. Don’t accept that “you don’t need to come today or ever again”, keep going until things settle down, and keep your eyes wide open. If you need to start a conversation, say that you have been approached yourself, or that you have been told about this happening.

Oh holy mackerel - get round there, fast. It really does sound as though some low-life has moved in on her. In her state of profound grief and dislocation she is terribly vulnerable; and you need this cleared up.

You may need to be firm at first. Don't plead, insist on an explanation.

Have police do a well check if she doesn’t answer phone or door. Read up about grief after losing a husband.

Some attorney’s can not be trusted they petition the court for Guardianship &/or Conservator and then stick eld

ers in nursing home without notifying family.

You are right in thinking that something is amiss. If your dad was 91, then I assume your mom is at least late 80s if not early 90s herself. That generation is way too trusting, naive, and gullible. (Going through the same thing myself with my dad.) They believe that everyone has their best interests in mind and are too easily swayed. You need to do some digging and find out who she has been in contact with, and I think you need to act quickly.

My first thought is your mom is depressed.
Your dad died, but her husband died...A man that she has probably been with for more than 1/3 of her life. One that she loved, raised a family with, cared for and now....nothing.....

I would go by for a visit.
Go in and see how she is doing.
If she looks at all "off" soiled clothes, hair not combed, anything out of character for her I would be very concerned.
If necessary call 911.
Look into a Bereavement Support group you could go with her. Although there are support groups for people that have lost spouses.

My thought is she may have decided to just "give up"....

Offer to take her for the usual shopping trip. Check for signs of self-neglect - unkempt appearance, unkempt house... she may have depression and wish to join your dad.

G see your Mom. She's probably on an emotional elevator. She may not even remember saying that to you. But if she does, ask her why she said that. Don't hold it against her. Just show up. Especially if you know she is limited in what she can do.

Any update on your mom, Only?

Definitely show up. You need to find out if there is an attorney you dont know about - obituaries are an easy picking ground for unscrupulous vultures. Other than that - watching your father with dementia may have taken a toll - physical or mental - a visit to the doctor (with a previsit heads-up as to what happened). It is said with dementia - they usually turn on the one (s) they loved most. If that is the case - you will need to find ways to redirect or to just ignore when she is not herself.

It sounds like your Mom also may have dementia and may not know what she is saying or doing. Ask her who is her attorney, and especially ask her to share why she doesn't need you anymore. She may think she is strong enough to handle the loss of her spouse, but sounds confused, which brings me back to the dementia part. And, at this time of her loss, she can't think straight, hence the comments. I bet if you visit her she will welcome you as she may be so distressed esp. if she hasn't taken her meds in a day or so. Be strong, be the parent.

Your mother is diagnosed with dementia? If so this is the disease combined with depression speaking. Just continue to go to see your Mom. I am assuming she is in care? If not, you need to be certain papers for POA are in order, or you may need guardianship, and you need to be certain health care proxy or POA for health is in place. There is likely a huge component of depression in this, but it also may not get better and may get a good deal worse. It is more a fact of needing now to get Mom safe. That said, are you CERTAIN she does not have an attorney? They do indeed make house calls. Most of all, now you must deal with Mom's safety.

Your mom sounds like she's grieving & could be in an angry phase. She could also be depressed & also have some dementia. Go see your mom now & if she greets you as usual, that might confirm the dementia. Schedule a doctor visit for cognitive testing which she should be having once a year if she's on Medicare. She may have mixed up her meds causing her behavior or not slept. It's important to check in on her. If she won't allow you, is there a close friend who could do it. If not & she looks like she's struggling (unkempt, noticeable weight loss, dry mouth, confused, etc.) contact APS with her situation & they'll visit her. She should be encouraged to contact a grief counselor as most grief groups are probably not meeting. She may need to be followed closely to see how she's managing at home, to see what kind of assistance she needs at home or if AL is needed. Good luck & don't feel stressed. She needs your help in whatever direction you go. She may not appreciate your help or interference (the way she sees it), but she needs you. Good luck!

Just go. You just need to continue, business as usual. Even you recognize that she was ok with you being there the night before.

My mom had quite a bit of confusion after my youngest brother died very recently. She asked a neighbor who the lady was in her living room. It was my sister who my mom knew only moments before. My mom is 96 and had no dementia issues prior to this unexpected death.

Just go.

Visit her anyway. She may be taken advantage of by others. You need to be there for her.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad and for what your experiencing with your mom now.

