We are in SC and my step-father placed my mom in a Memory Care Facility. There is no POA - but the facility states since he is spouse he can do this. He does not do medical recommendations by the facility or doctor recommendations. He verbally abuses her, very rarely goes to see her and when he does, he mentally torments her. He does not even make sure she has necessities at the facility, including briefs, wipes, and oxygen. He also does not take her to doctor appointments. I reported him to APS several times (they say mom is not a vulnerable adult bc she is in a facility), he is mad at me and told facility they are not allowed to provide me any information. He also has dementia, house is in dissary, he has become belligernt and wants to control everything that happens with my mother. I do not have $15,000.00 for an elder law attorney and facility is of no help even though they see me doing everything and my mom expressing she does not want my step father involved with her or her care at all.I do not know what else to do. Does anyone have any suggestions? Like I said I emailed all her doctors, reported him to the hospital, have kept nursing facility updated with all of this, and filed numerous APS reports. He refuses to let me mother come home and live - he tells her she is crazy and she is not going anywhere because he enjoys living with out her but then the facade changes when he is infront of others. There is alot more to this story as to the neglect she received at home but I would be writing a book. LOLThank you in advance for any suggestions
If she is in a Memory Care Facility, I don't understand what medical recommendations by the doctor he is not doing. Your stepfather should not need to provide any cares. That is the job of the MC facility.
It sounds like your mother is where she belongs. I'm sure she's much better cared for than she would be at home with him. If your mother has stated that she does not want her husband involved, she can ask the staff to keep him away. She should be protected from him if she doesn't want him there.
I don't think you are in a position to take care of your mother's needs. It sounds like you have dreams and hopes which are not realistic. You are working and going through a divorce, but hope to get her an apartment, have your daughter move in, and get nursing care at home. Who will pay for all this? Does your daughter want to move in with Grandma and take care of her? This hopeful solution is not fair to anyone. Be an advocate for your mom at the memory care. They are responsible for taking care of her needs. Let them do their job and help them to provide the best care for your mom.
Some attorneys will work pro-bono. There are non-profits who do this - so check.
She may need to be-come a ward of the state unless you can arrange another to manage legalities. Do not wait.
You focus a lot on daughter getting apartment with grandma and all we be Ok. It won’t. Even if she goes and helps grandma now as some suggest it will be different 1-1 situation with disease which destroys so much of sick person and those around them.
Why would you want that for your daughter? Instead of proper career, job, school? Caregiving is the hardest job ever!
AI Overview
In South Carolina, a spouse generally cannot unilaterally place a wife with dementia in a memory care facility without legal authority like a Healthcare Power of Attorney(POA) or court-appointed guardianship if she lacks capacity, as she retains decision-making rights until legally deemed incapacitated, even for spouses. Without these, the husband may need to petition the court for guardianship or conservatorship to make such decisions, though facilities' policies and social workers can offer guidance on temporary care or placement, especially if her safety is at risk, but legal steps are needed for permanent placement without consent.
Why a POA or Guardianship is Needed
Capacity: A POA is only valid if signed when the person (your wife) has the mental capacity to understand it. If she lacks capacity due to dementia, she can't sign one now.
Legal Authority: Without a POA or court order, even a spouse isn't automatically granted power to make major healthcare or placement decisions for an incapacitated partner.
Guardianship/Conservatorship: If no POA exists, a family member must petition the South Carolina court to become a legal guardian (for healthcare) or conservator (for finances) to gain the authority to make these choices.
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Also, Proberts, the facility supplies briefs, wipes and oxygen. It's their job. You say it's private pay, so mom isn't in a charity ward where necessities aren't provided. Plus if dad is abusing mom on facility property, I doubt that the facility would allow that. So who is giving you this information? Have you actually seen the things that go on there?
1) Have your daughter spend extended time with your mother at the facility EVERY DAY, to get a sense of what she is like for more than a short visit. She can help her with toileting and meals, etc., so she gets the attention she needs AND she can get a taste of what it would really be like doing this as a full-time job.
2) Take care of your divorce without a second legal battle and stress. Button it up.
3) Wait for stepfather to truly lose his mind and become declared incompetent after he does something stupid at home (kitchen fire? floods the property? etc), has an accident and ends up in the hospital, etc., and you report him to APS.