My dad had cancer and my mom was the primary caregiver for him after his diagnosis, for the last 6 months of his life. We had 12 hours a day in-home health aides for my dad and my twin brother and I took turns staying the night for the other 12 hours since my mom was elderly and also showing signs of physical and mental decline. After my dad died, my mom was overwhelmed, her whole world changed. She showed signs of mental decline quickly so we had her evaluated by a neurologist. The diagnosis: Alzheimer's. It was a shock to us but it made sense. The Neuro told us that sometimes, and quite often, the stress of daily care-giving for a LO can bring out an underlying condition that has been there dormant.

The fact that your mom knows you and is receptive to you one day and the next it's a totally different situation, makes me wonder if the same thing is happening with her. It is a hard diagnosis to hear and accept, especially after going through it with your dad, but please have her evaluated and reach out for care-giving assistance for her and just as importantly for you, you will get through this too.

You have some tough decisions coming up soon. The first step is going to visit her, even if she doesn't want it.

First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your father & now going through this nightmare with your mom. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a good resolution to this situation with her.

I'm sure your mother is suffering from dementia, coupled with the recent shock of losing her husband, which is a recipe for disaster. His death may have pushed her over an 'edge' she was teetering on for a while.........think about it.

When my father died, leaving his wife of 68 years, my mother had a very odd reaction. She was not yet diagnosed with dementia, but definitely exhibiting all the signs and symptoms at that time (in 2015). The first thing she did was to immediately collect ALL of his belongings, stuff them into a large lawn bag, throw a few of HER things on top of the pile, then ask me to go 'donate her stuff to Goodwill.' I knew what she was doing right away, and I was not a happy camper, let me tell you.

She then told me (like 2 days after he died) that the man across the hall from her in Assisted Living came by and asked her to go on a cruise with him!!! I swear I think she was purposely trying to drive me away, because I was livid to hear her make that casual remark, then laugh about it like a schoolgirl. She all but blushed when telling me the story (several times, no less).

Then one day, she called me to come over; she felt compelled to tell me something SO FOUL about my father that to this very day, I've been unable (and unwilling) to forgive her for uttering. I was flabbergasted. Right then and there, my husband and I decided I would never visit my mother alone again. He would always be there with me as a buffer. She, for some reason, loves to treat me like a 2nd class citizen. And yeah, I had just lost my father and here she was, rubbing salt in my wounds as if she enjoyed doing so.

I don't know why your mother is acting like this, but I'd throw dementia and trauma into the mix as a guess. Call her doctor and let him/her know what's going on and maybe an anti depressant or anti anxiety medication can be prescribed. Anxiety and/or depression can rear its ugly head in a wide variety of ways, esp when dementia is also at play.

As the others have said, I'd go see her and make sure she's physically okay. She's obviously not okay mentally, which is to be expected during times of such profound grief. But to turn against you like this is weird. Do you think there's been someone influencing her in some way? Like a man 'wanting to take her on a cruise?' or waiting in the wings for her husband to die so he could take over? I always doubt such things, but who knows, right?

I'm really sorry for the added stress you are going through right now. I hope you can make some headway with your mother and get her to see that you're on HER side here. Best of luck

My father died in 2004 and my mother did the thing. She was already displaying signs of Alzheimer's, which she was later formally diagnosed by three doctors and an MRI. She was mean to my father and refuse to care for him.
After his death, my mother refuse to talk to us, threatened to sue me and did, was mean and nasty. When I think back I believe that her dementia caused a great deal of her unpleasant behavior.

My siblings and I eventually went to court upon the advice of my mother's long time CPA and physician and took over her affairs and guardianship. She is now in a facility under memory care, is not even aware of who we are now or where she is. We visit her once a month mainly out of obligation and to make sure she is being well cared for. My brothers resigned as guardians and I alone remain her sole guardian, trustee and POA. I take care of all her business and caregiving affairs.
Life is strange sometimes and we just accept them and try to move forward. Take care of yourself and be forgiving and compassionate.

Imho, perhaps your mom is, of course, suffering from the tremendous loss of her spouse. I am so sorry for the loss of your father and send you condolences. There may be a good chance that your mother did not mean the things that she verbalized to you. Still continue to visit her. Speaking of an attorney who is non existent is a sign that something is amiss.

First see if some medications can help her. Second get hold of an elder care attorney and find a way to get a Power of attorney so you are in charge. it is possible she has dementia and she is in shock over the loss of your father. Perhaps it might be time to look into placing her somewhere. Why on earth would you put up with her if she doesn't talk with you or have any interests and needs help? I' give I just so long and lay the law down to her and if she doesn't change, she will either have caretakers or go into a facility.

It sounds like she is dealing with the shock of losing him. Plus she has some dementia.

I would go through with your plans to be with her.

Pprepare yourself to be strong, for her.