4) Step forward as your mother's guardian when step father is removed after being declared incompetent.
At that time you can decide if removing her from MC is really the right move, or finding her an AL where support can be managed but not requiring the type of all-in care that is a lot harder to manage in reality than in theory.
You are not in a good position to get what you want. He is her spouse. She chose him and she is suffering the consequences. She did not chose you when it mattered and the legal system will be on his side. If she is living in MC she probably has a diagnosis of dementia and is no longer legally competent to choose a new POA. Sad but true.
I think if APS is rejecting your allegations and so is the Ombudsman (who is employed by the state, not the facility), your only option is to go to court to get guardianship of your mother. That would, indeed, be expensive. And once you had guardianship, then you would probably need to file for divorce and/or financial support from your stepfather, and that would be a long and expensive battle also. Does your mother have her own income and assets from her lifetime, like a pension, investment account, property in her name, or at least co-owned with her husband? Or is all of that in his name?
What is your mother's actual diagnosis, and what is her capability level?
I'm sorry this is so distressing to you, especially when you're going through the additional stress of a divorce. But this all needs to be carefully planned and thought out, not just wishful thinking like, "oh my daughter can just move into an apartment with her and it will all be okay."
If you're hoping your daughter would enjoy to give up her personal time at home, development of her career and/or education, and her investments into her future social security by becoming an unpaid caregiver in exchange for "free rent" I would refer you to the emancipation proclamation which indicates that a place to live isn't a fair exchange for one's freedom.
Now, to manage as POA for your mother will be complicated as if she still has assets with her husband THAT would be costly. But it is nonsense to say that it costs 15,000 to see an elder law attorney. It costs maximum of hourly fee 400.00 to 700.00 for an hour of advice on your options moving forward.
If your stepdad has DIAGNOSED dementia there is no way he should be acting as POA. But your simply saying it doesn't make it so.
Meanwhile you try to keep it on even keel with stepdad or he will forbid you seeing your mother. You visit your mom and supply those things missing that you are able to afford and able to supply and you provide her with love. She is in care and away from him and THAT I am afraid is the only good news here so far. This was likely the state of their marriage for a long long long time.
Good luck. You need the advice of an attorney. Call offices of Elder Law attorneys, making it clear you need an hour of advice and options ONLY and are wanting to start with buying one hour consult in time.
Your Mom is much better in a facility for now, with a team of experienced professionals tending to her needs. If she qualified for MC, it is not a good idea to take her out of there.
How can you (or your Mom) afford an apt. and pay for extra nurses too? That should ALL be your Stepdad's financial responsibility, which you say he can afford private pay. It sounds like Mom just misses her animals, which is not a qualified reason to try to remove her from MC.
What is so bad about the MC facility? Does your Mom beg you to bring her back home all the time? Cries about being miserable or missing her husband? Hates the food? Hates the facility?
Apparently your Stepfather can afford lawyers and Mom's medical supplies (the facility can obtain and bill him for). He won't let a divorce happen easily either.
If I can get conservatorship my moms financial funds would cover those expenses as well as other insurance she has. He has the private insurance that covers the home or inhome care (which I will never let her go back to live at the same house with him). He will not even pay for her to get her haircut (I know that is a luxury not a necessity - was just showing the pettiness of him) and will not give her money for field trips they do once in a while.
The MC facility has left her in urine and feces entire day, forgets to bring her meals, allows him to berate and talk to them and my mom like trash when I am not around, at one point I was walking in and he was eating her food and staff thought she ate it. It is alot and more to the back story as to his treatment of her. I just did not want to create a novel explaining. LOL And yes, my mom constantly asks me why I can not be her POA, why he treats her that way and she never would have thought, and she express how she feels to him as well.
If your post is 100% true of how your Stepfather treats your mother, why would you wish for her to go home? Or, do your mean that you want her in your home and you take on the role of caregiver? Your post leaves out vital details of what solution you are trying to attain. What is your main goal for your mother?
Good luck to you.
Any suggestions from the social worker or ombudsman? Oxygen should be covered by Medicare. ?
There are free legal services in every state; in yours, it's sc.freelegalanswers.org.
Best wishes to you all.
Please go into this with your eyes wide open and do not make an emotional decision.